Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Statewide Smoking Ban / The Boys Consider Twilight: Eclipse / Hipster Pick of the Day

Barring any last minute reprieves, a statewide smoking ban goes into effect tomorrow for all bars, restaurants, and even many private clubs (due to some tricky shenanigans within the bill). Larryville, of course, has had a citywide smoking ban for years, and it hasn't affected the boys much. However, they do enjoy occasional trips to titty bars outside the city limits for a lapdance and a smoke (Chip: "A cigarette never tastes better than it does right after a lapdance."). So they oppose the ban, as do the owners of small-town bars across the state, who fear they cannot survive the ban, since most of their income comes from old men who like to smoke, such as this guy at the Perry Pub:

"Everybody knows when you go to a bar," said Steven Ernst from his stool at the end rail, "you're going to drink, you're going to smoke and you're going to get stupid. It is just nature." (LJ-World).

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In the world of pop-culture, there's only one story that matters today: the opening of the third Twilight film, Eclipse, which is being hailed by critics nationwide as... almost tolerable.

Let's check in with the geeks over at Ain't It Cool News, who are understandably pissed that one of our greatest monsters has been reduced to a toothless (get it? it's a fang joke) masturbation fantasy for teenage girls and lonely older women in boring marriages.

Let's quote Capone's review at length (since it makes us laugh):

"...the love triangle between Bella (Stewart), Edward (Pattinson), and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is one of the most drop-dead, snore-inducing romances ever committed to film. But the death stroke of all three films is that I can't get passed the fact that Bella is the biggest, most manipulative bitch imaginable as she seemingly goes out of her way to string two guys along over the course of three films (with the two-part BREAKING DAWN still to go--yay) by playing the horny virgin with a guy she knows wants to wait to have sex with her until they're married. While the guy who would tap that ass in a second, him she says she loves but not in "that way." But she still makes out with him, and I'm pretty sure I saw her twisting his often-exposed nipples at least once. So in conclusion, I hate Bella."

Our feminist readers: "These films are not meant for the male gaze! It's obvious that Bella finds a much-needed sexual power through her 'manipulation' (taming) of these male 'beasts,' teaching young women the valuable lesson that they should fuck only when THEY are ready and never at the whim of some horny wolf-boy."

Richard: "Agreed. And I would totally let Kristen Stewart twist my oft-exposed nipples."

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Rooftop Vigilantes are well-known for their drunken hijinks onstage and the brevity of their songs and sets, and they should prove an ideal opening act tonight at the Jackpot for the equally concise Prizzy Prizzy Please, whose self-titled debut album clocked in at 9 songs in 27 minutes.

Here's an interweb review of Prizzy Prizzy Please:

"...the album closes with the monumental "Dyno Police."The song marks a new direction for the band. More than any song on the album, "Dyno Police" showcases lead singer/saxophonist Mark Pallman's saxophone and vocal skills...("you scary dinosaurs! / we'll call the dyno police!")...".

The band's Myspace page brags of their inclusion in the AV-Club's "Cutesy Bullshit" section of a recent "Year In Band Names" round-up (our personal favorite from the "cutesy bullshit" list is Eskimo Kisses for Mommy, which sadly seems to have broken up since that list).

Go here to rock with Prizzy Prizzy Please: http://www.myspace.com/prizzyprizzyplease

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Boys Consider the Jones Pool in the KC Power and Light District! / The LC Summer Book Club is Back: Sam Lipsyte's "The Ask"

The boys are neither beautiful nor rich enough to spend any quality time at KC's swanky Power and Light District, but they are certainly intrigued by the Jones Pool, a rooftop hotspot becoming well-known for its boozy daytime parties.

While we continue to work on our swimsuit physiques, the InkKC website offers a nice slideshow of an afternoon at the Jones to content us in the meantime. Here are a couple of shots:




















Chip: "The dude in the first photo has a really prominent boner."

Richard: "The Miller Lite on display in the second photo tips us off immediately that this is a totally different cultural scene than Larryville. There's not a PBR in sight."

In other P&L news, the area's controversial dress codes (which led to numerous charges of racism) have supposedly now been "relaxed" somewhat. (Chip: "I wonder what tactics they are using these days to keep out the blacks?").


---

Now that we've finished Justin Cronin's 766 page post-apocalyptic vampire epic The Passage (verdict: awesome!), we have turned to the virtuoso comic wordsmith Sam Lipsyte's new novel The Ask for a much-needed dose of literary vulgarity. Here we offer two passages we wish WE'D written:

"My mother was a second-wave feminist. I wasn't comfortable saying 'cunt' until I was twenty-three, at which point, admittedly, I couldn't hold back for a time."

and

"There was no God and being was just a molecular accident, but I still hoped my crawl through the illusory tunnel of retina-annihilating light would end with my face buried in some post-life fascimile of Maura's ass."


Dr. X: "I like this guy."

Monday, June 28, 2010

The LC Evaluates Its First Week on Twitter / Musical Saw Player of the Week

Whenever the boys embrace a new form of social media, it's usually because they (a) believe it might help them get laid or (b) believe it might garner them a book or television deal. And so it was that they began tweeting.

In their first week, the LC has accumalated 14 "followers" (or, as we prefer to think of them, "disciples"), ranging from the comedienne Paula Poundstone (seriously!) to a random Japanese girl (Konnichiwa, Marie!) to members of local art collective Asteroid Head to former-local DJ Gloria Vanderbilt. The latter two have even been kind enough to drop by the official Chronicles site to offer praise and criticism:

@BARRR of Asteroid Head tweets: "I kind of love the geeked out Larryville Chronicles blog....It's so geeky and bad...but kind of amazing. I have no idea who these dudes are"

Richard: "The 'bad' part stings a little. Otherwise, thanks @BARRR for the numerous shout-outs! See you at Wonder Fair."

Gloria Vanderbilt tweets to @BARRR: "I just wish they [the LC writers] were a bit funnier:( I did enjoy their analysis of my old Style Scout Columns though"

and also, tweeting to the LC:

"I'll keep reading your blog to keep up with Lawrence townie gossip, since I don't live there anymore."

Chip: "I take full responsibility for every boner joke, funny or no. Thanks for reading!"

So, the Twitter verdict so far: still unlaid, still no book or TV deal, but optimistic. As our second week of tweeting begins, we hope to attract the attention of some of our comedy idols (Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn) and discover the true identity of lovely local stripper Miss "Anna Undercover!"

---

The boys have witnessed Erica Jol.ne playing the saw with two different bands lately: Tyler Gregory and the Bootleg Bandits and Tinhorn Molly (where she seems to be a permanent member). Having long expressed the belief that EVERY band should possess a saw player, the LC salutes her and hopes to see more of her at the Replay this summer (too bad a Rooftop Vigilante was running sound for you last night: awesome as they may well be, we don't think the Vigilantes fully understand instruments that don't go "up to 11").

Below is a picture from Tinhorn Molly's Myspace. Please visit them there and at the Bottleneck on July 1:

http://www.myspace.com/leebabymusic

















Richard: "This endorsement is irony-free. I really do love the saw!"

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Recent Concert Reviews / The LC's Pop Culture Corner

Indie-rock fans are notoriously un-funky, but occasionally they like to embrace a neo-funk or neo-soul band such as Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings (Richard: "I totally saw them open for Spoon!") or, more recently, Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears, who played a raucous set inside a sweltering Bottleneck last night (Richard: "Bottleneck, I fully understand that the best rock shows are often hot and sweaty affairs, but it's only a matter of time before someone actually suffocates in your fucking bar!").

Hipsters are especially drawn to frontman Black Joe because he's actually black (rare enough in indie circles) and because his moniker draws attention to his ethnicity in a way they assume to be ironic. Also, his shows give them a chance to throw around terms such as "Stax records" in an attempt to impress ladies who, in truth, don't give a fuck about their record collection but really just want to dance to Lewis' tunes like "Get Yo Shit" and "Sugarfoot," which Richard deems the set's highlight and one of his personal favorite rock moments of the year so far.

Verdict: three-and-a-half out of four PBR's (because apparently the Bottleneck is now a PBR bar as well, even though it's so hot in there you'll abandon beer for water at some point in the evening).

---

Entourage returns to HBO tonight for its seventh season (Richard: "Seven seasons for Turtle? And only three for Deadwood? What is wrong here?"). And although the show is wearing thin, the boys continue to watch because the Hollywood sexcapades of Vince and his "posse" remind them very much of their own lives in Larryville. This season is getting a little extra press due to the presence of hardcore porn starlet Sasha Grey in a recurring role as one of Vince's flames.

Chip: "You know, Sasha was actually quite good in her first mainstream film role last year as an escort in Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience, but for my money her best work remains The King of Coochie 4."

Richard: "Agreed, but I also liked her work in Meet the Fuckers, which was actually funnier than the Ben Stiller flick it was parodying."

Also premiering tonight on HBO (entering its second season) is Hung, the tale of a big-dicked gigolo in Detroit.

Chip: "This show works quite well as both a trenchant analysis of the collapse of American economy and as a vehicle for hilarious cock jokes."

Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Boys Look at the East Larryville "Dome Home" / Kickball Coverage / Burger of the Week: African Lion Burger!

The recent talk of the town in East Larryville (aside from kickball) has centered around the construction of an energy-efficient "dome home" at 13th and New Jersey ("A recently completed home energy rating estimated it will cost $64 per year to cool the home, $175 per year to heat the home, and $156 per year to operate the hot water heater."--LJ-World).

The home is now complete and purchased by an interesting-looking fellow named Pompie Rinke (pictured below outside his new home). Are the boys fans of this new addition to the local landscape?

Richard: "Let's be honest, folks. The dome home is as ugly as the Oread Inn. But at least it's smaller."











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The "Week 5 Preview" over at the "Sunday(s) in the Park" kickball blog contains a very troubling statement this week:

"Replay has traded in their late inning PBR’s for H20 to ascend the ranks, but I assure you they have lost none of their Rowdiness."

Richard: "If even the Replay Rowdies are favoring serious competition over shitfaced PBR antics, kickball has surely run its course in this town."


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A Mesa, Arizona restauraunt owner outraged animal-rights activists this week by serving African lion burgers (in honor of the World Cup). Despite the protests, "Reservations sold out, with a waiting list 100 long" (Associated Press).

All we can say is this: Come on, Robert Krause! What better way to get a little press when the Burger Stand reopens in its new location this week than to serve up some fucking lion burgers!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Another Visit To Anna Undercover! / Boner Joke of the Week

After a short-lived attempt at writing fiction, our favorite local stripper, Anna Undercover, is back to doing what she does best: telling stories about lapdances.

In her newest blog entry, Anna explains that she was mid-lapdance with a young customer when she suddenly learned that he works at McDonalds. Then this happened:

"I’m sorry, but I really can’t sell you any more $20-dances if I know you work at McDonald’s,” I (actually) said, perched in the boy’s lap on a VIP-area couch.

I cringed at the mental image of him slaving behind a broom for minimum wage.

“Um, OK, well, that’s nice,” he said. "But I really, really don’t care.”

What....?

He shrugged as he blinked, staring at me without expression.

“I want a lap dance, and you have the most amazing butt ever, so just give me a dance."


At this point Anna relents and makes $80 bucks. How do the boys feel about this experience?

Richard: "Personally, I think Anna was wrong to make this kind of a fuss. If he has the money, he should get the dance, no questions asked. Plus, he'd probably been saving that hard-earned french-fry money for months just to experience that 'amazing butt' grinding in his lap."

Chip: "Agreed. And it's not like a fry-cook is even a bad job, necessarily. There's fucking room to move as a fry cook."*


*Free PBR (or generic beer) for the first film-savvy reader to recognize Chip's reference in bold (to a film he almost certainly has not seen).

As always, check out Anna's full post here: http://www2.ljworld.com/weblogs/anna-undercover/2010/jun/21/anna-undercover-nice-hot-cup/
---

The boys are connoisseurs of good boner jokes, but it's not every day you get to see a boner joke performed by one of the greatest actors of all time. The just-released trailer for The Little Fockers, the next installment in the Meet the Parents series, features Robert de Niro spotted by his grandchild while sporting a raging boner! We believe it's his finest work since Raging Bull. (Chip: "Finer, actually. This boner joke will win him another Oscar."). Check it out here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j65JfjApdg4&feature=player_embedded

Richard: "This will make more money in a day than Ben Stiller's Greenberg will ever make. Yet I still insist that Greenberg is the best film of this year so far."*

*The above comment in bold is actually endorsed by the real Richard."

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Local Political Scandal of the Week (Are the City Fathers Racist!?) / Also: Important Hipster Show on the Horizon

An inquiry is currently under way regarding Lawrence City Manager David Corl.ss, who reportedly uttered the phrase "spear-chucker" during a recent City Commission meeting. Corl.ss claims that he likely 'misspoke' while trying to use one of his favorite terms, "spear-catcher," which he often uses "to describe his role of making unpopular decisions that are related to the city’s budget" (LJ-World).

Larryville Liberal Chorus: "This man is worse than General McChrystal! Certainly his supposed slip-of-the-tongue suggests an unconscious racism that still justifies his firing. Off with his head!"

---

Readers, the hype is building for an important hipster show at the Replay on July 6 by Oakland, California's "bubblegum fuzz" band NoBunny, touring behind an album that the LA Examiner calls a "primitive-but-beautiful little garage pop gem, bursting with delicious hooks and manic power." What intrigues us most is that the lead singer wears a creepy bunny mask! Go here to listen to "I Am a Girlfriend" and you will surely do anything in your power to attend this show:

http://www.myspace.com/nobunnylovesyou

Chip: "But why do they call themselves "no bunny" when there is clearly a bunny on stage?"

Captain Chanute: "I'll be in town that night and there's at least a 70% chance I'll slug that fucking bunny-man."

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The LC's Pop Culture Corner! / World Cup Coverage

America's obsession with superhero films shows no signs of abating, and we want to consider two upcoming productions today.

First is Michel Gondry's Green Hornet film. Fanboys have been salivating for a Green Hornet film for ages now, but they are less than pleased with the choice of director (Gondry is known for music-videos and arthouse fare) and lead actor (Seth Rogen as the Green Hornet?!).

Let's see what the AICN geeks are saying.

Joey_Redballs says: "Not As Good As The Version I Dreamed Up 5 Years Ago...I don't like their choices for either actor. I don't like that Kato is a gadget man, that leaves the Green Hornet to be truly useless. My vision (mind you this was 5 yrs ago) cast Will Ferrell as the Green Hornet...I would have had Will Ferrell be a bumbling kind of guy who gets bored with his pointless extravagant life. Then he compulsively decides he wants to use his wealth & resources to fight crime. It's the unrealistic, dangerous whym of a man-child."

Richard: "Actually, I think I WOULD prefer the vision of Joey_Redballs."

But the boys are more excited about a different kind of superhero movie altogether, one that will not appear at a theater near you but rather lie in wait for you through the swinging doors at the back of Miracle Video. Yes, there is a porn-parody of Batman on the way, called Batman XXX, starring Dale DaBone as Batman and featuring the talents of porn divas Tori Black and Lexi Belle.

You can watch a trailer at YouTube, and it's (surprisingly) safe for work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0t0u1ofiv0

Richard: "Wow, the production values on this thing are better than most of what I've seen at the multiplex this summer and I think it's clear already that Dale DaBone will be a better Batman than George Clooney. I haven't been this excited about porn since Nailin' Paylin.'"

Chip: "Holy Boners, Batman, I can't wait to watch this film!"

Dr. X: "Lexi Belle has done some good work in porn parodies. I enjoyed her turn as Marcia in Not The Bradys XXX: Pussy Power."

In general, however, the boys prefer their entertainment more sophisticated. For instance, they are eagerly awaiting the premiere of Season Four of Mad Men next month. This teaser poster for the new season recently appeared (click to enlarge):




















Like everything else about the show, the poster is sparking provocative intellectual debate among AV Club fanboys who are fascinated by the "exhibitionist subtext" of the poster (specifically: the mysterious placement of Don's left hand, angled toward his crotch).

Hendel says: "Maybe he's glaring down at a world that won't let him abandon it. While fantasizing about it going down on him."


---

The boys find the World Cup stunningly dull, but it nonetheless offers a welcome opportunity to get shitfaced at the Red Lyon at 9:00 in the morning. Here's an address for a not-very-exciting 29 second video of local fans at the Lyon during this morning's US win. But it's worth a look for a few quick glimpses of the Honorable Reverend H. and local farmer Dave G.ndy (who are not cheering at all!? were they rooting for fucking Algeria?).

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2010/jun/23/local-soccer-fans-dedication-rewarded-us-win/

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Summer Solstice Summary and a Visit to Pitchfork!

Readers, we hope you enjoyed your summer solstice festivities yesterday. Richard chose to celebrate by attending a Native-American "smudging" ritual at the legendary former "meth-house" on 15th Street, which has now been purchased by Eastside raconteur and hot-tub enthusiast Bob Coffm.n following the ATF raids that ejected "Scooter" from the premises. Also in attendance at the ritual was the owner of Miracle Video, who lives in the area and thankfully did not embarrass Richard by asking about all the Sammy Ryry films that Richard has been checking out lately "for research purposes."

While Richard was initially skeptical of Bob's purchase of the property, he quickly found himself won over by its proximity to the Outhouse (also, it looks like a real sweet place to cook meth!).

But let's get to today's primary purpose: a visit to Pitchfork. There are some days where we feel that, although we are very hip indeed, we could be even hipper, and on those days we turn to Pitchfork to discover a new band which we will then champion for a few weeks until we move on to something hipper. We have a certain two-pronged technique we use when skimming Pitchfork: (1) we only focus on bands with an 8.0 or better rating and (2) we only focus on bands whose names are somewhat silly.

Today's choice: Ariel Pink's Haunted Grafitti, whose new album, Before Today, receives a very high 9.0.

Ariel Pink, it seems, has made his name by "using an ultra lo-fo recording set-up to re-imagine cheesy AM radio jingles and lost new wave tracks as surreal, art-damaged pop." The new record, however, apparently embraces a more polished sound: "Opening with roller-rink keyboards, a popping bass, and car chase sound effects, it feels loose and casual until the falsetto vocals snap into place, sounding suddenly like Philip Bailey on a lost Earth, Wind & Fire jam." Pitchfork's conclusion: "It's a rare feat for artists to maintain a truly unique sound while taking their music in a direction that appeals to a wider audience. For those who've been following along for a few years, this is a groundbreaking record that condenses and amplifies Ariel Pink's most accessible tendencies."

Richard: "Hold on now! Since when does Pitchfork champion 'accessibility?' Then again, I shall give this a chance because it has a song named 'Butt-House Blondies' on it, and that sounds interesting."

Go here for Ariel Pink doing a spectacularly dull and painfully long cover of the Doors' "Light My Fire":

http://www.myspace.com/arielpink

Monday, June 21, 2010

Happy Summer Solstice! / Look Who's Twittering

Readers, it's the summer solstice, and Eastsiders will be celebrating this evening with a variety of parties (Chip: "And by 'parties' they mean 'pagan rituals, many of which involve naked kickball.").

Enjoy yourselves, folks, but be careful, because this unusually hot early summer weather seems to be making local hobos even "stabbier" than usual (seriously, there is a stabbing in this town almost every fucking day!).

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The boys have been very vocally skeptical of twitter (Richard: "Because it's just so stupid!"), but that doesn't prevent them from keeping tabs on numerous twitter feeds. Today we showcase a few our current favorites.

Local scoundrel and sexpert Victor Continental just began "tweeting" this morning. His first post:

"When I look down, I'm usually amazed at the size."

Follow him here: http://twitter.com/VictorSaysDrink

The Bourgeois Pig remains a perpetual favorite of ours. They don't seem to have addressed the baby-in-bar scandal on the site, but their updates remain delightfully pretentious:

"The mango rum's nearly infused. Sorry it's taking so long, but we don't want to decant it before it's ready."

Tune in here for infusion-updates: http://twitter.com/thebourgeoispig

We are also grateful to the Pig for this picture, taken during a noon concert by the Lonesome Hobos on Mass. Street:

















But perhaps our favorite new Twitter feed is by someone named "StudentStripper," posting from the anonymous "midwest." Her posts are often wonderfully raunchy, such as this recent entry:

"New girl was seen getting fingered during a dance. Big fight broke out in the dressing room."

She's also prone to titillating commentary regarding her own off-stage sexploits:

"role-played with the Boy...as stripper and customer...endless lapdances and ended up tying him to the bedframe :)"

".Ps I get laid in less than a week and I can't fucking wait."

"Well i can hear the birds chirping. Time to masterbate and go to sleep."


Follow her here: http://twitter.com/studentstripper

Dr. X, Twitter-user: "I certainly will!"

Richard: "I figured a stripper would be able to spell 'masturbate' properly."

The boys have been flirting with the idea of creating an LC-related Twitter feed lately, but we aren't sure our fans necessarily want an update each time Chip gets a boner.

Chip: "I do get an awful lot of boners."

Sunday, June 20, 2010

A Sunday Kickball Mystery! / Angry Lawrence.com Blogger of the Week

Today we must call on the help of our new readers from the kickball community to solve an important mystery! (IF we actually have new readers...so far, evidence is scarce).

Here's the deal: we occasionally like to check in with the "missed connections" section of Larryville's Craigslist, because we find it both terribly sad and strangely touching (and because we got the idea from Lawrence.com, which quickly abandoned it in favor of offering more links to hilarious cat-videos). And today we discovered this kickball-related Craigslist query (which does not specify if it is m4w or w4m or m4m or w4w):

"You played for the [Replay] rowdies yesterday and I couldn't stop looking at your giraffe tattoo. It's adorable. I wanted to tell you, but I got nervous.

Readers, if you know this giraffe-tattoed hipster, please write in and help this poor soul to possibly get laid.

http://lawrence.craigslist.org/mis/1791411989.html

And here's another kickball-related post from a smitten lady:

"I spotted you yesterday at game of the week and I can't take it anymore, I have to figure out who you are because you are perhaps the cutest boy I've ever seen. you have blondish brown hair, a septum ring, glasses and the cutest smile with a gap that drives me crazy!*swoon* I wanna kiss you every time I see you."

Chip: "I'm totally getting a septum ring!"

http://lawrence.craigslist.org/mis/1791930303.html

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Now that the head honchos (or "homies") of Lawrence.com have been ousted by its owner, The World Company, contributors to the site are pulling out as well. Blogger "Godjilla" offers a final fuck-you to the new Lawrence.com in her current (and last) post. Here's an excerpt:

"Look, I understand the death of the Deadwood Edition. I didn't like it, but I understand it. What I don't understand, is this b.s. website. So glad to know that the city I formerly called home, the city I love still, has succumbed to the homogenization so prevalent in our GLOBAL FUCKING VILLAGE. Wherever you go, there you are. We're all uniquely the same. Well done.

And mad props on your ridiculous use of advertising space. I, for one, thoroughly enjoy annoying flash adverts and taking control away from the user. We can't be trusted to make good decisions anyway. The simple fact that as I type this, there's a cheap-ass Flash ad for The Oread (thanks for gentrifying my old neighborhood) only further aggravates me. What the hell is going on there, Lawrence?

To the staff remaining, it's not you. Or maybe it is, I don't know. We all gotta work, right? I don't know who the decider is over there any more and I don't really care.

Don't cry though, I do have a parting gift for you. Embedded in beautiful, hand-writable HTML and pulled from another site, with a little bit o' Flash, just like you like.



[here Godjilla links to an e-card that reads "I would like to cordially invite you all to suck it].

It was fun while it lasted."

Richard: "Fun final blog, Godjilla, but your posts were so infrequent it's not like anyone's going to miss you. Aside from one other recent entry, your last post was on August 29, 2009. I sometimes wonder if there's anyone in this town who writes a daily blog that considers local news and culture?

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The LC Considers the Continuing Decline Of Lawrence.com

Some of you will tire quickly of today's entry (which asks you to read quite a lot and offers no kickball pictures), but we think it's worth your time.

Local hipsters are understandably concerned by any and all changes at Lawrence.com, from the serious (the demise of the print edition) to the trivial (design changes of the website).

An announcement this week likely leans toward the serious side: Lawrence.com's owner, The World Company, has laid off, for financial reasons, long-time contributor Gavon Laessig and editor Phil Cauthon. Sure, we've poked a little fun at Gavon's propensity for extraneous shirtless photos of himself, but we still suspect the website will decline now that it's being run by the fine folks from the "features" section of the LJ-World, who believe that local-culture stories consist primarily of helpful hints on eating cantaloupe.

Let's take a look at some of the concerns raised in the talkback section.

ScaryManilow (of the SpookLights) eloquently voices many of our own fears:

"I eagerly anticipate lawrence.com-- the rhonda miller years... [LC-note: This is sarcasm, folks. Rhonda Miller is the "poet" who runs rampant on the LJ-World website].Then again, this change surely reflects a more conservative attitude in Lawrence (I'm pretty sure Gavon's take on "Manscaping" was a bit too button-pushy for some of the fuddy duddies in this town)... If there was more of a market for this sort of thing, they may not have pulled the plug, but alas, Lawrence is turning into a retirement community for ex-Johnson County stockbrokers, and our cultural output has to be watered down to suit their tastes."

Matt Armstrong makes the point that the Gavon and Phil-era was already a "sinking ship" in his blistering critique which ends with a wail of pure (hipster) anguish. We'll print it here at length:

"LJWorld already threw Lawrence.com away when it canceled the print edition. It was a touchstone in the community, and they turned their back on it by not paying bloggers, firing editors, ignoring the developing models of monetized sites (instead relying exclusively on ad revenues), avoiding creativity in it's business model, and ignoring exclusive content. Instead, they decided to turn the site into a link depository (no editing needed!), leading viewers away from the site, while running duplicate stories on LJWorld.com (again, making viewers look AWAY from the site). What did they expect unique page views to do? Go up?

Phil and Gavon were only holding the shambling thing together, frantically plugging the leaks in the ship while waiting for either a financial cutback or a department shutdown to kill them. They did it out of faith to the past, to the town, and to the community; or what there was left of it. Because refreshing leadership sure as hell wasn't coming. It's clear; management strangled the content. They took the first and foremost web presence in Lawrence and made it a dust bowl. They did it by being stupid and short sighted and limiting their hired talents' skills.

[To the Editors] I mean, Christ, you threw away a (actually not a, the only) hip, viably profitable newsweekly and actually managed to damage the community. It was the town's printed schedule! Your damned paper used to literally draw friends and me out of our offices at lunch so we could peruse it on Wednesdays over lunch, thanks to the full schedule and the brilliantly attractive layout. Who else can claim that?!? The Onion? Vice? Well, follow their business models, it's easy enough to find a copy. When I moved here in 2004 I made friends over talking about what was in Lawrence.com (Can't anyone remember Willie the Warlock?!?). It was a water cooler for the entirety of downtown. And you threw it away, you absolutely threw it away."


Richard: "Yeah, whatever happened to Willie the Warlock, I wonder? And why can't someone hire Chip and me to turn Lawrence.com into something vaguely provocative but, most importantly, chock-full of boner jokes?"

Friday, June 18, 2010

Local Bar Controversy of the Week / Hipster Pick of the Day: The Belles At Love Garden

One of the most discussed articles at the LJ-World website this week concerns local mother Carrie Wallace, who enjoys hanging out at the Bourgeois Pig with her 11-month old son Dmitri, sometimes for coffee during the day, occasionally after 11:00 at night for a nice cocktail. Sometimes she breastfeeds Dmitri while there.

Recently, however, manager Frank Dorsey approached her with "concerns": "“It’s a busy bar,” he said. “And after 10 o’clock or so, the majority of our business is in alcohol. It can get a little rowdy and people have expressed concerns that it was not a good environment to have a child in." (LJ-World).

Wallace feels betrayed that her favorite spot, where she met her husband, has turned against her: "“My opinion of The Pig was that it was a bohemian sort of place that was really accepting and very inclusive." (LJ-World).

The talkback consists primarily of righteous indignation that this hussy would dare to bring her child out past 11:00 p.m alongside a few helpful breastfeeding tips: "Dark beers stimulate lactation," says Monkey_C).

Where do the boys stand on this important story?

Richard: "First off, why would anyone choose the Pig when the Replay is just a block away and fully accomodating of all manner of irresponsible behaviors?"

Chip: "Of all the reasons to expose one's breasts in public, breastfeeding is the most boring."

---

If you're in a hipster band, you occasionally tire of late-night shows where your "fans" are so loud and drunk that whatever you play is more-or-less beside the point and you begin to desire doing the occasional, earlier show in an environment more conducive to listening, even if said environment is a stifling record shop with poor acoustics. And if you're a hipster, you occasionally desire to see such a show.

It's been five years since the Belles released their last album (Misery Loves Industry). Their new one, Time Flies When You're Losing Your Mind, is getting good press from the likes of PopWreckoning.

See you tonight at the (new) Love Garden.

Richard: Will I EVER stop missing the old Love Garden?"

And if you miss this gig, don't panic. The Belles will play again on July 22 at 6:30 a.m at the Apple Store in KC (seriously).

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Visit to Style Scout / The LC Gets Reviewed! / Top Ten Sexy Works of Southern Literature

Style Scout has spent the last few weeks Scouting old people (are they EVER stylish?), and we have been ignoring those profiles. Today, however, the Scout has returned to doing what it does best: profiling local hipster 20-somethings who say silly things.

Meet Sammy Be, a "liberal artist" whose fashion influences are "Japanese fashion label Comme des Garcons and musician Bj√∂rk." Sammy is a fan of "Timeless trends — trends that transcend being trendy" and he doesn't care for "Trends that don’t celebrate positive body image."

Readers, does he "transcend being trendy?" (click to enlarge).


















---

President Belt, over at Sundays in the Park, has now gifted the LC with not only a link to our work but a full review of our shenanigans. Thanks, Deron! (I may just buy you an extra beer if you ever stick around longer than 5 minutes somewhere). Here is the review in full:

"Want to read more about the Lawrence hipster scene? Check out this insider/outsider blog that snarks on all things hipster. Richard and his band of blog-literati enjoy hitting the bars, beers, and scenester events. Occasionally he’ll take pokes at our beloved kickball league. I’ve enjoyed reading his takes on the KVKL culture as his adroit riffs fit right in with our own aptitude for smack talk. Please visit his site and let him know what you think."

Richard: " 'Adroit' is probably the kindest thing anyone has ever said about our (my) work!"

It's worth noting, however, that not a single person has responded to Deron's post about the LC, while a whopping 14 people responded to the tiny prior post about Slow Ride's incredible victory over Jazzhaus and the "epic extra-inning thriller" between Replay and BrewBallers. This only adds to our belief that kickballers care for nothing but kickball, which makes us sad, a little sad. There's a whole world of hipster culture out there just waiting to be explored, folks!

Visit Sundays in the Park here: http://deronbelt.wordpress.com/



---

The Oxford American, published out of Richard's old alma mater UCA, is probably the boys' third favorite magazine (after the New Yorker and Juggs). And their current "Best of the South" issue (an annual treat) offers a piece that might interest some of our readers who enjoy sexy literature of a less-filthy caliber than the Joyce letters we showcased yesterday.

"Beth Ann Fennelly's Ode to Ten Sexy Books" offers excerpts from ten steamy southern books (some of them poems and plays, actually, Beth Ann!) that are sure to give you a "cockstand," as Joyce might say (Chip: "Or to keep you moist, if we want to continue with the Southern humidity references and include our horny female readership as well.").

It's truly a fine list, ranging from the romantic ("Somebody…somebody ought to—kiss you, Laura," from Williams' Glass Menagerie) to the decidedly less-romantic but always-hilarious late-great Barry Hannah (“I want to sleep in her uterus with my foot hanging out.”).

Richard: "I had the distinct pleasure of meeting Hannah when he spoke to a creative-writing class at UCA. He offended most of the women in the class within the first five minutes."

But our favorite is perhaps Kevin Young's "Ode to My Sex," a touching tribute to his penis:

"Like France,
it leans left.

Like that Tower
in Italy, its shadow
covers the city…"


Read Beth Ann's choices here:

http://www.oxfordamerican.org/articles/2010/may/26/beth-ann-fennellys-ode-ten-sexy-books/

And stay tuned in coming days, as we also plan to cover other material from the "Best of the South" issue, such as a strange piece of art criticism called "Ode to a (Phallocentric) Painter."

Chip: "Southerners sure do think about their dicks a lot, don't they?"

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The LC Celebrates Bloomsday! / Hipster Pick of the Day: Mistress Stephanie and Her Melodic Cat at the Replay!

It's Bloomsday, readers, the annual celebration of James Joyce (particularly Ulysses, which is set on this day). The boys plan to toast Joyce as usual, with a guerilla reading of his work at the Red Lyon. Will this prove problematic today, given the fact that the pub is full of crazed soccer hooligans watching the World Cup who are likely to pummel the boys senseless? We'll find out.

Amongst the boys' selections will be, of course, Molly's masturbation scene, which remains their perpetual favorite (and one of the few parts they've actually read):

" . . . and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes."

But the boys have also recently discovered Joyce's amazingly filthy love letters to Nora, which they also plan to read today. We'll offer you a taste below, but much of it is simply too naughty for our sensitive audience, so make sure to go to this site and read the letters in full, if you are one who is so inclined (Dr. X, Dr. C, etc):

http://loveletters.tribe.net/thread/fce72385-b146-4bf2-9d2e-0dfa6ac7142d

"My sweet naughty little fuckbird...You seem anxious to know how I received your letter which you say is worse than mine. How is it worse than mine, love? Yes, it is worse in one part or two. I mean the part where you say what you will do with your tongue (I don't mean sucking me off) and in that lovely word you write so big and underline, you little blackguard. It is thrilling to hear that word (and one or two others you have not written) on a girl's lips. But I wish you spoke of yourself and not of me. Write me a long long letter , full of that and other things, about yourself, darling. You know now how to give me a cockstand."

Chip: "I totally have a 'cockstand' right now. Also, I hope that, when I become a famous writer, someone publishes a collection of my best 'sextings,' which are fantastically erotic. I tend to use the word 'panties' a lot, following the recent advice of Christina Hendricks in Esquire, and sometimes I spell it 'pantiez,' for some reason."

Richard: "I find Joyce's dirty letters much preferable to Finnegan's Wake."

---

If you love preposterous hipster band names as much as we do, you'll want to be in attendance at the Replay tonight when Mistress Stephanie and Her Melodic Cat take the stage.

Apparently the titular 'cat' refers to her male vocalist and not, as we were hoping, to an actual cat that she squeezes and makes meow in a tuneful fashion, but the band, with songs like "Shake Your Dance Stick," still sounds pretty intriguing and we think the Leotards, in particular, should check them out (also, the Leotards should use an actual cat in their performances):


http://www.myspace.com/mistressandcat

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The LC Examines America's Favorite New Drinking Game! / This Week in Local Crime / The Boys' Fashion Corner Is Back!

Readers, if you've driven through Larryville's student ghetto on a warm spring afternoon, you've no doubt seen groups of fraternity brothers outside playing beer pong and flippy cup. But have you ever seen the bros "icing" each other?

We haven't either, and it saddens us to think that Larryville is lagging behind in the boozing department. For those of you who don't keep up with such things, let the NY-Times describe the game for you:

"The premise of the game is simple: hand a friend a sugary Smirnoff Ice malt beverage and he (most participants have been men) has to drink it on one knee, all at once — unless he is carrying a bottle himself, in which case the attacker must drink both bottles...".

The Times believes the game is largely confined to southern fraternities at the moment, with liquor stores actually seeing a significant rise in sales of Smirnoff drinks.

The game has become a popular internet "meme" which you can follow at such sites as:

http://yougoticed.tumblr.com/

and especially

http://brosicingbros.com/

Richard: "I'm totally going to ice Chip the next time I see him!"


---

Larryville's crime wave continues with this shocking headline in the on-line LJ-World: "Man arrested after punching another in the face."

The story:

"...a 24-year-old Lawrence man was sitting outside the Cadillac Ranch with a friend when the suspect approached him and asked if he had a problem. When the victim explained he didn’t, the suspect left but then returned and punched the victim in the face."

Chip: "I punched him because I knew he was lying about not having a problem."

---

Larryville has a few hipster fashion shows, usuually occurring at the Replay, but as of yet we have nothing that rivals KC's annual West 18th Street Fashion Show in which throngs fill the Crossroads Arts district to witness the summer's boldest new fashions. The boys sadly missed the event, but luckily KC's Ink magazine offers a useful slideshow. Here are two of our favorites:




















Richard: "I'm very much hoping that this nearly-naked-under-a-parasol look catches on for the summer, especially among Quinton's waitresses.





















Chip: "This one is just a model walking the runway with some donuts."

Monday, June 14, 2010

The LC's Pop Culture Corners Considers HBO and 80's Nostalgia! / Also: Kickball and Mexican Wrestling!

By all accounts, the quality of HBO's original dramas has declined in recent years, with nothing to match the importance of The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Deadwood, The Wire. But that doesn't mean there isn't fun to be had on the pay-cable stalwart. Last night marked the return of True Blood, which is becoming a new summer tradition of outrageous sex and violence with a broad appeal: it's beloved by vampire fans, gay men, and people who enjoying seeing Anna Paquin's titties (Chip and Richard).

And the network has an interesting new series in the works, a show based on Mara Altman's memoir Thanks For Coming: One Young Woman’s Quest For An Orgasm, the tale of a “twenty-six-year-old, attractive, successful, single woman in New York who'd never had an orgasm."

Chip: "Ten bucks says the series finale ends with the star finally experiencing an orgasm."

Richard: "I'd totally watch this show, and I think they should do a cross-over episode with HBO's comedy series Hung, about the guy with the big dick."

And readers, speaking of HBO comedy, we want to offer you a real treat today, an address for a Youtube clip from HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Marty Funkhouser tells a spectacularly filthy joke to LD and Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry's reactions are priceless. Don't watch at work. And, yes, the video works. It just takes it a second to begin (stay tuned):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3o5m_mXadoU


Turning now to the weekend box-office, it seems America just can't get enough of the 80's. Two remakes of 80's classics are perched in the top two spots: The Karate Kid (now starring Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi and Will Smith's son as the "kid," a pairing that could only have been dreamed up while someone was VERY high) and The A-Team, now starring Liam Neeson as Hannibal in a performance that surely signals the end of whatever importance he may have once had as an actor).

Chip: "I like the parts where B.A is scared to get on planes."

We'll offer a free PBR to the person who submits the best idea for another 80's remake in the comments section.

Richard: "I'd like to see a new take on Adventures in Babysitting, starring Megan Fox as a babysitter we DO want to fuck with, if you catch my meaning."*

*For those of you unschooled in 80's nostalgia, Richard is making a stunningly witty reference to the film's most famous line: "Don't fuck with the babysitter."

---

Kickball score of the week: Los Luchadores 20 / Blue Collar Press 2

Richard: "I thought this team's Mexican wrestling masks might impair their play, but I guess not."

And if you didn't get enough luchador action on the field last night, Liberty Hall and Retro Cocktail Hour are teaming up for another double-bill of luchador films this weekend, including the "classic" (according to Retro Cocktail Hour website) Mummies of Guanajuato.

See you there.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Larryville Gets Even Artsier / Also: Rap Pick of the Week

Not to be outdone by KC's First Friday art openings in the Crossroads District, Larryville will begin their own similar event on August 27 (ours will be called "Final Fridays," not "First"). The city is currently hosting a logo competition for a design that "will be used on all promotional materials and will receive $500" (Lawrence.com).

Richard: "My submission is of a hipster artist at his easel, painting a meticulous portrait of a PBR can. To me, it shows how art can grow out of even modest, trivial circumstances such as local hipster culture, but it's also a biting commentary on how said art is also pretty trivial itself. But I hope the city doesn't get that last part, because I want that $500 dollars."

---

If you love rap as much as the boys, you're no doubt awaiting Drake's official debut album, which "drops" this week. Drake, a "biracial Jewish-Canadian former child actor" (NY-Times) has already been anointed as the next big thing by virtually all media outlets. The NY-Times writes of the album, titled Thank Me Later:

"It’s a moody, entrancing and emotionally articulate album that shows off Drake’s depth as a rapper, a singer and a songwriter, without sacrificing accessibility."

Let's take a look at an excerpt of lyrics from the first single, "Over":

"You too fine to be layin’ down in bed alone
I could teach you how to speak my language, Rosetta Stone
I swear this life is like the sweetest thing I’ve ever known
‘Bout to go Thriller Mike Jackson on these niggas
All I need’s a fucking red jacket with some zippers
Super good smiddoke, a package of the swishers
I did it overnight, it couldn’t happen any quicker"


Chip: "In the opening lines, the speaker is directly addressing one of his 'bitches,' yet the lines are a common 'signifying' technique that apply just as well to his audience, as he invites us too to learn his particular 'language,' which isn't always easy to translate. As best as I can tell, 'smiddoke' probably means 'reefer?'"

Richard: "I plan to rap this tune at the next Leotards* jam session."

*The Leotards are an important local band featuring King Tosser on guitar and S. Stix on vocals, simulated sex noises, and train whistles.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The LC Welcomes (Possible) New Readers! / KU Sports Photo of the Week

Richard was quietly drinking at the Replay yesterday evening when the President of East Lawrence briefly popped in (he was "conducting business," which was no doubt kickball-related). Before popping back out, he paused long enough to inform a delighted Richard that he'd linked the LC to his very-popular kickball blog, Sundays in the Park:

http://deronbelt.wordpress.com/

So we extend a warm welcome to any and all kickball players who may wander through via Deron's blog. Please know that, although we do often "name names" in our kickball coverage, it's rarely personal (since we find most kickball players to be interchangeably ridiculous).

Chip: "I prefer watching local kickball to watching the World Cup. But I prefer watching Scary Larry Bike Polo to watching local kickball."

Chris's new post on Deron's blog highlights an enjoyable Week 3 match-up for tomorrow night: AsteroidHead vs. Rangelife Records ("Rangelife will attempt to defend its title as league’s best hecklers and hipsters against a few of its former teammates who spawned to form Astroidhead.").

Richard: "I predict AsteroidHead will postpone the game in order to watch the Season 3 finale of Breaking Bad, and who can blame them?"

---

A lot of people have no doubt been worrying about how Coach S.lf is holding up this week as KU athletics crumbles around him? The answer: just fine.

S.lf spent last night with his coaches "boogeying to the Bee-Gees’ “Staying Alive” in a choreographed dance" (LJ-World) at an event in KC's Sprint Center called the "Bill S.lf Basketball Boogie."

Look at him. He doesn't look worried at all.













Chip: "I predict he'll 'boogie' his way right out of KU in a year or so, when our biggest rivalry of the season is against the Pitt State Gorillas...and the Gorillas win."

Friday, June 11, 2010

The Boys Mourn the Death of the Big 12 / Sacred Journey Gets Raided (Again) / Also: "Horse Acts!"

Readers, everyone's worst fears were confirmed yesterday when KU athletics as we know and love them came to a crashing halt with the announcements that Nebraska and Colorado (and maybe others) will bid the Big 12 adieu in pursuit of greener pastures (and more green, as in dollars).

What do the boys think?

Chip: "Obviously, this whole fiasco has been examined from every angle, so let's skip all that for now and ask a question that's being forgotten amidst the chaos: How will this effect the quality of the sweet ass on our campus and in our bars?"

But the Big 12 isn't the only conference falling apart around here, it seems. What's going on in the Kaw Valley Kickball League? One of the featured stories of the current weekly podcast is "the mysterious disappearance of Eastsiders" (Lawrence.com). Will the Honorable Reverend H. and her Eastside companions be lured back into the fold after all? Or will they resist the lure of hipsterism and spend their Sunday evenings as God intended (at the Replay, with Richard, listening to bluegrass).

Stay tuned.

---

Local hippies were stunned yesterday when federal officials again raided and shut down local downtown "herb shop" Sacred Journey. The officials were supposedly not after K2 (synthetic-weed) this time but rather to be "focusing on the diet supplement Que She (pronounced KAY-shee), a mix of Chinese herbs said to be a miracle weight loss pill." (LJ-World).

Richard: "Dude, this weight loss pill will get you totally high if you smoke it."

Here's a sad picture (from the LJ-World) of the owner, outside her establishment, no doubt cursing "the Man" (click to enlarge).














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The press release for Larryville's annual Busker Fest has arrived, promising "Strong Women, Horse Acts and Mind Reading" on the streets of downtown Larryville this August.

Chip: "'Horse Acts?' Is this anything like a 'donkey show?' I think buskers have finally realized that jugglers and mimes aren't enough to entertain young people in today's world. What the kids want to see these days is a woman fucking a horse."

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Larryville and Lebowski

The cult following centered around the Coen brothers' The Big Lebowski never ceases to diminish, with numerous Lebowski-fests spreading across the land each year.

Larryville may not have an official Lebowski-fest just yet, but Liberty Hall's "Midnight Movie Madness" series will bring the film back for a second round tomorrow at midnight after drawing 500+ costumed-revelers to their first screening. And a smaller "Lebowski party" occurred last night at the Granada:

"Showing the movie is going to be the main thing, but leading up to it there will be different games, events and drink specials to go along with it," says Granada manager Cameron Lauer of their Lebowski Party. "There's going to be a booth where you can throw coffee mugs at the Dude's head while he's sitting at a desk, there's going to be Bobbing for Severed Toes - lots of things along those lines themed with the movie. Obviously, Caucasians (White Russians) will be served" (Lawrence.com).

Richard: "As a die-hard Coens fan, obviously I approve of these events. But I also think that every single local boozehound and pothead who believe themselves to be superfans should also be made to watch some of the other Coen masterpieces they have missed while passed out on White Russians. Why can't we ever spend an evening at the Granada watching Barton Fink?"

Chip: "I am not a movie fan, but I have watched this film, and my criticism is this: People who hang out in bowling alleys do not say things like 'Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, dude, at least it's an ethos.'"*

Richard: "Also, a hip, cutting-edge college town like Larryville should really be offering screenings of America's newest cult classic, Tommy Wiseau's The Room, perhaps with a visit from Wiseau himself. Come on, Liberty Hall! Are you hip, or aren't you?

*Actual quote


Local Lebowski fans:














Enjoy this Youtube clip of a midnight screening of Tommy Wiseau's "The Room":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQUB6wss7_A&feature=related

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

This Week in Foodie News

Robert Krause's The Burger Stand will officially open in its new location at the Casbah (right next to Krause's Esquina) on July 1 . The area is already being referred to by some as "Krause Corner." Local foodies are desperately hoping there is no lag time whatsoever in between the time the Stand closes at Dempsey's and opens at the Casbah (Chip: "Because I needs my truffle fries.").

Soon, however, you'll be able to whip up your own wacky Krause concoctions in your own home. In October, the chef and his wife are releasing a cookbook: The Cook's Book of Intense Flavors: 101 Surprising Flavor Combinations and Extraordinary Recipes That Excite Your Palate and Pleasure Your Senses.

Richard: "Finally, I won't waste my time adding fried plantains to dishes that do not benefit from fried plantains."

Chip: "I'm trying to figure out the equation on the book's cover. Is that 'tea' + 'lobster' + 'ketchup?' I thought it was frowned upon to slather a lobster with ketchup, but I often do it anyway."

Richard: "The use of 'pleasure your senses' over 'please your senses' in that title seems to add a very sexual element, and eating Krause's odd dishes is well-known to cause spontaneous orgasms."

Pre-order the book at Amazon and click the pic below to enlarge and solve the equation for Chip!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

This Week in Local News / The Boys' Summer Book Club

Readers, perhaps you'd like to know how the boys feel about some of the major recent Larryville stories, such as the "hate crime" outside the Replay Lounge? (sad). Or today's death at the Oread Inn? (confusing). Or the closing of Joe Schmo's restaurant? (Chip: "I fucking told you that bocce ball would not work in the Midwest!").

But since we haven't had a reader in many days (despite tittie pictures and a discussion of The Human Centipede!), we don't know what you want to hear about. So we're just going to consider Justn Cronin's new post-apocalyptic vampire/zombie novel The Passage.

The Passage has already been annointed by virtually every media-outlet as the book of the summer, a behemoth (766 pages) of a page-turner about a little girl in post-apocalyptic America pursued by hordes of "virals," who are "hairless, insectile, glow-in-the-dark mutations" (interweb). The Passage netted Cronin, a former winner of the PEN/Hemingway award, a $3.75 million book deal. Is Cronin just slumming, wanting to cash in on the recent vampire/zombie craze? Or is the book truly awesome? We'll let you know 766 pages from now. But here's the first line to get you hooked:

"Before she became the Girl From Nowhere--the One Who Walked In, the First and Last and Only, who lived a thousand years--she was just a little girl in Iowa, named Amy."

Laura Miller, in Salon, says that the book proves it's still "possible to write a novel that revels in narrative momentum and pop mythos while still honoring the textures of real people, places and things."

Chip: "Praise it all you like, if a book's first sentence does not pass my 'boner test' of good fiction, I'm unlikely to proceed."

Richard: "The only question for me is whether I'll read this before or after I read Brains: A Zombie Memoir, which is written as a first-person account from a 'rare sentient zombie.' Enjoy this excerpt:

"I forgave the humans for hunting me, as I forgave myself for eating them. Like Anne Frank, in spite of everything, I still believed we are all really good at heart."

Monday, June 7, 2010

Is It Art, or Is It...Just Another Shitty Reality Television Show?

Just when you thought Bravo was about nothing but top chefs and top models and "real housewives," along comes "Work of Art," a new reality show in which "contestants are faced with the challenge of creating unique pieces in a variety of mediums such as painting, sculpture, photography, collage and industrial design...Completed works of art will be appraised by our panel of top art world figures alongside a new celebrated guest judge every week" (Bravo).

As it turns out, one of the contestants is a prominent Kansas City artist named Peregrine Honig. Here is one of her pieces (click to enlarge):






















Chip: "The Minnie Mouse tattoo between her titties, combined with the animal imagery, is suggestive of both natural and manufactured innocence. I find Peregrine's work as compelling as it is boner-inducing."

And not only does Peregrine "do art" (as Chip would term it), she also owns a KC lingerie shop (or "intimate apparel apothecary," according to the website) called Birdies Panties.

We recommend going to the website's home page, where you can dress a sketch of a naked model in various lingerie combinations by clicking on a series of thumbnail sketches:

http://www.birdiespanties.com/

Chip: "Can panties be art?"

Christina Hendricks (Mad Men's Joan) says in her piece "A Letter to Men" in Esquire: "Panties is a wonderful word. When did you stop saying 'panties.' It's sexy. It's girlie. It's naughty. Say it more."

Richard: "I will, Christina Hendricks. I certainly will."

"Work of Art" premieres on Bravo this Wednesday.

Technical Difficulties!

Closed for the moment due to technical difficulties with "blogspot" site.

Chip: "Is this a joke? If so, I don't get it?"

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Another Visit to "MAN !!!! LOOK AT THIS THING I SAW IN A LAWRENCE, KANSAS ALLEY !!!" On Facebook

We showcased our current favorite Facebook group awhile back, and it continues to grow and evolve in interesting ways, providing an important forum for Larryville luminaries like "Boog" Highberger to discuss weird shit found in local alleys. According to group members, the "frozen cat" photo is probably the most "famous" so far. We'll offer you a glimpse at the very end of this post, leaving some space in between (a trick we learned from our good friend Dr. C at "Stately Pleasure Domes") so you can choose to avoid it if you don't enjoy looking at dead frozen cats.

A strange new feature in the Facebook group comes from a fellow named Nick Schmiedeler,who is posting a series of "terrifying alley drives" in which he barrels through local alleys in his pick-up. Here's one from the alley between 7th and 8th and Missouri and Arkansas Streets:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXYpxY20VOY

That's close to King Tosser's house, Nick! Watch out for the Tosser!

Chip: "Don't these fucking townies have something better to do besides joyriding in alleys and discussing poor dead frozen kitties? Isn't there a kickball game tonight?

Richard: "Indeed there is, Chip. In fact, there's a major showdown tonight, according to a post written by Chris Jones (Hi, Chris!) on President Deron Belt's "Sundays in the Park" blog (Hi, Deron!). Let's take a look at Chris's thoughts on tonight's Replay vs Eastsiders match-up."

The new look Eastsiders are athletic but inexperienced at the game. Can those Rowdies knock off the 2nd seeded team with one hand tied behind their backs? That hand either protecting a freshly opened PBR or representing playing without their best player and distinguished gentleman, Mr. Bickel.

Richard: "Normally I'd be supporting the Eastsiders, but they seem awfully apathetic this season."
























Saturday, June 5, 2010

The LC's Pop Culture Corner

As connoisseurs of crude humor, the boys were in line last night for Get Him to the Greek (Chip: "I liked the part where the woman made Jonah Hill suck the dildo!"). But perhaps the culture's most important contribution to crudeness this weekend comes in the form of MTV's new series The Hard Times of RJ Cutler: "...RJ begins with an extended scene of masturbation...Soon after...both the audience and RJ's peers discover that he is endowed with a remarkably large manhood, a fact that makes him a subject of fascination, fear, and pity" (LJ-World review).

Chip: "Sounds good but I have just one question: Why would anyone pity a dude with a huge cock? I think the reviewer meant to say 'envy.'"

Richard: "It does sound good, but it's going to be hard to top television's other show about a well-endowed man: HBO's Hung."

For cinematic thrill-seekers who aren't afraid to venture beyond Marmaduke's multiplex fart jokes, The Human Centipede, this year's most controversial cinematic provocation, has arrived at KC's Screenland for special late-night screenings. The Pitch offers this succinct plot description (which those with weak stomachs might want to skip):

"The plot: A German doctor has captured some luckless tourists with the goal of surgically attaching them, mouth to rectum, to make a single, not very efficient digestive tract."

Richard: "I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather watch Sex and the City 2."

Chip: "Will this be as enjoyable as the '2 Girls 1 Cup' video?"

Richard: "I also have a sick feeling that I'll see some fucking hipsters portraying The Human Centipede at the Replay next Halloween."

And Sunday brings us MTV's movie awards, which throws all notions of film-as-art out the window and offers nominations in categories such as "Best WTF Moment" (this year's nominees in that category include Megan Fox's projectile vomiting in Jennifer's Body and Bill Murray's surprise cameo in Zombieland.

Richard: "If Bill Murray doesn't win this, there is no justice in MTV's Movie Awards."

But who are we rooting for in the "Best Kiss" category.

Chip: "OMG! I'm for Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in Twilight: New Moon, of course."

Richard: "I'm for Stewart and Dakota Fanning in The Runaways, but how did Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer's Body get left out here? I have beat off to that scene so many times."

Happy viewing, readers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYr5LayQaqs&feature=related

Friday, June 4, 2010

Richard Attends a Sexy 80's Dance Party in the Oread Inn's "Cave!" / Box-Office Pick of the Weekend!

The consensus among Larryville liberals is that the new Oread Inn is an outrageous bilght on the bucolic landscape which deserves to be constantly graffittied with "SHOUT PEACE!" But what really goes on inside this preposterous eyesore?

Last night Richard found himself downstairs in the Griffith Room enjoying an academic lecture which consisted primarily of looking at pictures of Annie Lennox and Duran Duran. A bar was open near the room's entrance, immediately making this the greatest lecture of all time, no matter its subject. After the event culminated with a screening of KD Lang videos, each guest was given a drink ticket and ushered deeper into the building's vast, labrynthine bowels ("The Cave") for an 80's dance party in which full professors cavorted to Michael Jackson songs while others (Richard) looked on as if he were watching animals in a zoo.

But who attends "The Cave" on a normal night when it hasn't been rented out by 80's-obsessed academics making a career of nostalgia (to paraphrase an idea from DeLillo's White Noise)? Is the dancefloor normally inhabited by sorostitutes who totter (charmingly) over on high-heels after an evening of "pre-partying?" Or is it simply full of KU alumni in town for sports events and fundraisers? These questions linger, but Richard left last night's festivities vowing to return at least once more to bang a sorostitute (or possibly cougar) in one of the Inn's no-doubt swanky suites.


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The boys love all movies that involve talking CGI animals, and this weekend's Marmaduke should be no exception.

The AV Club review begins in this manner: "It’s tempting simply to note that director Tom Dey bookends Marmaduke with fart jokes, and leave it at that."

Chip: "Opening with a fart joke is a bold move. Normally, a director wants to build up to that level of hilarity. This suggests a film that is fully confident in its material. And look at Marmaduke in the photo below. He's wearing sunglasses! He thinks he's people!"

Richard: "I hear this is William H. Macy's finest work since Wild Hogs."

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Heartwarming Photo of the Week / Hipster Pick of the Day

With America in the midst of an ever-worsening environmental disaster and Larryville in the midst of ever-expanding athletic department misdeeds, let's take a break today and enjoy a photo that offers some hope for our culture.

Insane Clown Posse is easy to laugh at, sure, with their legions of painted followers and their seeming inability to understand basic scientific concepts ("Fucking magnets, how do they work?"), yet something remains wonderfully touching about the strong community bonds of the Juggalos and Juggalettes. Take a look at this photo from the Pitch's slideshow of ICP's recent Memorial Hall show in KC.
From this glimpse of a pregnant Juggalette (and her friend, Stoner Bitch), it's easy to envision the happy childhood that's surely in store for her child, who will no doubt be raised as an adorable little painted clown baby and nursed on grape Faygo (the ICP drink of choice).





















Chip: "I'm alerting Child Services as we speak."

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We're connoisseurs of silly hipster band names, and a good one arrives at the Replay tonight: Pocahaunted. The ladies of Pocahaunted proclaim themselves the "Olsen twins of blissed-out drone rock" (interweb). Get your drone on here:

http://www.myspace.com/pocahaunted


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

This Week in Sports / Local Fundraiser of the Week

Readers, there's no avoiding sports stories this week in Larryville. Last week's ticket scandal and blackmail stories have now given way to accusations about The Man himself, Big Lew, who finds himself accused of accepting inappropriate gifts. Many, including local sports opinion writer Tom Keegan, seem to feel it's only a matter of time till Lew must go (despite Lew's repeated insistence: "I'm the victim.").

Let's see how the talkbackers feel.

equalaccessopportunity says: "This is all a putrid southern-justice game administrative wrongdoers at KU like Lew Perkins and those despicable monsters over in the KU Human Resources Department play all the time, and too often it works. Criminalize truth-telling, decent people while you robbber barons with the dirty cops and Douglas County criminal injustice system crooks in your pocket so willing to collude with you and hide your lies walk free and ruin the ethical standing of the community."

Richard: "I only understand about 20% of that rant, but I like the angry tone."

Elsewhere in sports news, word arrived yesterday that Larryville's KU/K-State football game will occur not on a Saturday but on the Thursday of Fall Break. As always, the primary concern of local football fans (as evidenced in the talkbacks) is not the game itself, but rather how much alcohol can be consumed before, during, and after and how a Thursday evening game will affect said consumption.

But the LC prize for best comment goes to "twobigones":

"Perkins announced that tickets at the 50 yard line were only going for $123,000 each. He also said these tickets could be purchased through special ticket handling agents located at the Days Inn in Lawrence and several nearby cities, knock three times and lewie sent me."

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A group of local chefs are hosting the first annual "River City Cook Off" this Sunday at Abe and Jake's to raise money for cleaning the polluted Kansas River: "They'll be competing for the "Catfish Trophy" by preparing two to three dishes for the crowd. One dish must be vegetarian and one must include local ingredients" (LJ-World).

The flier for the event, featuring a knife-wielding catfish, is certainly pretty apt: eating a catfish from the Kansas River WILL almost certainly kill you.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Rusc.n Returns (With Kickball Photos) / The LC's Guide to Summer Reading

The LC has recently been criticized by various readers as "boring" (Keith) and "severely lacking in titty" (Dr. X), but nonetheless we proceed onward, pursuing local news and hipsterism and other such items as tickle our fancy. To our critics, we say: Go write your own blogs which are perpetually interesting and full of titty, and we will gladly enjoy them.

Kickball season in Larryville kicked off on May 23, at least for most teams. Free State and AstroKitty Comics opted to shift their game to the next Thursday so they could stay home and watch the Lost series finale, which created a bit of havoc in the rankings, as we see here from the official Kaw Valley Kickball blog: "Alright, our first week of kickball is in the books…almost. I would have picked at least one, and maybe both of the teams playing Thursday night for the Top 15, but they will not be considered for Week 1. Only teams that choose kickball over television are eligible for the rankings!"

A. Rusc.n was on hand to cover opening night of the season, and she has just now posted her photos to Lawrence.com (why does it take so fucking long?). We'll consider two representative photos.

In the first, a lady player showcases her beer belly, which is a badge of honor in the kickball world and is thought to contribute greatly to kicking prowess:















The next is merely a player enjoying an ice-cold Hamm's and looking like a candidate for the popular site "Hipsters Have to Pee." We believe that the hippest of kickball hipsters prefer Hamm's to PBR. And the hippest of all kickball hipsters prefer cans of Modelo. (Chip: "I wonder if her nose ring ever gets caught on the pulltab of her beer can?").




















A free PBR or Hamm's or Modelo can goes to the first reader who names any of today's featured hipsters and the teams they play on.


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Throughout most of the year the boys are immersed in profound and heavyweight reading material (Richard: "One of these days I'll finish Bolano's 2066!"), but in the summer they enjoy taking a break and reading books that are full of vampires, zombies, and girls with dragon tattoos.

Our current preferred poolside reading is Christopher Farnsworth's Blood Oath, the tale of "Nathaniel Cade, the president's vampire, [who] swore to fight on the side of President Andrew Jackson and all his successors. In the present day, Zach Barrows, a rising political star caught canoodling with the president's daughter, suddenly finds himself training to be Cade's handler after tough, wise special agent William Griffin retires. As they try to stop Cade's old nemesis, Dr. Johann Konrad, from creating an army of Frankensteinian monster soldiers, they uncover a deeper government conspiracy."

Chip: "The canoodling parts give me a boner."

Here's one of our favorite lines of dialogue:

"Forget the War on Terror, Zach. This is the War on Horror. And you’ve just been drafted.”

Richard: "There's coming a day, and it may be soon, when I abandon this blog entirely and begin work in earnest on one of these kinds of preposterous novels, simply in order to make a shocking amount of money. I'm thinking of a contemporary piece in which the president joins forces with Godzilla and perhaps a horde of benevolent zombies to combat an environmental catastrophe modeled on the Gulf oil spill."

Pick up Blood Oath at a bookstore near you (it's soon to be rocketing up the bestseller lists).