The Chronicles Takes a Short Break!

While Richard is traveling in Romance (will he find love on that abandoned combine?) and Chip is tending the family goat farm in Ft. Scott, the Chronicles is taking the week off. For those of you who rely on us for your entertainment fix, let us recommend a few other options during the break:

1) Watch "Shark Week" on Discovery Channel

2) Get in line for the August 1 release of the new Twilight vampire novel (there's a wedding in store!).

3) Go see Mamma Mia again! (Chip says: "It's ABBA-rific!").

4) Read Dr. C's blog (link in the left column), which contains more and better pictures than this one, many of them involving breasts!

5) Discuss what is art, and what is not.

The Boys Discuss Video Games!

In the past, the boys have turned their laser-sharp cultural observations on everything from country music to art to movies, but video games have thus far flown under their radar. That changed this week with the announcement of new games based on the films Pretty in Pink, Clueless, and Mean Girls.

Richard: "First off, this is great news! Why should blockbuster action and sci-fi flicks be the only ones to become video games? I, for one, would welcome, oh let's say, a There Will Be Blood video game, where I could become Daniel Plainview and run around establishing oil wells and drinking everyone's milkshakes. Or maybe a My Dinner With Andre game?* But would I be Wally Shawn or Andre Gregory? Damn, that would be a tough choice! The three new titles announced this week seem obviously marketed toward women, but I can only assume a lot of male geeks will gladly purchase the Pretty in Pink just so Duckie can finally get the girl!"

Chip: "Video games started strong, with Pong, but they've gone downhill since, in my opinion. All these ultra-realistic sports games are for fat men who live in their parents' basements and can't play real sports. And the so-called 'first-person shooters' simply train young boys how to shoot their teachers. I'm scared every fucking day I teach! Now I'll admit, some of those high-tech Atari games were pretty cool. Pac-Man, for instance, although I always preferred Ms. Pac-Man, to be perfectly honest. I was worried at first what that said about my sexuality, but I soon realized it was fine, that I was in fact VERY attracted to Ms. Pac-Man, with that big sweet mouth of hers."

Richard: "Personally, I never moved past Super-Nintendo, but I can see the fascination with today's games, especially with these multi-player fantasy worlds and stuff like the Sims, which, if I understand it correctly, allows people to create a virtual world which most people choose to make exactly like their own boring lives. I assume most people just join because they're curious about the sex aspects of it."

Chip: "Oh, I tried the Sims for awhile. My character mostly stayed home and beat off."

Richard: "There's been a lot of recent debates about video games as an "art form." Peter Travers recently named Grand Theft Auto as a great "cinematic" experience. Do you think video games can be art, Chip?"

Chip: "Well, obviously, they're an inherently inferior medium, just as TV is inferior to film which is inferior to books (by which of course I mean the books in the canon). Plus, video games are an open ended medium, by which I mean the player himself (and I say himself because I don't for the life of me believe that women play video games) is constantly "writing" the ending. Can that be art, when there's not a clear beginning, middle, and end. I'm going to say no."

Richard: "Agreed."

Chip: "As long as they're coming up with new games, I'd love to see a Sex and the City videogame in which you could choose which cougar to be and gain points through various ways, such as: who fucks the most guys; who owns the most shoes; who drinks the most Cosmos. As I say, women do not play these kind of games, but I think a lot of guys would really enjoy becoming a woman within the comfortable confines of the gaming world. Or I suppose guys could opt to play one of the ladies' "boytoys." Whose boytoy would you be?"

Richard: "Charlotte's. But I'll tell you what would truly be awesome, Chip: a videogame based on our own lives! Wait, no, that would probably be more like your Sims experience, actually."

*I'm pretty sure the My Dinner with Andre joke is stolen from somewhere, but then again maybe I'm just thinking about the My Dinner with Andre action figures in Waiting for Guffman?

This Weekend in Local Art News!

Downtown Larryville has a new art space called The Percolator, and this weekend brings the opening of something called "The Dime Bag Show" in which local artists transform various items from the Social Service League into "art."

Chip says: "A dime bag is a reference to weed, and I can only imagine some will be smoked at this show. Naturally, I've never tried it myself but I understand that, when you smoke it, everything seems like 'art,' even the interminable guitar noodlings of stupid hippie jam bands. I'm tempted to call the authorites and get this show shut down. We've got too much art in this town, and not enough bars."

Richard: "Does Ft. Scott have any art galleries, Chip?"

Chip: "Of course not. Now we do have 'arts and crafts,' which is different. That's practical. A person can easily get some use out of a kazoo whittled from an oak branch. And some people do have paintings of black-velvet Elvises and dogs playing poker (that one always cracks me up...just to see those pooches gambling!). But I assume they bought those paintings in Joplin. Is there art in Romance?"

Richard: "Actually, we did have a woman who painted. Pictures of lighthouses. Exclusively. They were quite nice. She had her own little space in the attic of an abandoned house that eventually became the town 'library.' A friend says she mostly sat around up there and ate bananas."

Chip: "Romance had a library?"

Richard: "For a little while, yeah. It was really more of an 'archives' for local documents and such. But they had a few books and I think they did a brisk business with the Left Behind series."

Chip: "Oh, I like those! It's fun to think about armageddon! The movie with Kirk Cameron was good too. Remember him on Growing Pains. His friend was named Boner. Holy shit! Boner! Television used to be so much better."

The Chronicles Gets a New Cast Member! / Plus, the Boys Consider Their Favorite Larryville Drinks and Drink Specials!

Readers, as you know, we live in an age of constant surveillance where it's safe to assume the President listens to most of our phone calls and the government continually monitors our library usage [Richard has apparently had Joy of Sex checked out since 1989 and is currently incurring overdue charges on The Kama Sutra for Dummies]. In such an environment, how can we blame a young country squire like Kip for becoming a bit concerned that future employers may be less than pleased with his on-line antics? (even though Richard personally defies any of you to access this blog through a normal Google search). At any rate, Kip is leaving the blog today and being replaced henceforth as "Chip," who is expected to share many of the same views, such as an abiding hatred for hippies and the Replay Lounge, a distrust of art, and a passion for sweet young coeds. The Chronicles apologize for any confusion this may cause, but trusts that our readers will continue to enjoy their visits here as Richard and his new friend "Chip Smiley" continue to cut a swath through local bars and chase the finest Larryville pussy around town [Richard, by the way, will continue to be known as Richard, or perhaps Rick, if he's feeling especially sexy, and occasionally by his "pimp name": Sugar Dick].


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Readers often wonder if the boys drink the same thing in every bar, or if certain bars demand certain drinks? And do the boys have favorite drink specials about town? Here are some answers.

Chip: "The best beer in town is the Cyclist at Free State. If you kind of want a beer and you kind of want a lemonade, this is where the action's at. It comes in a girly long-stemmed glass that would normally embarrass me, but it's so fucking good I don't even care to look a little feminine while I drink it."

Richard: "Here's an interesting fact that most people are scared to admit: the microbrews out at 23rd Street Brewery are good. Those are fighting words to Free State fans, even among the normally non-violent hippies that never leave the Free State patio."

Chip: "The 2-for-1 martini special on Thursday's at the Eldridge has created its own scene here in town. Richard and I often slip in, order a domestic beer, and watch the local sophisticated ladies in their cocktail dresses as if we're observing animals in a zoo...very sexy animals!"

Richard: "It's not cool to like the Sandbar but having a Modelo Especial in a can is a nice summer treat (or it was, until they discontinued Modelo in favor of that stupid Parrothead swill called Land Shark). The frozen drinks here are fun too, especially the 'shark bite,' which is bright blue but turns blood red when you empty the shot of Grenadine out of the little plastic shark. It's as much fun to play with as it is to get shitfaced on."

Chip: "I like the fruity drinks with the little umbrellas. But at the same time I'm not above drinking a PBR at the Replay now and then. Sure, it tastes like warm urine, but it's cheap."

Richard: "PBR has become an important way for hipsters to bond. Ordering a PBR at the Replay says 'Yes, I may know every band who's recorded on the Kill Rock Stars label but I'm really just like you, I enjoy domestic beer and backyard barbecues and hope to one day settle down with a nice girl, so long as she owns the right records."

Chip: "Quinton's doesn't have great specials anymore, but at the same time every drink I drink there is special to me."

Larryville vs. Ft. Scott vs. Romance (a new series!) / Plus, The Boys' Local Band of the Week!

In this new series the boys attempt to better understand Larryville through the respective lens' of their small-town pasts.

Richard: “Kip, for all your talk about loving the ‘sweet young ass’ of Larryville, you spend an awful lot of time in Ft. Scott at your parents’ house. Many readers wonder: what do you DO down there? What’s the appeal?”

Kip: “It’s mainly because everything is simpler down there, less ambiguous. It’s either ‘Ford or Chevy’ or “Foxworthy or Cable Guy” or ‘Miller or Budweiser’. And even that last one has now been solved, after Budweiser got sold to those prissy little Belgians. Larryville confuses me with its ‘diversity’ and ‘tolerance.’”

Richard: “Moving to Larryville for me was like discovering civilization after being lost in the desert for 26 years. In Romance, a man has to drive a half hour to purchase alcohol. Imagine that, Kip! Imagine that! Luckily, we did have a local ‘bootlegger’ by the name of Pig Free who stocked up on Natty Lite which he sold to those who didn’t want to make the drive, or whose trucks were broken-down. And sometimes he sold to children as well. Children need beer too.”

Kip: “Ft. Scott has a very fine bar called Rusty’s and let me tell you it’s preferable to the Replay any day. Once I saw a dogfight at the Replay. That’s crazy! In Ft. Scott, dogfights only occur in designated places and it costs five bucks to see them.”

Richard: “In Romance we had to drink our beer in the town square and we often received a ‘stern warning’ from the local constable. So how is Larryville perceived by Ft. Scotians?”

Kip: “You’ve heard the phrase “Gay-U,” I imagine? Well, I think it was coined by my friend Mike.”

Richard: “Romance knows nothing of Larryville, but its denizens look skeptically at the Midwest in general. We perceive it as a strangely flat territory where the people have no discernible accents and can’t cook catfish. However, I’ve grown to appreciate the cornfed farmgirls of Kansas, I have to say.”

Kip: “But the problem with Larryville women is that most of them are actually from Johnson County and have been taught that they deserve something better than a farmboy like myself. They think ‘barefoot and pregnant’ is something to be avoided.”

Richard: “In Romance people tend to get married and live in a trailer beside their parents’ house.”

Kip: “Right. It’s how life should be and once was, back before people got confused by the liberalism that breeds in college towns. Now don’t get me completely wrong here. There are things to be said for the liberated women of Larryville, mainly that they’re willing to have casual sex with me, but at the same time it’s a treat to withdraw back to Ft. Scott on weekends and watch the sun set on a simpler world where we’re skeptical of foreigners and take our honeymoons in Branson, Missouri.”


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The boys' local band of the week is: Ad Astra Per Aspera.

Kip: "The name is Latin and I'm sure they think it's clever. It means 'to the stars through difficulties.' The band members look like art majors."

Richard: "They are playing an all-covers set at the Replay on Sunday night. Should be cool."

Kip: "I'll be at a church-casserole-dinner on Sunday night."

Cl.thier: "Hey, don't forget that I'm also playing a mostly all-covers set this weekend."

Kip: "Is your show really an all-ABBA night, or is that just some stupid shit Richard put on the blog?"

Cl.thier: "Do you WANT it to be an all-ABBA night, Kip."

Kip: "Maybe."

This Week in University News! / Plus, Excerpts from the Boys' OTHER writing projects / And...The Fans Have Spoken!

The boys' alma mater was named by the Chronicles of Higher Education this week as one of the nation's "great colleges to work for." The boys totally agree.

Richard: "I've finally been promoted from a private, isolated office to a large classroom converted into cubicle-space, perfect for socializing. My cubicle is right next to the door, presumably because everyone is proud of my work and wants to "put me on display," so to speak."

Kip: "My department's faculty was always happy to call me in for one-on-one discussions, such as the time they explained to me that a "discussion leader" was not allowed to "teach" his students. It was a very helpful distinction, which I believe made me a better teacher. Well, I shouldn't say "teacher." A better "discussion leader." Hell, let's face it, a better man!"

A day after the list appeared, the University announced 15 million worth of budget cuts.

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Our readers often wonder what other projects the boys are working on when they are not writing for this blog. Today we present brief excerpts from the boys' other work, beginning with Kip's Education dissertation (the original copy is handwritten and features a large amount of glitter and several pop-up illustrations):

"In this study I posit that the increasing ignorance and virtual illiteracy of middle-school punks is a product not so much of our increasingly dumbed-down society of reality-television and text-messaging but moreso a severe lapse in classroom pedagogy that allows the students too much flexibility in what they read instead of focusing on a proven canon of white middle-class morality tales and a technique that successfully balances memorization and paddlings."

As announced in a recent post, Richard is trying to earn some quick cash by capitalizing on the success of the recent Twilight series of vampire novels by writing his own series about a high-school wolfman who simultaneously falls for a brainy Math-lete and a nubile cheerleader. So far he only has the opening sentence:

"As the full moon rose outside his bedroom window, Harry Lupus awoke with a very furry boner."

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Our intense recent poll taught us that our bitter and cynical readers absolutely do NOT want ordinary tales of the boys' falling in love (with women), but are very much interested in: (1) bawdy stories involving Romance, Arkansas; (2) pictures of Kip (some of them shirtless and/or flying kites); (3) more installments of the "Babes We'd Love to Bone" series (sorry, Reverend H.!). Future installments will strive to bring you what you want, dear readers!

This Week in Local News: Save the "T" ! / Plus, Is The Wedding of the Century...Cancelled?!

Supporters of Larryville's little-used, bankrupt public bus system met last night in an effort to "save the 'T'." How do the boys feel about Lawrence buses?

Richard: "I was recently hanging out at Solidarity Revolutionary Library and was informed that Larryville has an extensive system of underground tunnels which could easily be transformed into a much more efficient subway service. The only problem is that the tunnels are full of C.H.U.D's."

Kip: "I don't understand a single word of what Richard said, but here's my thought on Larryville buses: they are creepy. Usually there's just a couple of lonely old guys on there, sometimes in trenchcoats. One time one of them sidled up next to me, sat down, put his hand on my knee, and asked me if I liked gladiator movies.* I was so scared I got off at the next stop and had to walk home through East Lawrence. Oh, I was scared."


*yes, that line is stolen from the movie Airplane.


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Local discussion boards are rife with rumors that White Owl's impending nuptials have been called off.

Richard: "Maybe he figured out that it's possible for him to bang young college women without marrying them. Hell, we've been doing it for years, Kip."

Kip: "What am I supposed to do with this prescription of Viagra I bought for him? Take it myself? Because I can assure you all that I have a perpetual boner without the usage of erection pills!"

Richard: "Oh, I figure that the mystic White Owl doesn't need it either. He probably practices tantric sex. That's what attracts these nubile coeds to old dudes."

Kip: "Disgusting! Fort Scott Sex Ed. taught us that it's best just to get in, get the job done, and get out. Like an army maneuver. And only after marriage."

Kip Reviews Summer Cinema, Vol. II: Mamma Mia!

Kip says: "I'm a man's man and I like "guy movies." There aren't enough of them these days but this summer has brought us two very fine ones. The first, of course, was the Sex and the City movie, which explored the lives and loves of four horny old women and taught us many things (for instance, I had no idea that women of that age even had sex at all!). And in theaters now is another: Mamma Mia. Now I realize that I've made disparaging comments about musicals in the past, calling them a "gay art" (street gangs just don't sing and dance...I'm sorry!). But this one, a story about a young girl looking for her real father, centered around the complex music of ABBA, made me change my mind. I'll tell you why. First and foremost, there's the presence of one Pierce Brosnan, in my opinion the finest of the Bonds (and let us not forget his role as Remington Steele). If it's okay for Pierce Brosnan to sing and dance, then it's okay for me to sing and dance. Simple as that. And then of course there's the music. ABBA is often misunderstood as being "sweet" or "simplistic," but look at the lyrics of a song like "Dancing Queen": "You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen/ Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine/ You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life/See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen." Here the songwriters Bjorn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson rework the usually "innoocent" image of the young queen into a rather raunchy celebration of teenage sexuality: I'm fairly certain that "dig in the dancing queen" means that the speaker wants to "enter" her (sexually, I mean). This is a powerful film and you'll notice that it did reasonably well at the box-office in its first weekend despite the stiff competition of the new Batman flick. I imagine that most of Batman's audience consists of young women who want to look at pretty-boy Christian Bale in his Batsuit, while the real men of the world are in the auditorium next door, having the time of their lives. And let me conclude with a final piece of advice to guys. There's a fellow named Colin Firth in this film who has apparently appeared in a lot of romantic-comedies (which I have not seen, as I generally dislike that "chick-flick" shit). But if you take a date to Mamma Mia and afterwards praise the acting ability of this Firth, it just might earn you a blowjob, possibly even during the car ride home."

Below, Kip is pictured reading Bright Lights Dark Shadows: The Real Story of ABBA by Carl Palm.

[deleted by request of Kip, who suddenly fears his new employers might perform a magical "image search!"]

The Boys Plan a Scavenger Hunt! (and they need your help!)

Long-time fans are aware that the boys occasionally supplement their usual bar-going with certain special events, such as the great "Experiment" of a few years back, in which Kip and Richard, each accompanied by a faithful advisor and "wingman," visited a carefully chosen succession of bars in an attempt to see who was more "successful" with the ladies. [neither got laid, of course, or even close, but Richard was declared the winner after finding himself at a table of ladies whereas Kip, after sending drinks to those ladies, cowered in the alley like a frightened puppy, unsure how to follow through on his suave actions]. Much was learned that night and the evening served, if nothing else, as a great opportunity for the boys to employ their best pick-up lines, ranging from the sophistication of "Do you girls enjoy Fellini?" at Henry's to the decidedly more crude "Is all this pussy spoken for?" at Quinton's. [Kipnote: Most of the ladies who go to Quinton's do not perceive this line to be offensive or degrading, but rather a much-appreciated straightforward inquiry containing none of the subtle innuendoes or shades of meaning that can sometimes confuse them and delay intercourse for several hours).

But what is this Scavenger Hunt the boys now have in mind? Well, the idea came to Kip and Richard last Friday, when they encountered a group of spectacularly drunk young women at Fatso's who were licking shots of "rumple' off the bar and perusing a 'list' which they grasped like some magical object. As it turns out, this group (and six or seven others wandering about town like drunken angels) were engaged in a Scavenger Hunt in which they received a certain number points for accomplishing various tasks along their pub crawl, such as: make out with three foreigners; play someone's musical instrument; smoke weed; allow a stranger to write on your body [and let us interject here that Richard was indeed given the rare pleasure of writing 'Nog Was Here' on supple young flesh, although he was not--as he hoped--allowed to write this on a certain scavenger's ass]. When the group sadly departed, the boys, of course, began to think of a "hunt" of their own, although their list has not yet proceeded much further than "Fuck a waitress (double-points for a Quinton's waitress)." That's where we need your help, faithful readers, and we now open the comments section up to suggestions from you all.

In the meantime, your regularly scheduled satire will resume as usual (as well as upcoming photos of Kip, which is apparently what the people truly want, based on recent surveys!).

Is This Art, or Isn't It? / Plus, "Barack Chalk Jayhawk" (another T-shirt controversy!)

Tonight, local band Black Christmas brings their "multi-media project" called "Piece Now" to the Replay.

Richard says: "I've seen some powerful and moving art over the years at the Replay, ranging from the short train films of the Hobo Film Festival to performance art featuring models covered in paint to the Hardaways' infamous 'recreation' of Abbey Road, and I assume tonight's performance will be memorable as well."

Kip says: "If it's happening at the Replay, I can assure you that it's not art. Can art exist in an environment where people are too drunk on PBR to remember it? Of course not. Art exists in museums and other designated spaces.


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In other news, KU has turned its copyright-fury from Joe College to the local Young Democrats Club, refusing to let them print any more of their "Barack Chalk Jayhawk" shirts for fear it infringes on KU trademarks and implies a tacit endorsement of Obama's campaign.

Kip says: "I haven't really been following the election. Barack's the Muslim dude, right?"

The Boys Consider Poetry!

A new poet laureate was named this week, and once again none of the boys received this honor. This year it went to Kay Ryan, known for "sly, compact poems that revel in wordplay and internal rhymes" (New York Times). The naming of Ryan as poet laureate led the boys to reflect on poetry in general.

Kip: "In my opinion, clever wordplay is the domain of the limerick-writer. Poetry is a place for raw, bare emotions. I generally use it as a means of getting into a woman's pants. If I'm trying to woo a lady, I read her a poem or write her a poem."

Richard: "Does this work for you, Kip?"

Kip: "Once it did. Although I suppose the tequila shots may have played a role as well."

Cl.thier: "As a working poet myself, Kip is indeed onto something. Certain poems, like certain songs, are what we in the music industry refer to as 'panty-droppers.'

Richard: "At parties, I often recite Emily Dickinson poems to the tune of the 'Gilligan's Island' theme. It's good for a few laughs. Hasn't gotten me laid though."

Cl.thier: "You should try reciting them to the tune of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together."

Z-Man: "For me, poetry is a means of exploring an altered consciousness. I know other ways too, but the good thing about poetry is that it's legal."

Richard: "It's legal now. At least until McCain gets elected."

Kip: "In terms of teaching poetry, I'm a big fan of making students memorize poems. It's nice in its own right, but when I make them memorize a work like Housman's "When I Was One-and-Twenty," I'm doing the students a larger service in that I'm introducing them to a life of everlasting sorrow and regret."

Dr. C: "Kip, I fondly remember the poetry-off we held at Quinton's when I pitted my excerpts from the Rubaiyat up against your more Romantic sensibilities while Richard and Brian F.nan competed with their paltry song lyrics."

Kip: "Songs aren't poems! How silly! I remember winning that competition, but that may be a drunken memory. I also won the masturbation contest."

Richard: "It was a competition regarding who masturbated the most!"

Cl.thier: "Let's end this discussion with a line from Kay Ryan: 'Everything contains some silence.'

Kip: " 'Everything contains some silence?' No shit! This is the contribution of a laureate? Let's close with this instead: " 'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,/ —that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.' . Now that, my friends, is the kind of line that makes women horny!"

Today in Larryville: Sidewalk Sale!

Yes, it's here, and crowds are expected to swarm Mass. Street in a way not witnessed since KU won the championship. However, today's women are far less likely to take off their shirts...and far more likely to resemble your grandmother.

Nonetheless, the boys are expected to make an appearance in hopes that Joe College may be trying to illegally unload some of their discontinued T-shirts. Even if this isn't the case, the boys still intend to purchase several of the still-legal "Muck Fizzou" shirts.

Kip says: "Saying 'fuck you' to Missouri is something that never goes out of style, and these shirts are a good way to do it without actually using the word 'fuck.' I often wear mine to church in Ft. Scott. It cracks up the preacher every time!"

The Reviews Are In! / Plus, Kip's Television Pick of the Week!

The popularity of The Larryville Chronicles has been spreading like wildfire this summer, from the headquarters of PayLess Shoes in Topeka to the mean streets of East Lawrence. Today we share what people have been saying:

"Has Kip really only seen five boobs? Because usually they come in pairs." --Ashley, PayLess

"Many of the posts are too long. Am I really supposed to read all those country lyrics?" --local children's minister and kickball star

"Once Richard explained to me that he was only using me as a satirical mouthpiece to express certain opinions, I began to "get" this blog, and no longer wanted to punch him in the face. My parents, however, were not so impressed when they discovered the blog in their computer's history. I'm grounded for the rest of the summer." --Kip

"It's sometimes funny, but my blog, Stately Pleasure Domes, has more pictures of naked women." --Dr. C, www.cavernsmeasureless.blogspot.com/

"I enjoy writing this, but I have other writing projects I want to attend to as well. For instance, I'm thinking of trying to capitalize on the huge success of these Twilight young-girl vampire novels by writing my own series about a sensitive, insecure young wolfman who finds himself unexpectedly torn between the love of the captain of the cheerleaders and the nerdy girl who is the head of the Mathletes." --Nog

"L-Ville's inside jokes have a certain hipster-cool quotient, but the blog is less generally perceptive than others such as Stuff White People Like. They turned that one into a book." --NewYorkTimes Review of Blogs

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Kip's TV Pick!

Kip says: "I just want to remind all of you that, at long last, Dog the Bounty Hunter returns to American television tonight with new episodes. Yes, his racial slurs were (for some reason) shocking to many viewers, but he's been a great hero to us here in Ft. Scott and I ask you to find it in your hearts to forgive him and enjoy his efforts to catch bailjumpers and other assorted scumbags. It's powerful television."

This Week in Local Court Cases (Follow-up Report) / Plus, The Boys Consider Johnson County!

This week, a jury ordered local business Joe College to pay KU $127,000 for copyright infringement and discontinue the sale of approximately 50 of its shirts. "Muck Fizzou" can stay. "Our Coach Can Eat Your Coach" must go. "Our Coach Beat Anorexia" can stay.

Richard: "Some may think the decisions on what can stay and what must go seem arbitrary, but in actuality it's very logical. The anorexia slogan is a celebration of fatness in the face of adversity. That's fine. While the eating of other coaches portrays Mang.no as a ravenous, cannibalistic man-beast. Clearly unacceptable."

Kip: " 'Muck Fizzou' is pure comic gold. It's like seeing someone get kicked in the balls: funny every time! And I already own the 50 shirts that have been discontinued. So I'm fine with this settlement. I've got family birthdays coming up. It's shopping time!"

Meanwhile, the case against Sherron C.llins seems to be fizzling as the mysterious "evidence" was deemed insufficient for trial.

Kip says: "What good is being a basketball superstar if you're not allowed to whip your dick out and wave it around every once in awhile? An elevator is pretty much a private place. And the lady should be honored he chose to show it to her."


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In other news, Overland Park, Kansas checks in at number nine on Money magazine's annual list of the best places to live in America.

Kip says: "I want to hate Johnson County, but when I look at all the sweet young ass around me at Quinton's I remind myself: 'So much of this ass was born and raised in Johnson County.' So I can't quite hate it. I do, however, have a tendency to make fun of the County's stereotypes when I'm teaching, which recently resulted in me being called before the Western Civ. administration and receiving a lecture on how our students are unable to understand sarcasm and that it should not be used in a discussion course."

Richard says: "In my darker moments I sometimes think about abandoning my bohemian, academic lifestyle and getting a job at Sprint Nextel and getting married and having three kids (one of each*) and walking around the Great Mall every Saturday before a nice dinner at Applebee's. But then I remember I fucking love the Replay Lounge!"



*Woody Allen joke

The Boys' Country Corner (Vol. 5...Final Volume?)

It's been a fun journey through the mainstream country charts, but the boys are soon to turn their powers of cultural inquiry to other matters in the coming weeks (perhaps the New York Times Bestseller list or the summer television season). In the meantime, enjoy this double-header!

Brooks and Dunn's "Put a Girl in It":

You can buy you a brand new truck
Chrome it all out, jack it way up
You can build you a house up high on a hill
With a pool and a pond and a view to kill
You can make all the money in sight
But you aint livin the good life

Til you put a girl in it
You aint got nothin
What's it all worth
Without a little lovin
Put a girl in it
Some huggin and some kissin
If you're world's got somethin missin
Just put a girl in it

Kip: "If this song were reversed, with a female narrator telling her audience that her life was worthless without a man, there would be a national feminist uproar. As it stands, however, men can enjoy this song and know that every word is completely true. Without a woman to bone, I hate myself."

Richard: "This song makes me vow right here and now that I'll be married by 2010."

Kenny Chesney's "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy":

She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always staring at me
While I'm chuggin along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up the land
She's even kind of crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy

Kip: "This is a powerful statement about male insecurity. The narrator here is kind of a redneck equivalent of the young loner who likes role-playing games or obscure indie bands and fears he'll never find someone who shares his specialized interests. But then suddenly someone comes along who "gets" him. This song is so fucking sweet it makes me cry."

Richard: "At this point I'm going to tell you a true story about Romance, Arkansas and some of my more sensitive readers may wish to stop reading at this point, as it contains strong language and sexual subject matter. In my high-school days I was attending a party in a field (bonfire, beer, music) and there was an ancient abandoned combine nearby [Kipnote: a combine is a large piece of farm equipment used in harvesting]. At one point in the evening a popular local character named Big Den, probably 40-something years old at the time, informed us, apropos of nothing: "Boys, I've eaten many a girl's pussy out over there in that old combine." Now let me tell you that Big Den, as his name implies, was a rather large fellow with a bushy beard who spoke everything very loudly because he lost part of an ear as a child when his brother ran over him with a motorcycle. And yet...this was the Combine Cunnilingus King of White County? It's possible that he was exaggerating, of course, but I don't think so. This really made me think of my rural world in a new light. Was everyone but me having amazing oral sex in abandoned pieces of farm equipment while I wandered about oblivious? To this day, I believe so. And Chesney's song reinforces that belief. All around us, gentlemen, are women who want nothing more than to get fucked on a tractor. Let us make the most of it."

The Boys Consider Local Music

During their journey through local bars, the boys have naturally encountered many bands on the local scene. Today they share a few thoughts on several of the better-known Larryville acts.

Drakkar Sauna

Kip: "It sounds like frogs of varying sizes are being hit on the head with mallets."

Richard: "They have a song called "Very Much Alone, Part 4: Oh Fuck, I'm Fucked, Fuck." I haven't heard the first three parts, but this one is pretty good."

Fourth of July

Richard: "My friend King Tosser says these guys have the best-looking fans in town. I always expect to get laid when I see them, but this hasn't happened yet."

Boo and Boo Too:

Richard: "I don't know much about them but the name annoys me in a way I can't fully explain. It makes me want to throw rocks at them."

Deadman Flats:

Kip: "At Fatso's I once danced with a hippie chick while they were playing. Did you see me spin her around the floor? It was neat."

Black Christmas:

Kip: "This sounds like a pagan ritual and I make sure to leave town when they have a show booked."

Z-Man: "Once I ate a 'special' mushroom before their set and I realized that they are the single greatest musicians to ever pick up instruments."

Matt Cl.thier:

Matt Cl.thier: "Truly, I have the sexiest fans in town and someday Richard and Kip will surely get laid after one of my shows. Possibly during."

Kip: "He used to be my officemate."

Another Episode of "Is It Art, or Isn't It?" / Plus, Kip's Hometown Makes the Guinness Book of World Records (Twice!)

In the last installment of this continuing series, the boys reached a split-decision on Larryville's Summer Solstice Bonfire and Mask Party, with Kip calling it decidedly non-art ("it's just a public celebration of the barely concealed paganism that lies under Larryville's placid surface") while Richard declared it to be art ("frightening, sure, but certainly art").

Today the boys consider the Victor Continental Show, celebrating ten years of debauchery, sketch comedy, and sock puppetry this weekend at Liberty Hall.

Kip says: "It's just a bunch of friends who get drunk on stage and make inside jokes about local places and politics. Not art. I mean, if we were to write up our own drunken antics and our visits to various bars in a humorous manner, would you call THAT art."

Richard says: "Yes, Kip. I fucking would."

---

It's been a proud week for Fort Scott, Kansas, which set two World Records: one for laying the longest line of pennies (40 miles) and another for laying a mile of pennies faster than anyone else (2 hours, 23 minutes, 1 second).

Kip says: "In Fort Scott, we have a lot of extra time and we enjoying laying pennies down on the ground in a line. It all just sort of worked out to our advantage."

Did Kip himself place the final penny? When he returns from Colorado, where he's currently amongst the mountain hippies ("they wear backpacks and smell like bran muffins"), we'll certainly ask him.

This Week in Court: KU vs. Joe College!

The trial is underway in KU's effort to stop the downtown business Joe College from selling T-shirts that infringe on various KU "trademarks." What do the boys think?

Kip: "These shirts are wicked-clever. There's one about playing with your Self. That means Coach Self. And one about shitting purple, which I believe means that we'll eat K-State and shit them out. I do a lot of holiday shopping there, including Mother's Day, and I hope it can stay open."

Richard: "I find the shirts mildly amusing at best, but I'm in favor of letting Joe College sell them, especially after they've taken the trouble to post 200 signs that say their stuff is not KU-affiliated. However, if they close down and a cool new bar pops up there, I'm okay with that too, since I prefer drinking to shopping."

On the Horizon: White Owl's Nuptials and Larryville's Sidewalk Sale!

With White Owl's marriage fast-approaching, the boys have spent a lot of time thinking about the perfect gift. But what to get for the old hippie who has everything (including the love of a nubile college Junior)?

Richard says: "I'm going to go with something tried-and-true, something I know they'll both get a lot of use from: a new bong."

Kip says: "My gift is a bit more unconventional, and mostly for the bride-to-be's father. I've hired a deprogrammer to figure out if she's been brainwashed."

---

Next week brings what is possibly Larryville's largest summer event: The Downtown Sidewalk Sale.

Kip says: "This is a day when the local shopkeeps move their wares out on the sidewalk and a lot of sweaty and very large women who don't normally go outdoors show up and they grab, grab, grab everything in their radius. One time a woman grabbed me. I think she thought my shirt was for sale. If you are smart, you'll skip this and just go to Wal-Mart."

The Boys Review Local Cuisine!

Today's news that the (very good) Biemer's Barbecue is moving into the location of the much-missed local fast-food joint Bucky's leads the boys to reflect on various local dining options.

Vermont Street Barbecue
Richard: "I liked it better when it was on Vermont Street. It's not so much that the food was better, but just that the Mass. Street location makes it feel like such a geographical oddity."

Zen Zero:
Kip: "Once I tried to order a chicken-fried steak there. They looked at me funny."

Kelly's Cafe:
Richard: This is the closest one can find around here to a good old-fashioned 'blue-plate,' meat-and-two-veggies lunch. It's the kind of meal that makes a southerner happy. Plus, there's a porno store next door."

Milton's:
Kip: "I only recently went there for the first time. I always thought Milton's was like the morning equivalent of the Replay, which is to say: very freaky! But it turns out they serve normal breakfast foods."

Papa Keno's:
Richard: "Thank goodness it's reopened. I was getting so tired of seeing stupid hippies wandering around looking confused."

Kip: "I like their pizza."

Quinton's:
Kip: "I've probably eaten here more than any other place in town, but I hate their food. Still, it's a real pleasure to eat a sandwich while staring at hot young ass. For the longest time, I was scared to try their famous 'breadbowl' soups, because I believed they were a threat to my sexuality. However, I've discovered that I can eat one and still get a boner...for women."

Various comments:

Richard: "Sushi is everywhere. It's become such a sign of 'hipness.' Downtown needs to open a 'sushi and PBR' shop. It would make a bundle."

Kip: "I've said it before and I'll say it again: This fucking town needs a fast-food chicken restaurant besides KFC!"

The Boys Country Corner, Vol. IV / Plus, Kip and Richard Think About the Dictionary!

It turns out that not all country singers are men in cowboy hats. This week the boys examine Gretchen Wilson’s “Redneck Woman.”

Well I ain't never
Been the barbie doll type
No I can't swig that sweet champagne
I'd rather drink beer all night
In a tavern or in a honky tonk
Or on a 4 wheel drive tailgate
I've got posters on my wall of Skynyrd, Kid and Strait
Some people look down on me
But I don't give a rip
I'll stand barefooted in my own front yard with a baby on my hip

Cause I'm a redneck woman
And I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raisin'
And I say "hey y'all" and "Yee Haw"

Kip says: “I won’t lie. Feminism scares me. And I sense a somewhat feminist message in the early lines here, in the rejection of the “Barbie” stereotype. I know that many of my feminist colleagues get angry at the notion of Barbies, about how they enforce a ‘girly’ expectation from a very early age. But it’s just a doll, people! A very sexy doll!”

Richard says: “Many female country singers like the Dixie Chicks are seeking to overthrow the old ‘stand by your man’ sentiment of the Tanya Tucker days, but Wilson’s song doesn’t comfortably fit into that vein. Notice how she rejects the Barbie stereotype only to embrace the ‘barefoot and pregnant’ scenario a few lines later. No, this is mostly a simple celebration of the ‘country girl.’ I’ve known a few in my Southern days. We used to have a saying back in high-school in Romance: “if she drives a truck, she’ll fuck!’ Sometimes it was true.”

Kip says: “What I’m looking for is a girl who looks and dresses like she’s on her way to Quinton’s but also enjoys planting corn and going to tractor-pulls. But I haven’t found one yet.”

-----

This week the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary added this year’s crop of new words, including “infinity pool” and “air quotes.” Despite a year of intense efforts on Richard’s part, however, the word “bitchcakes” did not make the cut.

Richard says: “This shit is bitchcakes!”

Kip says: “Dude, I love using air quotes! (Sometimes I even use air parentheses!).”

The Boys Consider East-Side Safety / Also: Another Replay Roundup!

In the wake of continuing neighborhood robberies, concerned East side citizens have convened an "emergency meeting" this weekend at the new East Side People's Market.

Kip: "If they are meeting to discuss the formation of a vigilante group, I'm in favor of this. But I suspect this is not the case."

Richard: "I don't think so. These are non-violent citizens. Their idea is that getting to know each other as a community should help stop local burglaries and such. It's a great idea...if the burglars happen to attend this meeting."

Kip: "Maybe they'll make everyone in the East Side wear a name tag. But if it were up to me, I'd vote for a vigilante group. It works wonders in Ft. Scott. When Old Man Peters got his lawnmower stolen, we tracked down the guy who did it and whipped his ass but good out back of Rusty's Bar. I truly don't think he'll be stealing another lawnmower, even IF he ever gets out of the hospital."

---

It's been awhile since we checked in on Richard's Replay antics. The holiday weekend found his favorite bar in top form, with a double-bill on Friday by local favorites Fourth of July, joined by Dri, who is soon to open for Modest Mouse and Conor Oberst in a series of shows (Kip says: "A local act is about to open for bands that I've actually heard of? Neat! But I still hate the Replay."). On Saturday, the bar hosted a reunion of Larryville's top local pop and punk acts of the 80's. Richard says, "I hope in twenty years I'll come back to town and debate the pros and cons of the bluegrass bands of my era. Of course, I do this now on a nightly basis, but in twenty years it might be even more important."

The Boys Celebrate America's Independence / Plus, A Chronicles Classic: Dr. C's "This Great Land of Ours!"

Just in time for the 4th, a new study has appeared which reports that watermelon, containing an ingredient called citrulline, can have similar effects to Viagra when consumed in sufficient quantities. Kip says: "Wow. I've always wondered why I get so horny on the 4th. I thought it was the fireworks."

In addition to walking around with watermelon-boners, how else do the boys spend this most patriotic of days? Kip, of course, is in Ft. Scott with a sparkler in one hand and a hot dog in the other, wearing a flag lapel pin and watching the parade on Main Street. Richard, in Larryville, has chosen to fly his freak flag instead and attend the Replay's patio show this evening. The boys wish their readers a happy holiday!

Now, as promised, the Chronicles from time to time bring you treasures from their back catalogue. Long-time fans will remember Dr. C. as an integral part of the Chronicles long before it even solidified into this blog. He was many things to many people: lover, fighter, scholar, father, poet, scientist, Writer of the Future. A man who once met David Carradine, who once got drunk and commandeered a local party bus, a man who once smashed a glass in Quinton's parking lot so mad was he at Richard for knowing the name of a Freddie Prinze Jr. film. Indeed, Dr. C. wore many hats (and some of them were berets!). Here, from July 3, 2006, is a powerful piece he wrote about Larryville (and America at large). Enjoy!

On the eve of the most patriotic of all holidays, when we celebrate
the document that actually gave us freedom (as opposed to all those
subsequent ones that have tried to take it away (I'm looking at you, "Mad Jimmy"
Madison), three (ostensibly) gentlemen arrived clandestinely at their
pre-appointed meeting place to plan their putsch. It was an innocuous
location, at the unfashionable end of Massachusetts street (well,
maybe the fashionable end, although from my perspective it's pretty near the
craphole) of what might be Anytown, USA. The name was written in blue neon, the
walls of rough-hewn stone strewn carelessly with vague wrought-iron forms.
The floor dirty, the faux leather of the seats worn through in many places
showing the cheap foam beneath. On the wall, above the specials board
(itself a sign of our eroding freedoms, as first $2 anything, then $2
Captand Jack, have been erased) hung a pink tank top available in sizes
small and medium.

The first arrived, a paunchy, thirsty-looking man in dirty shorts and
a clean shirt, aged about 32.75. His hair short but ragged, his face
unshaven, he looked a man beyond hope and fear, a man who could do or
say anything, much to the amusement and dread of his companions. He was
unrecognized. Good, he thought. In an attempt to further conceal his
identity, he ordered a Boulevard Pale Ale rather than anything he
would normally order in this two-and-a-half-bit frat-hut. The bartender,
himself a scrawny, scraggly fellow of dubious parentage brought it without any
hint of friendliness.

The second and third men arrived together, laughing at the fresh
insults of the seditious television they had been secretly consuming. The
second, a sandy-haired Southerner, aged about 32.83, with an easy stroll, a
quick laugh, and a quiet face, came to the bar and ordered a single C-and-C.
His open expression and friendly eyes conceal a deep attic with many dark,
unrevealed corners. People trusted him instantly, at their peril. The
third, a short-blond-haired agon-without-a-cause, came to the bar and
ordered not only a double C-and-C, but a B-and-C on white with regular
chips. He was the fine shape of eternal youth and virginal desire
that makes heroes, a romantic in the body of a sex-stallion in a shell of
frailclay. The second man got a glass. The third, a plastic. The men
adjourned to a booth.

And what did they do here? Talk, as they always do, the kind of talk
that burns searing bright, a consuming flame that begets cold, impotent
ash. But, ah, the brightness of the flame, dancing up and down the
oily height of an untrimmed wick.

And of what did they talk? Most of it is unrepeatable here because it
blinds and leaves not a memory, but a vague afterimage on the mind.
They talked of Sonic Youth, and the absurd hypothesis that people at this
sinkhole of homogenized, mass-market culture would know more about the
aforementioned band than the assorted aficionados of the Replay, a bar
nestled in the midparts of Massachusetts. To demonstrate the
absurdity, the first man asked the waitress what she knew about Sonic Youth, to which
she replied, "I've never heard of it."

The first man refrained from telling high-chair stories.

The second man spoke of his big weekend, walking down Mendoza Road
beyondthe valley of the dolls to the Jetlag oasis, from thence to the land
of greasers, then to the Alabama Ghost country of Pine Hill, finally,
finally, to the sweet bosom of the Rest Eternally Peaceful in the Land of
Avalonean Youth.

They talked of movies, Asia Argento and a movie that the first man
must see (for research purposes) featuring lesbians and sex-bugs.
Superman, Ricky-Bobby, and MIIII were all mentioned.

The second man lamented the lack of Tony, Canadian twins, Jenna, and
brunettes in general.

But for those following the continuing story, know that the third man
waswistful, distant, his heart elsewhere. he barely looked at the
luscious cleavage of the blonde cutie not our waitress. He was pining for a
sweet little (in places) flower he had but barely begun to sniff, let alone
pluckand stick in his buttonhole. And for this reason, he begged that the
experiment be postponed until she went away and left his life forever,
for he could not stand even the thought of another woman while she had her
subtle fingers wrapped firmly around the base of his grey matter.

We shall see what we shall see.

Tonight in Larryville: Outdoor Noir! / Coming Soon: A Very Special Holiday Chronicles Rerun!

After two weather-related cancelleations, Lawrence makes a third attempt at this season's downtown outdoor film festival this evening. The flick: The Postman Always Rings Twice (black-and-white original...not the version where Jack Nicholson bangs Jessica Lange on a kitchen table covered in flour).

Kip says: "Black-and-white is dull. Very dull. Why couldn't they show Kevin Costner's The Postman? Or that nice Italian flick Il Postino? Or even that porn about the postman, which I think is called Special Delivery. Pretty much anything in color would be nice. But I get it. Larryville wants to create an 'old-fashioned' family atmosphere, a time that recalls the days when families sipped lemonade on the porch in the cool of an evening, similar to how life is in Ft. Scott to this very day. But it's a mistake. It's like trying to clean up Vegas. Larryville by night is a seamy town, and I fear that the families who show up for these films will get mugged by tramps and hobos on their way home."

Stay tuned this weekend for a classic blast-from-the-past as the Chronicles brings you Dr. C's famous Independence Day post called "This Great Land of Ours!" He'll make you laugh and he'll make you think!

Today in Local News: The Pride of Larryville

New road signs went up on I-70 this week trumpeting KU's recent championships. The signs feature a Jayhawk followed by these three lines:

“An International Research University.”

“2008 NCAA Men’s Basketball Champions.”

“2008 Orange Bowl Champions.”


Kip says: "The research part should come at the bottom."

Richard says: "They forgot the championship debate team. And they should also add that the Replay won Esquire's 'Best Bar in Kansas' award a few years back. Sure, that's not KU-related, but it's important."

Kip says: "Then they should also add that Quinton's waitresses are the hottest in town, using the Sm.lie ratings system, which focuses on three things, breasts, asses, smiles, in that order. And Quinton's is followed by Jefferson's which is followed by the Yacht Club."

In other sports-related local news, the men's basketball team is nominated for "team of the year" in this year's ESPY awards alongside the Boston Red Sox, New York Giants, Boston Celtics, Detroit Red Wings and Tennessee's Lady Vols.

Kip says: "One of those teams is a silly choice, but I won't say which one, for fear there are feminists reading this and once I got slapped at Quinton's by a sexy redhead for making the kind of statement I would like to make right now."

This Week in Local News: Ladybugs Are Everywhere! / Also: Kip Prepares For the Warped Tour!

Last Thursday city officials released some 18,000 ladybugs in town in an effort to fight aphids and mites in downtown flowerbeds.

Richard says: "Okay, this is exactly like that Simpsons episode where the lizards run amok and the town releases Chinese snakes to get rid of them but then has to release gorillas to take care of the snakes. By November, you'll likely see gorillas on 6th street."

Kip says: "Ladybugs are pretty, and I hope I can use 'let me check you for ladybugs?' as a pick-up line. Now that could be a sensual and sophisticated evening."

In other news, Kip is planning his annual trek to the Warped Tour at Verizon Ampitheatre tomorrow.

"I've always liked the emo music," he explains, "and it's nice to take a day and just wear black and hear those bands and sit in the sun and sulk, thinking about how everybody sucks. Maybe I'll get myself a piercing this year. Or a tattoo. Of a ladybug."

Richard says: "The only thing worse than emo is scream-o."