Readers, if you're anything like us, you are busy as hell today preparing for two things.
1) Tonight's Nerd Nite: supposedly tonight's event in Pachamama's ballroom will contain plenty of nerdspace with no capacity limit. The bar is cash only, so bring cash, nerds! We're currently putting a list of questions together for our friend Steve Dahlberg's presentation on "polymodal chromaticism." First question: what the fuck is polymodal chromaticism?
2) Tomorrow's Replay Lounge Chili Cookoff: We're making a bold choice this year, substituting Hamm's instead of PBR. Our chili also includes actual hams (as in pork). Chip calls it "Five-Boner Chili." We're likely to win.
So let's just turn the rest of the blog over today to two guest columns regarding this weekend's Loaded for Bear comedy show at LAC. The first is from Chris Nelson. The second is from Jay-Z.
LOADED FOR BEAR MEMORIES by Chris Nelson, writer, actor.
I remember my first Loaded for Bear. I was backstage with Matt Gaus and he was about to go on for the Fruit Stand sketch (a Bear classic. Next time you see Andy Morton, ask if you can buy some fruit). Anyhow, before he heads out Gaus just takes a whole fistful of benzos and black beauties. I turn around and Belushi is all, like, “Damn, even I wouldn’t take that many before going on.” And I say, “Damn it, Jim Belushi. What are you doing here? We cut the K-9 sketch. And stop eating all our popsicles.” Later that night, while I was doing the Safeword sketch, Jim Belushi runs out on stage naked and crying and stabs me repeatedly in the back and buttocks with a shank made from a sharpened popsicle stick. And I have never heard an audience laugh louder. Loaded for Bear, man. Anything can happen.
(Come see Loaded for Bear 3: Rocket to Awesome, November 16th and 17th at the Lawrence Arts Center. Tickets on sale now!)
I WILL BE PERFORMING AT LOADED FOR BEAR 3: ROCKET TO AWESOME by Jay-Z
What up? A lot of people say to me, Jay-Z, when you’re not RAPPING ABOUT PEOPLE MUCH POORER THAN YOU, or PRETENDING THAT YOU OWN A BASKETBALL TEAM, or NAMING CHILDREN AFTER COLORS, what do you do for fun?
Simple. I choose to spend my time PATRONIZING LOCAL COMEDY SHOWS in Lawrence, Kansas - specifically, LOADED FOR BEAR 3: ROCKET TO AWESOME (dropping November 16th and 17th at 9:00 p.m.) because those cats are REALER THAN YOU OR ME.
Because I want everybody to see this show, I, Jay-Z, will be GIVING AWAY FREE SHIT TO EVERYONE THAT ATTENDS THIS SHOW. I will say that again: EVERYONE THAT ATTENDS THIS SHOW WILL RECEIVE THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:
One (1) genuine TIGER with PLATINUM TEETH
One (1) full-sized MINK REFRIGERATOR
Three (3) freshly baked CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. Each cookie will contain A REAL DIAMOND
One (1) environmentally friendly FORD FOCUS that RUNS ENTIRELY ON CRISTAL
One (1) GOLDFISH that you may NAME WHATEVER YOU WANT
Oprah’s got nothing on this motherfucker.
Following the show, I will also be PERFORMING ALL THE RAP HITS THAT DEFINED A GENERATION, alongside such legendary performers as JIMMY BUFFETT, LUCIANO PAVAROTTI, Microsoft’s BILL GATES, and former NBA star GHEORGHE MURESAN. You will be MOVED TO TEARS.
If these things do not happen, you may not have your money back. But you may sue LOADED FOR BEAR 3: ROCKET TO AWESOME. That’s the Loaded for Bear Guarantee™.
Now watch this promo for the show which stars Andy Morton and a chicken: