Friday, April 30, 2010

This Week in Local Crime / Social Media Conference / Special Weekend Guest Column from "The Unknown Hipster!"

A quartet of local vandals found themselves caught on surveillance cameras this week as they graffitied buildings in downtown alleyways. We strongly encourage you to watch the video from the LJ-World website (address below).

Chip: "This crew is probably not smart enough to have masterminded the recent 'SHOUT PEACE' graffiti at the Oread Inn, but I think we should pin that crime on them anyway."

Richard: "These are budding young artists whose work should be encouraged. I hope, at the most, they are sentenced to a bit of community service working for the Percolator or Wonder Fair."

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2010/apr/29/lawrence-police-seeking-young-adults-caught-video-/

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And speaking of the Oread Inn, for a mere $295 you can participate in this weekend's social media conference being held there, in which "experts" will tell you how to get the most out of your on-line networking experiences.

Here's a photo from a conference presentation by Chris Brogan, author of "Social Media 101":











Richard: "I want my $295 back."

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The boys do their best to attend all "important" hipster events, but we can't be everywhere at once and we often can't be hanging out at the Jackpot at 1:00 a.m on a fucking Wednesday. Therefore, we occasionally employ special correspondents (paid in PBR or Hamm's) who infiltrate these events and give us the scoop we need. Here's a piece by someone calling him/herself "The Unknown Hipster" which documents this Wednesday's performance by everyone's favorite costumed hipster-collective Mammoth Life at the Jackpot. Thanks for your work!

"It's rare nowadays to find yourself at home at the Jackpot. Whateverthefuck is going on with the Jackpot's ceilings, for example, is not hospitable. The ceiling above the stage seems particularly inhospitable, what with all those chunks of sound-absorbing tile hanging down, nearly scraping whatever hipster band-collective happens to be on the stage (if, of course, the band members have already managed to miss banging into the handle of the projector screen that's also hanging down from the ceiling above the stage). But Mammoth Life considers the Jackpot to be their "home," as their garment (Chip: Costume. You mean "costume") designer explained to your reporter. That might explain the front-yard-sized potted plants -- two red-flowered shrubs and at least one cactus -- and a fake campfire of wood bolted to canned air blowing against a lighted swatch of orange cloth placed at the front of the stage. If you don't feel right at home with all that, you obviously need another PBR. Or four. And if that doesn't get your '89 Volvo engine revving, you'll surely feel at least welcomed and loved by the strings of red lights shaped into hearts that Mammoth Life have put on their amps. I just knew those motherfuckers wanted to give us all a big hug and boil some coffee for us on their fake fire.

Mammoth Life, for all their efforts at heart-warming, are incredibly morose on stage. All of the members -- a guy on bass, a guy on guitar, and a chick apiece on violin, drums, and keyboard -- keep their eyes on the ground and a frown on their faces. This works, mostly because it gives the crowd a chance to take in the prairie-themed garments (Chip: This is bullshit) for which ML have traded in the pompadour-meets-pirate outfits. The designer informed your reporter that each band member gets to make a choice about their clothes, which explains why the bassist got away with tuxedo-shirt ruffles on a cardigan while everyone else looked like they'd made their simple dresses and trousers from left over covers from the covered wagon where the band surely lives.

The audience was half in front of the stage and half at the bar, imagining themselves to be the disaffected survivors of Quantril's Raid. All the while, your reporter couldn't help but think that the Jackpot smelled ever so slightly of piss. When [he/she] expressed this concern to the garment (Chip: FUCK!) designer, he said, "Well, I'd like to get back to nature, so I'm starting to make dyes from my own urine. It's something that indigenous peoples have been doing forever."

And with that, your reporter put down the PBR and asked for a shot of vodka. The PBR looked too much like "dye."


Chip: "Enjoyable report, but I'm not sure it fully channels my voice. After all, I did not make a single boner joke!"

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Long-Awaited Return of the Boys' Country Corner / Style Scout / Local Rap

Number one on the country charts this week is Joe Nichols' "Gimme That Girl."

"Gimme the girl thats beautiful,
without a trace of makeup on,
barefoot in the kitchen,
singing her favorite song.
Dancing around like a fool,
starring in her own little show,
gimme the girl the rest of the world,
ain't lucky enough to know."


Dr. Richard: "What at first appears to be a narrator's noble attempt to restore some luster to the image of the 'average' woman soon reveals itself as a rather insidious, sexist endorsement of patriarchal country values at their worst. The 'barefoot in the kitchen' line immediately brings to mind the 'barefoot and pregnant' image of country women who are expected to remain home 'like a fool starring in her own little show' for a jealous husband's amusement: he is glad the 'rest of the world ain't lucky enough to know' his woman,' a clear reference to both her isolation and his contempt for an outside world that has rejected his values in favor of equality and liberation. For my money, this is as powerful a look at female entrapment as Ibsen's A Doll House, maybe moreso. And, despite my terminology, notice that the song's title character is always a 'girl,' never a woman.'"

Chip: "The informality of 'gimme' is itself a clever choice here, representing as it does both the man's sense of selfishness and entitlement as well as the fact that he's a country hick. Am I right?"

The newly-minted Dr. C(l.thier): "In many ways, Nichols' work makes for an interesting pairing with Roethke's poem 'My Last Waltz' in which a young boy 'dances' with a drunken father in the kitchen, oblivious to the abuse that's inherent in their rough-housing. In Nichols' update of these themes, the woman's childlike nature makes for an even more provocative look at how the nature of contemporary family hegemony remains perpetually unclear to those denied a voice. It is significant to note that the 'girl' of the title never speaks, but merely 'sings,' echoing a favorite song. Indeed, her whole life is an 'echo,' a never-ending shout of female oppression."

Dr. X: "Country bitches are old news. I'm headed North, bitches."

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Local songstress/scenester (and Harbour Lights regular) Ms. Alison Olassa is Scouted today (while playing accordion on Mass. Street), and her ideas are as interesting and unusual as you'd expect. Alison likes "feathers and garments that are both loose and poofy" and wants to see "more skating rinks, full-size pianos on stage at shows and trapeze schools" in Larryville. People say that Alison looks like "summer sausage but in the winter" and she dresses "like an airline stewardess to help cope with my fear of flying."





















Then there's Matthew Baldwin, who claims to have been in a hot dog commercial with Michael Jordan when he was in second grade and describes his style as "pseudo-hipster but more sophisticated and long-lasting." His favorite trends: "V-neck shirts, soft fabrics, pearl snaps, beards and fitted jeans (Levi's low-tapered fit is my favorite). I'm not a fan of restrictive, impractical fashion."

Chip: "If there's anything sophisticated about his look, it's beyond me."




















Folks, are they stylish, or aren't they?

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Richard and Chip aren't the only "artists" in town seeking to understand hipster culture. Local rapper Spence probes the culture as well in his new tune "All You Hipsters." Watch the teaser trailer for the video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbTR3zKWAOs

We'd love to analyze the lyrics, but we can't locate them as of yet and Spence's new album doesn't "drop" till next week. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Lapdance Legislation / Hipster Pick of the Day

Readers, we direct your attention today to a rather serious matter with the potential to affect strip clubs and lapdances as we now know (and love) them.

Kansas legislature is considering passing a bill that would accomplish the following:

"Sexually oriented businesses would have to close from midnight to 6 a.m. Nudity would be outlawed, and dancers could be seminude but would have to remain at least 6 feet away from patrons" (LJ-World).

The bill would also prohibit tipping the dancers. Strip club owners are calling the proposal a "killer bill" designed to drive them out of business.

Chip: "I like my beer cold and my strippers buck naked and grinding in my lap. Day by day our rights as American citizens are vanishing."

Richard: "And how can someone like Anna Undercover make a living if I'm denied my right to lie down on the stage of The Outhouse with a dollar in my teeth?"

Captain Chanute: "And the midnight-closing time is absurd as well. Anyone who goes to a strip club PRIOR to midnight is probably some sort of pervert."


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If you love male/female hipster duos but are tired of twee bands like the Transmittens, you might want to check out Cleveland's Mr. Gnome at the Replay this evening. Paste Magazine describes their sound: “...like ethereal Icelandic fairies being pummeled by concrete guitars in a dirty Cleveland parking lot. AKA: awesome.”

And the band themselves offer this assessment:

"We are a duo from Cleveland, Ohio that plays indie/psychedelic/rock music. We like time travel, porn, beer, liquor, marijuana, John Titor, The Frogs, and The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack. We travel around the country in a sweet ass ride called, “the Silver Bullet” and we enjoy sleeping on random people’s couches."

Chip: "They're not welcome to my couch."

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

This Week in Homeless News / Indoor Bicycle Roller Racing at the Replay

Larryville's city fathers are poised to approve a new homeless shelter at this evening's meeting and word arrived yesterday that Good Morning America's George Stephanopolous will be doing a profile of Larryville's shelter director sometime in May ("as part of a series that profiles people who have been mentors in the lives of ABC personalities"--LJ-World).

Surely this is a great opportunity for the nation to see Larryville's diligence in providing for the homeless, right?

Let's see what the talkbackers think.

Newell_Post says: "OMG. Every bum west of the Mississippi will be headed to Lawrence."

One_Eye_Wilbur says: "I hope George sees the drunks in the alley, and the drunks at bo's salvage yard peddling aluminum crutches to get booze money, and then follow them around for a day. the city commission is clueless about what this is doing for Lawrence, they really are."

Richard: "Well, not every drunk in an alley is homeless, One_Eye. Many of them are just unkempt hipsters who had a few too many PBR's at the Replay."

Chip: "Right. And not every homeless person is a drunk. Many of them are meth-heads and crack-fiends. Snuffleupagus may think twice about running this story if he finds himself attacked by a guy named Horse Shit wielding a railroad spike."

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One doesn't associate the Replay with sports, but nonetheless the venue may prove the perfect spot for "bicycle roller racing," which the LJ-World describes as follows:

"Many moons ago, when the world was sepia-toned, our forefathers used to climb — indoors — aboard bikes sitting atop huge cylindrical drums hooked to primitive gauges. They’d race head-to-head, pedaling furiously but going nowhere, with the winner being the cyclist who went the “farthest” in a set time."

This Friday the Replay hosts the KC Sprints: “Premiere Bicycle Roller Racing.”

broadpaw, in the LJ-World talkback, says: "let's just hope it's about the friendly competition and not lawrence's throngs of hipsters comparing only slightly obscure bike parts for uniqueness points"

Chip: "It will almost certainly be the latter."

Richard: "And let's hope it's complemented by a live performance from a Larryville band like the Rooftop Vigilantes or one of their 30 side projects. See you there."

Monday, April 26, 2010

The Boys Get a Haircut / Recent Concert Reviews / LJ-World Editorial of the Week / Larryville Luau is a Failure

Like all real men, the boys love the new trend of barber shops such as "Sport Clips," where men can kick back and watch the "big game" while getting a haircut. But a new "grooming salon" in KC is raising the stakes even higher. Knockouts provides sexily dressed women (it's "the Hooters of hair care," according to a profile in Ink magazine) along with beer and sports ("a flat-screen TV [is] mounted at each station").

Chip: "But will these sexy stylists mount me, if I offer a bigger tip?"

Richard: "Doubtful, Chip. This is not a whorehouse. But I'll bet they might offer a happy ending like certain massage parlors and, if so, I'll be driving to KC for each and every haircut."

Check out the website here:

www.knockouts.net




















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Richard might have been the youngest guy in the bar (rare) at Friday evening's early Replay patio acoustic set by Bill Goffrier, formerly of legendary early-80's Wichita-based rock band The Embarrassment. The show was so important that KC's Pitch sent a reviewer over, who offered this assessment in his write-up:

"Now, an early evening acoustic patio show at The Replay is a bit like a marshmallow-filled cowpie. With each artist you get increasingly close to the gooey sugary center, but it takes a lot of swallowing to get there."

Richard: "I don't really understand what he means, but allow me to retort in this fashion: Oh yeah, well, a late-night show at KC's Czar Bar or Riot Room is like a shit sandwich!"

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Former Missouri resident Susan Ad.ms is dismayed by the inhospitable treatment she has received since moving to Larryville, as we see in her recent LJ-World editorial:

"I have been at a loss to understand the use of the word “hate” or “don't like” when Lawrence citizens learn that I have lived in Missouri. While raising four children we were subjected to negative statements from our Kansas relatives because we lived in Missouri. Now that I live in Lawrence I have received from new neighbors, new acquaintances, Kansas relatives and administrators continued and unabashed insults from having lived in Missouri."

Chip: "Actually, my elders in Forttt Scottt taught me NOT to hate people from Missouri, because they can't help being retarded."

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Perhaps Larryville is not as awesome as we think, however, since (according to the UDK) barely 1500 people could be lured out for a city-wide drinking binge known as the Larryville Luau (despite the fact that almost 9000 people on Facebook promised to attend).

Thatonedude explains the disinterest in the UDK talkback:

"Nobody turned out because nobody cares that much. It's a completely arbitrary event with nothing but lousy drink specials at, as the person above pointed out, fratter bars. Give me a decent special or two at Henry's or Jazz House, and we'd be in business."

Chip: "But who wants to get 'lei'd' at Henry's Upstairs, which is usually full of pompous international grad students discussing Fellini, whoever that is. This event seems perfectly suited to 'fratter bars' and yet the kids didn't even show up to fuck and fight. Disappointing."

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Downtown Larryville Now Has a Pedicab Service!

What luck that yesterday's Larryville Luau happened to coincide with the debut of a new band called Bongotini, which brought a much-needed dose of tropicalia to the Jazzhaus for an older crowd who would have normally been home on a Saturday evening listening to the Retro Cocktail Hour. While Richard (who was busy participating in a conga line at the 'Haus) did not actually visit any of the bars directly connected to the Luau, his experience on the street was that numerous citizens had indeed gotten "lei'd" and sufficiently hammered (but were there upwards of 8000 participants, as Facebook promised? almost certainly not, and none of our "reputable" local news sources bothered to cover the event at all).

At any rate, the subject of this post is not the Luau, but rather the new pedicab service which has finally gotten approval and is now operating at random hours along Mass. Street, providing quick transit (for a buck) between bars for the lazy and the shitfaced. Shane Pow.rs, the sole owner/operator of the rickshaw-like service, says that most of his business so far has been from girls with "6 inch heels and all that" who "don’t want to walk from here to there, but I sure wouldn’t mind pedaling them.” (LJ-World).

Chip: "I'll bet that those girls primarily need a shuttle between Quinton's and Brothers and prefer to pay in blowjobs. Pow.rs may be the smartest guy in town right now."

Richard: "I plan to use the service myself, at least once, just because I want to hop on board when I'm really trashed and yell 'To the Replay, sir, post-haste!'"


Saturday, April 24, 2010

Sports Pick of the Weekend: KU Spring Game

Readers, today marks the public debut of Turner Gill's kinder, gentler Jayhawks, so make sure to take a brief break from boozing it up at the Larryville Luau and check out the Spring Game. But please refrain from yelling the popular KU chant of "Rip his fucking head off," because profanities make Gill cry.

Let's turn to the message boards and see if local sports fans are excited about the new era of KU football. Most comments, it seems, revolve around the stadium's new Jumbotron and the performance of KU basketball's Conner Teahan. Let's take a look at two choice quotes:

Wisconsin Jayhawk says: "I am most curious to see if Teahan will be moved to kicker so he can still heave up meaningless, off-the-mark three point attempts in the last seconds of the game."

And K-Man Blue has heard that the new Jumbotron "has the highest resolution High-Definition video board of any scoreboard in the country, college or pro, even the giant scoreboard at Dallas Stadium. I don't recall exactly, but they said the screen resolution is 1500 by 2500 or there-a-bouts. I have no clue if that's a true claim or not though. It did look very nice and it definitely is up and working."

Chip: "Great. The many ways that we suck will now be larger and more clear than ever before."

Friday, April 23, 2010

Party Pics from A. Rusc.n! / The Boys Discover a New Local Hipster Blog!

The boys didn't make it to the recent Gay Pride Prom at Wilde's Chateau but, luckily, A. Rusc.n was on hand snapping pictures. Here's one of them (click to enlarge).

Chip: "I don't know a lot about lesbian sex practices, but I understand that the tongue is one of their primary instruments."














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We're always happy to discover local blogs besides our own that "chronicle" Larryville's hipster scene, and one of our recent discoveries is called "Why Are There So Many Records in My Life." It's about one fellow's love affair with music, and most entries are accompanied by a picture of the blogger holding one of his favorite record albums (seriously). Here's an excerpt from his recent post about Record Store Day:

"I woke up bright and early today (9:30! WOW!) and walked down to Love Garden in hopes of snatching up one of the hyper-limited copies of the new Hold Steady record...My eye was caught by this new Pavement best-of, which is an alternate version of the one that was officially released last month. It's got a different tracklist, the “most imaginative” fan submitted tracklist as chosen by the band. I was initially bothered by the absence of super-jams like “Frontwards,” “Gold Soundz,” “Range Life,” and “Summer Babe,” but seeing that it had “Shoot the Singer,” which wasn't on the regular release, it had to be scooped up."

Richard: "I hope to find and interview this guy for the LC."

Visit him here:

http://recordsinmylife.blogspot.com/

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Style Scout / Hipster Pick of the Day: Hip-Hop at the Taco Shop!

Both of today's Style Scout subjects are interesting.

First is Haley Trezise, 24, who describes her style as "1950s and 1960s modern housewife," hates wearing a bra, wants to see more "dog-friendly people" in Larryville, and is often told she resembles "Twiggy circa 1967 and a young Meryl Streep."

Richard: "If Larryville gets any more dog-friendly than it is already, we'll elect a dog as mayor."





















Then there's J.B. McNerney, who professes himself "a fan of the Euro-mullet" and glow-in-the-dark watches. When asked what he'd like to see more of in Larryville, McNerney says: "I would like to see or meet more people who know/love Karl Pilkington. I will instantly befriend any guy, or immediately propose to any girl who knows what I’m talking about. As for the people that don’t, “get rid of ‘em.”

Richard: "For fuck's sake, McNerney, you're about two years behind the times with Pilkington. I mean, there's an HBO show about the guy now! Get a little more obscure in your hipsterism, why don't you?"

Chip: "This guy should be called McNERDny. Get it?"





















Ladies and gents, are they stylish, or aren't they?

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Larryville's Esquina has quietly been establishing itself not just as a gourmet taco shop but as a new hipster scene around the restaurant's bar. Tonight's hip-hop set by Richard's former student, Nezbeat, should help solidify the joint's hipster cred. So come and relax with a night of "Black Sugar" (as the evening is termed) while chowing down on a fucking okra taco or something.

Richard: "Nezbeat is 100% awesome and I like to think my class helped him polish his rhymes."

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Boys Consider the Larryville Luau

Readers, have you heard about the Larryville Luau? If you are not a frat boy or a sorostitute, you probably have not, but yet the event (to be held this Saturday) bills itself as "the first of a series of annual events for everyone in the state of Kansas to gather together and celebrate the upcoming summer." As best as we can tell from our research, the Luau is inspired by the annual "Fake Patty's Day" binge-drinking celebration of Manhattan, Kansas. The Luau will be "headquartered" out of the Barrel House (yes, our dueling piano bar is still open) but numerous other bars will be opening at 9:00 a.m and offering Luau-related drink specials with the evening culminating in a concert at the Granada. According to the event's Facebook page, 8846 guests will be attending the Luau (Richard: "Make that 8847!"), and 10,406 people are "maybe attending."

Chip: "Anything inspired by events in Manhattan, Kansas is immediately questionable in my book, as is anything 'headquartered' out of a fucking piano bar. But I do like the event's catchphrase: 'Come get lei'd.' It sounds to me like it might be a sexual innuendo."

Richard: "My first thought was that the Luau was encouraging pure alcoholic debauchery, but then I noticed this line in parentheses at the bottom of the event's Facebook page: '(The creators of the group do not encourage, advertise, or support, underage, or excessive consumption of alcohol).' I'm sure this is a fine family event for all ages, and I hope to see all of our readers at the bars on Saturday."

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Richard Mingles With Larryville's Geeks and Stoners at the Adult Swim Block Party / Lost Fans Speak!

Readers, the boys love getting baked and watching late-night cartoons on Adult Swim as much as the next unemployed slacker (or "self-employed contractor," as we prefer to be called). But we weren't overly impressed with last night's Adult Swim Block Party in downtown Larryville (which conveniently arrived just prior to the greatest stoner day of the year: 4-20, dudes!). Lines wrapped around the block for free Adult Swim merchandise and a chance to play games such as "Meatwad Pop" and "Pin the Parts on Carl," but due (we assume) to the inability of Larryville's city fathers to get properly organized for the event in time, there was no alcohol to be enjoyed during these absurd events unless you were one of the lucky twenty-five or so people who were able to squeeze onto the Sandbar's tiny smoking patio. The young stoner crowd didn't seem to mind, but Richard sure did want a nice beer while he mingled with an Easter Bunny wearing a chicken head.

Chip: "I've said it before and I'll say it again. The key to downtown Larryville's survival is to get rid of retail entirely and create a 24-hour dining and entertainment district where patrons are free to drink openly in the streets, a la Bourbon or Beale Street."

Richard: "Agreed. Think of how nice it would be to have a PBR stand at the corner of 9th and Mass on those summer evenings when we get parched on the long walk from the TapRoom to the Replay."

















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Tonight's Lost is titled "Across the Sea," but the main thing on talkbackers' minds today is not the plot but rather the shock at realizing next week's episode will be the sole rerun of the season.

Crow3711 explains: "I think they are doing it because when they decided to put the Series Finale on a Sunday, they had to decide which Tuesday to skip, and its much better to skip one now, than skip the Tuesday directly before the Sunday Finale. This way there is only 5 days between finale episode and series finale, instead of like 12 days, which is nice. Still sucks major balls they are showing a repeat next week though...what a bummer. Just wanted to make sure everyone here was aware of it so you can be disappointed now instead of next week."

Richard: "Thanks for the heads-up, Crow3711! Also, I totally do not approve of airing the series finale on a different night altogether."

Monday, April 19, 2010

Photo of the Week! / Louise's West vs. SUV / Geek Picks of the Day

Love was in the air at this weekend's Earth Day festivities in South Park as Richard posed with the lovely Miss Lawrence. He professed to be a fan (true), but did not tell her that the photo would almost certainly appear on a blog dedicated to silliness and boner jokes. Let's hope it does not jeopardize her career in any way. Click to enlarge.

















Chip: "So, did you have a boner during this picture, or didn't you?"

Richard: "Shut up, Chip! She seemed real sweet."

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Louise's West (known to fans such as Cl.thier as simply "the West") is currently closed for repairs after an SUV smashed into the front of the bar this weekend, then sped away from the scene of the accident. Expect to see bevies of confused sorostitutes wandering the streets this week looking for a place to drink their schooners. Luckily, Richard and King Tosser live very close by.

The UDK offers this account, which wins the LC's "No Shit" award for obviousness:

"Although no police statement has been released, bystanders speculated that alcohol was involved, while they shot photos of the caved-in facade with their phones."















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It's a great night to be a geek in Larryville. Adult Swim is hosting a block party this evening outside the Sandbar, featuring "Music. Games. Prizes. Free T-shirts. Surprises. Possible clown." (LJ-World). Put on your best Meatwad T-shirt or Space Ghost costume (where is Dr. X when we need him!?), and we'll see you there.

Afterwards, another installment of Super Nerd Night (this one called "Night of the Living Nerds," cleverly equating nerds and zombies, get it?) kicks off at the Jackpot after the Adult Swim festivities. These evenings of role-playing games and video games and comic books and general geekiness are the brainchild of Joel Pfannensti.l, owner of AstroKitty comics, who explains the evenings thusly:

"People really dig having stuff to do while they get their drink on. Plus, it's a very laid-back group, and the Jackpot staff seems to appreciate the non-obnoxious nature of our inebriated nerds." (Lawrence.com).

Chip: "Inebriated nerds are the worst, the absolute worst, and they always want to talk about LOST."

Here's a photo of the Larryville nerds:

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Youth Rebellion on the KC Plaza?

While Larryville has been focused on transients attacking our beloved local brewery, Kansas City has been dealing with a crime wave of its own. Gangs of "unruly youths" (KC-Star) have recently been wreaking havoc on the Plaza, KC's bastion of gentility and overly-expensive dining and shopping.

Let's check out some of the excerpts from the KC-Star's coverage of the matter:

"...as many as 900 juveniles swarmed the Plaza streets and sidewalks. Police think texting and social media played a role in the wave of youths."

Chip: "I've been saying all along that 'social media' is dangerous. All that 'poking' on Facebook is inevitably going to erupt in real-life violence."

"Youths maliciously pushed a high school student wearing her prom dress into a restaurant patio fountain...Juveniles approached diners on the patio of the Cheescake Factory who had to-go boxes and grabbed the food, tossing the boxes into fountains, police said...Officers blocked streets and used a police helicopter to identify problem areas. Officers emptied several fire-extinguisher-sized pepper spray canisters and more than a dozen hand-held canisters to break up the crowds."

Chip: "I don't think pepper spray is enough. These are obviously feral children who need be rounded up like any other vermin, maybe with large nets."

Richard: "That sounds a bit harsh, but I suppose if that was MY leftover cheesecake being thrown in the fountains, I'd agree 100 percent."

The events on the Plaza are troubling, to be sure, but at least they have sparked a much-needed, intelligent debate about race and class issues in the metro (and, by the way, if you are wondering whether these "unruly youths" are primarily African-American, let us offer two answers (1) yes and (2) yes, you are a racist for wondering). Let's look at some of the incisive comments from the KC-Star talkback:

RayTownJay says: "Typical Mizzou fans."

throwupbreath says: "I blame Apollo Creed and Clubber Lang for this atrocious behavior!"

captainkansas says: "Keanon, your Bill Cosby comment was racist...and should be removed. You should google Hitler's Youth. Then learn about the Reichstag fire (sp) then look up false flag terror events. Quit making smarmy comments about star wars and fat albert and educate yourself. No one thinks you are funny." [sorry, we can't find the comment in question...perhaps it was removed?].

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Hero of the Week!

Readers, we can't resist one more follow-up to the week's most important story: the shocking attack on Free State Brewery.

But so much attention was focused on the railroad spike-wielding transient named Horse Shit that the hero of the tale got lost in the shuffle. Today we are here to celebrate Craig Hoffman, the "49-year-old self-employed contractor" who pinned the villain to the street until the cops arrived. Here's his humble take on the day's horrifying events: "“Free State is a local community on its own. I have a lot of close friends here, and I was just helping protect what is close to me."

Chip: "I'm pretty sure that 'self-employed contractor' is local hippie slang for unemployed. My guess is that just about everyone drinking beer with Hoffman down there in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon is a 'self-employed contractor.'"

Richard: "Hoffman is going to get so many free beers out of this. I'm envious."












That's all for today, LC-fans, as Richard has business downtown with Earth Day festivities and Record Store Day. But what should he witness first? Perhaps a performance of “Jedi Knights and Galactic Princesses: The Fight 2 NOTB Polluted" at the Arts Center? Or perhaps a horde of hipters at Love Garden wrestling over a sweet vinyl copy of Neutral Milk Hotel?

And speaking of Love Garden, The Wayward Blog recently offered a nice playlist from owner Kelly Corcoran. Check it out, if you want to see what a true Larryville tastemaker is playing in the store these days, such as "Somebody Keeps Callin'" by the Baby Grandmothers: "This is the last track on my favorite compilation of 2009, Forge Your Own Chains. It's a collection of Psychedelic tunes from 1968-1974. It's really well selected, the liner notes are really informative and fun to read, and really well sequenced. We actually had to take a hiatus from listening to this at Love Garden because of the Brain-Melting side effects."

Here's the site:

http://blogs.pitch.com/wayward/2010/04/love_gardens_kelly_corcoran_makes_an_epic_playlist.php#more

Friday, April 16, 2010

A. Rusc.n Is Back With More Party Pics!

Rusc.n may not be on the scene as much as she once was, but her photos are always worth the wait.

Her new photo session is from the recent Spook Lights show at the Replay.

First is a fellow wearing a Herschel Gordon Lewis "Blood Feast" T-shirt. Readers, you don't see that at just any bar. In fact, we're willing to wager that not a single person partying upstairs at Quinton's on a Tuesday night has a clue about HG Lewis.















And here's a guy whispering to his friend all the filthy acts he plans to perform on him later. The expression on the friend's face is a mixture of alarm and titillation that is exceedingly rare to capture in a photograph. Fine work as always, Rusc.n!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Style Scout / This Week in Local Crime: Railroad Spike Attack at Free State! (now with picture!)

Readers, we're frankly a little baffled at the lack of response to yesterday's porn-related post about the return of Sammy RyRy to Larryville. Perhaps you've finally grown weary of our vulgarities. Or perhaps you are just lazy. Or perhaps you decided to head to Miracle Video, rent a few RyRy films, and rub one out instead of commenting (if that's the case, you're forgiven).

At any rate, let's move on and see if you all have anything to say about today's Style Scout subject, Jonah Neff, who was Scouted while "sitting on my porch with my pup, Pickles, waitin’ on a storm to brew." Neff likes "Adidas Originals and slip-on Vans" and is "a fan of ’80s-style running shoes with a slightly retro aesthetic." Neff would like to see more cowboy hats in Lawrence and wears a lot of band T-shirts because he enjoys "wearable art — support and promotion all wrapped into one useable item."

Here's Neff (click to enlarge).





















Richard: "I like everything about this guy, especially his beard and his Butchers and Builders T-shirt. Very cool band. I'd like to party with this dude AND his pup, Pickles."

But what do you think, fashion mavens?


---

Accoding to the LJ-World, a peaceful afternoon at Free State was rudely shattered yesterday when a man appeared and "began threatening restaurant patrons with a railroad spike" before being "tackled by a 49-year-old Lawrence man and held until police arrived."

Let's check in with the LJ-World talkbackers, which includes this eye-witness report from TheBigW:

"Too bad there is no way to post photos here, this low life had some real nice tattoos on his face, on the right cheek the word "horse" and on the left cheek the word "Sh*t" . Then like a moron he is he tried to fight the 8 cops."

Captain Chanute: "Oh, I know that guy. His name is 'Horse Shit.'"

And notwhatyouthink says: "If everyone would stop feeding them, and giving them change so they can buy their booze and porno magizines. If the city would not let them camp out when we already have a law against it. I think you would find that they all would just leave, because there would be no reason for them to come here."

Here's a picture of 'Horse Shit' being subdued by a guy you've all seen hanging out on the Free State patio many times but that maybe you had never pegged as a hero.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

This Week in Larryville Politics / Porn Queen Sammy RyRy Will Return to Larryville! / Earth Day Coverage Begins

Mike Am.x was elected to his fourth (non-consecutive) term as mayor of Larryville last night and "vowed to tackle the longtime struggle to attract a grocery store to North Lawrence."

Chip: "Is this truly the biggest problem facing Larryville at the present moment? I thought that the reason North Lawrence didn't have a grocery store is that virtually all of its residents are members of conspiracy-minded fringe groups who grow all their own foods out of fear that the 'guvmint' is poisoning them."

---

Following her now legendary surprise appearance at a recent KU basketball game, porn actress (and KU alumnus) Sammy "RyRy" Ryan is returning to town this Saturday to play in a charity poker tournament. Do the boys plan to participate and try to fuck her?

Chip: "I hope that she and I can re-enact the plot of Blown Away 2: I Can't Wait to Suck Your Cock, if you catch my meaning."

Richard: "A quick glance at her filmography is truly impressive and, although I haven't seen much of her work, I'm curious to check out such films as Blow Me Sandwich 6 and the wittily titled French Connections."

Local French scholar Brian F: "The latter is one of her best films, but fifty bucks says she's never actually seen William Freidkin's 1971 Best Picture winner The French Connection."

Captain Chanute: "The best film she's done is Twat Squad, hands down (by which I mean hands-down-my pants)."

Honorable Reverend C: "How many characters are needed here just to make a porno joke?"

---

Readers, Earth Day is next week and the most exciting thing about this year's festivities is that Avatar will be released on DVD that very day so that James Cameron can brag more about the film's important environmental message and convince people that anyone who doesn't buy a copy is probably a right-wing nutjob who believes that global warming is a hoax on par with the moon landing.

Larryville's major Earth Day events will be held this Saturday, but it seems that not everyone on the LJ-World talkbacks is excited.

Big Prune says: "...will the Earth Nazis be goose stepping behind a bio diesel powered school bus with one passenger while blowing an air horn sound pollution device like a couple of years ago? Sounds like a typical Lawrence freak show. Please keep your kids at home so these modern day brownshirts can't brainwash them anymore than our public school system."

Is Big Prune really Chip's talkback moniker? Sometimes we wonder.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Recent Concert Reviews / More Joe College News / Lost Fanboys Speak Out!

Present at the Arctic Monkeys show at Liberty Hall last night were: a bunch of high-schoolers (which made the lines at the bars delightfully short); "every Brit within a 30-mile radius" (at least according to King Tosser, a Brit); and a few small pockets of the town's elder hipster statesmen who felt the need to experience one of England's most important young bands in an up-close-and-personal setting (among these hipsters was Richard, sporting an Oxfam button worn upside-down, perhaps to symbolize the fact that he really didn't know what Oxfam was but had signed a petition distributed by his friend, Eggs, mainly in order to obtain that cool button). The band raged through the punkier first half of the set (with a typically shitty Liberty sound mix), before settling into a more Britpoppy vein and delivering the early radio favorites that all the kids were there to hear (such as: "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor"). Everything was said and done by 10:30 in order to get the youngsters home by curfew, which suited the elder hipsters as well, allowing them to resume drinking cheap Monday night beers at FreeState just as they had been doing prior to the show.

But don't trust Richard's review of the show. Let's see what the Pitch's Nick Spac.k has to say in his review:

"Honestly, I spent the better part of the latter half of the Arctic Monkey's set hanging out in Liberty Hall's foyer shooting the shit with various people, and not a single one of us were even slightly interested in any of the songs being played 50 yards from us."

Richard: "For fuck's sake, Spac.k, shouldn't you at least be required to watch the show you are reviewing! Why don't I have your job?"


---

After successfully driving local T-shirt shop Joe College out of business due to exorbitant legal fees, KU has now decided to waive those fees so long as Larry Sinks agrees never to make another shirt that involves "Kansas, Lawrence, a Jayhawk or anything else even remotely associated with Kansas University, its athletic teams or colors" (LJ-World).

Richard: "So you're telling me poor Sinks can't even print a blue T-shirt from now on? I wonder if he's even allowed to use any of the letters that make up the phrase 'Kansas University?'"

Chip: "The guy should consider himself lucky that Big Lew didn't have him assassinated long ago."

---

Tonight's Lost episode is Hugo-centric and titled "Everybody Loves Hugo." Our vote for fanboy comment of the day goes to McFaux:

"So, if the symmetry holds, this epi tonight should be pretty fair dinkum. 2.04 was the episode that reallly kicked off the second leg of the Journey. We'd just finished opening the Swan hatch harbaville triptych of MoS-MoF, Adrift, and Orientation. Desmond had found 'his' sucker to save the World, the 815's were left holding the bag, and were left sayin WTF? That Hugo epi was laden with metaphor and subtext and the other things, both Science and Faith. 8 feet of Concrete and Chernobyl. Magnetic walls pulling in Keys. Apollo bars and Rising stars.. Quitting Jobs and Starting Jobs."

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Boys' Consider Campus Protests / The Return of Conan O'Brien

As always, KU's Pride Week culminated last week with the Brown Bag Drag Show at the Union and, as always, there were protests and counterprotests.

In this (tiny) photo, we see two members of the Phelps' clan doing their thing while a student counterprotester hovers nearby with a "Not Fabulous" sign.











Richard: "The perpetual counterprotest against the fear and ignorance of the Phelps' crew is quite touching, but I wish the guy holding the 'Not Fabulous' sign was just a little more...fabulous. He just looks like a dull, run-of-the-mill hippie."

Chip: "Hippies are rarely gay, but sometimes they are polyamorous. Also, that 'Gay Hawk' sign is pretty funny. Let's admit it."


---

Still on an NBC-ordered exile from television until later this year, Conan O'Brien kicks off a nationwide comedy tour tonight and announced today that he will return to television in November, not on Fox, as expected, but on... TBS. What say the fanboys from the AV Club?

Saucy Jack says: "i hope tyler perry presents this program."

Jorge van Salsa cleverly repeats the TBS catchphrase: "Very funny."

Triumph (appropriating a Conan character) says: "I for one would like to say that TBS IS very funny...FOR ME TO POOP ON!!"

And The Artist Formerly Known as Yeah Avatar. Right says: "...this is really good for Conan, creative freedom-wise. He could do a full week staging Ibsen plays and they'd still keep him on TBS because, who cares, it's not like anyone was watching George Lopez anyway."

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Is it Food, or is it Art?

A recent NY-Times piece focuses on the increasing popularity of food photography, specifically people who obsessively document each meal they consume and often blog the results:

"Keeping a photographic food diary is a growing phenomenon with everything from truffle-stuffed suckling pigs to humble bowls of Cheerios being captured and offered for public consumption."

One such person profiled in the article is Nora Sherman: "Her impulse to photograph her food and do so artistically has made her a more adventurous eater. 'It's driven me to seek out interesting, photogenic foods,' she said."

Here's a picture of her recent work:
















And here's a picture of Chip's typical breakfast (yes, it's the legendary Bacon Explosion, which is basically bacon wrapped around a mixture of sausage and bacon):














According to the article, many digital cameras now offer a special "food" or "cuisine" setting to enhance such pictures.

Chip: "Food photography is totally art. I often find myself as aroused by a beautifully photographed chicken-fried streak as I do by a tasteful nude."

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Boys Consider the Top Ten Hipster Colleges in America!

Although the LC's first true vulgarian, Dr. X, has mostly ceded his role to Captain Chanute these days, the mysterious professor occasionally resurfaces to send us a useful story, such as the Huffington Post's recent list of the top ten "hipster colleges." Sadly, KU is not on the list. But let's take a look at a few of the ones that made the cut.


Wesleyan is "home to perhaps the country's sole "hipster fraternity," the Eclectic Society, which produced MGMT founders Andrew Van Wyngaren and Ben Goldwasser (above) as well as Buffy The Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon."

Richard: "I think the primary benefit of being in a hipster frat as opposed to a regular frat would be that the music is better. The downside, however, would be never getting laid."

Then there's Sarah Lawrence, which "is infamous for its annual "sleaze week," during which students can take pornography workshops and attend a "sleaze ball."

Chip: "I have to say I'm intrigued by the idea of a 'pornography workshop,' which sounds very 'hands-on.' I wonder if it would consist primarily of masturbation or if students would also make their own porn?"

The article also offers several intriguing photos, such as this one in which "Hampshire assistant professor Sarah Partan demonstrates her robotic squirrel on campus."


















Peruse the full list of hipster schools here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/09/top-10-hipster-schools_n_531852.html

Friday, April 9, 2010

Rap Pick of the Weekend!

The weather is fine in Larryville, but you may want to don your bulletproof jacket this weekend because KC rapper Tech N9ne is coming back to town for a show at Liberty Hall (and he's bringing along our personal favorite local rapper, Big Scoob, once again as well!). Expect the gangs from Top City to be out in full force.

According to a piece in today's LJ-World, N9ne is "the most successful independent rapper in the world," wears war paint on-stage, and is popular among Juggalos.

Let's look up some lyrics from his new album. Here's an excerpt from a song called "Killing You," in which N9ne boasts: "I'm a serial killer, when it come to heart break":

"I let em know at the front [I'm a?] lust demon
that wanna be bust kitty,
be rubbin, I love many
They trust me with the cunt,
I thrust plenty...".


Chip: "The phrase 'I thrust plenty' seems like a relatively modest boast for a lust demon."

In this quote from the LJ-World, N9ne explains his new favorite drink:

"I'm going to record a song called "KC Tea" today. It's going to be my new drink. My old drink was Caribou Lou, and that went over well. All over the world, everybody's drinking it. I don't think there will ever be anything that can compete with Caribou Lou, but KC Tea is my new drink. KC Tea is something a lot of white folks don't drink because it has Hennessy. White folks are like, "Oh, I don't drink Hennessy! I drink Jack and Maker's Mark and Jim Beam!" And that's cool, but this tastes like tea. It's Hennessy and Sprite and lemon. It's so beautiful. Caribou Lou is sin. It's Bacardi 151, Malibu rum and pineapple juice."

Richard: "Oh, I don't drink Hennessy."

And here's a picture of Big Scoob:

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Beer / Golf / Style Scout (sort of)

Larryville may be on the cutting edge of ridiculous "infused" liqueurs but they are lagging behind in the world of hipster beers. Kansas City is noted as one of the cities bringing Schlitz back into the limelight:

Schlitz's 16 oz. "Tall Boy" cans are returning to Kansas City at the end of the month -- a year after the beer re-entered the market in 12 oz. brown bottles.
Schlitz celebrates the return of the Tall Boy can with two parties tomorrow night, where the tallest boy and girl (literally) each win $160 -- $10 for each of the 16 ounces in the can. There will also be a can stacking contest with prizes at the Kross Lounge and Gusto Lounge 'It's great to hear the war stories, literally and figuratively, about guys having their first Schlitz," says [director of marketing] Wortham."


Richard: "I will not be satisfied until I can drink a Schlitz tallboy at the Replay Lounge."

Chip: "My first Schlitz gave me the shits."

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Believe it or not, the LC has not made a single Tiger Woods joke during his battle with sex addiction, but let's change that. Like the rest of America, the boys will be keeping a close eye on Tiger's return to the Master's today.

Chip: "According to Dr. Drew, a sex addiction relapse can occur very suddenly. I figure there's a decent chance we'll see him fuck somebody right on the greens this weekend."

---

Due to Lawrence.com's laziness in posting columns on time, our thoughts on Style Scout photos will not appear today. But you can check out the hard copy in the LJ-World if you want to see a dude (Tyler Carmody) who describes his style as "Casual Kansas-boy modern" and references Mondrian and Terence Malick in the same sentence.

Capt. Chanute: "I'm prepared to say, sight unseen, that this guy is a douche."

Update: Here he is. Is he fashionable, or isn't he?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Boys' Consumer Corner Is Back!

If you're anything like the boys, who are "early adapters," you've spent most of your week playing with your new Ipad (Chip: "Is 'playing with your Ipad' a masturbation euphemism?"). Indeed, a piece in Time magazine has nothing but raves for Apple's newest gadget: "I discovered that one doesn't relate to it as a 'tool'; the experience is closer to one's relationship with a person or an animal." (Richard: "I'd totally rather have an Ipad than, say, a cat.").

However, we're not here today to review the Ipad (although we truthfully believe it's rather unecessary), but rather to recommend a new "app" for your Ipad or Iphone or Ipod: the KU app.

In addition to campus news regarding academics and sports, the "app" provides "Beautiful campus photos from KU’s Twitter page and official Flickr page, easily converted into wallpaper." The Twitter page offers important information such as this recent post: "KU alumnus who helped establish hippie commune to revisit campus." And the Flickr page, while nice, is sadly lacking in titillating sorostitute photos or even any from the 2010 "Women of KU" calendar, such as this one of Miss July:





















Chip: "That's a John Deere tractor and are you sure this isn't from the Women of K-State calendar?"

Honorable Reverend H: "Two days in a row of crotch shots? Really?"

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

New Trends in Larryville Liquor / Photo of the Week / Lost Fanboys Speak Out!

Richard recently joined a few companions on the patio at the Pig, where they were enjoying concoctions of cucumber-infused vodka which Richard sampled but roundly rejected as tasting like a "liquid salad" and "far too healthy-sounding to get me properly hammered."

But apparently such drinks are increasingly popular in Larryville. A piece in today's LJ-World explores the "infusions" of various local venues, focusing on 715 (our new European bistro) and Esquina (our new freaky taco shop) and the Pig (our pretentious old standby).

715 bar owner Margie Hogue says: "Right now, we have a cucumber- and fennel-infused gin, an apricot-infused bourbon, a lemon-infused vodka for some of our citrus drinks, raspberry vodka, lemongrass-infused gin and a garlic- and Calabrian chile-infused vodka for our Bloody Marys."

Pig manager Frank Dorsey says: "I tried a bacon-infused vodka...You cook the bacon and put it in the vodka for, like, three weeks. Then, you have to skim off the fat that congeals and floats to the top."

Chip says: "Right now I've got a jar of tequila on my front porch being infused by a hot dog."

---

Our picture of the week comes to us from the Pitch's review of last Friday's Taylor Swift show. It's a close-up shot of her crotch during the performance:















Chip: "I just felt a swift movement in my pants, if you catch my pun."

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Tonight's Desmond-centric episode of Lost has fanboys besides themselves. Here's our vote for obsessive fanboy comment of the day from AICN:

finky089 says: "Did anyone notice in last week's episode, in the scene when Keamy is in Sun's room telling Omar to get "what's his name" (Mikhail), he says, referring to Mikhail, that he is "Danny's friend". I wonder, could Keamy be talking about Daniel Faraday in this "sideways" timeline? In the "on-Island" timeline, we know Faraday is connected to Widmore through Hawking. And we know that Widmore was connected to Keamy. Seems reasonable that Keamy might know Faraday in the "sideways" timeline."

Richard: "Of COURSE we noticed. It's obvious."

Monday, April 5, 2010

Morels / Zombies

Readers, it seems like spring has finally sprung in Larryville. The weather is warm. It's opening day for the Royals in KC (Chip: "Just when I think they couldn't suck any worse, they find new ways to suck."). And the delicious morels are ready to be hunted.

Yesterday's LJ-World published a useful piece profiling Larryville's most notable mushroom hunters.

"I'm one of the more prolific mushroom hunters around," says Stan Schneck, quoted in the piece. "I've gotten good enough now that there are 10 mushrooms that I really like to eat."

Honorable Reverend H: "Shneck is a decent mushroom hunter, at best. But Eastside legend Bob Coffman can discover ten new kinds of mushrooms before breakfast, blindfolded."

Richard: "Ten bucks says Krause will be offering morel burgers and morel tacos at his joints within the next two weeks."


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Now that a group at KU has begun to take part in the nationwide role-playing game known as "Humans vs. Zombies," you won't have to wait until October's annual "Zombie Walk" to see annoying people dressed as the undead yelling "Brains" at you. The games kicked off over the weekend, but so far KU administration has restricted them to the West Campus and banned Nerf weapons, so that the group "had to resort to socks as its sole weapons." (UDK).

Chip: "How in the fuck can one kill a zombie with a sock?"

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter from the LC

Readers, it's Easter Sunday, so let's dispense with the boner jokes and think about church.

Richard, along with the Honorable Reverend H, attended the annual "Beatles Service" at Plymouth, Larryville's downtown stronghold of liberal religion, where he sang along to "Here Comes the Sun" and "All You Need Is Love," batted balloons around like beach balls at a rock show, and watched the assistant pastor baptize a bunny rabbit.

Richard: "Truth be told, it was surprisingly reverent, with the possible exception of the bunny baptism, but I totally should have gotten high beforehand."

Chip: "At our church, in Forttt Scottt, we talked about Jesus."

Saturday, April 3, 2010

The Boys Weekend Box-Office Report

Readers, it's Easter weekend, so you're probably not reading and instead are doing whatever it is you do during Easter, perhaps gorging yourself with ham and chocolate candy eggs or just waiting till Lent finally ends so you can resume all the fun things you gave up for the last forty days, such as drinking, swearing, gambling, and jerking off (Chip: "It will be nice to enjoy a boner again.").

Richard spent Good Friday evening at a local art show where he followed a path of severed baby doll heads up a narrow and creepy stairwell to a claustrophic new gallery (basically a hallway) where local "artist" Wayne Probst had covered the walls with 80 or so severed baby dolls heads which had been burned or possibly crushed into strange deformed shapes and given names like JFK Baby (with a bullet hole) and Please Don't Put Money in Hole In Baby's Head (it had money in it). Was it art, or wasn't it?

Richard: "I suppose it probably was, but I was unmoved by it and, frankly, a little disgusted."

Or perhaps you'll choose to take in a movie this weekend? Hollywood is betting that many American Christians will enjoy the company of the Greek gods this weekend with the opening of the big-budget 3D remake of 1981's Clash of the Titans. Fanboys, of course, fetishize all films of their childhood and are spending their weekend ranting about how the new film will taint their precious memories of a film that wasn't very good even in its own day:

Redfive! says: "NO BUBO THE OWL...THEN F**K THIS MOVIE!!"

Even more fun, however, is making jokes about the catchphrase "Release the kraken!" The AV-Club talkbackers have devoted most of their talkback to using the phrase as a metaphor for masturbation or, even more fun, inserting the phrase (or just the word "kraken") into famous lines of dialogue, such as:

"And then there was Jimmy Two Times, who got that nickname because he said everything twice, like...I'm gonna go release the Kraken, release the Kraken."

or this:

"The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. They don't like hearing it. And, find it difficult to say. Whereas, without batting an eye, a man will refer to his "dick" or his "rod" or his "Kraken."

"Kraken?"

Friday, April 2, 2010

Our Last Best Hope? / Art Pick of the Weekend

The basketball season went down in flames. The debate team fizzled out. The football squad is a bunch of Bible-thumpers and, quite possibly, a cult. Perhaps KU's best hope for a little competitive recognition comes now in the unlikely form of the KU duo Casey Brunk and Brittany Love, who recently won the regional championship in "Bud Light's Shoot for the Championship national quarters tournament" for which "they received an all-expense paid trip to Las Vegas, where they will be competing for the national championship and the grand prize of $25,000" (UDK).

Chip: "There's so much talk of competitive quarters and beer pong these days that the whole point of the games--which is getting well and truly shitfaced--is sometimes overshadowed."

Best of luck this weekend in Vegas, Casey and Brittany. Do Larryville proud!


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You may know Wayne Probst as a local artist, former friend of William S. Burroughs, or simply as that old dude who's always at the Bourgeois Pig. No matter how you know him, you'll want to check out his opening tonight at new local art gallery Invisible Hand (which is just above Esquina, so make sure you enjoy a gourmet taco beforehand, piled high with bewildering ingredients: more octopus, please!). According to Lawrence.com, Probst's exhibit, Baby Doll Head, features "70+ baby doll heads in disarray."

Another Lawrence.com piece profiles Probst and offers this rundown of the art found at his home:

"¢ Bags full of shredded-up Bibles, as if they're for sale. The label reads "Bible Trash."

¢ A windmill made out of a bicycle.

¢ An orangutan hanging from a tree.

¢ A gravestone that says, "W. Propst. Bull(crap) jokester."

"I'm not really an artist," Propst explains. "The reason I wince at the notion of art is I know some real artists, and I almost feel like I'm disrespecting them to say, 'I'm an artist, too.'"


Chip: "At least he's honest. Also, couldn't he be arrested for cutting up Bibles or murdering an orangutan?"

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Style Scout / Hipster of the Week

Today's Style Scout marks the last Scouting excursion of our favorite Scouter, Katy Seib.l, and introduces us to Mr. Zeke Westerman, 22, who hails from...Chanute, Kansas!

Zeke wants to see "more guys dressing up when they go out on dates with their girlfriends. The girl always look so cute in her little black dress and heels, and the guy will be wearing khakis, a polo and Sperry Top-Siders. Guys in Lawrence don’t know how to dress up..."

Chip: "But I look good in my khakis and polo and Top-Siders."

Richard: "I've said it before and I'll say it again. Little black dress = instant boner."

Meet Zeke. Ladies, is he fashionable, or isn't he?





















Capt. Chanute: "We used to beat this kid up on a near-daily basis back in Chanute."


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Last week's first "Hipster of the Week" column focused on Gavon Laess.g, of Lawrence.com, and his penchant for shirtless photos of himself.

This week brings us "Scary Manilow," Replay bartender and frontman for local psychobilly outfit The Spook Lights.

In an interview with Nick Spac.k in the Pitch, Rob discusses how he earns a little extra cash:

"When I'm not flexing my bartending muscles, I'm sacrificing my health for science at the Quintiles Clinical Research facility. For the past fourteen and a half years, Quintiles has afforded me the luxury of pursuing a more worldly lifestyle. In exchange for my blood, urine, sweat, feces, spare time, free will, and preference for a regular, balanced diet, Quintiles grants me a check (or "honorarium" as they call it-- how noble!) to the tune of $175 dollars a day... sometimes more!"

Scary, you have served us all some delicious PBR's, and we're delighted to feature you as our hipster of the week!

Here's Scary pictured with Curvacia Vavoom: