Weekly Replay Roundup / Also: The Boys Discuss Art!

While it's well known that Richard spends a lot of time at the Replay, many are not quite sure what exactly he does down there. This new series offers a concise summary of the week's highlights for those who can't join him, refuse to join him, or aren't allowed to join him at his favorite watering hole:

This week: Richard arrives at the Replay to find his friend Beth encircled by a crowd of admiring former students, several of which Richard promises to dance with as soon as he's had seven or so drinks, but by the time he reaches that point Beth is gone and Richard can't find her students.

And the prior week: Richard arrives at the Replay to find Famous Ray, of Eudora, engrossed in a conversation with a friendly bearded gent wearing a pretty prom dress. Also, he later witnesses a woman who attempts to steal the tip jar, only to find herself manhandled back into the bar by several scrawny doormen.

In art-related news, tonight brings a new show to the Wonder Fair Art Gallery downtown: "For the gallery's second show, it has recruited 10 regional artists to create a wrestling character that will square off on screen-printed versus posters. On opening night, people will be able to cast their vote on the victor of each bout. The contender receiving the most votes will be crowned Grand Champion of the Universe and will be presented with the the title belt." (Lawrence.com).

Kip says: "See, this is the kind of thing that makes me think one should not do art. Wrestling itself is an art form. In Ft. Scott, we watch it on TV and we love it. Sometimes we wrestle each other in the backyard. But we don't draw pictures of it and bet on the pictures and call it art. No, sir, we do not."

Richard says: "I'm thinking about going to this."

Local News Update

Tonight is the midnight premiere of the Sex and the City film and of course the boys plan to be there, not necessarily to see the film but to socialize in the lobby, assuming that most of the women out at that hour will be lonely or horny or drunk or some combination of the three.

Elsewhere in Lawrence, the new Eastside grocery store known as the "Eastside People's Market" is preparing to open its doors. The place is collectively owned and, according to those owners, not interested in making a profit but simply determined to provide local residents with delicious vegetarian and vegan products and save them a long hike or bike ride to Ghetto Dylan's.

Kip says: "This is an affront to capitalism! And I certainly won't be shopping there... although I might hang out nearby and make fun of the hippies while eating a slab of beef."

Of late, Richard has taken to hanging out at Charlie's Eastside with a rotating group of farmers, theologians, and artists. "I want to understand their freewheeling ways," Richard explains, "and contrast it with my own experience in the rather constrictive world of academia, where people talk a good game about art but never, as Kip might say, actually DO art. I have a feeling there's much for me to learn."

So far he's learned that, on the East Side, people will let you use their internet connection if you provide them with fresh lettuce out of your communal garden.

The Boys Discuss Comedy!

The proposed spin-off series for former cast member Dr. X recently raised important questions about the very nature of comedy: what is funny? And what is not? The boys sat down recently in a town hall meeting to discuss these questions (and others) with their local viewers:

Kip: To me, funny is simple. Somebody getting kicked in the crotch is funny, across the board. I can’t imagine any time it isn’t funny…unless I’m the one getting kicked.”

Richard: It’s sort of like what George says on Seinfeld-- “I like stuff you don’t have to think about. Puke is a funny word.” But the Chronicles’ intent is to offer a mix of broad comedy and sophisticated satire.”

Female viewer: “But how is a long and vulgar and fictional review of Sex and the City ‘sophisticated satire’? Here is a movie that is important to women, that treats us seriously, that is truly a cultural event, and you insist on shitting on it!”

Kip: “Shit is a funny word, almost always.”

Richard: “Our intent is simply to explore various aspects of local and popular culture and possibly reveal some important and possibly universal truths along the way. Oh, and in the process to use some vulgar language on-line, because that makes us laugh.”

Kip: “Many of our readers feel that wit is nothing but an incisive observation, humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing. (The Simpsons, “Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield.”) We hope to show that it can also about me, flying kites with old men in parks.”

Richard: “Right. And we have some changes in store for the Chronicles. A little more emphasis on the surreal, the absurd. Maybe a little less focus on Kip. Kip’s antics are hugely popular, especially with the 50-70 year old demographic which thinks he’s a “nice boy, but misunderstood,” but we hope to show that there are other things going on in Larryville as well. For instance, sometimes I hit the town without Kip. What happens on those nights? No one knows for sure. But it may be worth pursuing.”

Dr C: “I enjoy puns. Also limericks. Do you think you could employ more of those?”

Richard: “We’ll do our best.”

Male viewer: “I wish there were more pictures of titties. Is there any way that might happen?”

Richard: “Sadly, that’s unlikely here. We don’t want people to think we’re perverts. But I understand it’s possible to see naked people in other places on the web.”

Kip: “It is? I suppose I should really look into this intra-web.”

Dr. C: “My blog, Stately Pleasure Domes, occasionally has titties on it. But only because it’s part of my job to examine them.”

Richard: “I like that picture of Anne Hathaway.”

Dr. C: “Thanks.”

Female viewer: “There seems to be a lot of emphasis on sex here but yet the boys don’t seem to get laid. Why is that?”

Richard: “Because you won’t sleep with us.”

Kip: “She’s probably a feminist. Next question please.”

Dr. C: “If they’d try harder, they could get more ‘love treasure.”

Richard: “That’s a reference to a previous post! We plan to use more “inside” humor as well, to reward long-term fans. It should truly be bitchcakes!”

Dr. X: “I enjoy humor that is not about me and never uses my name. Is that possible?”

Richard: “Yes.”

Female viewer: “Do you think the humor of the Larryville Chronicles will stand the test of time, or is just a passing fad?”

Richard: “I think it’s kind of like The Simpsons. Eventually it will stop being funny. But you’ll still watch it.”

Kip: “Another thing that’s always funny is a monkey. If people get bored, we’ll just add a chimp or two!”

The Boys Discover "Rock N Roll Dating!"

The new website www.rocknrolldating.com attempts to match people based first and foremost on their musical interests. Naturally, the boys are joining!

Richard says: "If a woman lists Dave Matthews as one of her favorites, you can bet she's never getting into MY pants! And I'll never even speak to anyone who doesn't have Wilco within their top ten."

Kip says: "I've attempted to construct a very well-rounded musical profile for myself. I've listed a few classical composers to show I'm a serious person (although the truth is that classical music makes me very nervous). And I've listed a few important current bands, like The Fray, to show that I'm on the cutting edge! I also listed a few bands that I enjoy making love to, such as Better Than Ezra. This shows my naughty side."

The boys encourage our many, many female readers to join the site and date them (but only if you like the right bands).

Here It Is! Kip Reads Penthouse Letters!

This week, Kip takes a break from his usual heavy reading to relax (which hand does he use for that?) and examine a different form of literature. Send the kids to bed and enjoy!

Kip says:

"Now being a literary man who prefers to curl up with a good book as opposed to a movie, I don’t watch a lot of porn. Unlike my Chronicling companions, I have never once been to the back room at Miracle Video and, while I understand there’s a fair amount of free porn to be found on the internet, it doesn’t do me any good, since I don’t know how to use the internet. But I’ll admit I’ve read a few Penthouse Letters in my time. People always claim that men need visual stimulation while women prefer stories, but personally I find that a well-written erotic tale can awaken Little Sm.lie almost as much as the sight of a Q’s waitress bending over to pick up my receipt when I “accidentally” drop it. And while I tend to prefer more high-minded erotica, such as Fanny Hill: Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, from time to time I find myself craving a more old-fashioned kind of fuck-story, and my intention here is to argue that Penthouse Letters are actually a much more complex form of literature than most (especially feminists) would care to admit. Allow me to explain.

There’s an art to a good Penthouse Letter, as well as a formula that just can’t miss. Just as fairy tales begin with a standard opening line (“Once upon a time”), the Letter tends to open with some variation of either “Dear Penthouse, I never thought this could happen to me” or “Dear Penthouse, I’m a freshman at a small university…” (but these of course are not fairy tales, but rather stories of real people getting it on…a lot of people believe they are simply made up, but I disagree...I choose to believe that there are in fact threesomes and blowjobs going on all around me and that if I just keep my eyes open long enough I might eventually experience such a thing myself).

Most people probably believe that the writing style of the Letters is fairly crude and simplistic, consisting mainly of four or five word sentences with at least two of the words being “cock” and “pussy,” but I believe a close examination of a passage will reveal something quite different. Take a look:

“I took her and carried her to the massive dining room table. There I laid her down on the highly polished surface. Her beautiful head lay to one side and her eyes were fixed on the sizable bulge in my jeans as again I spread her housecoat open. She knew she was going to get fucked, and I believe the thought of it was as delicious to her as it was to me…She lay on the table like a main course…My heart beat faster as I feasted my eyes on her love treasure” (and yes, dear readers, this is a real letter and not something Richard concocted for the blog!).

Of course I realize that a feminist reading of this passage is that the woman has been reduced quite literally to a “piece of meat” to be devoured by the man, but that’s simplistic. The very fact that the writer is consciously employing that idea makes it very interesting (plus, the woman is quite comfortable with the situation and indeed wants to get fucked, as the text makes quite clear). Notice too that the writer gives us a detailed description of the table, which has a “highly polished” surface. That’s called “setting the scene,” a technique which I personally believe is better suited to Harlequin romances, which are mostly for women who feel a need to know not only where the sex is taking place but also what the bed covers are like and what color the drapes are, details that I personally find as intrusive as I do irrelevant. This writer quickly moves on, however, to more important details, mercifully sparing us a description of his own “crank” and moving instead to the woman’s “love treasure,” at which point the writer loses sight of the food metaphors but nonetheless offers a powerful phrase.

I’ll end my analysis there, but you may suspect what comes next. Yes, that’s right: a feast is enjoyed. And by this I mean they have sex.

To conclude, I don’t mean to imply that Penthouse Letters are great literature (although they are certainly more entertaining and often better-written than most modern novels, I'm looking at you White Noise!). But if you occasionally get tired of beating off to the dirty parts of Shakespeare, one could do worse than peruse the Letters. One of these days I hope to publish one of my own, and let’s hope it involves a waitress from Q’s."

Local News Bulletin! / Also: The Chronicles Issues a Correction!

First the exciting news: the Richard-approved Replay Lounge is hosting an "Old Hollywood-style" prom/costume-party tonight!

Kip says: "See, this is weird. The people who go there are weird people and they do weird things. In Fort Scott, we go to Rusty's Bar and we do not have "proms" there. Proms are for kids and they should occur in high-school gymnasiums with constant adult supervision. In bars, all we want is to drink our Budweiser and talk about our tractors and it's all perfectly satisfactory to us."

Richard says: "This sounds awesome. I'm going as Cary Grant!"

Now, the bad news. First came the Crossing and this week brings another closure of a local legend: Papa Keno's (which according to the sign out front has been "seized," perhaps by corporate fuckheads who wish to deny us the sweet 'za cooked up by some of Larryville's dirtiest hippies).

Kip says: "I hate hippies but I love their pizza. Now I'm going to have to learn how to cook dinner. Either that or go to Rudy's."





Also, the blog would like to issue a correction regarding a previous post. Dr. S. will not be starring in Hillbilly Prof, but rather in a very high-minded new series called "What Would Fouceault Do?" which promises a mix of dry wit and obscure literary allusions. Look for it on your local PBS stations this fall. And good luck to Dr. S! (in any further mentions of him here he will be referred to as Dr. X--yes, always in bold letters!).

The Chronicles Announce a Fall Spin-Off Series! / Plus, This Week in Local News

Former cast member Dr. S. returns to the airwaves this fall in the starring role of a new sitcom (currently titled: Hillbilly Prof) in which he plays a sophisticated urban professor transplanted to the wilds of rural Arkansas. The show is said to be a classic culture-clash/fish-out-of-water tale that centers around his attempts to deal with common rural problems, such as what to do with a student who insists on bringing his goat to class. Expect a mix of witty verbal humor arising from Dr. S's misunderstandings of his students' thick southern drawls as well as a fair amount of slapstick comedy (Dr. S. attempts to field-dress a deer; Dr. S. visits the old swimming hole; etc). Cameos from Richard are likely during holiday episodes.

In Larryville this week, the city has announced yet another Outdoor Summer Noir Film Series for downtown.

Kip says: "Noirs are black and white mysteries that no one cares about. If you want the crowds to show up, give us real films, such as Maid in Manhattan. I'd enjoy seeing that under the stars while making out. With a girl."

Kip Reviews Summer Cinema: Sex and the City!

Kip says: "Movies in the summer are awful. This summer, for instance, brings us an old guy with a bullwhip and a young guy in a tight bat-suit. Sounds a little fruity, if you ask me. But at least one film this summer tickles my fancy and that's Sex and the City. Finally, we have a film for men! It's about four old women, cougars, one might call them, who live in New York and have sex with a lot of men. It provides a valuable service to men because it teaches us what women really want, which is primarily a lot of sex and nice shoes. And the problems they face are quite similar to my own, such as whether to order an Apple-tini or a Cosmopolitan. Feminists liked the show because it's about strong, single women, but they may not like the film, because all the women end up attached, whereas feminists like to believe that women should never get married. In fact, the film is mostly about a wedding, and as we know all great comedies must end with a wedding in which everything is resolved and the characters end up living happily ever after. In this sense, the film resembles the best of Shakespeare, except of course this is much better than Shakespeare with its witty and risque contemporary repartee about vibrators and orgasms, which I'm led to believe is the way that all women really talk when they go out for brunch. Does Carrie marry Mr. Big in the film? Yes, of course, she does. And if you're a woman you'll cry because you're very happy for her (unless you're a feminist who feels she's better off alone or a lesbian), and if you're a man you'll wish your own name was Mr. Big, or at least that your girlfriend would occasionally call you by that name. The women in the film still look pretty much the same as they did in the show. The boring one is still a lawyer and Samantha is still wildy horny (her character always scares me...I just don't think women are supposed to enjoy sex that much!). Carrie still has a horsey-face and Charlotte is still the hottest. But I'd bang them all. Thumbs up!"

New Episode Review: The Hawk! / Plus, This Weekend in Local News: Richard Graduates!

Ever a gentleman, Richard avoided the Hawk for most of his stint in Lawrence, mainly because he felt it was inappropriate to sleep with current students. But just before graduation, the time finally came. If the boys must Chronicle every bar in town, that meant the Hawk had to be Chronicled. Richard imagined various scenarios in store for him. He expected hordes of frat boys, trashed on Jaeger, bumping chests while loudly debating who was better: Dave Matthews or Jack Johnson? He imagined that he could not take a single step without running face-first into sweet, firm, young sorority bosoms (in fact, he hoped for this). But the truth was that the place was largely deserted at this hour save for copious security guards and a trio of blondes who wandered in searching for cell phones they had lost the night before ("They lose their phones in here and then they lose their panties in the alley," Kip said with a knowing wink, as if he had firsthand knowledge: doubtful). With the place nearly empty, the boys were able to take a tour of its legendary cavernous interior which features numerous rooms, each one devoted to various wonderful and increasingly depraved sexual activities. "This is the Boom-Boom Room," Kip said of one of them. "I don't know what happens here, but I'll bet it's pretty awesome." But there was nothing especially awesome underway at this moment, and Richard vowed to visit once more, at a time when he's so drunk he can just roam through the rooms of ladies groping whatever is handy.

Later in the weekend, Richard attended graduation ceremonies and played host to a party at the Replay (featuring a rare Replay appearance by Dr. S. and wife, who arrived in time for some "music" by Drakkar Sauna). The ultimate star of the evening was not Richard himself, however, but the Z-Man, who was so upset when a spokesman from Camel forbid him from taking pictures of the concert that he spent the rest of the evening fuming, vowing to write a "scathing editorial" in the Journal World and, at one point, removing a sign that said "No Photography" and taping it to his chest.

The Chronicles will be posting sporadically in the coming weeks, but please check in periodically for some of your favorite features, including the much-anticipated "Kip Reads Penthouse Letters," which is rumored to be so filthy it will get us permanently kicked off the interweb (Kip, at home in Ft. Scott, will not be reading at all for fear his parents may discover the website in their computer history: come on, Kip! surely Mr. and Mrs. Kip will love this fucking shit!).

The Boys Discuss Art at the Pig / Plus, This Week in Local News: Wilco!

The boys were unexpectedly joined by prodigal son Z-Man at the Pig on Tuesday. He was in rare form, regaling the boys with hilarious stories of past loves and engaging them in a discussion of art in which he and Richard passionately defended the contemporary and experimental whereas Kip, rooted in tradition, made such proclamations as "Music is not music unless it has lyrics" (at which point the great classical composers shook their heads from beyond the grave and said "All has been for naught."). Kip went on to make disparaging statements about Explosions in the Sky, a favorite band of Z-Man's, who then called Kip a "tone-deaf fucker". The boys enjoyed delicious beers served by a beautiful (and no doubt artsy) bartendress, while Z-Man declined the alcohol, preferring instead to "enjoy my bubblegum."

Then: Yesterday in Larryville appeared an event which Richard proclaimed "the most important day in Lawrence since Saturday June 18th, 2005" (when Wilco played at Wakarusa). Yes, it's true, America's greatest rock band played a show in downtown Lawrence last night! Richard and local tunesmith Matt Cl.thier (known in some circles as "the James Dean of the English Department") arrived early to catch the soundcheck then joined Kip for drinks at a local tavern, where Richard met with a group of blog-admirers and learned that at least one of them believed that Kip himself was the author of "Kip Reads the Classics." (Richard was so pleased! and he would like to thank Emily for giving him the idea of what will surely be the dirtiest blog post ever: Kip Reads Penthouse Letters!...stay tuned...that post is...cumming this summer!). Kip soon adjourned (scared of the inordinate amount of hippies, hipsters, and general freaks gathered for the festivities), and everyone else, including most of the English Department, gathered to watch the great prophet Jeff Tweedy at work (pictured below, followed by a picture of local freeloaders watching without paying from the parking garage: look close and you might see Kip!).





Coming later this summer: in August, Lawrence is slated to play host to a downtown Busker Festival, in which street performers from all over the country will descend on our fair city, eating fire, walking on stilts, and juggling. Kip is expected to hide under his bed for the entire weekend.

Tuesday Philosophy Night at the Pig is Slated to Return!

Long-time viewers may recall the boys' short-lived side project, in which they gathered once a week to debate serious matters of philosophy, politics, and culture (as opposed to what some critics have termed the "frivolous" concerns of the Chronicles). The project was quickly disbanded because, as Kip put it, "it's more fun to talk about titties," but it's being revived for the summer.

Most episodes are expected to revolve around a central issue, even while lending themselves to wide-ranging discussion. Tonight's question: "In the philosophical scheme of things, who is ultimately more important--Schopenhaur or Schlegel?" Expect a riveting night of discussion along these lines:

Kip: "Shlegel's influence is ever-present."

Richard: "Sure, but Schopenhaur's shit is the bitchcakes, yo!"

The Chronicles Present: Brushes With Greatness, Vol. I

Over the years, the boys and company have had numerous celebrity-related encounters, such as:

(1) In a Tulsa piano bar, Richard meets Jeanne Tripplehorn's father. You may know her from Big Love and Basic Instinct (she gets naked in that one). Her father is very nice and plays the piano.

(2) In the Yacht Club restroom, Kip joins Coach S.lf at the urinals to discuss graduate school and athletics. Kip himself doesn't really have to piss. He just feels it's a natural place for manly conversation (along with a quick glimpse at the Championship-winning wang).

3) In a nearly-deserted Granada after a show, Dr. Grab-ass (Shannon) meets rocker-on-the-rise Josh Ritter (picture below), who is currently gaining favorable comparisons in the press to Dylan and Springsteen. "Kiss me in a very literate and sensitive, singer-songwriter-like fashion," she requests of this tunesmith. By this point, Richard had left, and he did not get a chance to inquire why Ritter insists on covering a fairly obscure Modest Mouse tune.



The boys have always had high hopes of scoring big-time celebrity guest stars (such as Gary Coleman) on the Chronicles. Maybe one day this will happen.

Sunday Consumer Corner:

You may remember Sex Panther cologne from the very fine film, Anchorman. It's now slated to become a real product. Now you too can smell like Kip and Richard! Order some on-line.

Today in Local News!

Everyone knows the boys' love beer, but they also love...butterflies, and they look forward each year to the Monarch Open House:

"Live exotic and local insects, a honeybee observation hive and 4,000 continuously blooming butterfly and hummingbird plants await visitors to Saturday's Monarch Watch Open House on KU's West Campus. Also learn more about threats to the monarch migration."

Kip says: "Butterflies are pretty."

Richard says: "Before there was Art, there was Nature. Let's groove on it."

Coming Soon: Theme Nights! / Also: Stop Day Eve Review

How will the Chronicles remain fresh once they've visited every bar in town? Well, by using the tried and true method of gimmickry, of course! This summer, look for the boys to focus evenings around certain themes, such as:

Animal Bars: (Pig, Bull, Dirty Bird)
Lounge Night: (Shenago, Jet Lag, Replay!)...also, Tavern Night!
Dance Party, USA: (Liquid, Abe and Jake's, Neon 80's Party)

Viewers tuning in to the traditional Stop Day Eve episode last night were likely disapointed by the lack of activity. When Richard rolled back into town near midnight, he found Kip already passed out in the ditch near All-Stars. We hope to get a report on Kip's evening in the near future, as many questions remain unanswered, such as: Where was Kip's pants?

Stop Day Eve!

Traditionally it's a favorite holiday of the boys, but Richard has chosen to spend most of this Stop Day evening enjoying some sophisticated musical theatre (about witches). He vows to return to Larryville in plenty of time to "hit the town and bang a sorostitute."

Left to his own devices, will Kip end up in a private room at Abe and Jake's? Five bucks says he goes to Quinton's instead.

Kip's Urban Dictionary defines "sorostitute" as follows: "A sorority girl who has sex for Jaeger shots."

Kip and the Classics: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Kip says: I thought this was a children's book, but apparently it's considered important on other levels too. Twain begins with a note that says we should not look for a moral in the book, which is a nice touch: it allows us to just sit back and relax and not think too much, which is how reading used to be, before the academics got hold of it and turned it into a chore and decided that everything was symbolic of penises. It's the story of a young boy who goes on a rafting adventure with a man named Jim, a slave. They call him "N-word Jim," which makes the book controversial and keeps many schools from teaching it these days. There's a movement in society today to get rid of the word altogether but that movement hasn't reached Fort Scott yet. We still teach the book down there and you may occasionally even hear the word on the street corners. Huck and Jim get into all kinds of scrapes and Huck comes to love Jim along the way--and not in any kind of homo-erotic way as some critics like to interpret simply because Huck and Jim are half-naked all the time. Huck begins to realize that slavery is wrong and sets out to free him and at the end there's some sort of revelation that Jim was free all along. It almost seems like there IS a moral to the book, but I prefer to just see it as a bunch of hilarious situations and mistaken identities. At the end Huck "lights out for the territory" because he doesn't want to "sivilized." I can relate, as I too am an untameable country boy who may one day break the chains of academia and buy a horse.

Cinco de Mayo Review / Local and National News Stories of the Week

Everybody knows that the boys are usually out Chronicling on Thursdays, but it's not as well known that they make other appearances as well, such as last night at the Sandbar for an evening of Cinco de Mayo-related fun. On this night, the boys met an interesting drunk man in the "promotions business" who was desperately searching for a local bar which he believed was called "The Tortoise" and that he thought was located at 6th and Kentucky. If such a place exists, it's unknown to the boys. Also spotted on this night: one of the most beautiful women yet seen in local bars, wearing a short, tight, black cocktail dress. When I see such a dress, Richard said (in his mind), the first thing I think about is removing it. At the bar, Hoss had a brainstorm, stating that the boys should come up with some "theme nights" for later Chronicles, such as visiting bars named for animals (The Pig, The Bull, The Dirty Bird). The boys stayed later than usual, hoping that a certain woman in the crowd might perform the nightly Hurricane bar dance. That didn't happen, but a dance WAS danced, and the boys lamented that the obligatory mermaid costume actually obscured what otherwise might have been an interesting upskirt view. Meanwhile, Richard drank the new Jimmy Buffet-brand beer known as "Land Shark," which he proclaimed "a low-rent Corona for dumb Parrotheads."

In local news, a petition is in the works to name a portion of 19th Street after coach Bill S.lf. Kip says: "It's a great idea. I've seen the guy's wang. I'd proudly strut down that Boulevard every single day, unless of course the man loses an important game in the future, in which case I'd set fire to that fucking street."

In national entertainment news, Scarlett Jo got engaged to actor Ryan Reynolds. Richard says: "It's just not fair. But at the same time, I don't think I could marry a girl who's attempting a whole record of Tom Waits cover songs. That's just silly."

The Boys Wish You a Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Kip says: "Tacos are delicious! What's this holiday about, anyway?

Richard says: "This is one of the great holidays. Like New Year's Eve and St. Patty's, it's centered primarily around booze. I enjoy Coronas."

Kip Reads More Classics: Death of a Salesman

Kip says: "The worst thing about Death of a Salesman is that the title gives too much away. If you're wondering if the salesman lives or dies, don't bother. He dies. Other than that, it's pretty good. Willy Loman is a salesman and once he had big dreams but now he's old and nobody cares anymore. He's got two sons, Happy and Biff. I first learned about Biff Loman from jokes on Seinfeld, which I assume is the case for many of us. Willy wants the sons to follow in his father's footsteps, but they don't respect him anymore and feel they might be better off working outdoors on a ranch somewhere, which is something I often feel myself when the pressures of academia weigh me down. It's a powerful story about the American Dream and I recommend it so long as you don't mind knowing the ending in advance. Oh, yeah, and it's a play. Acting is a silly profession, with all that pretending, but at the same time it's nice to have somebody doing the reading for you and acting out what you see in your head. Except sometimes it's a lot different. Dustin Hoffman is often associated with the role of Willy, but that's not how I think of Willy at all. I see him as bigger, more imposing, and I'd like to see someone like maybe...Dog the Bounty Hunter tackle that role."

New Episode Review: Charlie's Eastside! / Also: The Boys Discuss Art!

As funnel clouds circled ominously about them, the boys discovered an oasis of calm on the back porch at Charlie's Eastside. A hungry Kip arrived hoping for some of Charlie's famous tacos but was disappointed when all Charlie had to offer was "a few burritos in the freezer." Kip declined, making a fine dinner out of a pitcher of 3.2beer. Charlie's shattered most of Kip's misconceptions about the Eastside. Richard explained: "See, this is a gentle country of bohemians and communal gardens, a place where horse-drawn carriages pass along the cobblestone streets." Kip was forced to admit the place had a certain charm but remained skeptical of the communal garden: "In Fort Scott, if I grow some tomaters, they're MY fucking tomaters," he said.

In art-related news, a new exhibit called The Commons opened this week in Spooner Hall. According to the Daily Kansan, "One of the exhibit’s pieces depicts a water buffalo struggling to survive in a sea of blue and white plastic water bottles."

Kip says: "Now this is a powerful piece, which I believe represents technology's increasing encroachment on the natural world. Notice the sadness of the buffalo. It's like he's crying, and I can hear his tears right through the painting!"

Richard says: "Wow. Really, Kip?"

Kip says: "No. I'm kidding. I think it's very dumb."

Art: Live on Campus! / Plus, New Episode Tonight!

This Saturday brings us the Spencer Museum Art Fair, which promises we can "Explore innovative painting methods--paint with your feet, throw paint-filled balloons, or contribute to a painting installation—as part of activities designed to re-enact some of the avant-garde artistic practices developed by Japanese artists in the
1960's."

Kip says: "Avante-garde is French and it translates as "making shit up as you go and pretending it's art." Art is only art if it's carefully and painstakingly constructed. Feet art is not real art. And performance art is the worst art of all. Basically it means doing things on stage that would get you arrested in real life, like exposing yourself."

In other news, join the boys tonight as they begin the last leg of their journey, which will finally take them to the most notorious student bars (as soon as the semester ends) and perhaps even the strip clubs (where Kip enjoys engaging the strippers in discussions of Catholicism during lapdances: perverse!).