Wednesday, July 23, 2008

This Week in University News! / Plus, Excerpts from the Boys' OTHER writing projects / And...The Fans Have Spoken!

The boys' alma mater was named by the Chronicles of Higher Education this week as one of the nation's "great colleges to work for." The boys totally agree.

Richard: "I've finally been promoted from a private, isolated office to a large classroom converted into cubicle-space, perfect for socializing. My cubicle is right next to the door, presumably because everyone is proud of my work and wants to "put me on display," so to speak."

Kip: "My department's faculty was always happy to call me in for one-on-one discussions, such as the time they explained to me that a "discussion leader" was not allowed to "teach" his students. It was a very helpful distinction, which I believe made me a better teacher. Well, I shouldn't say "teacher." A better "discussion leader." Hell, let's face it, a better man!"

A day after the list appeared, the University announced 15 million worth of budget cuts.

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Our readers often wonder what other projects the boys are working on when they are not writing for this blog. Today we present brief excerpts from the boys' other work, beginning with Kip's Education dissertation (the original copy is handwritten and features a large amount of glitter and several pop-up illustrations):

"In this study I posit that the increasing ignorance and virtual illiteracy of middle-school punks is a product not so much of our increasingly dumbed-down society of reality-television and text-messaging but moreso a severe lapse in classroom pedagogy that allows the students too much flexibility in what they read instead of focusing on a proven canon of white middle-class morality tales and a technique that successfully balances memorization and paddlings."

As announced in a recent post, Richard is trying to earn some quick cash by capitalizing on the success of the recent Twilight series of vampire novels by writing his own series about a high-school wolfman who simultaneously falls for a brainy Math-lete and a nubile cheerleader. So far he only has the opening sentence:

"As the full moon rose outside his bedroom window, Harry Lupus awoke with a very furry boner."

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Our intense recent poll taught us that our bitter and cynical readers absolutely do NOT want ordinary tales of the boys' falling in love (with women), but are very much interested in: (1) bawdy stories involving Romance, Arkansas; (2) pictures of Kip (some of them shirtless and/or flying kites); (3) more installments of the "Babes We'd Love to Bone" series (sorry, Reverend H.!). Future installments will strive to bring you what you want, dear readers!

5 comments:

where are you fuckers? said...

It's so quiet in here.

Dr. C said...

Sometimes I need a little quiet time to contemplate the wisdom of the Chronicles, and sometimes I'm busy and I get tired at night.
I know I'm tired when I get to the end of my day and I think about sitting down to write a short piece on beautiful breasts and I find I'd just rather go to bed.

but then you can dream of those breasts! said...

It all works out.

An Open list of demandments! said...

I would still like fully-composed chapter's of Kip's dissertation. (complete with crayola -- Kip doesn't understand the mechanisms of Pop-Up... that's witchery! ...he barely recognizes fruit roll-up as edible... and that's because he jams so many down his gullet while he's out on that lake... if there a period in here somewhere? Yes.)

Nay. Replete with crayola drawings of a cow fucking pig and how that is somehow ethical and Christian in Fort Scott. I'd also like to see more advanced diagrams of his mating rituals (how they found their way into his diss is beyond me... but I imagine that this is what he talks about in 'class' when the students are begging him to discuss Cicero) that he cobbled together on a Commodore 128 that he runs in Dad's barn with the back wheel of a still working Model T.

I would also like to see the special pictures of Shannon he inserted in between the leaves in an effort to get his committee to pass him!

it's in the works said...

But I'm currently out of glitter and scratch-and-sniff stickers!