Thursday, July 24, 2008

Larryville vs. Ft. Scott vs. Romance (a new series!) / Plus, The Boys' Local Band of the Week!

In this new series the boys attempt to better understand Larryville through the respective lens' of their small-town pasts.

Richard: “Kip, for all your talk about loving the ‘sweet young ass’ of Larryville, you spend an awful lot of time in Ft. Scott at your parents’ house. Many readers wonder: what do you DO down there? What’s the appeal?”

Kip: “It’s mainly because everything is simpler down there, less ambiguous. It’s either ‘Ford or Chevy’ or “Foxworthy or Cable Guy” or ‘Miller or Budweiser’. And even that last one has now been solved, after Budweiser got sold to those prissy little Belgians. Larryville confuses me with its ‘diversity’ and ‘tolerance.’”

Richard: “Moving to Larryville for me was like discovering civilization after being lost in the desert for 26 years. In Romance, a man has to drive a half hour to purchase alcohol. Imagine that, Kip! Imagine that! Luckily, we did have a local ‘bootlegger’ by the name of Pig Free who stocked up on Natty Lite which he sold to those who didn’t want to make the drive, or whose trucks were broken-down. And sometimes he sold to children as well. Children need beer too.”

Kip: “Ft. Scott has a very fine bar called Rusty’s and let me tell you it’s preferable to the Replay any day. Once I saw a dogfight at the Replay. That’s crazy! In Ft. Scott, dogfights only occur in designated places and it costs five bucks to see them.”

Richard: “In Romance we had to drink our beer in the town square and we often received a ‘stern warning’ from the local constable. So how is Larryville perceived by Ft. Scotians?”

Kip: “You’ve heard the phrase “Gay-U,” I imagine? Well, I think it was coined by my friend Mike.”

Richard: “Romance knows nothing of Larryville, but its denizens look skeptically at the Midwest in general. We perceive it as a strangely flat territory where the people have no discernible accents and can’t cook catfish. However, I’ve grown to appreciate the cornfed farmgirls of Kansas, I have to say.”

Kip: “But the problem with Larryville women is that most of them are actually from Johnson County and have been taught that they deserve something better than a farmboy like myself. They think ‘barefoot and pregnant’ is something to be avoided.”

Richard: “In Romance people tend to get married and live in a trailer beside their parents’ house.”

Kip: “Right. It’s how life should be and once was, back before people got confused by the liberalism that breeds in college towns. Now don’t get me completely wrong here. There are things to be said for the liberated women of Larryville, mainly that they’re willing to have casual sex with me, but at the same time it’s a treat to withdraw back to Ft. Scott on weekends and watch the sun set on a simpler world where we’re skeptical of foreigners and take our honeymoons in Branson, Missouri.”


The boys' local band of the week is: Ad Astra Per Aspera.

Kip: "The name is Latin and I'm sure they think it's clever. It means 'to the stars through difficulties.' The band members look like art majors."

Richard: "They are playing an all-covers set at the Replay on Sunday night. Should be cool."

Kip: "I'll be at a church-casserole-dinner on Sunday night."

Cl.thier: "Hey, don't forget that I'm also playing a mostly all-covers set this weekend."

Kip: "Is your show really an all-ABBA night, or is that just some stupid shit Richard put on the blog?"

Cl.thier: "Do you WANT it to be an all-ABBA night, Kip."

Kip: "Maybe."


Mindi said...

An all-ABBA night. I wish I had spent the $666 dollars to get there!

I miss your stories Richard. No one here would know of a local bootlegger, let alone one named Pig Free. *Sigh* the memories.

If your whole blog focused on what "other" white people (i.e. white people from Romance and Ft. Scott, not white people from San Francisco and Brooklyn) liked, that may get you a book deal.

Hmm...are there anything but white people in Ft. Scott and Romance?

Anonymous said...

An all-ABBA night, much like the film Muriel's Wedding and that "thing" out in theatres now, Mamma Mia, is in fact the work of Satan.

Dr. C said...

A blog like this has a very diverse audience, as your reader poll showed, but I, like Mindi, am a big fan of the Romance stories.

Of course, babes are nice, too.

Not to mention the line about waking up with a very furry boner, which alone should be able to get you a contract for the series.

Mindi said...

I don't think Babes do it for me in the same way they do it for you Dr. C. Of course, that was some pig in the movie Babe.

Then again, your audience wants to see more shirtless pictures of Kip flying kites, so they really are an unpredictable group.

Anonymous said...

We'll see how my readers deal with major changes here, since Kip (suddenly paranoid) has now requested that his name be changed to "Chip" (actually, I suppose the change is not really that great!).

Anonymous said...


The internet gestapo has come for young Chipton!

--Boogie Boogie!

PS... Incidentally, suddenly paranoid? the guy has had his name plastered over these interwebs for... what? three years now? He's the veritable Perez Hilton of Ft. Scott! He might as well embrace his celebrity at this point (not to mention the fact the Biography of Chip is just not going to sell anywhere near as well as with the K!)

Anonymous said...

I have delivered upon Kip a celebrity status that ranges far and wide (from Topeka to Ft. Scott to East Lawrence to Arkie-saw to Denver to Davis, CA!), and now he wants to refuse it!