Monday, May 31, 2010

A Brief Visit to the Boys' Country Corner

Most of you are no doubt at the pool or lake or beach today so let's take a look an an appropriate country song: Brad Paisley's "Water."

Through a series of wonderfully precise images, Paisley charts his lifetime "love affair" with water, beginning with an inflatable pool "full of dad's hot air" at three years old and proceeding through a rope swing on a river bank and a trip to Daytona Beach during Spring Break: "Eighteen girls up on stage / White t-shirts about to be sprayed /With water." (Chip: "Note how he adds the phrase 'with water' at the end to make sure we know that he isn't talking about something dirtier, such as 'sprayed with semen.'").

The song ends with a tender scene between a man and woman on the beach:

"You can stay right there
When the daylights gone
Play truth or dare
And it wont take long
'Fore you and her got nothin' on
But water."


Richard: "Lovely song, but I wonder if the Nashville floods and the Gulf oil spill have dampened his 'love affair' with water at all?"

Chip: "And should we really be encouraging people to fuck in the ocean right now given all this oil?"

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Masturbate-a-Thon is Today / This Week in Local Sports Scandals: Blackmail!

Obviously, you bums are too drunk during Memorial Day to pay attention to what's going on here, but hopefully you won't forget that today is the Masturbate-a-Thon, the climactic (!) ending to National Masturbation Month. The boys have been too busy beating off to organize a local celebration like the many being held across the country (although Chip is said to be participating later in a small circle-jerk outside Quinton's), but luckily the interweb can bring all the action to you. According to the official Masturbate-a-Thon website, you can watch the events live later today:

http://www.masturbate-a-thon.com/home.html

So please tune in, readers, and maybe you'll learn some new techniques (Chip: "Such as the counter-clockwise swirl.").

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Local conspiracy theorists believe that Athletic Director Lew Perkins' new allegations (that he's been a perpetual victim of blackmail) are simply a smokescreen to divert attention from KU's embarrassing ticket scandal. Other local talkbackers believe that Big Lew has been sticking his "crooked wanker" in the wrong places (perhaps with porn star and KU fangirl Sammy RyRy). We'll give the snarky talkback comment award to "thebcman":

"somebody probably had pictures of him doing something in the best interest of the university and threatened to release them."

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Another Touching Visit to Larryville's Craigslist! / Rap Pick of the Day

Readers, we've become fascinated by the lonely souls lingering in the "missed connections" section of Larryville's Craigslist (perhaps because we sympathize with them: so many Q's waitresses have come and gone from our own lives over the years without so much as a blowjob or a goodbye).

Today's excerpt takes us to Free State Brewery on a recent Monday night:

"I apologize for not being able to talk more—Free State is so ridiculously loud and when everyone on every side is yelling at everyone else on every other side . . . well, you know. I would have excused myself when you left but I missed my window. My bad. It's not often I meet a cute girl who's in to what you're in to, mastering what you're mastering, or know who Cornelius Agrippa and A.E. Waite are. If you happen to stumble upon this, you should contact me (if you'd like, of course). And if you do, would you mind mentioning that thing you're in to I alluded to? so I know you're you? Thanks. Otherwise, it was a pleasure meeting you."

Chip: "A quick Google search reveals that Agrippa and Waite are occult writers, and I believe the logical conclusion here is that these two seemingly charming Free State beer drinkers are actually into human sacrifice or some other such sick Satanic shit. Don't panic, though. I've alerted the authorities already."

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If you want to be in a local rap video (and who doesn't?), head to the Granada tonight where Top City's Stik Figa will be shooting a video for Figa's new single "Whudupwidit!"

In the meantime, rewatch Spence's "All You Hipsters" on Youtube to remind yourself just how great a local rap video can be:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TueHlDY5JZo


Friday, May 28, 2010

Larryville Has "Beaver Fever!" / Anna Undercover Has a New Blog Entry

Yesterday's LJ-World "save the beavers" story is currently the most popular in terms of LJ-World talkbackers, who consist primarily of three types: (1) those who desperately want to save the beavers; (2) those who think the desperate attempts to save the beavers are pretty frivolous; and (3) those who can't resist contributing some hilarious sexual innuendoes involving "beavers."

Omnipresent talkbacker Barry Penders says:

"A new SLT [South Lawrence Trafficway] with 'Beaver' blockers would eradicate the plight of 'Beavers'.

Stimulus, Hope n Change For Beavers, and Posercare live unprecedented

Darwin bless us"


---

Our favorite local stripper Anna Undercover is back in action with a new entry called "Secrets, secrets are so fun" in which she professes to be surprised when one of her club's loveliest strippers discovers the "secret" of her blog. Anna, the fucking thing is on the open web and linked to the LJ-World! The entry is notable, however, for another reason: it provides our first-ever glimpse of Anna. Well, actually just her foot, along with this strange caption:

"A picture of my (happy) foot from last night, because I can't post a smile for you. (I'm a ninja; sorry! Also: Shoes purchased by a happy customer, and worn proudly all night)."

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Boys Consider Local Beavers / Also: Sex and The City 2 and Style Scout

No, readers, we're not embarking on our own version of Hustler's "Beaver Hunt" (not today anyway) but rather considering a current environmental catastrophe happening right here in Larryville. Last Friday, Douglas County Public Works removed a beaver dam in the wetlands, which caused water levels to drop in the north wetlands, which caused a bunch of beavers to try and cross 31st Street into the southern wetlands, which led to a bunch of beavers being crushed on the roadway. Outraged Haskell students took to the street yesterday afternoon in a protest with signs reading "Honk If You Have Beaver Fever." (Chip: "I honked because I misunderstood the sign. I thought it meant 'Honk If You Enjoy Pussy.'").













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Sex and the City 2 opens today (on a Thursday, for some reason? perhaps because Thursdays are often used for 'girls' nights out'). "Feminists" across the land are expected to flock to theaters once again in a powerful show of 'girl power,' conveniently ignoring the fact that the movies suggest that women's lives are defined entirely by men and clothing (specifically: shoes).

Most critics have savaged the film, but NPR columnist Mia Mask takes a decidedly more favorable approach with these outrageous claims:

"It's hard to miss that this film is making gentle fun of itself, of the franchise's materialism, even of its own cinematic allusions. A romp through classical Hollywood genres, SATC 2 serves up beautiful vistas straight out of Lawrence of Arabia; its carnivalesque sensibility comes from romantic comedies of remarriage like It Happened One Night, and larks about irreverently adoring couples like The Thin Man's Nick and Nora Charles; and the high glamour, lavish production design and double-entendre-laced dialogue would make old Hollywood proud."

Richard: "I assure you that almost everyone who sees the film today is completely capable of missing every one of those 'cinematic allusions,' if in fact they exist in the first place."

Chip: "The truth of the matter is this: if films like It Happened One Night could have gotten away with dildo jokes in their era, they certainly would have. This is the inevitable culmination of the classic Hollywood rom-com and it should be celebrated by all of us, especially men, because (a) it gets our significant others to quit their yapping and leave us alone for a few hours while they see the film with their friends and (b) gets us laid when they return home because apparently women are turned on by shoes and gay men."

---

Today's Style Scout is dull, but we'll consider it anyway since it can be connected with today's debut of Sex and the City 2. Becca Raynes, 26, describes her style as "indie-sophisticate," loves 'jeggings,' dislikes 'man-dals,' and believes that Sarah Jessica Parker is a 'fashion icon.'"

Readers, is he she stylish, or isn't she? And who would you rather bone: Becca Raynes or SJP?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Guest Columnist Dr. C's Ode to Female Masturbation / This Week in Local Sports Scandals

So moved was he by our recent coverage of National Masturbation Month that our old friend Dr. C took matters in hand (get it? get it?) and...penned this lovely "memoir" in which he reflects on the work of Joycelyn Elders and uses the phrase "a thousand gushing orgasms." Please enjoy, and if any of you silent and sexy lady readers are moved to submit graphic accounts of your own masturbatory fantasies or experiences, feel free. (Chip, please do not submit tales about beating off behind campus shrubbery). Here's Dr. C:

"The Examiner piece quoted earlier about the origins of Masturbation Month says it began in 1995, which may be so, but the controversy over Elders broke earlier--I remember it well. I had recently left the Colorado School of Mines (in no small part because there were no girls there) and transferred to the Denver campus of the University of Colorado. One day, before heading to class, I finished my tea while reading the newspaper and came across an article which was characteristic of the response to Elders' statement about masturbation. The article was focusing on a book she had recommended for school-age girls, and, having to be exceedingly vague the way a newspaper would have to be on this subject, it said that the book described "secret masturbation techniques" that a woman could practice anywhere and no one would know.

I was completely blown away. I had thought masturbation was something women only did in pornos (I remember this particularly fine one where a young woman is doing it with a long, slender candle (my obvious point of entry into the narrative), then gets caught by her mother, who first shows her how to do it better, then introduces her to this young stud whom they both do instead. But I digress). Now, not only do I learn that real women masturbate, but that they could be doing it in secret. All the time. I looked at the clock, realized I was late for my bus, but I could barely walk, let alone run, so I missed it. The next one came along, and I got on, and a woman adjusted herself in her seat and I thought, "She's masturbating!" I made it to class, but it was so hard to focus because every woman in the class was masturbating! And when I got out of class, I went downtown just before lunch hour, and it was a delight. The city pedestrian mall was full of young, professional women. Pencil skirts and jackets, white blouses gappy around their breasts. And the clickety-clack of their sensible heels on the concrete was the sound of them working themselves slowly, inexorably, into a thousand gushing orgasms.

I am sure that Joycelyn Elders' advocacy of sexual education has helped innumerable women to help themselves, an invaluable service to be sure, but what I thank her for is that boner-filled day in 1994, and all the boners I have enjoyed since at the thought that any woman, any where, at any time, could be masturbating."



---

As we write this, KU is poised to release the results of a major investigation into athletic ticket shenanigans (press conference slated to begin right about...now!). Yahoo Sports offers this summary of the scandal:

"David Freeman, a Lawrence real estate developer who said he participated in the scheme, told Yahoo! Sports that he, former Kansas director of ticket operations Rodney Jones and high-profile alum Roger Morningstar – the father of Jayhawks guard Brady Morningstar – were following the instructions of the Pump brothers when the trio made hundreds of thousands of dollars scalping tickets during the 2002 and 2003 NCAA tournaments."

Richard: "Is there any way we can blame this chicanery on Big Lew or Joe College? Otherwise, I'm supremely uninterested."

Chip: "If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: NEVER listen to the Pump brothers. Look at them:

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Facebook Group of the Week / Pitchfork Reviews Sleigh Bells' Debut Album / Masturbation on Broadway

Thanks to a tip from Lawrence.com, we're now proud members of the Facebook group known as "MAN !!!! LOOK AT THIS THING I SAW IN A LAWRENCE, KANSAS ALLEY !!!" in which members post pictures of weird shit they discover in local alleys. In addition to the fascinating alley discoveries, the group also allows us to discover and "friend" new members of Larryville's bohemian, dumpster-diving community, largely centered around the Eastside (naturally, our good friend Robert Coffm.n is a prominent member of the group).

Here's a particularly odd recent picture from the group:





















Richard: "It's going to be a proud moment for me when I upload my first alley discovery to this group!"

Sign up here and join the 1090 other members who are currently wandering the alleys taking pictures of graffiti and dead animals.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=123808234301081


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The newest boy/girl hipster buzz band is Sleigh Bells (out of Brooklyn, of course). But this is no twee Transmitten-y kind of band, readers, but rather a band that will rock your face off. How much does Pitchfork love them? A very high 8.7:

"Once in a while a record comes along that makes you re-think loud: King of Rock; The Land of Rape and Honey; Nation of Millions; Super Ae; I Get Wet; Kesto. Setting aside the quality of the material-- there are classics here, along with albums I never listen to anymore-- these albums are notable for me because the first time I heard them, music just seemed bigger than it had before, like it took up more space and hit with more force and went further than once seemed possible... I'm adding another record to my list..."Rill Rill" takes the immortal acoustic guitar bit from Funkadelic's "Can You Get to That", blows it up to Hollywood blockbuster size, and loops it along with clicking percussion as Krauss sings what may prove to be the pop earworm of the year, the kind of tune you'd swear you were singing over and over to yourself years ago.

Richard: "Okay, okay, I'm sold. I'm going to listen to these fucking songs now. Join me here if you like:

http://www.myspace.com/sleighbellsmusic

Nigel Tufnel: "These go to eleven!"

---

The boys love the theatre, and their pick for best play of the year is Sarah Ruhl's In the Next Room, or the Vibrator Play (and yes, it is nominated for Play of the Year...make sure to watch the Tonys on June 13th). The play is "set at the dawn of the age of electricity in the 1880s. Back then hysteria was a real diagnosis, and women were commonly treated with electrical stimulating machines to ease their condition."

Richard: "I think we're all familiar with Chekhov's famous statement that any time a gun is introduced in the first act of a play, it must be fired in the last act. I assume the point holds true of a vibrator as well: if it's introduced early in the play, it must be masturbated with later."

Chip: "I've often said that every play should involve a vibrator, or at least a dildo, which makes for a hilarious sight gag. That said, this particular play barely gives me a boner and I wonder why we aren't continuing to talk about this weekend's Masturbate-a-Thon."

Monday, May 24, 2010

Local Fans React to the LOST Finale! / Concept Album of the Week / Masturbation Month Coverage Continues!

Richard, drunk on Dharma beer, cried throughout last night's emotionally wrenching two-and-a-half hour series finale (especially when the dog reappeared...holy shit!). At the end, he pronounced the experience "rewarding and resonant" (then promptly forgot about it and went back to watching the greatest show currently on television: Breaking Bad).

Elsewhere in Larryville, local doctor Cl.thier was unimpressed, and submits this lengthy rant comparing the series to 90210 (Warning: this rant contains minor spoilers...just a warning to those of you who are currently wandering around Barcelona with a drunken Captain Chanute):

"You know, the actual episode might have been good, but in the context of the entire series, it was a complete and utter non sequitur. That could have been the ending to Saved by the Bell, Friends, or Full House. "We all die." Thanks, Christian, where I would be without you, Darlton, and the "big answers." It's all about the characters - I get ... See Moreit. But if that's the case, don't make up a whole "mythology", tell everyone "science will prove it", then in the end abandon it for a sideways purgatory story that could have happened regardless of the island crap. In some purgatory world, Dylan McKay is married to Brenda, but Mr. Walsh is desperately trying to get him to "let go" and be with Kelly. It's all very riveting, and best of all, really just about the "characters" and the "big questions", not stuff like, "How did Brandon get off of the alien ship?" or "Where did David Silver learn to start earthquakes by himself?" or "Has the space between Donna's breasts ALWAYS been used as a runway, or did that just start after her enhancement?" or "Do the KEG brothers finally win Homecoming with the Alpha house?" Like Sawyer's unreal purgatory self would say on leaving the office after a light night of writing mundane, imagined reports about people too stupid to get locked up in limbo (their limbo or just the plane people's limbo, well the plane people plus some and minus others), "Cop out."

Chip: "I spent last night watching CBS's Brooks and Dunn: The Last Rodeo special."

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If there's one thing the boys love it's a concept album. If there's two things, it's a concept album about robots.

Janelle Monae's new album, The Arch Android, is "a 70-minute, 18-track epic comprising two suites, each beginning with an overture, telling a futuristic story starring a messianic android" (Pitchfork).

Read Pitchfork's rapturous 8.5 review here and check out some tracks, including "Tightrope," featuring Outkast's Big Boi!

http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/14271-the-archandroid/

Richard: "I don't think there's any question that this is the best concept album about robots since the Lips' Yoshima Battles the Pink Robots and Rock Plaza Central's Are We Not Horses?, which is about robot horses who believe they are real horses."

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LC readers are known to masturbate at least twice as often as the readers of other blogs, so some of you will no doubt be participating in various Masturbate-a-Thon events during Memorial Day weekend as part of May's National Masturbation Month celebrations. Here's the mascot from the Portland, Oregon festivities, known as the Randy Eagle."














We also discovered an excellent on-line interview with Masonobu Sato, 2009's male winner for longest masturbation session (9 hours and 58 minutes).

Here are a few excerpts from the interview:

Was there any point you felt you couldn't go on? How did you get through those moments?

"Yes. Twice I felt I couldn't go on. I took great advantage of Japanese pornos as I prepared. Also I imagined many supporters in Japan including my girlfriend, family, co-workers etc...that I can't let them down."

Did you ever have an orgasm?
"Yes. I've come once in a halfway round. I continued masturbating without taking any rest or becoming flaccid then."

What does your family think of this achievement? Are they aware you are the world masturbating champion?
"Of course they know about the fact. They feel proud of me since last year's my victory, I think.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Lost Fans Speak Out as the Series Finale Approaches / The Boys Consider San Francisco's "Masturbate-a-thon!"

Readers, tonight's Lost finale is the Super Bowl for geeks (complete with a ridiculously long pre-show retrospective and late-night interviews with Jimmy Kimmel). Richard has spent his weekend roasting a wild boar for his Lost party (no polar bears were available...yes, that's a Lost reference...if you don't get it, watch the fucking Apprentice tonight with the rest of the "normal" people).

On-line fanboy speculation is at a fever-pitch right now, much of it concerning the concert Kate was about to attend at the end of last week's episode:

Maxwell's Hammer says: "If you can't put 2 + 2 together and figure out that the concert is Lil' Shepherd's piano concert, I have no idea how you've followed the show for 6 seasons. Maybe you're like those babies who enjoy playing peak-a-boo, who are genuinly surprised and amused that mommy's face magically materialized out from behind her hand which you didn't realize she was attached to."

But let us venture beyond the petty talkbacks today and check out a more eloquent critical appreciation of the series from the LA-Times:

"There is something always at work beneath the surface in this show, a kind of structural poetry that embodies its themes of coincidence and fate through parallel actions and mirror images, visual and verbal echoes across space and time and, lately, worlds. (I speak of the flash-sideways universe in which even the dead castaways are alive, and thriving, and which may allow the characters to have their happy endings.) These devices are the meter and rhyme of "Lost," and — with the rhythms of the actors and the colors of the island — they've kept the show kind of beautiful, even when it hasn't made much sense or has wandered into unprofitable cul de sacs."

Richard: "Exactly right."

Chip: "Sounds like a standard academic attempt to justify liking a schlocky show about smoke monsters and time travel."

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We reported yesterday about National Masturbation Month and our research into the subject continues to uncover important information, such as the existence of a May 30th event in San Francisco called the "Masturbate-a-thon," in which one can participate in numerous ways. Here's some info from the website:

Are you an Exhibitionist?
The daring can choose to become a masturbation porn star, showing all for our internet streaming cameras. The party will be featuring the kind of ribald fun to keep you wet and/or hard for hours. Sign up to masturbate live on-camera at the event in SF.

Are you a Voyeur?
You don't have to sign up as a masturbator to enjoy the event. Come as a spectator! To find out more about the cost, rules of respect or to reserve a space in voyeurs land, visit our spectator's page.

Attention Competitors
If you plan on challenging the World Record for Time you must be present by 10:30am PST to make the start.

Just want to Wank with others?
We also have spaces set up away from the cameras and voyeurs where you can masturbate with others. There are mixed gender, male only, and female only spaces.

Not Sure you want to be part of the live event?
You can join us by masturbating from home! Click here to find out how.


Chip: "I'll probably just choose the last option and masturbate from home. It will be a nice break from Chatroulette, but basically the same premise."

Richard: "I don't consider myself athletic by any means, but I think I could be a serious competitor in this event."

Honorable Reverend H: "This blog has really gone downhill while I'm out of the country, hasn't it?"

We'll leave you with a photo (courtesy of SFWeekly) of Team Lusty Lady, from last year's event, warming up before their participation:

Saturday, May 22, 2010

This Week in Sports News (Plus, Snarky Talkback Comment of the Week!) / Also: It's National Masturbation Month!

Former KU football coach Mangino finally packed his bags this week and headed off to Florida, leaving in his wake a trail of snarky on-line comments, such as this one:

The_Big_B says… "Put a giant Huggies on him, inside out, and have him swim in the Gulf and soak up all that oil."

Richard: "I'd like to hire The Big B as an LC writer. He's topical, hilarious, and has an appreciation for a classic fat-joke."

At any rate, the LC wishes Mangino well, and we may all wish he were back if Coach Gill's Praying Jayhawks can't win a few games.

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It has only recently come to the boys' attention that May is officially "National Masturbation Month," which "began in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation [due to her controversial pro-masturbation views] of then U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders," according to a piece from www.examiner.com. The piece contains some titillating stats, such as this: "The study showed women from 20- to 39-years old were the most enthusiastic masturbators, with women 18 to 20, and those over 40 masturbating less."

Chip: "What about men? I'd describe myself as a very enthusiastic masturbator, and quite skillful."

Since we only learned about the month-long celebration a few days ago, we plan to double our efforts for the rest of the month, and urge you to do the same! Enjoy your weekend, readers.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Is It Art, Or Isn't It? / Style Scout

A new exhibition in KC sounds so intriguing the boys may have to take an artsy road trip. Here are some excerpts from the Pitch's review of Tom Huck's woodcut prints:

"The image depicts various barbecue attendees engaged in killing, torturing and roasting small-town cops dressed up like the pigs that Huck clearly thinks they are. A topless woman astride one unfortunate tubby officer wields a chain saw over his head. A mischievous child torments a hogtied Buford T. Justice with a doughnut-baited fishing line. Grinning hayseeds devour meat and entrails while a fat, happy chef in a toque reading "KISS THE COOK" presides. The composition is draped in viscera, fat and gristle, strewn with sausage links and greasy, smiling faces."

Richard: "I also dislike cops. I'd vote art on this one if it wasn't for the title of the piece: Oinktoberfest."

Chip: "Is this woodcut literally 'draped' in sausage. If so, I'll vote art as well. Delicious art."

"Take "Late Night at the Racist Rectal Rally." Against a country landscape studded with flaming crosses, a Klansman mounts a woman in a Pickelhaube helmet, her legs entwined with a viper. A further entwining of racist iconography and sexual imagery: A Nazi woman is erotically asphyxiating her hooded partner from below with a noose. It's the persistence (and coupling) of race hatred across cultures and hemispheres. The image, like "Oinktoberfest," is so confrontational that it's easy to overlook the technical precision and confident style with which Huck executes his art."

Here's a taste of Huck's work (click to enlarge), a triptych called "The Transformation of Brandy Baghead." In case you're not sure, the work is "a bombastic, ghastly indictment of cultural narcissism, cosmetic surgery, corporate sponsorship and the amoral churn of reality television" (Pitch).



















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This week's Style Scout has (finally) appeared on Lawrence.com, so we'll leave you with a chance to comment on Casey Don Williams, 28, from "E-Town" (Emporia), a bartender at Teller's who is "into the sporty look, but I love diversity" and who says that he looks like "a cross breed of Jude Law and Brendan Fraser."

Readers, is he fashionable? Ladies, would you bang him?

Here he is, posing in front of some books:

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Hipsters Playing Air Guitar / Shocking Kansas Crime Story of the Week!

Since Lawrence.com is too lazy to post today's Style Scout in a timely fashion and since A. Rusc.n has apparently more-or-less retired from the local hipster photography scene, we turn today to a slideshow from Pitchweekly to find some hipsters for you to peruse.

Hipsters love air guitar competitions because they require even less actual talent than singing karaoke. Here are three photos from last week's air guitar night at the Jackpot.

We suspect this fellow is playing something off Nirvana's MTV unplugged set:





















And this woman? The Breeders, maybe?





















Some sort of complicated math-rock for this scholarly-looking hipster, no doubt.





















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Larryville's crime wave continues this week with armed robberies of Taco Johns' and a daring daylight heist at Maurice's clothing store, but the most shocking crime this week took place in another part of the state: Salina.

Here's the LJ-World headline:

"9 Year Old Punched, Has Puppy Stolen."

Yes, it seems that two older girls (15 and 18) in an SUV, hopped out, punched the young fellow, and stole his German Shepherd puppy. (luckily, it was recovered later).

Dr. X: "Salina bitches are the worst."

And from the LJ-World talkback, Tom Shewmon says: "At least the boy is learning from a very young age how women will treat him throughout life."

And Barry Penders, bewildering as usual, says:

"Whew! Thank goodness it wasn't an African American Government teacher like Sherry Lynn Davis that beat a 13 year old child.

Man those bullies that pick on children should be talked to.

Stimulus, PAD Bullies, and Posercare live unprecedented

Darwin bless us all."

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Sexy Ad of the Week / The Boys Discover a New Twee Band!

While perusing the recent "Taste of KC" insert in Pitchweekly, the boys stumbled across the following ad, which gave them a sudden boner:





















Chip: "If I'm not mistaken, 'taste our taco' is a clear euphemism for oral sex, right?"

Richard: "Sure. To me, this ad says, 'Enjoy a nice Mexican dinner AND go down on our waitresses."

Dr. C: "I wonder if quizzing the waitresses about 'post-cunnilingual osculation' would be more acceptable here than it was at Quinton's?"

Chip: "I'm still not sure that the problem was the subject matter but rather the fact that the waitress didn't understand a single word of your query."

Captain Chanute: "I don't think that the fratty boyfriends of Quinton's waitresses ever bother to go down on them, so it may have been more than just a matter of grammatical ignorance on her part."

Our feminist readers: "This ad practically ensures date rape since it promises that a woman's panties WILL 'drop' after a blueberry margarita."

Chip: "That's just insulting. What I'd do is sue the restaurant for false advertising."

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Readers, if you're looking for a new cute band in addition to the Transmittens, allow us to recommend...the Smittens! No, it's not a side-project (we wish!), but rather a band out of Burlington, Vermont with songs like "Magpies and Eccles Cakes." A recent album has been dubbed "a 14-song summer evening's worth of harmonised twee" (interweb). Listen to them here:

http://www.myspace.com/thesmittens

"Being nice is a political act." --The Smittens

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Hipster Pick of the Day / Lost Fans Speak Out!

We don't know a lot about Yourself and the Air (playing the Replay tonight), but what we do know is this:

1) Sometimes they wear masks












2) The St. Louis Riverfront Times says their sound is "quietly evolving, from a mix of bright guitar ringlets, glockenspiel noodling and Erick Crosby's angst-strafed vocal yelps to a fuzzier, hookier sound that makes their fusion of the Cure and Modest Mouse sensible, even danceable."

Richard: "I hate when bands try to evolve beyond 'glockenspiel noodling' in a sad attempt to make boring hipsters dance. Fucking sell-outs. Even so, I might attend the show just to see the masks."

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Fanboys rarely agree on anything, but they are all united in their opinion that last week's Lost origin episode was pure and utter shit ("Worst. Episode. Ever"). Will tonight's penultimate episode redeem the mess of this season or continue its slide into the kind of soul-crushing disappointment that will turn fanboys off of weekly "appointment" television once and for all?

Let's find out what's being said on AICN:

D.Vader says: "Last week, the Golden Cave, for all you assholes who think it was "magic", its the same damn energy that''s fueled the Island for the entire series! Its the same energy that healed Locke's back, cured Rose's cancer, got Sun pregnant, and threw Ben and Locke through time when they turned the frozen donkey wheel. Anyone who claims the golden gave is "magic" is really an idiot."

OceanWang says: "D.Vader jesus christ, you're aware that pseudo means false right? Because some people would call "false science" a type of magic. I'm seriously questioning whether you understand your use of the phrase pseudoscience. Are you 12 bro? Becuase I feel like you might be 12."

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Boys Consider the New York Times Bestseller List and Look at Some Sexy Miss USA Photos!

Readers, we were naive enough to think that the vampire fad of late might be fading a bit, but a quick glance at yesterday's New York Times Bestseller list reveals that the newest (book eight) in a series of vampire novels called "the Black Dagger Brotherhood" series is perched at #2 on the list. The Times refers to their author, JR Ward, as a woman who "spend[s] her days thinking about the acrobatic couplings of vampires" (Richard: "Who doesn't?"). Our interweb research reveals that the series "focuses on six vampire brothers and warriors who live together and defend their race against Lessers, de-souled humans who threaten their kind" and that it is especially popular among women (big surprise!) who love the intense sex scenes.

Luckily, there are excerpts on-line, so let's take a look at see if these scenes are boner-worthy:

"After Rehvenge's mouth performed some intricate f-bomb aerobatics, he put his hand in hers and they shook. “You drive a hard bargain, you know that," he said.

“But you respect me for it, right?”

“Well, yeah. And it makes me want to get you naked.”

“Oh...”

Ehlena flushed from head to toe as he slid off his stool and towered over her, cupping her face in his hands. “You going to let me take you to my bed?”

Given the way those purple eyes of his were shining, she was willing to let him take her down on the damn kitchen floor if he asked. “Yes
.”

Richard: "Why does everyone have an extra 'h' in their name? Aside from that distraction, Ward does seem to have a way with dialogue. It's easy to see Rehvenge's appeal to female readers in the way he maintains an appreciation of female authority ('You drive a hard bargain') despite his dominant sexual power."

Chip: "The excerpt leaves me wondering if he fucks her on the bed or the kitchen floor?"

Let's find out:

"All she knew was thick, pounding anticipation for what he was going to do to her...Rehv shut the bedroom door behind them, balanced his cane on the wall, and removed his sable coat...

Rehvenge paused.

And then shocked the crap out of her by kneeling before her.

As he looked up, he had a slight smile on his lips.

“Don’t you get it, Ehlena.” With gentle hands, he stroked down her calve and brought her foot forward, balancing it on his thigh. As he undid the laces on her cheapo Keds sneaker, he whispered, “No matter what you wear... to me, you will always have diamonds on the soles of your shoes.”


Richard: "The phrase 'thick, pounding anticipation' is very clever here, obviously meant to implant in female minds an image of the boning that Rehv is about to give Ehlena. But the informality of 'shocked the crap out of her' is a startling juxtaposition and, personally, takes me right out of the moment. I do like the bizarre reference to Paul Simon lyrics at the end of the passage, however, and certainly plan to read all eight books this summer."

---

A new Miss USA was crowned last night, and this year's pageant has been especially controversial. The pageant was in the news last week because a series of black-and-white "glam shots" on the pageant's website were deemed too racy by many. Obviously, we disagree. Take a look at Miss Minnesota and tell us that's not "art."


















You can see the full photo shoot here:

http://www.missuniverse.com/missusa/members/contestants

But a new, potentially more damaging, scandal has erupted this morning. Rima Fakhi, Miss Michigan, made headlines for being the pageant's first Arab-American winner, but that was quickly overshadowed by photos that emerged of her dancing on a stripper pole for a 2007 Detroit radio show's "Stripper 101" contest.















Chip: "I, for one, have always believed that the Miss USA pageant should incorporate a 'stripper pole' contest and see no harm in her behaviors of three years ago. I do, however, worry about crowning a possible terrorist as Miss USA."

Sunday, May 16, 2010

This Week in Local Crime (and Sports)! / Hipster of the Week!

Jamal R. Greene, defensive tackle, was immediately dismissed from the KU football team due to his involvement in an "alleged armed robbery" at Tuckaway Apartments a few days ago. Do the boys support Coach Gill's quick punishment?

Chip: "Certainly not. I thought this was to be a new 'warm and fuzzy' era under Gill, in which players were never punished but rather hugged and prayed over until they behaved properly."

Richard: "Agreed. Greene's behavior is just kids being kids. I like to think that Mangino would simply have applauded his hostility and found a way to channel it on the field."

On the LJ-World talkback, "Jbiegs" seizes a golden opportunity to slam everything Larryville-related:

"These players became a product of their environments. If they had been living somewhere other than Lawrence they would probably be studying in the Library right now. I highly discourage any student athlete who is thinking about attending KU from ever stepping foot in Lawrence. The stinch from all the hippies and homeless running around Mass St. should be reason enough to stay away. Just ask yourself...do I want to go to KU and listen to all that tree hugging nonsense....or do I want to go to a real University and get a real education. GO CATS."


---

Larryville's most mysterious band, White Flight, will soon be back in action with their sophomore album now that singer Justin Roelofs has settled back in town after a time spent touring Mayan ruins to record sound vibrations: "Right now, I understand that my whole progression as a musician has merely been to learn how to unlock sound vibration using my voice. This is what I've been moving towards all along." (Lawrence.com).

Roelofs, also a former member of legendary local band The Anniversary, has a long and storied history in Larryville. Remember the time he and the dude from Fourth of July and some other dudes you probably know staged a mock-protest when the McDonald's on 6th Street temporarily closed for renovations? (click to enlarge this classic Larryville photo!).
















Anyway, the LC is proud to reward Roelofs with our hipster of the week award, and we suggest that you enjoy this remix of White Flight's new single "Panther" by local band 1,000,000 Light Years (set to a montage of Jodie Foster's underrated Contact!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpZz1BT7Q8Y

And here's Roelofs and his girlfriend in New Zealand:

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Boys Check In With Local Stripper Anna Undercover!

It's been a long time since we showcased Anna's stripper blog because, frankly, it's been a little dull lately. We're not so interested in posts about strippers doing taxes. We tune in for the seedy business. Luckily, her newest entry explores the strip club practice known as the "human sacrifice," in which a bachelor is treated to a very rough spanking/whipping/ multiple lapdance from a bevy of strippers.

Anna defines the event for us early in her post: "a sacrifice [sak-ruh-fahys] is a theatrical act in which any and all male pride is surrendered at the stilettoed feet of a pack of beautiful, wild women." (Chip: "Thanks for the pronunciation advice, Anna. I always pronounced it with a long 'a' before.").

Anna describes the event as resembling a "human jungle gym" in which the strippers climb up the bachelor's body then "whoosh down" (often painfully) onto his lap:

"Hi, bitch!" our smiles say as we happily climb up past his face and whoosh down. Some girls just dance on the guy a little; others, however, stand over him, grab the pole, and pound him in the chest with our rock hard abs.Bam! Bam! (Some clubs ask you to be gentle). Bam! (But rough is more fun for me). Bam!"

Our feminist readers: "This is a revealing passage, with the silent thought of 'bitch' suggesting how the strippers have come to see themselves in the same degrading fashion as their male customers while convincing themselves the word is a sign of female power and solidarity."

Chip: "It also reveals that Anna likes the rough stuff."

The "sacrifice" commences in this fashion:

"Push-ups are next--while we're beating his butt with his own belt (and two others), or standing on him (naturally). They usually go pretty fast, but the slow ones taunt us--and live to regret it. (Or enjoy it. We've got to up our whipping skills for these guys. I love a good challenge at work). It can take a while to finish ("...Six! Seven! Eight! Eight! Eight!"), but we eventually make it to 10, and he's done... Only to crawl around the stage on all fours, of course!"

Our feminist readers: "Notice her delight (punctuated with the exclamation mark) in reducing the 'victim' to a dog-like status, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she is the real victim in this scenario, allowing the brief 'power' of the moment to obscure the fact that she is the one who is really being 'sacrificed,' night after night, to the unforgiving male gaze."

Chip: "I think this level of humiliation might wither my boner, but I guess I won't know until my own bachelor party."

Read Anna's full post here:

http://www2.ljworld.com/weblogs/anna-undercover/2010/may/11/anna-undercover-human-sacrifice/

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Boys Consider Graduation Weekend

Readers, graduation weekend has arrived and the town is full of guests and activities. As for the boys, they usually devote the Friday night of graduation weekend to seducing sorostitutes' mothers at the Sandbar.

But there's also a new event in town tonight that might be of interest to some: for the first time, KU is adding a special graduation ceremony, the Lavender Ceremony, for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered students. In this ceremony, "instead of the typical academic robes and gowns, participants are encouraged to wear whatever they’d like." (LJ-World).

Chip: "I'll bet the costumes will be fabulous. Isn't that a gay word? Am I allowed to use that word?"

The announcement of the ceremony prompted the usual wave of homophobia on the LJ-World talkbacks, but most of the comments have been removed at this point, leaving only a few enraged frat boys there to bicker with the Larryville liberals:

ChiHawkInKS says: "I just want to be honored as a straight man... thats all. Where is my ceremony?"

Also in the talkback mix, as always, is "BarryPenders," the legendary and ever-present talkbacker who ends every post with a bitter "Darwin bless you all." We can rarely understand his thoughts, but we find him endlessly fascinating and want to meet him.

Barrypenders says:

"This sounds like PAD 'Profiling'.

But, that is the hypocracy of PADs. Mexican Lawbreakers are 'Profiled' out to break residency laws of the country.

C'est le vie for PADs.

Stimulus, PAD Hypocracy, and Posercare live unprecedented

Darwin bless us all"

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Grumpy Old Lady Editorial of the Week / Style Scout

Local retiree Judy Stuart is fed up with Larryville kids and their loud music and spicy foods, and she airs her opinions in today's LJ-World:

"I tend to eat where I know the menu, not some strange ingredients that I cannot pronounce. Spicy foods do not agree with many older people. Then, there is the noise, smoking outside before you can even get in the door, loud music and parking that is too far for the older people to walk safely. I would like comfort food that I know what I am eating. There is no Cracker Barrel with its wonderful gift shop within 45 miles of Lawrence. There is no place to get good fast food fish like Captain D’s. There is no Red Lobster or Olive Garden. There is no Bob Evans with its down-home food."

Chip: "I don't think anyone has ever articulated so well my exact feelings about the local restaurant scene."

Richard: "Agreed. If we had a Cracker Barrel, I'd eat there four times a week at least, although I believe she's wrong about the radius, as there are delicious Barrels in both Topeka and Olathe. She's certainly correct in that Captain D's is excellent, and, to my palate, far superior to Long John Silver's."

---

Today's Scout subjects don't have anything particularly silly to say (well, maybe the second one does), but we'll go ahead and take a look since you all love to slag off their sartorial opinions.

First up is Carol Malakasis, 22, a student in French and Italian, who is "very open-minded when it comes to fashion" and "like[s] big jewelry, oversize cocktail rings, and black and white color combinations." Her friends tell her she looks like Penelope Cruz.

Richard: "I wonder if she'd be very open-minded if I suggested a Vickie Christina Barcelona-type scenario. Perhaps our friend Keith, local French scholar, knows this lady?"





















Then there's Alex Anderson, who describes his look as "Carefree and comfy - like a feather pillow without the down" and believes that Larryville needs a piazza "so that everyone can get together from all walks of life." People tell him he looks like "a slimmer version of Jack Black."




















Readers, you know what do do? Are they fashionable, or aren't they?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Larryville's City Fathers Approve 16-Passenger Pedicabs! / Plus, It's Limerick Day!

Having apparently decided that smaller pedicabs are not quite awesome enough, city fathers last night approved the use of 16-passenger pedicabs. In an odd twist, however, these particular pedicabs will not be allowed to operate on Mass. Street, which would seem to be the logical destination for 16-drunkards in a foot-powered contraption. Are the boys excited?

Chip: "The city fathers will apparently not be satisfied until Larryville has a fucking pedi-Ark that takes up a full-city block and is filled with two of every kind of freak in the city."

Richard: "There are only two kinds of hipsters: those that prefer PBR, and those that prefer Hamm's."

---

Readers, did you know that May 12 is Limerick Day, which celebrates the birthday of Edward Lear? At the LC, we enjoy a good dirty limerick as much as the next person (Chip: "It's so easy to rhyme words with 'fuck.'").

Here's a nice one for you:

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini


(source: interweb).

But what we truly prefer are haikus, whose short form is perfectly suited to lazy hipsters. Indeed, we often finding ourselves turning to the fine work collected in Siobhan Adcock's Hipster Haiku, such as this:

Hand-rolled cigarettes
You call everything “po-mo”
I think I love you


We'll happily buy a PBR (or Hamm's) to the person who submits their best hipster limerick or haiku in the comments (they must be hipster-related). Come on, poets, reveal yourselves! Here's ours:


The Transmittens coo
sweet songs of sparklemittens
Cow clouds make us smile.



Please order your copy of Hipster Haiku today:

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Hero of the Week / Lost Fans Speak Out

Occasionally at the LC we like to profile citizens who are making a difference in Larryville. Most recently we saluted the dude who saved Free State Brewery from the terrifying, railroad-spike-wielding transient known only as Horse Shit. This week we turn our attention to a more subtle story.

Two separate power outages plunged downtown Larryville into chaos yesterday, leaving citizens concerned as to whether they could procure their daily necessities (such as Dempsey's "Central Soy Tofu burger with pickled onions & asparagus topped with tomato aioli") in a timely fashion from darkened businesses.

Luckily, one enterprising young hipster baker at Wheatfields made sure none of his customers had to wait long for a delicious loaf. Josh Hilliard donned a head lamp from his bike kit and went right on baking, gaining him a front page photo in today's LJ-World:











Our Rustic Italian Round tasted more delicious than ever yesterday, Josh. Fine work!

---

Last week, Lost decided to kill off half its cast. And, after tonight, only two episodes remain before geeks across the world must deal with a huge void in their lives that can only be filled by...some other form of sci-fi or supernatural geekery. Tonight's much-anticipated episode, "Across the Sea," is purportedly set in 23 AD and details the origins of good and evil on the island. Fanboys tend to fall into two camps regarding this episode: (a) it will successfully cement the show's status as a groundbreaking work of television art or (b) it will once and for all "jump the shark" and prove we've all wasted the last six years of our lives.

AICN fanboys seem to be spending most of their time right now debating last week's teaser for tonight's episode:

Hardboiled Wonderland says: "I can make out Jack through the bushes. Sawyer's hair and stance is instantly recognisable. And that's Sayid yanking the spear out of the boar. But how the hell did Ilana Verdansky survive being blown to bits by the dynamite? Does this mean Arzt also survived? And does this mean Smoke Locke wasn't lying when he told Sawyer he could bring Juliet back to life? " He also queries: "Where did the metal wreckage come from to trap Sun??? I've freeze-framed that scene endlessly, and I still can't work out where that metal wreckage came from and how it managed to weld itself against the sub's frame trapping Sun perfectly."

Richard: "I'm a bit of a geek myself, sure, but the only thing I've ever 'freeze-framed' endlessly on Lost is Kate's titties."

Monday, May 10, 2010

Larryville's New Headquarters of Hip! / Another Visit to the Larryville Craigslist

Perhaps more than anything else in town, Larryville's "student-run radio" station KJHK helps keep us hip. Last week, "KJ" (as hipsters call it, because they are too lazy to pronounce all four letters) moved from its long-time home in the Shack to a sparkling new location on the second floor of the KU Union, where it's possible to walk by and observe the hipster DJ's in their natural habitat (and probably harder for them to hide their weed and PBR's).

The Pitch's Nick Spac.k reports on the final minutes of the old KJ and the first minutes at the new:

"The last song played was the Soft Boys' "I Wanna Destroy You," followed by a chorus of goodbyes, courtesy of a Simpsons clip. Roughly two minutes later, the station was back on the air from the Kansas Union, with a chorus of DJs announcing the switchover. The first song played? Appropriately, it was "This Is Radio Clash."

Richard: "Didn't Simpsons quotes stop being hip somewhere around Season Eight?"

Chip: "I think the DJs are going to find it a lot harder to deny my requests for Justin Bieber tunes when I'm standing with my face pressed to the glass, watching them and judging them."


---

Our weekend readers may know that we've started a new series (inspired by a defunct Lawrence.com idea) which examines Larryville's Craigslist listings. Here's a touching "missed connection" from the site:

"We met last Thursday night at the Jackpot. You were in town from Salina. You're taller than me, and I have dark hair and a beard. You are burly and manly. You showed me your dick in the bathroom, and then you came home with me and stayed the night. It was fucking hot. I want to see you again. Come back to Lawrence. Get in touch."

Chip: "I think the showing of the dick is a common courtship ritual but perhaps less acceptable in the heterosexual world, as witnessed by the Collins' elevator incident. Also, I'm glad I didn't happen to be in the Jackpot bathroom at that time, because I wouldn't have known how I was supposed to react."

Richard: "You'd really think this poor sonofabitch might have managed to get the guy's name or phone number after a night together.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Boys Consider KFC's "Double Down" Sandwich

The boys have long lamented the fact that Larryville offers no other fast-food chicken franchises besides KFC, but luckily KFC's new "double-down" sandwich has given us a reason to start frequenting the Colonel again. Yes, we know we're a little late on this story, but somehow this delicious monstrosity flew under our radar for awhile. In case you're not familiar with it (and you East Side foodies may well not be), the Double-Down uses two fried chicken breasts as its "bun" and in between contains two slices of cheese, bacon, and "special sauce."

Chip: "I like it for breakfast with a side of gravy."

Richard: "Easily the greatest food innovation since the Bacon Explosion."




















And while we're on the subject of KFC, please take two and a half minutes out of your busy Sunday and watch Patton Oswalt riffing on KFC's "famous bowls":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfan5MacmsI



---

If you enjoy art, politics, fashion, and/or hilarious board games about prison rape, make sure to mingle with artist/designer John Sebelius (son of former governor Kathleen Sebelius) at his art opening, "Outcast," tonight at the Pig. John has been in the news recently due to his controversial board game "Don't Drop The Soap," which his website describes as follows:

"Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse's desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole."

Here's a link to his site, where you can purchase the game and check out John's clothing designs as well:

http://www.gilliusinc.com/dropsoap.html

And here's a picture of the board game. Your kids will always fight over who gets to be the "bag of coke!" Click to enlarge.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Is It Art, Or Isn't It? / Larryville on Craigslist

Larryville's Wonder Fair gallery welcomes a travelling collective of artists known as "Okay Mountain" to town with an exhibibition that begins this evening. Details are sparse, but we found a recent description of another one of their exhibitions called "Butter and Popcorn Go Together Like Kangaroos and Boxing". Please read:

"The show explores the relationships between butter, popcorn, kangaroos and boxing. These 4 items used as icons to create an entire theme-based experience...For the opening performance Andy Rihn will drown a stuffed kangaroo, over the course of the night, in popcorn. Eventually filling the closed garage door at Okay Mountain with fresh popped corn and the area with the aroma."

Richard: "I assume this is a commentary on how we exploit nature (making kangaroos box) for our own amusement (we are simply spectactors eating popcorn). Certainly, it's art."

Chip: "I assume this is just a goof in which the 'artists' have a good laugh about the fact that people take their work seriously no matter how fucking preposterous it may be. Still, I'd vote art if we were allowed to eat some of the popcorn."

---

For a brief but glorious time, Lawrence.com ran a column showcasing the best of Larryville-related Craigslist personals and "missed connections." Since it no longer exists, let's take it over. Here's a man-seeking-woman "missed connection" that will move you:


"I see you in Henry's all the time, and sometimes sit next to you.

You are a photographer, and I think that's sexy. Nothing more attractive than a big D90 and a beautiful smile.

Plus, black, thick framed glasses bring out my Cuomo sentimentality.

And, of course, you sing Grease songs with me, and that makes my life.

I think of you when i fall asleep at night.
Sometimes i think i can smell the waffle-cone scent of your hair between ebbs of sleep, loving the momentary vertigo in which i can imagine you next to me.

My life has a new degree of hope because of you.

If you know who this is, I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship.
This post is just something i had to do; a necessary catharsis for my pent up, overwhelming emotions.

Since I like a little shorty, i'm tryin' to put a ring on it. Uh, uh, oh."


Richard: "If it wasn't for the last line, this might well have gotten him laid. What kind of lady hipster photographer wouldn't fall for a Weezer-loving dude who thinks her hair smells like waffle cones?"

Friday, May 7, 2010

KU's "Undie Run" / This Weekend at the Box Office

Last night KU joined other colleges across the nation in hosting "undie runs" sponsored by Axe Body Spray, a competetion to see which campus can donate the most clothing to charity. Obviously, skipping a chance to see half-naked sorostitutes bounding down Jayhawk Blvd. like a herd of drunken and immensely fuckable gazelles is probably one of the dumbest decisions the boys ever made, but luckily you can find plenty of photos to peruse on-line in the privacy of your own home. Here's an especially interesting one (what's she doing with her hand!?) Click to enlarge and see if these might be your students.





















---

The official summer blockbuster movie season kicks off today with the release of Iron Man 2, and our boners' are at full alert at the prospect of Scarlett Johannsen in a skintight catsuit. But for those less geeky and horny, this weekend's box office also offers what's likely to a sleeper hit, a documentary called Babies which chronicles the first year in the life of four babies from around the globe (San Francisco, Mongolia, Namibia, and Tokyo). The consensus of most legitimate film critics is that it's (a) about like watching a full-length Youtube video of babies doing cute stuff and (b) damn near irresistible unless you're some sort of baby-hating monster.

Chip: "I found the white baby to be the cutest. Does that make me a racist?"

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Stop Day Eve and Style Scout

Readers, don't you love it when Cinco de Mayo falls on the day before Stop Day Eve. It's such a smooth transition between last night's tequila shots and today's Jagermeister. How many sorostitutes do you plan to bang tonight? (Chip: "Three, in a row." Richard: "Three, at the same time." Captain Chanute: "Just one, but an exceptionally slutty one.").

In the meantime, enjoy today's Style Scout subjects.

First up is Sarah Wertzberger, 29, who claims to have been "Bjork’s hand double in a Matthew Barney art film." (Readers, are they fucking serious about these claims they make?). Sarah's fashion influences are "Civil war re-enactors, Geronimo, people who have fun with what they wear and African prints" and she wishes that Larryville had more "secret swimming holes" and "Lawrence townie pride."





















Then there's Stephen Spacek, who was Scouted while "riding my fixed gear down Mass Street like a good townie." Spacek is a self-described "dirtbag" who "wear[s] lots of black band T-shirts and boot-cut jeans since I can’t fit my legs into “skinny jeans”; I wear Carhartt apparel in cold weather and overalls when I’m fishing."

Chip: "This looks like the kind of guy who fishes with dynamite."





















Ladies and gents, are they stylish, or aren't they?

[P.S: For those of you who are merely here for the conversation about having sex with robots, you can find it in the comments section two posts down from this one].

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Recent Concert Reviews

Happy Cinco de Mayo, readers! If there's one thing we love, it's holidays with absolutely no expectations other than getting filthy drunk (possibly while wearing a sombrero and engaging in a serious discussion about recent Arizona legislation).

In the meantime, however, let's take a look at the recent gig by Fucked Up at the Jackpot (which the boys did not attend, because they were scared, so we have to rely on the Pitch's commentary).

The review begins by summarizing a Chicago gig by the band--"Pink Eyes (Damian Abraham) chewed through a barrage of beach balls tossed to the stage, eventually wearing one as hat before stripping to his shorts to expose his beautifully formed potbelly"--before moving on to the Jackpot show: "The uncontainable Fucked Up frontman (the pun isn't intentional, though perhaps appropriate) often jumped into the crowd, at one point intercepting a crowdsurfer and carrying him deep into the bar. Just for kicks, he wore a crumpled up dixie cup as hat, then later as a hood ornament on his pale glistening stomach."

Chip: "I think this reviewer has some sort of fucked up (get it!?) belly fetish."

The reviewer concludes: "Fucked Up's brand of punk is often called artful, and the band is an ambassador of a new wave of smart hardcore."

Does this look smart to you, readers?















If you answered "no" to the above question, you're probably not hip.

Opening the show was the ever-present Rooftop Vigilantes, riding a wave of national buzz and poised to release their second album this summer on a label they won't yet reveal. Let's see what our favorite new local blogger from "Why Are There So Many Records in My Life" thinks about the Vigilantes:

"Zach is the Bob Pollard to Oscar's Tobin Sprout and they effectively made the last great GBV record...if GBV were from Lawrence and drank PBR instead of whatever lite beer was on tap. And was younger and were goofier. And I fucking hate the Lawrence music scene now. It's become this weird, out of control thing that I can't even grasp EXCEPT for Rooftop Vigilantes, who are effectively the only Lawrence band (other than Transmittens) who would be able to coax me out of my apartment and three blocks down to the Replay to see a show."

Check out his full gushing praise here:

http://recordsinmylife.blogspot.com/2009_12_01_archive.html

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Burger Stand Breaks Up With Dempsey's / Lost Fans Speak Out!

We made an important discovery yesterday at the LC. Our readers do not want to talk about local news and politics, nor hipster bands, nor art (especially not art). Our readers want to talk about...childhood lunchboxes. At any rate, thanks for your many enlightening responses and vulgarities. But today we must turn our attention to the downtown dining scene, so pack yourself a gourmet burger in your Transmittens lunchbox, fellow hipsters, and let's consider what's about to happen to Larryville's beloved Burger Stand.

Local chef/wizard Robert Kra.se's Burger Stand has become so associated with Dempsey's Pub of late that it's easy to forget that his little burger shack is simply an autonomous business which happens to be squatting inside a pre-existing bar. Yesterday's announcement that the Stand would soon be packing up and moving down the street to the old Casbah (right next to Krause's new Esquina) inspired a day of confusion and rumors on the LJ-World site. The talkback consensus seems to be that Kra.se attempted a coup to oust the owners of Dempsey's and control the whole northern corner of downtown with his sweet, sweet truffle-burgers. Many believe that Krause's burgers revitalized a dying pub and that its absence will probably destroy it. Others insist that Dempsey's will continue cooking burgers with more or less the same menu. Others worry that the new Burger Stand location will be beerless, and who wants a Kra.se-burger without a fine pint from Dempsey's good selection?

Here is our personal favorite exchange from yesterday's talkback:

pizzapete says: "I agree, way over rated. I would take a burger from Conroy's, Set em up jacks, Jeffersons, or Buffalo Wild Wings over them any day."

theruckus33 retorts: "and your favorite movie is "American Pie" favorite beer is Budweiser, favorite musician Nickleback and you love mma fighting.......yeah we get the picture."

At any rate, the Stand as you know and love it is still open for now, so head down for today's special as advertised on their Twitter: "Pistachio dusted lamb burger with kalamata tapenade and feta."

Chip: "What's a 'kalameta?' What's a 'tapenade?' Does my ignorance make me totally uncultured?"

Richard: "Of course it does, Chip. And I personally look forward to when Kra.se controls the whole 800 block of Mass. with one gourmet restaurant after another. I still think his next 'reinvention' should be pizza, but a pizza joint in which the slices are never cut into boring triangles but rather into trapezoids or rhombuses with the theory that the very shape of the slice affects one's palate in unexpected ways."

The Eastside foodies: "I'd go there every day."

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The May 23 series finale of Lost is fast approaching, and geeks are geeking out over news that tonight's episode, "The Candidate," will feature the death of a major character. But, as usual, the talkbacks are primarily concerned with smaller matters:


Chrispmcfc responds to MyNameIsDan: "Walt didnt make Polar Bears exist you mong, it was just foreshadowing by the writers."

Monday, May 3, 2010

Monday Flashback

On Monday, we like to reflect upon the strange shit we witnessed over the weekend, such as the man with the Empire Strikes Back lunchbox at the Replay last night. He was a member of a Missouri band called Bootheel, and after the band ripped through a fiery set of country-punk, this fellow hung around the patio drinking and carrying around the lunchbox rather daintily, not in an ironic fashion but much like an eight year old boy whose mother had packed him a nice lunch of PB&J with the crusts cut off. Richard (naturally) found himself wondering what was in this lunchbox. The guy's stash of weed, perhaps? CD's from the band? A fucking light saber? But the guy had a rather intimidating look. He was heavily tattoed, and from Missouri, and Richard imagined that any unwanted questions might lead to a lunchbox across the face, leaving your author with an impression of Yoda on his cheek. So he did not ask. But at one point he did overhear the man engaged in a nearby conversation about lunchboxes in which an older fellow fondly recalled his Man From U.N.C.L.E lunchbox and a woman recalled her Yellow Submarine lunchbox, to which the band member responded: "I'll bet that motherfucker is a collectible now."

At this point Richard suddenly remembered owning a Fall Guy lunchbox during his own childhood. Too bad he didn't have it with him at the Replay last night.

Readers, what lunchbox did you own?

Chip: "My Little Pony. Sure, it earned me a beating or two, but I thought those ponies were neat."

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Quantrill Rides Again?

William Quantrill's 1863 raid on Larryville remains a sore spot among local citizens, who were dismayed to learn recently that Charles Juba, a former member of the Aryan Nations, planned to open an under-21 club in Odessa, Missouri, called The Black Flag (named for the flag Quantrill rode under). In defense of Missouri citizens (and we never thought we'd write those words), the town's city fathers were also bothered by the idea (and have apparently successfully prevented the opening of the bar, according to recent reports). You can read an article from "The Odessan" at the link below, along with other important stories out of the community, such as this one about an escaped bull:

"Citizen alert! There is a black or dark brown bull running loose in the rural area south of Odessa, and people need to be aware.According to the Lafayette County Sheriff's Department, "bull sightings" have been reported several days this week, but so far, authorities have not been able to locate the animal and round him up. Also, no one has reported a bull missing. In fact, no one seems to even want to claim this particular bull."

Chip: "I think this is the legendary Missouri 'ghost bull.' We used to tell horror stories about this beast back in Forttt Scottt."

http://www.theodessan.net/newsodessa.html

In other Missouri news, it would be easy to make jokes about the state's recent $258 million dollar Powerball lottery winner, Chris Shaw, of Marshall, but we won't even bother, because it's like shooting fish in a barrel ("Which, by the way, is a popular activity in Missouri."--Chip).

Here's Shaw:

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Richard Attends the Replay's "Roller Races!"

KC's "premier bicycle roller racing" club, KC Sprints, took over the Replay patio last night, proving once and for all that hipster and redneck culture can successfully mingle so long as it's centered around an event that's sufficiently ridiculous and encourages massive PBR consumption. Indoor bicycle roller racing consists of two stationary bikes mounted on-stage, facing each other and hooked to machinery that monitors their speed, with a large screen broadcasting the racers' progress to a drunken, cheering audience. Participants included a fair amount of KC regulars such as Shipwreck (a tough guy), Puky McGee (a lady known for her propensity to throw up after her "sprints"), and Voltron (a child). But locals were encouraged to get in on the action as well: for a mere two dollars anyone in the bar could challenge anyone else to a "grudge match," and numerous Replay bartenders and doormen got in on the action. There were also "special" races throughout the evening, most impressive being the "shirtless beer race" (dudes only, sadly), in which the racers' chugged a beer during the sprint. Sure, the MC's arsenal of sexist and homophobic jokes may have shocked a few Larryville liberals at first (an audible gasp arose when he referred to the first two female contestants as "bitches"), but the crowd soon seemed to convince themselves that his comments were sufficiently ironic (they weren't) to be enjoyed as part of the spectacle. "This is uncouth," said the Honorable Reverend H. when Puky McGee lived up to her name, retching for the delight of the cheering masses. "I think we should go to the Bourgeois Pig." But Richard did not go to the Pig. Readers, he was riveted, and did not leave until the last race was run.

Four out of four PBRs (in bottles, which seems the preferred choice of KC cyclists).

Pictured: Puky McGee feeling queasy after a race; two racers in a photo finish.