Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Chronicles' Awards Ceremony, Part One!

As the boys' journey enters the home stretch, they want to salute some of the bars they have visited along the way by issuing these awards! Thanks for the memories, bars! (except for the ones we'd rather forget).

Chattiest bartenders: The New Shenago (we learned more bar-related history on this night than any other...who would have ever thought the owner of Louise's is really a cold-blooded murderer!).

The bar which taught Kip the valuable lesson that L-Ville is really not as "lily-white" as he always imagined: Crosstown Tavern.

The bar where the boys were almost mauled by cougars and made to drink tomato-flavored beers: Jet Lag Lounge.

Sexiest waitresses: Q's (Kip is wrong about a lot of things...but he's onto something here... let's admit it).

Most disgusting nachos (but best place for a potential look at Bill S.lf's schlong): Yacht Club

Best chicken fried steak: Slow Ride Roadhouse (also the most pristine bathrooms!).

Best all-around bar: Replay Lounge (Esquire magazine concurs).

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Boys Consider Campus News, Vol. II: Sexy Week

From today's UDK:

"Students colored pictures of vaginas and penises on Wescoe Beach Monday to kick off Delta Force's Sexy Week. The pictures were ment to educate students about their own bodies. "Sexy is ourselves," ___ ___, Topeka sophomore said. "It is important to know what we look like all over."

Kip says: "Sexy Week is fun. I enjoy being outdoors and painting pictures of pussies."

Richard says: "Every week is Sexy Week on the Chronicles. Once, Dr. C. made a model of a G-Spot with Corona bottles."

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Boys Plan to Celebrate May Day at Charlie's Eastside! /Plus, Kip Considers Campus News

The boys are slated to visit one of Lawrence's least-known bars this week: Charlie's Eastside, a place Kip believes is simply an urban legend. Richard, however, claims to have been there twice, including a recent evening spent on the porch with a group of local actors and theologians and during which a horse-drawn carriage inexplicably passed by. Who knows what the boys will encounter on May Day in the eastside? Locals dancing naked around a May Pole, perhaps? Will Kip learn to love the eastside and plant some "tomaters" in the community garden? Tune in to see.

In other news, KU recently opened a shiny new Multicultural Center next to the Union. Kip says: "Now don't get me wrong: I love diversity. I have a huge thing for Asian women. And once I made out with an Indian chick right at the bar at Quinton's. But I find it disturbing that KU can find the time for this new center while the much-needed stadium complex of the Orange Bowl champions remains half-finished."

Saturday, April 26, 2008

This Week in Local News / Kip Reads the Classics, Vol.V: The Sun Also Rises

This week saw the return of Matt Cl.thier, as he joined the boys on one of their off-nights to discuss literary pursuits at Quinton's. While most people believe that Cl.thier lives the wild, debauchery-fueled life of a rock star, it was (somewhat disappointingly) revealed that he prefers quiet nights at home in which he writes his dissertation proposal and watches old Patrick Dempsey films (Can't Buy Me Love being a particular favorite).

This week marked the emergence of two new doctors, both of them former guest stars on the Chronicles: Kristin the "Dragon-Slayer" and Lisa "Kingpin" Hoot! Congratulations to them!

KU's debate team joined the basketball squad in national championship honors. Kip says: "If they're not shooting a ball through a hoop or passing a ball down a field, I really couldn't give a fuck. I hardly think that the girls will show the titties in the streets because someone won a debate about global warming."

The Sun Also Rises:

Kip says: "Hemingway is a writer I admire. He was a real man's man, like myself, always hunting and fishing and going to bullfights. In Fort Scott it's not bullfighting but bullriding, at the rodeo, but it's a similar thing, except we don't kill the bulls and people only rarely get killed by the bulls. The Sun Also Rises is a famous Modernist text, which I believe means that nothing much happens in it. It's after World War I and Jakes Barnes can't get it up and he travels around Europe talking to Lady Brett and drinking a lot. A former professor once told me that it's all about the "sterility of the modern world." That's symbolic, I think. I find it it to be a dull book, but yet it's similar to my own life with the drinking and the not sleeping with the girls, except of course I can get it up at a moment's notice, as soon as I walk into Quinton's it's like: BOING! Hello, ladies! Anyway, at the end of the book there's a line where Lady Brett says something about how she and Jake could have been happy together and he says, "Isn't it pretty to think so." It's very modern to be cynical, like the hipsters at the Replay, but the book would be better if they got married and suddenly he was able to get a boner again."

Friday, April 25, 2008

Sweet: It's Meat-Flavored Beer!

According to PitchWeekly, a series of new barbecue-flavored beers have arrived! (details below). Kip says: "I've spent many a night dreaming of a beer that tastes like a chicken-fried steak. This gives me hope that those dreams might someday be made real!"

Leave it to Missouri mega-brewery Anheuser-Busch to make a barbecue brew that's the Kansas City Masterpiece of BBQ-flavored beers. This one poured almost as clear as a Bud Light, with the pink tint of a white zin. And it had only a bit more flavor, with a slight aftertaste of very burned burnt ends. Imagine throwing table scraps in a pint and guzzling it down. We needed a moist towelette after this one.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Farmer Wants a Wife!

So how in the hell are the boys NOT a part of the CW's new reality show?:

"Farmer Wants a Wife" is a comedic reality series that brings city women to one charming, hard-working farmer who is happy with his life except for one thing -- he's lacking romance and wondering if he might find happiness and excitement with a woman from the city. Will love bloom when country boy meets city girl? This farmer is about to find out.

Essentially the boys are playing their own version of this each Thursday night. Tune in tonight as Richard attempts to show a confused, sophisticated lady at the Eldridge how "a mule eats corn!"

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Viewers Are Speaking! / The Boys Consider Works of Art, Vol. II

So far Granada's Pride Night is emerging as a winner in the viewer's poll (although some suspect Kip is casting all those votes himself!). If the voting continues as expected, Kip will soon be attempting to unseat Beth as Pride Night Princess!

As the boys enter the home stretch of the Chronicles, expect to see them out and about on different nights, due to the fact that many of the remaining bars (Abe and Jake's, Coyote's, etc) only thrive at late hours and on weekends.

This week's art topic is Van Gogh's Starry Night.

Kip says: "Van Gogh cut off his ear. Art makes you crazy. Thumbs down."

Richard says: "It's really just a tree, and a town, and the moon and stars, isn't it? I like my art to have pictures of women in it. Thumbs down."

Z-Man says: "Once I ate a wild forest mushroom and saw a vision that was quite similar to this. Thumbs up."

Monday, April 21, 2008

Kip Reads the Classics, Vol. IV: The Scarlet Letter

"There's a lot of 'thee's' and 'thou's' in it, so it sounds a lot like the Bible, but it's not as good as the Bible, which is the only book most people in Fort Scott ever read, besides Field and Stream. Anyway, we read Scarlet Letter in high-school and it's about Hester Prynne, who commits adultery and is forced to wear a scarlet letter "A" on her chest to shame her, because this is Puritan times. I can relate. When this kind of thing happens in Fort Scott, we don't make women wear an "A" of course, since we're not barbarians, but we talk shit about them at Wal-Mart until they usually leave town and move to Joplin, which is full of whores and whoremongers. It turns out that Hester's lover is the town minister. Shocking, right? And her old husband, long thought dead, returns too. And there's a daughter. And a scarlet "A" ends up appearing in the sky. That's probably symbolic. I can't really remember much else. This was high-school. We watched the movie too, which stars Ashton Kutcher's old hot wife."

Sunday, April 20, 2008

This Week in Local News!

In this occasional feature (intended mostly to keep Dr. C. informed about life in L-Town!) we examine pertinent happenings about town.

Top events this week:

1) The Crossing was destroyed to make way for a new luxury high-rise hotel. While Richard spent only one night drinking there during his long stint in Lawrence, he somehow already misses the place: "I just liked knowing it was there if I needed it."

2) Saturday's Earth Day celebrations brought hordes of hippies (and even a few hipsters) to South Park on a warm spring afternoon, among them Richard and even local troubador Matt Cl.thier. Noticeably absent was Kip, who spent the afternoon driving around town in his SUV, throwing plastic bottles and old computers out the window. "I'm not green at all," he said. "And I'm loving it!"

3) After an absence of many months, Dr. S. was spotted in local swanky hangout The Star Bar on Friday, drinking frozen drinks with parasols in them. "Professors don't hang in dive bars," he said. "Professors hang in star bars."

Friday, April 18, 2008

New Episode Review: Crosstown Tavern and Granada Jazz Night!

On a rainy evening, the boys finally ventured to Haskell Square, which is Richard's pick for best local strip mall. One could easily spend a full day out there: biscuits and gravy at Kelly's Diner to start off the day; a morning perusing the porn at Miracle Video; lunch at Midwest Catfish House; an afternoon perusing the porn at Miracle Video and checking out the new hippie EastSide art gallery; an evening drinking at the Crosstown Tavern; and then maybe renting some porn to take home. At any rate, the boys visit to the Crosstown was uneventful, despite recent LJ-World reports of gun battles at the bar. The locals were all peacefully celebrating someone's birthday with some loud soul music, and Kip found himself thinking: "I never recognized just how white I am until tonight. Lordy, I'm a white man through and through."

Later in the evening the boys found themselves at what was probably the inaugural evening of the Granada's new Thursday Jazz Night. The crowds have yet to discover this delightful evening in the Lounge, but Richard predicted it will soon be a hotspot for local hipsters who enjoy Miller Lite draws for one buck. The jazz duo announced that they'd be "playing the standards" for us this evening, and Kip was briefly excited, assuming they meant Better Than Ezra and STP. He was soon quite disappointed to find they were referring to Nat King Cole and Duke Ellington, and he left in a huff saying: "No one knows good music these days!"

Thursday, April 17, 2008

New Episode Tonight! / Kip and the Classics, Vol.III: The Catcher in the Rye

The boys keep promising to visit the Crosstown Tavern. Will it be tonight? Or will they wait another week or so for the bloodstains to dry from the most recent "incidents" there? At any rate, they plan to be on the town tonight. And you're invited.

In the meantime, consider this:

Kip on The Catcher in the Rye:

This is a dangerous book. It played a role in the shootings of both Reagan and John Lennon. Scary, huh? I didn't know that literature could be so powerful. I think it's the line about: "This is a people-shooting hat. I shoot people in this hat." Some people are nuts and go around shooting people because of books, while the rest of us just enjoy the pretty words in our heads. Anyway, the book is also important, especially to young boys. It's about Holden Caulfield and how he hates "phonies." As a young man from Ft. Scott, I can totally relate. After spending time on the farm with genuine country people who always say what they mean (usually involving cows or the weather), I come to Lawrence and things feel phony,with rich kids posing as hippies and discussing "philosophy" and "art." But I connect on other levels too. Holden "makes out" with a lot of girls in the book, as I do too in real life, once at the bar in Quinton's. And he has a tendency to romanticize and fall in love with all of them. There's not much plot in the book, which annoys me a little. The best books have plots and resolutions in which a marriage occurs or the killer is revealed. Holden just kind of wanders around New York and then goes home to see his sister Phoebe. Once he sees a "fuck you" written on the wall and wishes he could erase every one in the world, I guess because society has gotten so vulgar, which I also believe and is quite apparent if you look around at all the video games and internets we love so well. I recommend this book to anyone except potential murderers.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Boys Review Art!

Sometimes the boys put down their books and discuss other forms of "art." It all stems from Kip's provocative question of many years back: "SHOULD one do art?" A satisfactory answer has not yet been reached, but perhaps this series will help us to decide.
We start with something called the Mona Lisa:
Richard says: "Is she smiling or isn't she? I can't quite tell. I do not like my art to be ambiguous. Thumbs down."
Kip says: "She turns me on a little but yet I don't find her especially attractive. Gentlemen prefer blondes. The picture disturbs me, and I don't like art that disturbs me. Art should be uplifting. Thumbs down."
Z-Man says: "This is a masterpiece, you silly bitches. The only thing that comes close to it is Jenna's ass at Q's, and you can't hang an ass on a wall. At least not very easily. Thumbs up."

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Kip Comments on the Classics, Vol. II: The Great Gatsby

Gatsby is a book I've always connected with. Jay Gatsby has a lot of money and he yearns for Daisy Buchanan. I also yearn. Often. Usually for sorority girls. I think we all do. Yearn, that is. Not necessarily all of us for sorority girls. But see, it's universal, which I believe is necessary to make a classic. There are a lot of beautiful people in this book and once I compared them to Clothier and his entourage and he took offense and stayed mad at me for eight weeks and didn't invite me to his shows anymore. There's a green light in this book and I believe it's a symbol. Money is also green. And at the end of the book "the green breast of the New World" is also mentioned. But at this point it's hard to think about symbolism because when I see a "breast," even if it's simply a word on the page, I begin to think about "breasts," not necessarily green ones. It's a very sexy book and I recommend it to everyone.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Is the new film Cougar Club based on the boys' exploits?

It sure sounds like it! At any rate, the boys will soon be seeing this film! Here's the synopsis:

"Get ready for the wild and outrageous unrated comedy Cougar Club. Two young guys turn their passion for older women into a business where horny guys can pair up with the older, sometimes WAY OLDER, women of their dreams."

Sunday, April 13, 2008

New Episode Review: Dempsey's Pub!

Located in the former home of The Bar (before that the Mad Hatter and before that Rick's Place), Dempsey's Pub is a new Irish-themed bar with a shelf life of probably about as long as those former businesses. At shortly after 8:00, Kip and Richard were the first customers. Richard related his adventures that afternoon listening to Tom Brokaw at the Dole Institute. He invited Mr. Brokaw to be a guest on the Chronicles and debate Kip over what is truly the "greatest generation" (Kip claims it's Fort Scott's class of '96), but Brokaw had other obligations. The music at Dempsey's was loud and fast Irish punk, a perfect soundtrack for an old-fashioned Irish brawl or the mosh-pit at a Riverdance concert, but the three new customers who entered were peaceable sorts who joined Kip and Richard at the bar and engaged Richard in a discussion of various bourbons (Richard, a beer man, was out of his element). Later in the evening, the boys stopped at the Eldridge for a nightcap and found the formerly premiere Thursday night hotspot to be dead in the water. Lawrence nightlife is fickle. The scene has shifted. But where have all the "beautiful people," the trendsetters, gone? Hopefully to the Replay.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Now This is the Kind of Field Trip the Boys Could Enjoy:

Field trip brings class to Nevada brothel

Amouri was one of a dozen Randolph College students who toured the Chicken Ranch, a legal bordello in the desert 60 miles outside Las Vegas. Thursday's class trip, which included seminars from the working girls, capped a course on American consumption and ''the ideas that consume us.''

Richard says: "Shit. My field trips were always to the zoo."

Thursday, April 10, 2008

New Feature! Kip Comments on Classic Literature, Vol. I

In this fast-paced world, who has time to read everything that one should read? In this new series, Kip provides concise summary and analysis of the world's best works of literature in a way that will spare you the trouble of reading them or, if you've already read them, make you rethink these old works in new ways. Enjoy.


Kip says: "Yeah, it's a war novel. But it's funny. But war isn't funny, is it? I don't think so. So I'm confused right off the bat. Is it okay to laugh, or am I being insensitive, like that time I said women basketball players were like horses on rollerskates? I think I 'm supposed to laugh at this novel, but in a serious way. Laugh while I learn, I guess. Generally I don't like to learn while I'm laughing. Example: Jackass 2. Good film, poor educational value. But I suppose classics are supposed to teach me something. That's whey they're called art. The book is about Yossarian. Weird name. There are a lot of characters in it. Too many. You don't necessarily have to learn all their names, though. One character is called "Nately's whore." This is offensive to women, I think. You can skip that part if you're a feminist. The book is long, awfully long. Basically, Yossarian can't leave the war because there's a catch. Right: Catch-22. So eventually he deserts. I think this is a book for liberals. Hippies loved it, back in the day. Maybe they still do, when they're not out protesting."

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

This Week: Crosstown Tavern!

Kip: Wasn't there a shooting out there over the weekend?

Richard: Well, yes, but I don't think anyone died. And apparently it had to do with some longstanding feud between regulars. It seems unlikely we'll get shot on our first visit. I'd say there's about a 30% chance at most of a shooting or knifing incident.

Kip: You're probably right. Do they serve a good cheeseburger?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The Chronicles Present: Sights, Sounds, and Smells of the Championship!

A short list of our favorite moments:

--silly naked hippie getting smashed by beer cups after N.C. game

--White Owl walking the streets before N.C. game

--pre-championship beer and meditation hour at the Replay (Kip puts his head on the bar and announces: "We're doomed.")

--a guy with a sign saying "Slay the Memphis Vampires!" (?), being followed by a man with a video camera

--Kip giving up and going home early then being forced to run downtown for the final moments (the first time he did any serious running since the '88 victory)

--guy on the Replay roof with crowd below chanting, "Jump!"

--girl projectile vomiting, chugging a beer, puking again, then jumping and cheering

--giant paper-mache Jayhawk-man

--Masami enters the fray to "get a better view" and is swept away like a small raft on an angry sea (let's hope he's okay!)

Monday, April 7, 2008

From the Ashes of the Old Chronicles Rises...Something Quite Similar!

With the old blog on the verge of being shut down (possibly due to its provocative nature or possibly due to technological snafus that were caused by Kip), let us turn our attention to this new land, a blank slate full of promise, uncontrolled by the mysterious "Big-Brother"-like presence of Dr. S.

Here you will find all your old favorites (continuing coverage of Kip and Richard's attempt to visit every bar in Lawrence; occasional pictures of sexy women we'd like to bone; coverage of important local events such as funny shit that happens at the Replay Lounge), as well as entertaining new features, such as "Kip Discusses Literature" and "Is This Art, or Not?".

We hope you enjoy your visits here.