Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Meet Your New Favorite Band: An Interview with The Leotards

Surely one of this year's most important scenester events will occur this Sunday at the Replay's matinee show when The Leotards take the stage. Consisting of King Tosser on guitar, Stephanie Stix on vocals and simulated sex-sounds, and the invaluable Cher Alike (a drum machine), The Leotards have thus far been more myth than reality in Larryville, appearing only fleetingly at such gigs as a Rooftop Vigilantes house party (we weren't hip enough to be invited) and a bizarre, "family-friendly" concert at the Percolator (where the 'tards blazed through a debased set that scarred young minds permanently and almost got the band arrested for public indecency).

Sunday's matinee starts at 6:00 and also includes a performance by the Vigilantes' Zach Campbell. The Leotards headline the evening, but get there early, because their sets are fast, furious, and filthy. It's true that this event is occurring simultaneously with the Lawrence Chamber Orchestra's Baroque by Candlelight event, but we suspect the demographics may not overlap much (and we assure you that Bach ain't got shit on the Leotards!).

Please check out four Leotards songs on Soundcloud over here . The tracks begin with the surprisingly restrained "Atmosphere," but put the kids to bed starting on the next track and listen quietly if you're at work, because you WILL get fired for playing such obscenities in the workplace.

We were pleased to chat with King Tosser and Stix this week about rock and roll, boners, and the trenchant social critique that lies behind such soon-to-be-anthems as "Sugar Dick" and "Cock Jokes."

Richard: Tell us the origin story of The Leotards, which we understand is a sordid tale involving drum machines, floods, and probably a fair amount of drugs.

SS: The Leotards started one drunken late night with King Tosser on the acoustic and Stix on the tamb and mic. Our first original song was reminiscent of early Indigo Girls. The rest is pretty much a blur. We lost our first drummer, Cher, in the's too depressing to relive.

KT: In the beginning there was The Leotards...and on the second day they did convert the infidels to their sweet post-punk meets neo-disco stylings. Alas, then came the terrible Kansas City flood of 2000-something-or-other when--as befits such myths--only 2 Leotards were allowed on the ark. Cher (our original robotic drummer), sadly, perished, soon to be replaced by Cher Alike, a far superior model and a credit to the cyborg community. The rest, as they say, is history (or religion).

Now, I can understand how you might presume that our ecstatic performances are the result of the ingestion of copious amounts of drugs, but I can reliably state on the authority of our personal crack dealer that The Leotards are driven by nothing more than divine inspiration and Jim Jones-like self-delusion. However, Stix is correct that our early performances were so bloody awful that they did garner comparisons to the Indigo Girls.

Richard: You’re a music critic yourself, King Tosser, so this should be an easy one for you: Describe The Leotards’ sound using a “we sound like ________ meets ___________” comparison.

SS: NWA meets The Stooges meets Dire Straits meets Diana Ross.

KT: Here goes..."We sound like" Joy Division meets Pansy Division meets Mad meets Chester meets 2 Live Crew meets Too Short meets Leo meets Tards meets postpunk meets neoprepunk meets the hip to the hop to the hippity hop. (Best understood when read really fast to a catchy nursery rhyme jingle).

Chip: Stephanie Stix makes a lot of “sex noises” in your songs, which gives me a boner. Is this the reaction you’re hoping for from the audience? It will probably cut down on the dancing, since I find it hard to dance with an erection.

SS: If we can get anyone to come hear us play, I don't really care if they're standing in an erection coma or dancing.

KT: Sex noises? Do you mean her in-song impersonations of a cat being strangled? Depends on the type of sex you're referring to, I suppose. My on-stage boner is purely functional as I can't afford a slide for my guitar, but you've given me an idea for a possible new dance craze.

Richard: I once saw The Leotards perform a decidedly “un-family-friendly” show at a “family-friendly” Percolator performance. Will you go the opposite route at the Replay, perhaps offering up a set of old jazz standards or something? What can we expect from this gig?

SS: A little MJ dancing, rapping and possibly a 6 foot long dildo squirting the audience in their faces and definitely a mic up Tosser's ass.

KT: I like to see us more as "Manson Family-friendly" rather than "un-family-friendly", and as for the jazz standards idea: do you know any that require no more than 2 major chords? And Stix, I'm certainly looking forward to a Mike up my ass; oh, did you say "mic"?

Chip: I find myself drawn to the song in which you repeatedly pose such questions as “Is that your dick in my mouth?” I can’t help but feel the song is intended as a larger commentary on the American condition. Can you offer some insight?

SS: The Leotards are social activists, first, and music gods, second. I once stuck an Oxy up Rush Limbaugh's ass while his limp dick was scratching a chronic itch I had in my throat."

KT: You are correct, Sir, the song is one of many addressing social concerns via pointed metaphors. You might consider our dietary awareness songs that were inspired from hours of watching Dr. Oz ("Sugar Dick", "Fat is Wack"); our attempts at helping the First Lady in getting kids to exercise ("On My Knees", "I'm a Playa"); or our protests against fowl (sic(k)) local art projects ("Cock Jokes"). As Stix correctly comments: America first, blow jobs second.

Richard: From what I know of the Leotards, you are big fans of brevity. Will this Replay set clock in at about the same length as a Rooftop Vigilantes’ album?

SS: 15 minutes for the set and 30 seconds to take care of all the erections.

KT: 30 seconds for the set and 15 minutes to take care of all the erections.

Chip: I love your song about wanting to fuck Kate Winslet, which I believe is something many of us can relate to. How did that song come about?

SS: Chip, you should really get your facts straight, you fuck! The song Kate Winslet is actually a true story in which I was walking down a hallway at a local high school, selling LSD to minors, when Kate Winslet approached me and said SHE wanted to fuck me. I, of course, obliged.

KT: Sounds believable.

Richard: How would you describe your vocal styles? Who are your influences?

SS: My influences include Whitney Houston, Too $hort and PJ Harvey.

KT: Mine are Tiny Tim, the blond bird from Abba, and Morrissey in castrato mode (Isn't he always?).

Chip: If I were King Tosser, I’d probably have a boner during every set, since so many of the songs are powerfully erotic. Stix, does he often have a boner during practice?

SS: If Uncle E could time his Viagra right, he could probably have an erection that lasted through the first two songs in our set.

KT: An unnecessary and unfair cheap shot! Those are 2 of our longest songs!

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