Thursday, December 11, 2008

Today in Local News: Pack Your Reefer, Hippies, And Get Out of Kansas! / Plus, The Boys Discuss Stop Day Eve and Encounter a Barstool Philosopher!

After enduring years of anti-hippie discrimination in Larryville, the Wakarusa Festival is not only leaving town but is leaving the state altogether, bound for...Mulberry Mountain in Arkansas! The press release promises waterfalls and kayaking and general peacefullness untainted by "the Man."

Richard: "The South is not known for its kindness toward hippies and I fear this is a trap, that the hippies are being lured to the top of a mountain only to be picked off, one by one, Deliverance-style."

Chip: "Some citizens are now saying that we shouldn't let Wakarusa get away because it's a proven source of income for the community during an economic crisis. But I'd rather be poor than have a few extra hippies in town for three days of the year. Truly, this is the best news I've heard since the Gaslight Tavern closed down."


Today is Stop Day Eve, the last official day of classes for the semester, and it's a night known for debauchery, as Chip explains: "See, the girls are so busy with their studies during the semester that they rarely get a chance to drink or have sex, so tonight they go out 'on the prowl.' It's nearly impossible not to get laid on this night, especially if you stand around the area near the Hawk, the Wheel, and the Bull, which some refer to as 'the pussy triangle.'"

Richard: "Here's a Stop Day story that's mostly true. One Stop Day Eve a group of us were walking along Ohio Street and spotted a drunk sorostitute lying on her back on the sidewalk in the rain, kicking around like an overturned turtle. We tried to help her up, but she was having none of it, although she did allow Dr. C. to use her cellphone and call someone to come get her. We're fairly sure she was rescued before she drowned."


Readers often wonder, "Do the boys ever meet anyone interesting during their visits to the bars, or do they just sit in the corner discussing the 'great books?' " Well, mostly it's the latter, but occasionally they do find themselves engaged in conversation with bar patrons, such as last night at the Sandbar, when a kindly, drunken older gentleman of about 60 took a break from playing songs on the jukebox ("Love Shack") to share with the boys a rambling half-hour story full of homespun wisdom. Much of the tale was a bit confusing, but a few of the bullet points were:

* it's important to look at the stars as often as possible
* a man should accept and discard at least three ideologies over the course of his life
* the Obama cabinet is developing a 'secret syndicate' that will literally 'inject' peace and love into the citizenry

Perhaps the highlight of the conversation was when he turned to the boys and said (good-naturedly?), "You two are really just a couple of American assholes, aren't you?"

The boys allowed that this was true, at which point Richard inquired where the gentleman himself hailed from.

"South Bend, Indiana," he replied, before politely adjourning to the TapRoom next door ("I've heard they smoke a lot of dope over there," he said).

The evening gave the boys much to consider, but perhaps Chip summed up the moral best: "I suppose I've learned that this kind of thing can happen anywhere, not just at the Replay."


cl.thier said...

In further news, famous pinup starlet Bettie Page passed away today. Granted, she wasn't really adding thing to the pinup world today at 85, but still a loss. Dr. C?

chip or not chip said...

She was probably "bang-able" right up into her 70's.