Tuesday, July 22, 2008

This Week in Local News: Save the "T" ! / Plus, Is The Wedding of the Century...Cancelled?!

Supporters of Larryville's little-used, bankrupt public bus system met last night in an effort to "save the 'T'." How do the boys feel about Lawrence buses?

Richard: "I was recently hanging out at Solidarity Revolutionary Library and was informed that Larryville has an extensive system of underground tunnels which could easily be transformed into a much more efficient subway service. The only problem is that the tunnels are full of C.H.U.D's."

Kip: "I don't understand a single word of what Richard said, but here's my thought on Larryville buses: they are creepy. Usually there's just a couple of lonely old guys on there, sometimes in trenchcoats. One time one of them sidled up next to me, sat down, put his hand on my knee, and asked me if I liked gladiator movies.* I was so scared I got off at the next stop and had to walk home through East Lawrence. Oh, I was scared."

*yes, that line is stolen from the movie Airplane.


Local discussion boards are rife with rumors that White Owl's impending nuptials have been called off.

Richard: "Maybe he figured out that it's possible for him to bang young college women without marrying them. Hell, we've been doing it for years, Kip."

Kip: "What am I supposed to do with this prescription of Viagra I bought for him? Take it myself? Because I can assure you all that I have a perpetual boner without the usage of erection pills!"

Richard: "Oh, I figure that the mystic White Owl doesn't need it either. He probably practices tantric sex. That's what attracts these nubile coeds to old dudes."

Kip: "Disgusting! Fort Scott Sex Ed. taught us that it's best just to get in, get the job done, and get out. Like an army maneuver. And only after marriage."


Hater of mendacity said...

Kip is a flat out liar...everyone knows that the phrase "Fort Scott Sex Ed." is a contradiction in terms. The Ft. Scott Board of Education has repeatedly voted down sex education in their school district (along with foreign languages, after school activities, students with "un-American names," arithmetic, and "book lurnin'").

"book-lurnin" said...

Good stuff! (and bonus points for getting the word "mendacity," which I like, on the blog!).