Thursday, June 19, 2008

Bullwinkle's Gets Chronicled (Without Kip!); Plus, More Breaking Local News: Basketball Scandals!

With Kip perpetually absent this summer, Richard continues to hang out with a band of East-end theologians, farmers, musicians, and local chicken activists. Last night found him at The Bull, where a rowsing game of beer pong raged inside while Richard and a theologian discussed matters of great religious import on the deck, such as how much pot gets smoked at religious colleges (a lot!). This was Richard's first-ever visit to The Bull, which keeps odd hours: a sign on the bar says that "hours may vary depending on special events," which means that the place will be only be open on rare occasions when someone is actually sober enough to show up and work there. There was little to impress one about the inside of The Bull, a tiny establishment, although Richard was quite taken with its surprisingly large wrap-around patio, much of which is invisible from the road and nicely shaded, leading Richard to surmise that the area has probably seen a fair amount of "hot wet sorority action" (which is incidentally the name of one of Miracle Video's top rentals). The Bull's special on this evening was 2 dollar cans, but PBR cans were notably absent, no doubt in an effort to discourage any passing hipster from trying their luck with the sorority ladies (also notably absent during the summer). Later in the evening, Richard found himself at a "full moon party," where he explained his mission to Chronicle each bar in town and was enlightened by local farmer Dave G. on the history of a long-ago gay bar which existed near South Park.

It's been a major week in L-Ville news, but White Owl's happy news is not the only thing making headlines at the moment. Basketball star S. C.llins' 2007 sex-scandal (he is accused of "exposing himself and rubbing up against" a 35-year old woman in an elevator) has entered the news again this week as the victim was awarded a settlement due to the fact that C.llins "wasn't aware" he had to appear in court regarding the matter.

Richard says: "Somehow the athletic department can pay people to sit outside the classrooms in every building and make sure the players go to class, but they can't pay someone to get them to court on time? It's odd."

Kip says: "I find this story dubious. Just imagine all the hot young ass these guys get. Why would he need to chase after some old lady? Plus, C.llins seems like a nice young man, certainly not the kind of guy who's going to take his weiner out on a public elevator."

The facts of the event are likely to remain unknown in what some are calling the "C.llins' Cock Case," but it has raised larger questions about the behavior of student athletes. And judging from the discussion-board comments of local yahoos, it has become quite clear that most residents believe that potential sexual harassment is perfectly fine and that even an occasional rape or murder would be a small price to pay in exchange for a national championship.

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