The LC's Holiday Recap / Plus, Happy New Year's, Readers!

In America it has become mandatory to celebrate Christmas for at least two full months, beginning no later than early November. That time has almost come and gone, however, and let's look back at what's happened during the LC's hiatus.

On a warm and lazy Christmas afternoon in Arkansas, Richard and his brother paid a visit to the local bootlegger, Big Den, to wish him a bit of holiday cheer after a recent incident in which a resident ne'er-do-well struck him in the head with a log of firewood and stole his bootlegging money. Den was "laid up" for the holidays, recovering but chatty, and he regaled his visitors with tales of his past exploits, such as the time he ate two orders of double nachos with extra jalapenos at a baseball game and suffered so severely that he "seriously considered ramming a snow cone up my asshole."

In south Kansas, things were less vulgar. The Smileys sat down to a dinner of roast goose and made their usual Christmas wish: that the liberalism of Larryville would not spread outward to the other, better parts of Kansas.

On the west coast, Dr. X, the quintessential academic, roamed "the streets of San Francisco" at an academic conference (humming the theme song from that series) and searched for the best position in America to practice his particular brand of mischief.

In Denver, Dr. C looked at pictures of breasts on-line, insisting that all his searches were for research purposes (Chip: "That's what I told my mother when she caught me ordering the porno channel.").

And unto Larryville a new Cl.thier was born! His father named him after his favorite former E.R. character and lulled him to sleep with the greatest hits of the 80's, 90's, and today. The boys congratulate the proud parents and hope to see the whole family at Quinton's in the new year!

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Happy New Year's, readers, and remember that the Royal Observatory has added a "leap second" to 2008...that's one more second you can use to try to pick up that special someone at the bar!

We'll see you in 2009 with new features and the return of old favorites such as "The Boys' Country Corner!" Rumor has it that the LC's entries will be less frequent in 2009...but more powerful. Stay tuned.

The Boys Read the "Revised" Version of The Joy of Sex! / Plus, KU Vs. Joe College: The Battle Continues/ And the LC Shuts Down for the Holidays!

A lot of our hornier readers have surely been saying: "I enjoy important stories about the domesticated hedgehog crisis as much as the next person, but I sort of miss the days when the LC centered around 'boner humor' and tales of Dr. C. constructing a diorama of the 'g-spot' at Quinton's featuring four Corona bottles and some sugar packets."

Well, let's return to those sexy times today, faithful readers, as we consider the newly revised version of the 1972 classic The Joy of Sex, slated to hit bookshelves early next year. The book has been revised a number of times over the years, but the new version, revised by "British sexologist" Susan Quilliam, is "written, for the first time, for women as much as for men" (New York Times). It features a major section on the "clitoris," a subject that was largely overlooked by author Dr. Alex Comfort in the first volume, Quilliam explains, “Not because he was anti-clitoris...but because he just didn’t know” (NYTimes).

Chip: "This is exactly my position on the clitoris."

The new volume also seeks to examine the role technology is playing in sexual relationships. In the past, Quilliam says, "there were no...JDate, no Skype sex, and no such thing as 'teledildonics,' devices that allow partners thousands of miles apart to combine virtual sex with real sexual pleasure, via computer. There was no such thing as an MP3 player that doubled, in a pinch, as a vibrator." (NYTimes).

Richard: " 'Teledildonics' is my absolute favorite new word and here's an amusing discussion I found on-line: "There are places on line where you can go to learn to make your own teledildonics. These are inexpensive but require time and at least a little technical know how (or the patience to learn). These products work, but usually don’t look sexy and shiny and fresh out of the box."

Chip: "And if you don't have the time or technical know-how to make your own, I find that a hand also works."

Quilliam's revisions, quite naturally, examine the "elusive G-spot" and she also points out the existence of two other "pleasure points," which are "the A spot, deeper inside the vagina that the G spot, and the U spot, between the clitoris and the vagina." The boys, who have had more success locating the G spot since Dr. C's diorama, are both excited and apprehensive about this information but look forward to the search.

The new work eliminates many of Dr. Comfort's outdated notions about sexuality, such as his belief that "most men, given a young and attractive partner, can always get it up...it's only when a woman lets herself go that he has a problem" (NYTimes).

Chip: "Outdated?"

Quilliam claims her primary goal is to "normalize" sex, claiming that "most people don't have screaming orgasms every weekend."

Chip: "It's true. I rarely scream."

Richard: "She is shattering many of my most cherished notions about Quinton's waitresses."

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Just when you thought a truce had been reached in the battle between the university and Joe College, KU is once again filing a suit against the store and its unlicensed merchandise, claiming that the owner continued to sell many of the banned shirts after the agreement was reached.

Chip: "I'm stocking up while I can on 'Our coach is phat' shirts. They make great Christmas gifts."


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Readers, the LC is closing up shop for the holidays, but we hope you return and join us after New Year's as we continue to explore the stories that matter most to you... such as whether Richard will fulfill his New Year's resolution to bang a sorostitute in the Chi Omega Fountain. Let's hope he does, because that would be pretty hot.

The LC's Final Art Stories of 2008! / Plus, the Boys Consider LJ-World's Picks for "Stories of the Year'

Our readers may remember Richard's recent adventures at the opening of the Percolator's "Utopia/Apocalypse" exhibition. The events of that show continue tonight as the Percolator presents a lecture with this title: Modeling the Arrival of the Apocalypse: Quantifying Equestrian Alienation, the Swine Contradiction and their threats to our Existence. A presentation by Professor Blazon, Executive Director of the Research Institute for Apocalyptical Transitions (RIAT).

Professor Blazon is slated to "share the cutting edge developments in the emerging field of Imminent Doom Science (IDS)."

Richard: "Not rain nor sleet nor snow can keep me away from this!"

Winter break is about to begin on campus after one more day of finals, but a new work of 'public art' has been installed on the Chi Omega Fountain just in time for the last days of exams and will remain on display through February. KU Senior Matthew Farley's piece, "Frozen Assets," consists of around 1000 plastic water bottles arranged to mimic flowing water. “I wanted to approach the idea of a fountain and what that could mean and how it might be related to the way we consume water,” explains Farley (LJ-World.com).

Chip: "First off, Farley, a fountain is not an 'idea'. Second, I don't like the idea of 'art' tainting the sacredness of this fountain, which is known as a place where sorostitutes from the nearby houses frolic naked in the spring and occasionally fuck in, according to 'Sex on the Hill.' "

Richard: "One of my New Year's resolutions is to bang a sorostitute in that fountain in 2009."










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The LJ-World website is currently offering "Top Five" lists of Larryville's major stories of the year in various categories. Number one on the list of "City Hall" stories is, of course, the passing of the sales taxes to save the T. (also included: Wakarusa's move to Arkansas and the closing of the Last Call nightclub, home to numerous gun-battles).

Richard: "I don't think it's too early to go ahead and predict the number one story of 2009: the rise in domestic hedgehog ownership."

Chip: "I agree 100%, and I fear it's only a matter of time till those hedgehogs turn on their owners in a bloody massacre that rivals Quantrill's raid."

The LC Presents: A Very Hipster Christmas!

Our hipster readers have surely been saying to themselves: "All this holiday coverage is fine, for normal people, but are there any holiday events in Larryville for us, the hipsters, which will allow us to appreciate the season while still maintaining the necessary emotional distance and ironic detachment through which we view the world?"

Well, as a matter of fact, there are several such events.

First off, the Jackpot welcomes the return of the Free Form Film Festival, which will present a program called "Holy Yule: Santa in a Strange Land," featuring "Vintage and outsider Christmas programming from the backyards and cable access stations of America... selections from: Mrs. Velma’s “American Christmas,” “Santa Clause Conquers the Martians,” “Chip the Black Boy” “Lucas’s “Wookie Holiday Special" and many many more" (Lawrence.com).

Richard: "The Star Wars holiday special, in which Chewbacca travels home to celebrate Life Day with the Wookies, aired only once, in 1977. It's unfairly maligned and actually quite moving, as I believe you'll understand after you hear this special song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYQVyVyeWho

Chip: "The segment of this Jackpot presentation called 'Chip the Black Boy' is not about me. I'm a white man. Still, you should check out this actual clip of the program, which is called "The Junior Christian Bible Story Puppet Show" and features a black puppet named Chip who has some powerful things to teach you about religion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU5kEGdklws

On the same evening, The TapRoom welcomes its annual Christmas appearance by Slick Rhodes (below), who claims to be a Texas troubadour passing through on a coast to coast tour but is actually...the seasonal persona of local bearded hipster icon Art Dodge! Sure, if you're a hipster, you've seen Dodge perform a dozen times this year, but you haven't seen him do his Slick Rhodes since last December.

See you on the town!

The Boys Consider Time Magazine's Picks for Best Song and Best Book of the Year! / Plus, Richard's Hipster Pick of the Day!

The boys love year-end top ten lists, but of course no music list can be considered credible unless Kanye West, the "voice of his generation," is at the top of it. Luckily, Time's best song of the year is Kanye's "Love Lockdown," which they describe as follows: "Singing in a monotone, West sounds ghostly as he recounts his romantic failures in brutal detail. But then humanity, in the form of Japanese taiko drums, arrives to whip up a dance song about misery."

Chip: "When I'm dancing to a rap song, I do not want to think about my 'romantic failures' and 'misery.' I just want to zone out and grind on some bitches. Plus, we all know that the true song of the year is Beyonce's 'Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)'".

Richard: "Time goes on to describe the song as 'the most interesting musical experiment of the year,' but surely this is only because they haven't heard that cute little local hipster Farmer's Ball winning chick play the ukulele."

Does Time's best-song list include anything at all worthy of hipster-listening? As a matter of fact, it does. Checking in at number five (just below Li'l Wayne's "A Milli") is "White Winter Hymnal" by the Fleet Foxes, which they describe as a "chorale roundelay about a school trip to the woods" and "a miniature tale...as quaint and precious as a Joseph Cornell box".

Chip: "I hope I never hear this song."

Richard: "I often put it on mix-CD's."

And what is the best novel of the year? Time says it is Chilean novelist/poet Roberto Bolano's posthumously published, 900 page opus called 2666 ("Baffling, maddening, difficult, violent, obscene, overindulgent and way too long, 2666 is also the best novel of the year").

Richard: "I hope that one day this blog is described in exactly that fashion."
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A band calling themselves Pet Comfort and claiming to hail from "Newtopia, Missouri" hits the Record Bar in KC tonight, and their MySpace page describes their sound as "acousmatic."

Chip: "Newtopia, Missouri, is likely a play on Newtonia, Missouri, suggesting the idea of 'utopia.' But there is no utopia in Missouri, let me assure you. Now as for the term "acousmatic," I can only assume it's a combination of 'acoustic' and 'asthmatic,' suggesting nasal-voiced folkies like Bob Dylan."

Richard: "The actual definition of 'acousmatic' is much more dull, but go look it up if you must... and make sure to check out this band tonight. They sound very warm and fuzzy, perfect to warm the ice-cold heart of a hipster on a chilly winter evening."

The Boys Weekly Box Office Report! / Plus, Chip's Christmas Joke Gallery!

The Keanu Reeves remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic The Day the Earth Stood Still took the weekend's number one spot with 31 million. How do the boys feel about remakes?

Chip: "In favor. In fact, I think every film made before 1980 and anything in black and white should be remade, preferably in 3-D. Unlike literature, films are entertainment, not art, so let's enjoy updating them every few years by plugging in hot and fresh new actors, like Hanna Montana or that sexy vampire boy from Twilight."

Richard: "Generally against, but I have to admit a certain excitement at Soderberg's 3-D 'rock and roll musical' version of Cleopatra. Certainly more people will see that than his current four-hour Che Guevara film which only gets a one-week run in New York because all other theaters need their screens to squeeze in a few extra showings of Delgo, feauturing the voice talents of Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt."


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As the LC inches toward hiatus--'a long winter nap' beginning later this week--Chip has kindly offered to share a few of his favorite holiday jokes with readers.

Chip: "How did Santa Claus greet the three sorostitutes?" "Ho ho ho!"

The Boys Discuss Holiday Traditions!

The traditional holiday ballet, The Nutcracker, has been given a Midwestern makeover by the Larryville Arts Center. It takes place in the "Prairie Kingdom" and incorporates elements such as John Brown, border ruffians and Delaware Indians, set to a "prairie score" using mandolins and mandola (LJ-World).

Richard: "In Romance, we change Tchaikovsky's Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy to the 'Square Dance of the Local Bootleggers.' It's really pretty amazing."

Chip: "In this year's version in Forttt Scottt, we have a remarkably choreographed piece in which citizens line pennies in a row in an effort break the Guiness World record. I think you'll find it quite moving."

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In this packed Christmas season, is there room for a new holiday tradition? Let's hope so, because on Wednesday, in theaters nationwide, for one night only, viewers can witness a filmed version of conservative news personality Glenn Beck's reading of "The Christmas Sweater" (with musical accompaniment). It's the story of a young boy who hopes for a bicycle for the holidays but instead receives a homemade sweater, which he initially hates but which probably ends up teaching him something important.

Chip: "The story is said to have strong 'Christian undertones' and I believe the sweater symbolizes God."

Richard: "I've been performing a local one-man show myself this season, which is dialogue-free and simply consists of me slowly eating a pumpkin pie on stage. Lawerence.com has declared it 'a riveting statement about American consumption that especially resonates during these troubled economic times.' "

The Boys Dance Party of the Night!

The Faint is confusing for hipsters. The band is from Omaha, and those Saddle Creek bands are (or were) very hip. But yet the band's shows are well-known dance parties, and hipsters don't dance. Emotion and rhythm are uncool.

The Faint's show at Liberty Hall tonight is also doubling as a "coming-out" party for the new version of the Lawrence.com website, so a large contingent of hipsters is expected, if only to voice their continuing displeasure with the site.

Here's the scoop from that very website: "Synth-core hipsters The Faint may be the best reminder in recent years that the '80s never really died. The Omaha band's most recent full-length "Fasciinatiion" is full of the same robotic jerkiness and Orwellian techno that characterized past efforts like "Danse Macabre."

If you go and find yourself dancing with a new lady or gentleman, try this line: "This Orwellian techno is hot!"... at which point they might recognize you as a fellow reader of Lawrence.com and you can bond over the shittiness of the new site before going home and making out to Coner Oberst and Cursive.

Chip: "The band has misspelled 'fascination,' in their album title, adding two extra 'i's.' I believe that this is deliberate, and probably artsy."

This Week in Homeless News / Plus, The Return of Drake's Diner! / Also: Richard's Hipster Rock Show of the Day!

Domesticated hedgehogs weren't the only ones to receive good news from the City Commission this week: commissioners voted not to pass an ordinance prohibiting "verbal panhandling."

Chip: "Well, this is a disappointment, but I have an alternate solution which I intend to propose at the next meeting. I feel that we should all be issued whistles, sort of like 'rape whistles,' which we can blow if we are being verbally panhandled, at which point the police can swoop in and administer a quick beating. It's a method that's long proved effective in South Kansas, moreso than any legislation."

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A beloved institution from Larryville's past has resurfaced in town recently: Drake's Diner, located next door to India Palace. Yes, it's a greasy spoon serving breakfast all day and remaining open till 3:00 a.m on weekends.

Richard: "It's long been a fantasy of mine to get absolutely hammered and eat biscuits and gravy downtown after the bars close. Finally, a fantasy that I might actually fulfill (unlike those ones about the Quinton's girls and the caramel frosting). Why do I sound like Chip in this comment?"

Chip: "I plan to make Drake's my home away from home, kind of like the Fonz used Mel's Diner. And when I hit the jukebox to make it work, it will always play Death Cab for Cutie."

The return of Drake's has led the boys to hope that other beloved institutions might eventually resurface, such as: Joe's Bakery, Furr's Cafeteria, the Gaslight Tavern (Richard only), and The Moon Bar ("There's just no better place in town for a knife-fight, although the Jet Lag will work, in a pinch."--Chip).

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While Larryville's old folks enjoy a Holiday Hoedown at Liberty Hall tonight, the cool kids will gather at the Replay for a show so hip that it's getting virtually no promotion and no one is entirely sure if it's even happening: The Rinkles will be playing the songs of the Kinks and the Rutles!

Cl.thier: "The Rutles? That's cool, sort of, but I wish someone would play the songs of other fictional bands, such as Stillwater, from Cameron Crowe's Almost Famous. "Fever Dog", baby!

Richard: "Or the songs of Citizen Dick from Crowe's Singles. "Touch Me, I'm Dick!"

Today in Local News: Pack Your Reefer, Hippies, And Get Out of Kansas! / Plus, The Boys Discuss Stop Day Eve and Encounter a Barstool Philosopher!

After enduring years of anti-hippie discrimination in Larryville, the Wakarusa Festival is not only leaving town but is leaving the state altogether, bound for...Mulberry Mountain in Arkansas! The press release promises waterfalls and kayaking and general peacefullness untainted by "the Man."

Richard: "The South is not known for its kindness toward hippies and I fear this is a trap, that the hippies are being lured to the top of a mountain only to be picked off, one by one, Deliverance-style."

Chip: "Some citizens are now saying that we shouldn't let Wakarusa get away because it's a proven source of income for the community during an economic crisis. But I'd rather be poor than have a few extra hippies in town for three days of the year. Truly, this is the best news I've heard since the Gaslight Tavern closed down."

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Today is Stop Day Eve, the last official day of classes for the semester, and it's a night known for debauchery, as Chip explains: "See, the girls are so busy with their studies during the semester that they rarely get a chance to drink or have sex, so tonight they go out 'on the prowl.' It's nearly impossible not to get laid on this night, especially if you stand around the area near the Hawk, the Wheel, and the Bull, which some refer to as 'the pussy triangle.'"

Richard: "Here's a Stop Day story that's mostly true. One Stop Day Eve a group of us were walking along Ohio Street and spotted a drunk sorostitute lying on her back on the sidewalk in the rain, kicking around like an overturned turtle. We tried to help her up, but she was having none of it, although she did allow Dr. C. to use her cellphone and call someone to come get her. We're fairly sure she was rescued before she drowned."

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Readers often wonder, "Do the boys ever meet anyone interesting during their visits to the bars, or do they just sit in the corner discussing the 'great books?' " Well, mostly it's the latter, but occasionally they do find themselves engaged in conversation with bar patrons, such as last night at the Sandbar, when a kindly, drunken older gentleman of about 60 took a break from playing songs on the jukebox ("Love Shack") to share with the boys a rambling half-hour story full of homespun wisdom. Much of the tale was a bit confusing, but a few of the bullet points were:

* it's important to look at the stars as often as possible
* a man should accept and discard at least three ideologies over the course of his life
* the Obama cabinet is developing a 'secret syndicate' that will literally 'inject' peace and love into the citizenry

Perhaps the highlight of the conversation was when he turned to the boys and said (good-naturedly?), "You two are really just a couple of American assholes, aren't you?"

The boys allowed that this was true, at which point Richard inquired where the gentleman himself hailed from.

"South Bend, Indiana," he replied, before politely adjourning to the TapRoom next door ("I've heard they smoke a lot of dope over there," he said).

The evening gave the boys much to consider, but perhaps Chip summed up the moral best: "I suppose I've learned that this kind of thing can happen anywhere, not just at the Replay."

The Boys Are "Calling in Gay" Today! / Plus, Campus Art, Local Hedgehog News, and Richard's Hipster Pick of the Day!

People across the nation are "calling in gay" today (skipping work to show support for same-sex marriage). Here's the story from the AP:

"Some same-sex marriage supporters are urging people to "call in gay" Wednesday to show how much the country relies on gays and lesbians...Organizers of "Day Without a Gay" — scheduled to coincide with International Human Rights Day and modeled after similar work stoppages by Latino immigrants — also are encouraging people to perform volunteer work and refrain from spending money."

Chip: "I'm unclear as to whether I actually have to sleep with a man if I take off work?"

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One doesn't always have to visit downtown galleries to get a taste of local art. Today, KU Senior Shannon Sullivan dumped 15 bags of painted leaves on campus as her final project in a "public art" class, explaining: "People might not think of it as art, but I want to shock and intrigue people" (UDK).

Chip: "I'm pretty sure most people have seen colorful leaves before. It's called autumn. I'd give her a D."

Richard: "Her work forces us to question seasonal expectations and, by extension, the nature of time itself. I'd say A- (because a few of the leaves blew away before they could be properly graded).

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Last week's City Commission meeting centered, once again, around urban chicken ownership legislation...as well as a new, vitally important issue of "domesticated hedgehog" ownership. But what exactly goes on at such a meeting? Luckily, the UDK provides an account of part of the proceedings:

"Judson King, 11, presented his case in defense of domesticated hedgehogs. He presented each of the commission members with a bound 10-page booklet of information on the animal, and included photos of himself with his own pet hedgehogs."

Richard: "This kid sounds exceedingly professional and I hope he runs for Mayor next year."

Chip: "A hedgehog may indeed appear to be domesticated, but in reality it is lying in wait to bite you in the face. I hope the commission was wise enough to rule against allowing these beasts within city limits."

Sorry, Chip: "After an hour of debate, city commission members voted to direct city staff to redraft and clarify the city ordinances in favor of letting people keep chickens and hedgehogs within the city..." (UDK).

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Local hipsters may remember one of the first major SSION sightings in Lawrence a few years back, when they opened for the Yeah Yeahs Yeahs on Karen O's first visit to the Granada.

Richard: "I was at that show and saw SSION and didn't understand a single thing they were doing. But it was noisy and colorful and it felt important. And the first rule of hipsterism is "If you don't understand something, it must be important." I expect a major turnout for their headlining show tonight."

Lawrence.com describes the SSION experience as follows: "Toss pop, punk, disco and a whole lot of Astroglide into a Cuisinart, repeatedly press "Pulse," then dump on top of a mustache orgy -- now you've got the recipe for Ssion. The infectious music from this Kansas City art-school crew (pronounced "shun") comes complete with a multimedia carnival of the queer, combining conceptual punk with cartoonish costumes and videos in a stage show that would've left Fellini slack-jawed. The group is building up a head of steam on the heels of a tour with CSS and high praise from Pitchfork Media, but that's all gravy when the main course is having fun."

Richard: "The second rule of hipsterism is, 'If Pitchfork loves it, you must love it too.' "

Chip: " 'Mustache orgy?' 'Carnival of the queer?' 'Gravy?' I think I speak for the non-hipster crowd here when I say: What the fuck?"

This Week in Odd Local News: A 'Transient' on the Roof of the Ranch! / Plus, the Boys Discuss the "Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging"

At the LC, we pride ourselves on our in-depth coverage of important local issues such as the effort to save the "T" and the on-going controversy over legislation regarding the homeless (a vote is slated today over whether to prohibit 'verbal panhandling'). But we also enjoy more unusual tales, such as the following 'breaking news' story that appeared yesterday in the LJ-World on-line (and thanks to Lawrence.com for posting a photo and a caption contest...you should check that out too!):

"Lawrence Douglas County Fire and Medical and officers from the Lawrence Police Department are investigating a man who is standing on the roof of the Cadillac Ranch.
Officers approached the building but have since moved back to positions away from the building. A fire truck, an ambulance and police cars are on the scene, but in a place where the person can't see them. (Chipnote: "This seems unlikely. The guy is on a fucking roof.")
"We're hoping he gets bored, and he'll just come down on his own," said Lawrence Police Sgt. Michael Monroe.
The man is described as wearing a white T-shirt and camouflage shorts.
More information as it develops."

After quietly observing the man for close to three hours (while passersby reportedly tossed cigarettes and a lighter up to him), officers were able to "coax" him down and determine he was a 'transient' just arrived from Denver on the Greyhound. What he was doing on the roof remains unclear.

Richard: "I love this story so much, almost as much as the guy who got his pants set on fire at the Replay. In fact, I've been thinking about 'occupying' a local roof myself, but as some sort of protest, as opposed to just random loony transient behavior. Perhaps I'll take to the Replay roof wearing my Ad Astra Per Aspera shirt and refuse to come down until they lower the prices of rock shows back to two dollars. Many shows are now three, and that extra buck buys 3/4 of a PBR. And in these rough economic times, every sip of PBR is precious."

Chip: "I'm thinking of 'occupying' the roof of Quinton's while wearing elastic pants. Not as any sort of protest, but just in an attempt to impress the waitresses."

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One of the popular books of the season is the Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging, a tome (actually written by Ariana's army of unpaid blog-slaves) that will certainly inspire a new wave of bloggers. Here's some advice from the blog queen herself:

"Huffington: Anything that keeps people reading is a good thing! And blogging has certainly led to a renaissance of sorts for the written word. We live in a culture dominated by visual imagery and communication, so having so much vital writing on the web has helped re-habituate the younger generation to reading ... and hopefully blogs will be a gateway drug that leads them on to the harder stuff of books."

Richard: "My goal at the LC is not so much to lead the young back to the power of the written word so much as to make a bunch of sex jokes I don't usually get to make in 'real life.'"

Chip: "I'd totally bang Ariana Huffington."

Huffington also praises blogging as a means of giving 'voice' to people who have heretofore had no access to mainstream media: "One of the original reasons for starting HuffPost was my feeling that some of the most interesting voices in our culture weren't online--and I wanted to make it easier for them to make the transition."

Chip: "Well, she's right about this. As a South Kansas conservative in liberal Larryville, my views were previously 'tolerated' at best and more often dismissed out of hand. But with the LC, I find myself being seriously discussed in hipster circles, although most of their analysis misses the point that I really do mean every word I say here."

The Boys Christmas Gift Guide Continues: Ugly Dolls and Blu-Rays! / Plus, The Weekly Box-Office Report!

"Ugly Dolls," a series of odd-looking designer plush dolls, are one of the hot items this year (for both girls and boys). Created by a pair of "love-struck artists," the toys view the idea of "ugly" as meaning "special and unique." One is called Wage, "the homely supermarket checkout girl." (www.allbusiness.com).

Chip: "I thought dolls were intended solely as a means of giving young girls a sense of the 'ideal' woman, meaning thin and hot and blonde. I shudder to think what my Quinton's waitresses may look like in a decade if they grow up playing with these things."

Richard: "All considerations of attractiveness aside, it's important during these troubled economic times that we teach children that they will probably not grow up to be successful."

Also hot this year is the "Blu-ray player." Just when you thought DVD's were here to stay, along comes Blu-Ray, and if you want to see The Godfather in the best possible condition (until the next product comes along) you better pony up the cash this Christmas! Here's a bit of their advertising commentary: "The name is a combination of 'blue' (blue-violet laser) and 'ray' (optical ray)."

Richard: "In terms of the quantity of available discs right now, owning a Blu-ray is little better than owning a Betamax. But there's no denying that blue lasers are cool as fuck and I will pay any amount to own this."

Chip: "I still own a Betamax and four working tapes, including E.T, and it suits me perfectly fine."

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The holiday comedy Four Christmases, critically considered mediocre at best, held its own in first place for the second weekend in a row, grossing $18 million.

Richard: "Critics like to claim that an audiences' embracing of such hackneyed material signals the death of 'real' cinema, but the truth is that most people who see this film actually know that it sucks. Still, such films provide an important service for families who can then relate the exaggerated comic antics on-screen to their own less interesting lives, bringing them closer together and ultimately enhancing the very fabric of American life."

Chip: "I enjoyed the parts where Vince Vaughn got hit in the balls."

The LC Presents: A Personal Journey into the Heart of Larryville Art! / Plus, The Recession Hits Downtown Larryville, Vol. III

So last night Richard found himself at the packed opening of the Percolator's "Apocalypse/Utopia" exhibition, intently studying a piece constructed by the Vice President of East Lawrence that involved a small plastic cow which appeared to be excreting a beautiful field of brightly colored objects (the title: "In the future all our shit will be beautiful"). In a state of art-induced bliss, he turned around and found himself face to face with someone wearing a mask that appeared to be a combination of the V for Vendetta and Scream masks. Richard stifled a scream of his own, but the figure gave him a thumbs-up and went about its way (later he was told that the masked figure was almost certainly the Vice President herself). As soon as he was able to relax again, the peace was shattered by a booming voice ordering the crowd to "Please exit the building. The apocalypse is approaching." Not wanting to spend his last minutes on earth in the Percolater, Richard complied. Outside, a crowd gathered and was given notes leading them to another space (presumably a bomb shelter?). At this point, Richard's main concern was whether or not he could carry his beer along. Luckily, he was assured by his friend Dave that open-container laws were probably fairly lax during an acopalypse, and four blocks later the crowd found themselves in another artspace and ushered into chairs, at which point a young man told the crowd that we'd be witnessing a forty-minute staged reading of his play "The Rattler," which consisted mostly of him intoning "First I was abused, then I became the abuser," while a woman playing a dominatrix stood nearby cracking a small whip and a narrator explained the stage directions: "During his last sentence, she whips him." As it turned out, this was not the apocalypse, but in its own way it was much, much worse.

At any rate, this is the state of local art, and Richard remains a bit uncertain why everyone was ordered to leave the actual opening itself after only one hour of its three hour run time. If he were an artist, though, he'd probably understand.

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The "economic crisis" recently morphed into an official "recession" (Chip: "I won't start to worry until they call it a 'depression'"), and another victim is falling in Larryville next week: Freeman's Used Furniture, 1145 Pennsylvania, a 40 year, family-owned local business.

Chip: "Used furniture stores attract a lot of hippies, but at least it keeps them from 'dumpster diving' in my alley, which is what they call their habit of rooting through filth. So I actually kind of hate to see this place go. Even so, it would be great if we could get a nice IKEA location here in town."

Richard: "I hate to hear this. Now we'll be forced to be shop at that used joint on Iowa where the owner forces his employees to stand by the highway wearing ridiculous costumes."

Richard Discovers the Best Holiday Party in Larryville! / Plus, The Boys Discuss the"Bad Sex in Fiction" Award! (Rated R for Strong Sexual Content!)

Readers, you've probably been saying to yourselves: all this art and pop culture analysis is well and fine, but whatever happened to a good old-fashioned personal "chronicling" of Larryville's nightlife? Well, here's a quick one.

Despite the fact that Richard has lived in Larryville for a damn decade, he only discovered Free State Glass's huge word-of-mouth holiday party last night (a party which, we should mention, has been going on for 24 years). The party attracts everyone from Larryville's "old guard" (many in formal wear) to beautiful underage party girls, and begins with a glass-blowing competition taking place in a ring surrounded by drunken onlookers (Richard originally suspected the ring was for bare-knuckle boxing or a cockfight, and was only mildly disappointed by its actual purpose). Featuring two bars of free booze, catered meats, a large stage, live bands, a dance floor, and a special "weed room," the party truly holds something for everyone and Richard's ignorance on the subject seems to call his hipster status into question once again, although he prefers to believe that it's a party so cool that it only reveals itself to someone who is truly ready to appreciate it.

Overheard:

"Two years ago, I saw boobies at this party."

"This used to be an old church."

"See that dude? That's famous local crop artist Stan Herd!"

"This place used to be an old theater."

"Last year we watched two couples fuck in that old balcony."

"I'll sell you this autographed beer coozy for three dollars."

"This place used to be an old German publichouse, or haus."


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Each year, the UK's Guardian bestows an award called "bad sex in fiction," "honoring" a sex scene from a "literary" novel. This year's winner is Rachel Johnson's Shire Hell, the story of two London social-climbers leaving the city for a rural home. Here's an excerpt:

"Almost screaming after five agonizingly pleasurable minutes, I make a grab, to put him, now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside, but he holds both my arms down, and puts his tongue to my core, like a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop."

Chip: "The main problem here is that long phrase Johnson uses between 'put him' and 'inside.' Talk about literary coitus interruptus! Just get him inside, for God's sake!"

Richard: "The word 'angrily' also seems a bit odd in that phrase. 'Happily' seems better suited. Or maybe 'anxiously.' "

Chip: "And of course the whole 'cat lapping cream' simile is so overused in literary cunnilingus scenes. How about something more creative? 'Like a giraffe nibbling eucalyptus', perhaps?"

The Boys Discuss Li'l Wayne / Plus, Disturbing Local Art!

Li'l Wayne received eight Grammy nominations this week, including one for best rap performance for his song "A Milli" (Chipnote: "A milli is a millionaire."). What do the boys make of his work? Let's look at a few lines from "A Milli":

"You all knew that
True that swallow
And I be the shit now you got loose bowels
I don't owe you like two vowels
But I would like for you to pay me by the hour"

Richard: "This is a devastating commentary on the idea of 'art as product.' In these verses, we literally consume Li'l Wayne, which gives us 'loose bowels,' because we can't handle his powerful words. And then we see Wayne compare himself to a hooker: we expect him to 'perform' for us, he allows himself to be exploited, and we owe him compensation."

Chip: "The 'two vowels' refers of course to Wheel of Fortune, circling back to the idea of Wayne's millionaire status. This is a carefully constructed work, but all in all I still prefer Li'l Bow Wow."

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The Percolator is not the only gallery in town hosting a major reception tomorrow night. Downtown's 6 Gallery brings us "Bestiary," presenting work such as this:














Chip: "Powerful? Yes. Troubling? Absolutely. Art? No way. Judging from this image, I believe these artists should be questioned in the recent string of local cat killings."

Richard: "This may in fact be just the kind of disturbing art I've been calling for among local artists, but the true test will be whether or not I have a nightmare involving a bear-headed hipster being lasered by a cartoon dog while a decapitated tiger roars silently at his feet."

This Week in State News: Manhattan, KS-- Keeping America Safe! / Plus, More Art and a Bit of Porn!

Stateleaders are celebrating the major news that Manhattan, Kansas, has been (most likely) chosen to play home to a new $450 million biodefense facility, providing new jobs and a general sense of well-being to Kansans.

Chip: "If we're relying on Manhattan, Kansas to keep us safe we're in a sorry state of affairs indeed."

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The artists responsible for a nationwide art project called "Before I Die" are in Larryville today collecting contributions. The project asks people to submit a Polaroid photograph of themselves with a caption below that completes the phrase "Before I Die." (www.beforeidieiwantto.org). Note the example below.

Chip and Richard are expected to submit the same sentence: "Before I die I want to bang a Quinton's waitress."




















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Just because Sarah Palin did not make it to the White House does not mean that the boys aren't keeping up with the status of the Nailin' Paylin' porn film. Reviews have now arrived via the interweb and here's part of one:

"The composition of the camera angles worked well for most of the ladies, their bodies enhanced in most cases but still looking quite healthy. The editing was on the choppy side, sometimes leaving a position too soon...The bitrate varied a lot, staying in the mid 5.1 Mbps range a lot, resulting in no noticed aliasing or compression artifacts."

Chip: "Porn works best when the bitrate stays in the 5.1 range."

The review goes on to note that "the levels of replay value and strokability were higher than average."

Richard: "I'm glad to hear that the film doesn't just play like a novelty item but is in fact something that people might still enjoy beating off to in the years to come."

Is It Apocalypse or Is It Utopia? (This Week in Local Art) / Also, The Boys' Holiday Gift Guide, Vol. II / Plus, LC's Pick of the Day!

The Lawrence Percolator, a new gallery nestled in the alley behind the Arts Center, has been variously described as "the scariest place in town to see art" (Chip) and "an already indispensable addition to the cultural landscape" (Richard). The gallery's current show is titled "Signs of a New Apocalypse or Glimmers of a DIY Utopia" (the piece on the flier, by artist Dave Loewenstein, is titled "wind, exotica, refinery, leash."

Chip: "I feel like this piece has something important to say, but so far all I know is that the banana symbolizes a penis."

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Like all real men, the boys enjoying hunting and eating animals, and a new product soon to hit the market aims to make those things easier. It's called "Season Shot," and it's an ammunition that injects a bird with your choice of delicious seasoning upon impact. It's catchphrase: "shoots, kills, seasons."

Here's the description from the website: "Season Shot is made of tightly packed seasoning bound by a fully biodegradable food product. The seasoning is actually injected into the bird on impact seasoning the meat from the inside out. When the bird is cooked the seasoning pellets melt into the meat spreading the flavor to the entire bird. Forget worrying about shot breaking your teeth and start wondering about which flavor shot to use!" (www.seasonshot.com).

Richard: "This is great, but I soon hope for a product that will actually fully cook an animal upon impact, so I can shoot a deer and eat it right there in the forest like a caveman!"

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The nationally televised prime-time Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is becoming a holiday tradition for America, a time for families to gather around and watch hot women in their underwear. It's on CBS tonight at 9:00 and here's a shot of one of tonight's ensembles.



Richard: "This look seeks to shatter the myth that a business woman can't also be warm and playful. My favorite part is the panties."

Chip: "What do her panties mean?"

The Boys Consider Britney Spears' New Album, The Year's Top Yahoo Searches, and Entertainment Weekly's List of "Sexiest Movies Ever Made"!

Two major albums "drop" today. First and most important is Kanye (the "voice of his generation") West's new album, 808's and Heartbreak (Chipnote: 808 is a reference to the Roland TR-808 Rhythm Composer). But let us not forget that Britney Spears makes her triumphant return today with a new album called Circus.

Chip: "There's a track here called "If You Seek Amy." Sound it out and it sounds like "F.U.C.K Me." The result is that Britney is going to have young girls all across the country singing 'fuck me,'and I believe she should be arrested for such subversiveness. She's a mother of two, for goodness sake!"

Richard: "The song is basically Britney's acknowledgement that her popularity, on some level, is based entirely on the fact that everyone wants to sleep with her. Notice also the repeated simile in the title track "Circus": "I'm like a performer." She's not a performer; she's like a performer. Britney is admitting her own insignificance here, but in so doing she's offering a trenchant commentary on contemporary celebrity. This album will ultimately make her more important than Madonna."

Chuck Klosterman: "Britney smells excellent. She smells like fruit (kiwi in particular)." (interview, "Southern Fried Sex Kitten.").

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Yahoo has released the results for the top ten most popular internet searches of the year and guess who tops the list? Britney Spears. The list also includes "World Wrestling Federation," Barack Obama, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, Lindsey Lohan, and an on-line game called "Runescape."

Chip: "Largely, this list confirms my belief that the internet is the lair of horny geeks who spend their days searching for nude celebrity pictures and playing fantasy games about elves and dragons. My guess is that most of the searches for Britney were attempts to find that famous panties-less paparrazi photo and also included the word "pussy."

Richard: "My guess is that most of the people who searched for the World Wrestling Federation were also running the searches for Obama in an attempt to prove he was a Muslim. However, I'm a little surprised that wrestling fans know how to use the internet."

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A new list in Entertainment Weekly picks the George Clooney/Jennifer Lopez thriller Out of Sight as the sexiest movie ever made: "Soderbergh flashes forward from their flirtatious conversation to scenes of the lovemaking that results as soon as they leave the bar: The talk and the act exist simultaneously, voluptuously" (EW).

Chip: "The film has no significant nudity, which immediately disqualifies it, in my opinion. Also, a truly sexy film is not going to artsily cut back and forth between talking and sex. A truly sexy film just shows us the business."

Richard: "The sexiest film ever made is Nailin' Paylin."

The Boys Discuss "Australia" in their Weekly Box-Office Report / Plus, the LC Christmas Gift Guide, Vol. I / Also, the UDK's "Top of the Hill" Awards

People's "Sexiest Man of the Year," Hugh Jackman, couldn't quite deliver a number one opening for the epic Australia this weekend, but it had a respectable fifth-place showing for such a long film.

Richard: "During a packed screening I attended on Saturday, a woman in the audience let out a loud wolf-whistle during one of the shirtless Jackman scenes, which got a big laugh from many audience members."

Chip: "When women are sexist it's considered cute and funny, but if I were to whistle at Nicole Kidman during that film I'd be looked at askance and considered a pervert. Why is this? I believe it has something to do with feminism. But the result is that I prefer to watch films at home, in my underwear, and whistle all I want at the pretty girls in them."

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It's December 1, readers, which means it's almost Christmas, and the LC's goal this season is to consider various new products that might prove just right for someone on your list. First off is a new tobacco product: Camel Snus.

The boys, like many rural grad students, grew up dipping skoal and chewing tobacco ("We called it 'chaw.' "--Chip), but they were met with disapproving looks when they brought spitoons into their graduate seminars. This product seems perfect for them. The AP says:

"Snus – Swedish for tobacco, rhymes with "noose" – is a tiny, tea bag-like pouch of steam-pasteurized, smokeless tobacco to tuck between the cheek and gum. Aromatic to the user and undetectable to anyone else, it promises a hit of nicotine without the messy spitting associated with chewing tobacco. Just swallow the juice."

Chip: "I use snus when I'm teaching, but I still dip snuff back home, because it's tougher."








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Today's University Daily Kansan weighs in on the year's best with it's "Top of the Hill" awards. And receiving the award for "Best Overall Bar" and "Best Bar Customer Service" is...Quinton's.

Chip: "It just feels really great to have your own personal feelings validated by the masses. I'd like to say thanks to God, for allowing it to be built and thrive; and thanks to myself, for going there a lot; and most of all thanks to the waitresses, for making this all possible and being so hot, day in and day out."

Richard: "The Replay was voted third in the 'Best Overall Bar' category but I wish it wasn't there at all, because I don't want ungraduates knowing about it."