Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Return of A. Rusc.n's Party Pics!

Well, it seems that you voyeurs out there much prefer to watch than to interact (since no one is present in the comments lately except Richard and the Captain). So let's be lazy today and take a peek at A. Rusc.n's excellent new spread of "party pics" from the recent show by Woods and Real Estate at the Jackpot.

This first photo reveals a common expression made by local women when a hipster tries to kiss them. And that smoochy fellow looks awfully familiar. Is he one of the Rooftop Vigilantes? Or a Replay doorman? Richard isn't observant enough to know for sure, but you'll definitely see that dude if you hang out downtown, and he might try to kiss you. Also, that's Jon Harrison in the background. Hi Jon. Jon always seems like a nice guy. And tall.















Now this next photo is very touching indeed. Here we see a kindly gentleman in a Queen shirt who looks a bit like Corey Feldman offering his friend a sip of his cranberry vodka.

Captain Chanute: "Another, less generous, interpretation is that the drink is probably 'roofied' and these fellows are about to enjoy a little non-consensual romp in the alley behind the bar."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Concert Reviews / Geek Photo of the Week / Tuesday's Lost Coverage

The boys didn't make it to the Xiu Xiu show at the Jackpot last night, but luckily the Pitch's Ian Hr.be was on hand to cover the gig:

"Xiu Xiu...was nothing but suburban angst personified, and I can't believe it took me so long to realize that frontman Jamie Stewart is effectively the Morrissey for the modern age."

King Tosser: "Doubtful."

"[One song] featured -- I shit you not -- a goddamned Nintendo DS as a primary instrument. It's an incredibly powerful song, and to watch Stewart singing it with absolute conviction all while pressing a stylus to a Game Boy was pretty incredible. And watching two x-handed kids do an interpretive dance to the song in the middle of the club was pretty spectacular, too."

Chip: "If by 'spectacular,' he means depressing, then I agree."

Here's Hr.be's photo of this moment (click to enlarge), which reveals that the hipsters were studiously avoiding the kids' interpretive dance (Chip: "Indeed, it IS best not to encourage them.").
















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Geeks from near and far converged on KC last weekend for the Planet Comicon convention (Richard dressed as a Cylon this year!).

Here's a picture from the Pitch's slideshow that shows five Boba Fetts arresting a Supergirl:

















Captain Chanute: "I get the feeling that everyone involved, including (and perhaps especially) Supergirl, is living out one of their greatest masturbation fantasies."

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Lost fans are still reeling over last week's revelations, which reduced the show to a fairly standard good vs. evil religious parable that most geeks guessed somewhere around the end of Season One. Even so, has any other television show ever produced the level of intellectualism regarding religion, philosophy, and science that this show has inspired over the years? Tonight's Lost episode, "The Package," is centered on Jin and Sun. Let's see what kind of intelligence is found in today's AICN talkback:

Miyamoto_Musashi says: "Always good to see more Sun, hottest Lostie for me, (yes obsessed with Asia girls), have seen bits of her this season so far but clearly not enough."

Monday, March 29, 2010

This Week in Local Sports / Hipster Pick of the Day

With KU's basketball season down the drain, it's time to direct all our interest, optimism, and anger toward the approaching football season. And the reign of Turner Gill--who proudly trumpets his morality and does not curse and will never hire anyone who does!--promises to be a far cry from the "Rip his fucking head off!" era of Mangino.

Today's LJ-World offers a (somewhat frightening) account of Gill-style football:

"With his team on one knee, huddled in front of him, Gill called on senior place kicker Jacob Branstetter to lead the Jayhawks in one of the team’s new traditions: a letter-by-letter reciting of the team mantra “B.E.L.I.E.V.E.”

B: Believe in each other and the things not yet seen.

E: Empower people by encouragement.

L: Learn and press on toward the goal.

I: Influence by being a positive role model.

E: Expect great effort all the time.

V: Visualize excellence.

E: Enjoy the college football experience."



Chip: "I wonder if the crowd will be asked to pray prior to kick-off. Not that I'm necessarily opposed to it, mind you, so long as it inspires our boys to rip some fucking heads off."

Richard: "I'm more worried about the team's apparent inability to spell the word 'believe,' as revealed in this quote from wide receiver Chris Omigie regarding the mantra: 'I think it’s more just remembering how to spell it than remembering the words of it. Some people just get it mixed up.'

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Readers, do you know what "chiptune" means? No, it does not refer to Chip's habit of walking around whistling Justin Bieber songs, but rather a term for computer-generated music that's not uncommon in contemporary hipster bands, such as Xiu Xiu, playing tonight at the Jackpot. Xiu Xiu has been around awhile and they are on the Kill Rock Stars label, which means the hipsters should be out in force. Pitchfork gives their new album, Dear God, I Hate Myself, a 7.3:

"Over a rubbery pulse, "Chocolate Makes You Happy" seems to transform bar by bar-- flurries of computer noise, broken bells, touch-tone synths and more weave in and out of the aching vocal line. These are songs with their hair sticking up. This cultivated chaos produces complex music filled with insinuating hooks."

Cl.thier: "Songs don't have hair, Pitchfork."

Well, Pitchfork critics may not be masters of metaphor, Cl.thier, but we don't think you'll argue when we say that these lyrics from Xiu Xiu's "In Lust, You Can Hear the Axe Fall" are pure poetry:

"discolored at the bite of a pear
cut love me
cut love me into your breast
crush a pastry into your breast

wipe your hole clean, lover's blood
to have learned nothing
stitch it stitch it stitch it stitch it
tell me you are bad, busy witch
passive as a toilet
eat it eat it eat it eat it

who there is, who is not bored but this flaw?
discolored by the bite of an ox"

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Recent Concert Reviews / On-Line Talkbackers Consider K-State

Local hipsters at the Replay last night were stunned by a completely irony-free performance by former Richmond, VA punk hero turned solo folkie, Tim Barry. Yes, that sounds exactly like an Onion headline, but so what, it's accurate. Setting up his mic in the middle of the room and sometimes venturing into the crowd with his guitar, Barry captivated a small band of devoted followers with an hour's worth of earnest, passionate songs and stories about hard times among the working class.

Chip: "Are you sure that this rare sincerity wasn't itself a kind of schtick? The guy was wearing a Conway Twitty T-shirt. Surely that's ironic."

Richard: "No, Chip. That T-shirt was sincere as well."

Spotted in the crowd on this evening was legendary former Lawrence hipster John Br.ni, back in town for the evening. Of course, he was only there to see the lesser-known opening act and left long before any real emotion was shared between performer and audience.

Later in the evening, Richard and King Tosser, confused and frightened by an evening of authenticity, ventured back into a more typical "scene" at the Jackpot, where many hipsters were far more interested in the venue's new photo booth than in the bands on-stage. Tosser soon found himself engaged in a heated territorial dispute with one of Larryville's little-old-lady-scenesters (no, it was not Carol, Larryville's beloved sweet little-old-lady lesbian, but one of her friends). This lady did not approve of Tosser resting his pitcher of beer on her table, which led to this exchange:

Lady: "That is Carol's table, and this is mine. We got here early to claim them."

Tosser: "What about that table across the room, love? Is that yours too."

Richard left, laughing uncontrollably, before the dispute came to blows, but he was fairly sure Tosser could have taken the old broad in a fight.

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After KU's early exit in the NCAA tournament, an unexpected and troubling question came up in Larryville last week: is it okay to support K-State out of a sense of state loyalty, even though they are obviously a bunch of vicious in-bred fuckers? (Chip: "The question should never have come up.").

In a controversial LJ-World editorial yesterday ("It's time to back the 'Cats"), Tom Keegan urged us to put aside our hatred and wish the team well. This led, of course, to a wild talkback session.

Nutflush21 says: "Keegan, I hear they have a job opening a the Manhattan Mercury."

Otownhawker says: "I didn't even read this astonomical (however you spell it) article. This is gross. I realize no one ever reads my stupid posts but you will never see me on these boards again...Otownhawker out forever...btw Self Realist, you blow, and so do you other people who don't support the best coach in KU history."

lhohman3 says: "I hope those Wildc*nts choke on a knife blade."

(Chip: "Wildcunts! Oh, that's good! Why didn't I think of that?").

But it's packywacky88 who wins the prize for our favorite post with an explanation of why it IS okay to root for K-State: "I know of no K-Stater that would cheer, root, or say anything positive about KU. They HATE us deep to their core…..I mean deep, deep hatred, and that makes me feel special. It is simple jealousy demonstrated by our retarded cousins to the west. But…..I root for the Big 12 and when not in competition with KU, I root for the Purple Pussies. We are big enough sports fans to cheer for our cousins, even if they are not. Although…..part of me enjoys the fact that we have 5 national crowns and they have none. I would like to see them in the Final 4…..something like when you go to McDonalds and see the “special needs girl” working on the fry-o-later….you cheer her on saying “geeze, she is doing good for herself”.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

This Week in Local T-Shirt News / Hipster Pick of the Day

After years of costly litigation, Lew Perk.ns and his wily band of lawyers are finally driving local T-shirt shop Joe College out of business. The downtown store will close Wednesday, so get your hilarious "Cole .45" shirts and other memorabilia while you can.

Richard: "Say what you will about Larry Sinks' blatant infringement on trademark law, the guy gave us some fucking funny shirts."

In other T-shirt news, a local East Side artist has created a shirt which features a reproduction of the recent Oread Hotel graffiti: "SHOUT PEACE." The shirts were all the rage at this morning's East Side YART sale.

Chip: "I have reported these shirts to the local authorities and the artist will soon be interrogated to make sure he or she was not involved in the graffiti incident. Also, I think anyone wearing these shirts should be arrested on suspicion of anarchy. Also, I think anyone wearing a Che Guevara shirt should also be arrested. The guy was a revolutionary."


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It's always hip when rowdy young punk stars abandon their noise for a career of sensitive folk, and local hipsters will get an opportunity to witness such a transition today at the Replay when Tim Barry, of Richmond punk band Avail, plays a mellow set for the early evening drinkers. But just because he's gone acoustic on us doesn't mean he can't still kick your ass. Check out this interweb story in which Barry explains the recent asskicking he gave a heckler in Canada:

"I was quickly explaining that this song is about now and living lightly and more kindly in ways that perpetuate good so that there are things left for the people coming after us and as I'm trying to explain this the fucking guy just keeps heckling me brutally, so I invite him onstage. I said no one can hear you so I gave him a microphone. So I said now that you have had your say I'm going to explain to you again what this song is about. So I repeated my words "My best friend Travis killed himself" and he replied, "Well, he doesn't sound like much of a friend," and I just beat the living shit out of him onstage."

Richard: "Replay hipsters are forever running their mouths during all quiet sets, so I expect a full-on brawl tonight. See you there."

Friday, March 26, 2010

Weekend Box-Office Report

Readers, Hot Tub Time Machine opens today and Chip hasn't been this excited about a movie since Jackass II. Reviews so far are...better than one has any right to expect.

The AV Club, while awarding the film a so-so C+, nonetheless champions the "undercurrent of wistful melancholy" inherent to all time-travel films and even to one "as scatological and silly as Hot Tub Time Machine." Ultimately, however, AV Club says the film's "authentically ’80s-style casual sexism, gay panic, and frat-comedy clichés" prove less than satisfying.

Chip: "I think it will be nice to see a bit of old-fashioned 'casual sexism' and 'gay panic' instead of a modern bromance where I'm constantly nervous that the male leads may actually end up fucking each other."

The NY-Times offers a much more positive take on the film:

"Hot Tub Time Machine” is the poignant story of three men, adrift in their 40s, who try to recapture the lost joys and squandered possibilities of their youth. I’m not entirely joking, though the movie itself is a nonstop barrage — somewhere between a riot and an orgy — of crude, obnoxious gags and riffs...The cultural detritus piled up everywhere, to be recycled, cherished, mocked and travestied, provides small — but nonetheless real — compensation for the spiritual deficits of modern life."

Richard: "I'm going to pretend that that last sentence was from an NY-Times review of this blog."

Thursday, March 25, 2010

This Week in Local Legislation / Hipster of the Week! / Style Scout

The state House of Representatives has now approved a bill to allow students to carry concealed weapons on college campuses: http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2010/mar/24/house-approves-concealed-carry-campus/

Do the boys approve?

Chip: "Finally, students will have a means of defending themselves against KU's liberal brainwashing."

Richard: "I don't necessarily approve, but I'm certainly not willing to go in unarmed against a group of students who are possibly packing heat. Anybody have recommendations for a nice firearm?"

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In this important new series, we'll be showcasing each week a local hipster who is making a difference in our community. Our first subject is Mr. Gavon Laess.g, prominent podcaster and writer for Lawrence.com. Gavon's primary responsibility for Larryville's chief guide to hipsterism seems to be finding and posting videos of cats doing hilarious things. Check out this startled kitty which Gavon has titled "OMG Cat": http://www.lawrence.com/news/2010/mar/23/omg-cat/

But Gavon also finds time to write exhaustive personal stories that often feature pictures of himself shirtless, such as a recent piece about his chestwaxing and this week's account of his attempt to eat five rice-bowls as part of an eating challenge at Larryville's new Japanese noodle shop, DonDon (Chip: "How many fucking noodle shops does this town have?"):












Readers, if you know of a local hipster who merits inclusion in this series (or if you think you may be such a hipster yourself), please send us details.


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In today's Style Scout, we meet Chris Lovely, who describes his wardrobe as "Mad Men" meets Harvey Birdman" and his style as "Mr. Rogers chic." His current favorite fashion trend is "Argyle everything": "Never underestimate a man in a nice sweater."

So, is he fashionable, or isn't he?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Boys Answer Reader Mail / Band Cancellation of the Week

One of the most-asked questions at the LC is this: "I'm very intrigued by Anna Undercover's stripper blog and I'm wondering how I will recognize her in person if I visit the Outhouse. LC, can you help me?"

Readers, we can! Although Anna never provides pictures of herself on her blog, her most recent post offers a description of her preferred stripper attire:

"I've been rocking the pin-up girl look for a while now, and typically wear cute, 'modern' black lingerie with pink or white ribbons and bows that suggest the preferred styles of the 50's and 60's...FYI to people who haven't visited me at work: As a rule, regardless of the rest of my get-up, I wear fishnet thigh-highs and big, black, Bettie Page-style retro-ish platform heels. My hair is always in two pigtail-type loops with twin white bows pinned above them. What brings the look together, of course, is the infamous belt/whip I wear around my shoulders. (Sugar and spice always was a lie)."

Go forth, and get yourself a lapdance. And, if you don't want to risk getting arrested during the drunken drive back home through the cornfields, consider taking "The Booby Bus." (special thanks to Farmer Dave for reminding Richard of the existence of the Booby Bus during last week's St. Patty's Parade).

Chip: "If I so much as hear the Booby Bus drive by, I get a magnificent boner."

Check out the website here, complete with fascinating pictures of the interior of the Booby Bus (which is decorated with pictures of naked boobies):

http://www.theboobybus.com/














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With so many gigs scheduled in Larryville each week, it's only natural that a few of these will be cancelled. Many clubs try to post such information on their websites as soon as possible out of consideration to their patrons while others, like the Replay, tend to assume their customers are drunk enough that they won't notice whether or not the band shows up: for three bucks, you pays your money and you takes your chances.

Here's a notice we spotted on Lawrence.com yesterday, posted by a helpful reader regarding last night's early show by These Are Powers at the Jackpot:

"This show should show as canceled. Talked to the band in Austin and they were forced to cancel a week of dates due to van malfunction and a hospitalization due to barbershop skin infections...".

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Boys Consider the New Album by She and Him / Local Album Cover of the Week / Lost Fanboys Speak Out!

Perhaps hipster It-girl Zooey Deschanael has lost a bit of her hipster luster through overexposure of late, but the boys still want to bang her as much, if not more, than they did last year.

She's back in the limelight this week with the release of She and Him: Volume 2 and, according to Pitchfork, the album is actually (and surprisingly) .2 points hipper than Volume 1 (this one receives a 7.6):

"On the sequel, Deschanel seems more confident as a singer, songwriter, and vocal arranger. She still has more personality than range, but has learned to maneuver around the parts she can't nail in order to sell them."

Chip: "I'd nail her parts, if you catch my meaning."

Here's Zooey (in Time Out New York) discussing the ukulele: "I like the way it sounds and it’s just so cute!"















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If you love local freak-folk (and who doesn't?) but are tired of Drakkar Sauna, make sure to check out the new album from The Ants, Stories About Killing.* Here's the album cover, which we think you'll agree is totally adorable (Chip: "I like the bunnies.").

[* Note: Album does contain some backing vocals from Drakkar Sauna].














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Tonight's episode of Lost features a pretentious Latin title, "Ab aeterno" ("Since the beginning of time"), and centers around fanboy-favorite Richard Alpert. It's also six minutes longer than normal, giving the writers ample time to continue NOT answering any of the fans' burning questions.

Let's check in with today's AICN talkback very briefly.

3D-Man says: "Have you guys seen this theory about the island being on a MOON? Check it out! http://obscuresound.com/?p=4175

Monday, March 22, 2010

A Quinton's Bartender Discusses KU's March Madness Loss! / Also: Recent Concert Reviews

A quote from today's UDK:

"Andy Alldredge, a bartender at Quinton’s Bar & Deli...said the bar was extremely busy with people watching the game. But after the game ended, about half of the bar stormed out. “Most of them left their tabs open and left their credit cards here,” Alldredge said."

Chip: "Shit. I forgot my credit card."

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It's always hip for a band to perform an album from their back-catalogue in its entirety at gigs, as Sonic Youth recently did with Daydream Nation. Larryville's own Appleseed Cast decided to get hip this past weekend at the Record Bar by treating audiences to both "volumes" of Low Level Owl, their 2001 masterwork(s). Hugh Welch's Pitch review is worth quoting at length:

"To listen to Low Level Owl 1 and 2 song by song with headphones is like listening to a springtime forest with ear canals clogged by cotton balls: it's a work that must be heard summatively and in person to be understood. In many ways, the Appleseed Cast's members have more in common with classical composers than rock artists. Sometimes called America's answer to Radiohead, I believe the Appleseed Cast is more akin to a German group called Popol Vuh, known largely for scoring Werner Herzog's films. They're evocateurs of mood, ensnarers of states of being...

As my heartbeat attuned to the flitting and faltering of John Momberg's drumming, I envisioned myself seated on a petrified log amidst the thickets of the wilderness, pondering nature's symphony. And there were other times - prompted by the ache of Pillar and Christopher Crisci's minimalist guitars - that my mind's eye latched onto scenes of depravity (a hunter's bullet deadening the swagger of an ornately-arrayed turkey) and monstrosity (a fleet of bulldozers pulverizing underbrush)...The mushrooming guitars and brain-befuddling repetitions resulted in a severance of spirit from flesh. When the music stopped and the lights cued, I had to pull my ID from my billfold to remember who I was."


Chip: "(A) I'd rather listen to an actual springtime forest, and (B) this reviewer is obviously on mushrooms."

Cl.thier: "(A) Is 'summatively' actually a word and, if so, (B) is it used correctly in that review?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

March Madness Coverage Continues (and Ends!) / Plus, The Boys' Book Club Gets Academic On Your Ass!

Chip has called KU's second-round loss to Northern Iowa last night "the worst thing that has happened to Larryville since Quantrill's Raid." Agree or not, we have to admit that it's certainly changed most of our plans for the next two weekends, which were to consist of getting shitfaced at random times of the day and night and praising this year's team with a near-religious fervor.

Despite the shocking loss, however, surely the best thing for us to do is rally around the coach and team and thank them for a great season. Coll.ns, you can still wave that cock around proudly in public, as far as we're concerned.

But why do we have a feeling that many local "fans" disagree? Let's see what they have to say today on the message boards.

heterohilfiger says: "Dear Brady Boringstar, can you please stop wearing those baggy sleeves under your jersey? You may as well be wearing sweat pants under your shorts. Such a bad look. And maybe step up your game when Sherron is having a rare off night?... I really can't see you and your sleeves leading us. Cut the sleeves off any maybe you will be more aerodynamic or at least look better while your tail is tucked between your legs in the tournament."

HighEliteMajor says: "Unfortunately, I drove to and from OKC from the KC area yesterday for that fiasco. My mood is not one of humility. I have said this all year, only to be called "disloyal", etc. by those that drink the Kool-Aid and have "blind-faith". Where are kvskuball, blownjay, babyjay1, jayhawkinmullen, ginger 2015, etc? The "it is right because coach Self says so", the "you're not a division I coach like coach Self", the "enjoy the ride" crowd? Enjoying the ride now? How smart is coach Self now? And how dumb are all of us that sounded the alarms this season?"

trueblue9 says: "Bill Self is one desparation 3 from Davidson as being regarded as the biggest joke in the coaching profession. I'm willing to overlook the fact that Davidson missed."

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KU's English Department recently courted (and lost) an academic superstar who gave a stirring lecture on what he called "remix culture," a loosening of our arguably too-strict standards regarding plagiarism and source documentation that might allow more of a sense of freedom into writing. David Shields' new work, Reality Hunger: A Manifesto, also addresses these ideas. The book consists of "618 numbered paragraphs, more than half of them drawn from other sources, attributed only at the end of the book" (NY-Times). The NY-Times nicely summarizes Shields' argument:


"There is an artistic movement brewing, Shields writes. Among its hallmarks are the incorporation of “seemingly unprocessed” material; “randomness, openness to accident and serendipity; . . . criticism as autobiography; self-reflexivity; . . . a blurring (to the point of invisibility) of any distinction between fiction and nonfiction.”...Reality is a landscape that includes unreal features; being true to reality involves a certain amount of wavering between real and unreal. Likewise originality, if there can ever be any such thing, will inevitably entail a quantity of borrowing, conscious and otherwise."


What do the boys think?

Richard: "Call me Ishmael."

Chip: "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The LC's Pop-Culture Corner Considers Kristen Stewart / Hipster Concept Album of the Week!

The boys increasingly have a serious boner for Kristen Stewart, who remains best-known for her role as Bella in the Twilight films (Chip: "New Moon is out on DVD today. OMG!!") but who is quietly amassing an excellent body of work in smaller films like hipster-favorite Adventureland. She can next be seen as Joan Jett in The Runaways. AICN's Capone, in his review of the new film, offers this passionate defense of the actress:

"...the truth remains that all of you who claim that her one and only acting move is tugging at her hair should a) get your head out of your ass, and b) go see this movie to be proven wrong. No hair pulling here (unless it's by another woman). I remain unmoved in my strong belief that outside of the TWILIGHT films, Stewart is one of the best actresses of her generation."

In the talkback, Alphanumeric1971 clarifies: "We don't just say she tugs her hair. She also bites her lower lip. Alot."

Honorable Rev. C says: "Agreed."

Also, in a piece in the new Rolling Stone, Joan Jett her own self explains her advice to Stewart on how to play guitar: "Pussy to the wood. Fuck the guitar."

Readers, will this film be awesome, or won't it?

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If there's one thing we love, it's a hipster concept album. And if there's two things we love, it's a hipster concept album about the Civil War. Titus Andronicus's The Monitor gets a very high 8.7 from Pitchfork:

"...it all turns out so ridiculously fun-- with Ken Burns-style readings of speeches from Lincoln and Jefferson Davis, daguerreotype cover art, and song titles all participating in the reenactment-- that it never even begins to approach the pretentiousness these elements might suggest."

Richard: "It's good, but in terms of recent concept albums, I prefer Shearwater's The Golden Archipelago, which comes complete with a 50-page supplemental booklet detailing the singer's 'well-documented interest in ornithology and academic work focusing on migration patterns.' (Pitchfork, 7.9 rating)

Friday, March 19, 2010

Hipster Pick of the Day: Rooftop Vigilantes at the Replay / Local Band Photo of the Week / March Madness Coverage!

Richard himself has never actually seen the Vigilantes (though he's seen at least eleven bands featuring various members of the Vigilantes), but we still enjoy giving them a lot of press here at the LC. We're not alone, though. The Boston Phoenix recently voted them Kansas' best band in their "50 States/50 Bands" poll:

"Out of a kinetic scene in Lawrence, the head of the class at the moment is the raucous Rooftop Vigilantes. Defiantly sloppy Midwestern rock, à la the Replacements— for whom they have an understandable boner, and whose “Can’t Hardly Wait” is in their repertoire — the RVs traffic in 100-second hook-laden punk-pop drive-bys, ascendant with a maniacal “Runaway” Farfisa organ that adds Del Shannon–ish flavor."

Richard: "Fifty bucks says they do a cover of the 'Mats 'Alex Chilton' tonight in tribute to yesterday's fallen hipster hero. Also, I love all reviews that feature prominent use of the word 'boner.'"

In other local hipster news, Lawrence.com features an intriguing photo of another beloved local band: Fourth of July. King Tosser claims that Fourth of July has the sexiest fans in town, but it's a bit hard to understand that assertion based on the picture (which we assume is an ironic take on family photos):
















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After an ugly first half, the Hawks dispatched Lehigh's Mountain Hawks easily enough in the first round of the tournament, busting Chip's bracket all to hell.

Our favorite on-line talkback quote of the day goes to "bbeckum," who says:

"This is exactly what I would expect from a team picked to win by a socialist president. Jeeze: distribute the points. Pass the basketball. Play team defense (in the second half). Next thing you know, they'll be playing a zone--the ultimate expression of collectivism."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Hipster Pick of the Day / Style Scout!

If you're a true Larryville citizen, you've probably partied many times in "the Bull House" near the stadium, which is currently occuppied by local rockers Fourth of July. But, for the rest of the public, tonight is your chance. Ten bucks will get you a seat in the "bohemian enclave" (Lawrence.com) for a house concert by Omaha folkie Simon Joyner.

Chip: "This is the only venue I can think of that's scarier than the Replay."

Richard: "Does the ten dollars include free weed?"

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We haven't checked in with Style Scout for several weeks because it's been unusually dull, but Katy Seib.l is back today with a couple of intriguing subjects.

First is Alex Ward, Chip's friend from Forttt Scottt (seriously) and member of local up-and-coming rock act Noise FM, who is often told that he looks like "Peter Petrelli from “Heroes"...Johnny Depp, Peter Pan and slightly sleazy actors in general." He describes his fashion style as "Preppy indie rock, but more Britt Daniel of Spoon than Vampire Weekend." As you can see from the picture, Alex was scouted at a local laundromat: "I've got a washer and dryer; I just like to watch things spin around."

Alex's Style Scout on Lawrence.com, which just appeared today, has already been commented upon by none other than local stripper Anna Undercover, who responds with "Cute guy alert!"

Must be nice to be a rock star, Alex!

Ladies, is he fashionable, or isn't he? (and remember that he will probably read this blog!).





















Then there's Lyda Kendrick, 27, less quirky on the whole but we're intrigued by the "secret" she reveals to the Scout:

"I don’t know if the underwear I have on belong to my mother or my sister, but I don’t think they’re mine."

Chip: "Gross. But yet that secret gave me a boner?"

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patty's and Recent Concert Reviews!

Readers, if you are reading this today, why? It's St. Patrick's Day. Go get drunk and enjoy a Thin Lizzy cover band. ("What I enjoy most is the pinching of the asses of the girls who do not wear green." --Chip).

But if you are reading, check out these two excerpts from recent concert reviews.

Once again, the Pitch opted not to cover the hippest show in town last night (Woods/Real Estate), but instead sent Nick Spac.k to cover Omaha's Digital Leather at the Replay:

"Unfortunately, I was distracted throughout much of their set by a very fucked up young lady who was shuffling and dancing all over the bar. After attempting to give several male patrons unwanted lap dances, and losing her coat, she was eventually hauled away in a fireman's carry by someone who obviously knew her."

Chip: "Is there such a thing as an 'unwanted' lap dance from a very drunk young lady?"

Richard: "The 'fireman's carry' is the standard technique used to take women home from the Replay and is sometimes also known as the 'caveman rescue.'"

But Digital Leather wasn't the only local concert this week to feature rowdy behavior. Former-Kink Ray Davies took the stage at Liberty Hall on Monday. Though local hipsters couldn't afford a ticket, the crowd nonetheless included, according to the KC rock blog Back to Rockville, an "overzealous guy in [a] goat mask with a copy of George Orwell’s famous book who kept screaming for “Animal Farm.”

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Brackets! / Hipster Pick of the Day / Lost: Fanboy Comment of the Week!

Perhaps the word you've heard most around town this week is "brackets." Yes, March Madness has arrived and the #1 ranked Jayhawks' inevitable march to the championship begins Thursday in Oklahoma City against Lehigh. An important piece in today's LJ-World offers several approaches for filling out your brackets prior to the festivities.

KU Junior Lauren Pollmiller uses the "hot coaches" technique (choices based on looks), whereas Scot Pollard, 1320 AM sports commentator, claims (perhaps sarcastically?) to favor the "dumb blonde" technique: "I look at the two names, and think of which color, mascot, city or state I like better."

All of our feminist readers: "Well, I certainly won't be listening to 1320 AM again!"

The article, however, fails to consider what's commonly known as the "Chip technique," the perpetual assumption that KU is utterly doomed. Yes, Chip's bracket reveals he has picked Lehigh in the first round.

---

Sure, tonight's Jackpot show may not have the pure hipster frenzy of the Surfer Blood show attached to it, but you can bet hipsters are going to pack the house for two Pitchfork-approved bands: Woods and Real Estate.

Woods' new album, Songs of Shame, gets a very solid 8.3 from Pitchfork, which explains their sound in this manner: "On their three previous albums-- released in limited editions on a variety of formats across a choice selection of micro-labels-- Woods created a distinctive blend of spooky campfire folk, lo-fi rock, homemade tape collages, and other noisy interludes, all anchored by deceptively sturdy melodies."

Richard: "I fucking love spooky campfire folk. But I tire easily of noisy interludes."

Opening act, Real Estate, scores an even better 8.5: "The bedrock here (see "Fake Blues") is almost krautrock-y in the way each layer repeats itself, a bent that might prove too drowsy for some. But as is the case for much of the experience, Mondanile adds classic rock sugars throughout, taking off on a solo at the three-minute mark that unbuttons everything really gracefully."

Cl.thier: "Pitchfork's use of clothing metaphors here (layers, unbuttoning) is really quite clever, with the promise of nudity serving to give hipsters a real boner for this album."



Richard: "Wow, I hope that local hipsters realize that tonight's bands combine for a stunning 16.8 on the Pitchfork scale. See you at the Jackpot!"

---

This one's for Lost-watchers only, but this fanboy's summation of the first six episodes of the current season makes us laugh:


KateObviouslyDidntGoBlack says:

"The season so far, in summation:

LAX: "What's going on?"

What Kate Did: "What's going on?"

The Substitute: "Candidates?"

Lighthouse: "Candidates?"

Sundown: "I'm a candidate?"

Dr. Linus: "Candidates?"

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Pitch Review Saturday's Other Major Hipster Show / More Avatar News

Apparently none of the usual media outlets (aside from the LC!) bothered to attend and review Saturday's Surfer Blood show. Perhaps it is even hipper NOT to attend the hippest show of the year. But local Pitch correspondent Nick Spac.k was on hand across the street at the Jackpot for a set by Kid Congo Powers (whose hipster reputation is forever secure due to stints in the Cramps, the Bad Seeds, the Gun Club). Here are a few excerpts of his review:

"I remember standing at the side of the stage with some acquaintances, and we'd look at each other after every song, and say, "Wow." Every song. (One exception: The guitar freakout on "Black Santa" might've gotten a "holy fuck," or at least it did in my notes.)"

"Kid Congo clapped his hands, and glitter appeared everywhere, like magic."

"The band was wearing matching matador outfits. Everyone was dancing and having fun -- hell, I was dancing, and I can count the number of times I've done that sober on...actually, no hands."

Richard: "I knew something was missing from the Surfer Blood gig and I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. Now I know. They weren't wearing matador outfits. Also, why does EVERY single Pitch review have to note whether or not people danced. Is this the sole sign of a successful concert?"

Chip: "Yes."

---

Perhaps you thought James Cameron might shut up and go away for awhile once he lost to his ex-wife for Best Director/Best Picture and his Avatar finally started dwindling at the box-office. But no, he's still around and saying stupid shit about how his film has "kind of gotten stomped out (in theaters) because of Alice in Wonderland." (USA Today). Lucky for us, Cameron hopes to bring an "enhanced" version of Avatar back to theaters in the fall. We have no idea what this means at the moment. Has he discovered a whole new dimension, somehow?

Also, Cameron hopes to give his former greatest hit, Titanic, the 3-D treatment as well and get it back on the big-screen in 2012, which has led to a wealth of fanboy jokes about seeing Kate Winslet's breasts in 3-D (along with other Winslet films that could be improved with such technology). Here are a few from the AV Club:

George Liquor: "Kate Winslet's 17-year-old mosquito bite boobs wouldn't exactly jump out at you in 3D."

kjb1 says: "If Kate Winslet's breasts are "mosquito bites", I'd love to see what your idea of well-endowed is, George. Are you dating Chesty Laroux? It's nice to see that I'm not the only one who looked at that headline and immediately thought of Naked Kate."

Joseph: "Can't wait to see her armpit hair in The Reader in true 3D the way it was meant to be seen."

Cuntnugget retorts: "Seen enough of Kate's Winslets already. I AM looking forward to seeing Lenny D's little gnome face sinking into a 3D watery grave though."

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Local Concert Review: Surfer Blood

Readers, THE hipster show of the year has now come and gone and, judging by our willingness to pack ourselves into every uncomfortable nook and cranny of the Replay Lounge, it was the most important show any band had ever played, anywhere. Luckily, many hipsters are tall and skinny, so the Replay can fit more of them than a normal bar. Even so, every fire code and safety violation was surely broken last night and the antipication perhaps almost rivalled the legendary Larryville appearance by Eddie Vedder's side project, Hovercraft, at the Bottleneck, an occasion where concertgoers (reportedly) attempted to sneak into the venue via the air ducts (we weren't actually at that show, but we often claim we were, in an effort to get laid by Pearl Jam fans).

Many things were learned at last night's gig, such as:

--The best place to watch an uber-crowded Replay gig is from the very back corner, just under the specials board, which offers a surprisingly decent sightline and easy access to PBR (and terribly muffled sound but, fuck it, it's better than standing directly behind that 7-foot tall dude).

--Meeting someone you previously know only from the internet will not necessarily get you immediately murdered. Yes, Richard and his Eudoran friends have spent many fine hours cavorting on a music web-site known as Blip, where they create their own DJ alter-egos (DJNog!) and chat with other music-loving friends from around the globe. Anyway, the point is: it was nice meeting you, DJ-makinitrite from KC (aka, Robin).

--Hipsters are actually capable of showing emotion, squealing at the opening chords of songs they recognize just like tween girls at a Miley Cyrus gig.

But what about the band, you ask? Well, as with any true hipster gig, the music was more or less beside the point. The band knows however many songs are on their debut album, three or four of which are very catchy, and they play them loud and raggedly. King Tosser remarked late in the gig that he "smelled a scam," but Richard feels the band delivered what we all wanted: a chance to say we were at the gig, a story we can tell our children someday, perhaps when we share our first PBR with them, and long after Surfer Blood has been forgotten (which of course makes them even hipper).

Four out of four PBR's.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Today in Local Sports

Readers, it's "Fake Patty's Day" at the Replay, and we hope you started your day off with their breakfast specials (green eggs and Hamm's...get it?). Perhaps Richard will pop in this afternoon to check out KC's SXSW-bound Grisly Hand, and of course everyone who's hip in Larryville will be at tonight's Surfer Blood gig.

But the town is currently more preoccupied with the Big 12 tournament, which has turned into yet another Sunflower Showdown. Can KU beat K-State a third time this season? Is Chip so nervous he's actually leaving the country? And will last night's near street-bawl with A&M materialize fully tonight. It seems that KU sports opinion writer Tom Keegan is hoping so:

"Breathe on Collins the wrong way, and he’ll twist it into a slight, and when he does that he’ll reach down your throat, grab your heart, rip it out, stomp on it and laugh at everyone who had the unmitigated gall to hope it still has a few beats left in it."

Chip: "And after that, he'll wave his dong around on an elevator in a celebratory fashion. Truly, he's the best we've ever had."

Friday, March 12, 2010

This Weekend in Local Art / Also, Another Visit to Anna Undercover's Stripper Blog!

Perhaps you're looking for something to do this weekend besides watch basketball or listen to Surfer Blood. Let us recommend a Sunday night art opening at the Pig called "Let Liberty Be Nude," which Lawrence.com describes as follows:

"A study on a nude Statue of Liberty. An extensive series illustrated and printed on canvas by artist Donnie Lee."

Richard: "This sounds like a powerful image to embody how our freedoms are constantly being 'stripped' away."

Chip: "If I boned the Statue of Liberty, I'd ask her to leave her crown on."

---

And while we're back on the subject of nudity (as requested by someone posing as Beth in the comments but was almost certainly Dr. X), let's check in with Anna Undercover's stripper blog today. In a very touching entry, Anna relates the story of a regular customer who became a good friend until one day he violated the strip club rules:

"...for once, he did want a dance. As I told you in this entry, he put his mouth on my boob. "What the hell!" I'd said. "I thought you said you'd follow the rules!" He didn't apologize. I saw red, but said nothing further about what he did. I was too pissed. I finished the dance, took his $300, and stiffly bid him good bye."

Richard: "300 dollars?! What the hell indeed? Would it really be too much to let him put a mouth on a boob for that price?"

Chip: "I guess the question of when you can put a mouth on a boob is just as confusing in a strip club as it is in real life."

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The LC Considers Corey Haim / Weekend Box-Office Picks

Relax, readers, we're not going to make snarky comments about another sad passing of a former child star. Truth be told, we're fans of Corey, and often find ourselves perusing the special "Coreys" shelf at Miracle Video (Chip: "That shelf is very near the porno room.").

But the fact is that we live in a culture of internet talkbackery, where the death of a celebrity is no more immune to cynical commentary as is the opening of a new film from that Robert Pattinson kid who every woman wants to fuck right now because he plays a pale vampire in the Twilight films.

Let's see what the AV Club talkbackers are saying about Haim:

Just a guy says: "I look forward to his 20-minute Hughes-esque tribute at next year's Oscars."

Aosuke says: "He now has a License to Drive...in heaven."

And, in an unrivaled bit of cruelty, Hey Hays says: "One down, one to go." (referring, of course, to Corey Feldman).

Then, mizerock, offended, says: " Would you make these remarks to your mother? Or to a group of co-workers? Friends? Seriously, sometimes I question the value of the internet for our society, when the semi-anonymous nature of it devolves so make people into "top this!" levels of rudeness and inappropriateness. Or, on the other hand, maybe this is what most of the world is really like, and without constant reminders of it, I'd quickly forget the true nature of man."

To which Chico von Guacamole retorts: "1.) @ mizerock - I make remarks that are much more tasteless to people I know every single day, so it isn't the anonymity of the internet that is responsible for my comments. 2.) Personally, I blame poor breeding. Either that or the intoxicating aroma of your mother's pussy is clouding my judgement."

---

Here we interrupt with a spoiler-alert regarding that aforementioned Pattinson film, Remember Me, which opens tomorrow. If you plan to see the film (Chip!), you should probably stop reading at this point.

Nick Pinkerton's review in the Village Voice is just as snarky and hateful as most internet talkback forums and insists on cruelly giving away the ending: "(Far be it from me to spoil the surprise; let's just say Robert Pattinson dies in 9/11.)"

Chip: "I didn't stop reading, but I'm sure I'll cry anyway."

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Boys' Country Corner Returns!

In today's edition of "Country Corner" we examine Blake Shelton's "Hillbilly Bone." The song seems, at first glance, a simple tale of the narrator initiating a city boy into the ways of the country, but is it actually a thinly veiled declaration of homosexuality on the part of the speaker? Perhaps. Take a look at these early lyrics:

"I took him honky tonkin' and that was it
He took to it like a pig to mud, like a cow to cud
We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside
No matter where you from you just can't hide it."


Chip: "If we 'queer' this text, it becomes quite obvious that the 'hillbilly bone' is not the city boy's innate predisposition toward country living but rather a quite graphic description (bone, deep inside) of the city boy initiating our rural speaker into the ways of 'city' (meaning gay) loving, along with a tacit acknowledgment of the speaker's own emerging homosexuality: 'you just can't hide it.'"

Richard: "Exactly right, Chip. And these next lyrics cleverly extend the idea:

When you see them pretty little country queens
Man you gotta admit that's in them genes
Ain't nothing wrong, just getting on your
hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone-bone


While the lines may initially appear a mere celebration of attractive country gals, coupled with a bit of hilarious wordplay of genes/jeans, it's also possible to read 'queens' in a more 'citified' sense, as in gay men, and these lines end with a powerful acceptance on the part of the speaker: 'ain't nothing wrong,' followed by the rhythmic 'bone-ba-bone' that suggests their lovemaking. The song then proceeds to move from the personal to the communal, queering not just the speaker but the audience as well, a common technique we see in such seminal gay texts as Kushner's Angels in America: 'We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside.'"


Readers, we'll leave you with a few final lines for you to interpret yourselves, but how can you NOT reach the same conclusions, and don't you think our argument is worthy of publication in an academic journal?

"All you need is an open mind
If it fires you up you gotta let it shine
When it feels so right that it cant be wrong
Come on, come on, come on"

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

When Hipsters Become Comedians / Pictures from Rusc.n and the Pitch / Lost Fanboys Speak Out

Local comedy in Larryville has been around for awhile now, but no one has considered it "hip" (much of it exists in the form of college improv groups and outfits like the Felt Show, which features excellent puppets but sloppy, unfunny writing). But the TapRoom aims to change this with an occasional event called Sketch Bags which, despite its name, is not sketch-comedy but rather an evening of stand-up comedy from local hipsters who fancy themselves comedians. Many of them are apparently musicians as well, such as local songbird Suzannes Johannes, who relates "humorous yarns about her boyfriend's baldness" (Lawrence.com).

Organizer Jason Barr refers to the event as an "underground, anti-comedy comedy show."

Chip: "I think anti-comedy means it's not funny, right?"

Richard: "Actually, it's more like comedy that doesn't rely on traditional punch-lines. You know, similar to hipster favorites such as David Cross and Brian Posein and Zach Galafinakis, though his increasing crossover appeal in mainstream comedies like The Hangover demands that hipsters reject him."

Chip: "But if there are no punch-lines, how do I know when to laugh?"

Richard: "Just laugh when others do, Chip."

Check out a podcast which features live audio from the events on Lawrence.com. It begins with some fart noises, which are apparently funny in comedy and anti-comedy alike.

http://www.lawrence.com/news/2010/mar/09/sketchy-comedy-standup-revue-filled-bunch-sketch-b/

The next Sketch Bags is tomorrow. See you at the TapRoom.

---

A. Rusc.n is already back with more "party pics" at Lawrence.com, this time from last week's Family Night Fashion Show at Teller's (Chip: " 'Family night' is a code word for gay, right?").

Let's check out one of them. We're not sure what's happening here, but it doesn't look very professional (click to enlarge and observe the two guys on the sidelines, one of whom seems to be trying to stifle his boner).




















Shortly after perusing these 'party pics,' Richard checked out a slideshow of photos at the Pitch spotlighting last weekend's huge bull-riding competition at the Sprint Center in KC. This one made him think: Sweet lord, I've got to get out of the Replay once in a while and see what the rest of the world has to offer:




















---

Tonight's Ben-centric episode of Lost is titled "Dr. Linus" and is directed (mysteriously) by Mario Van Peebles. Will it be a very special "blaxsploitation" episode? Let's hope so. Ben is a fanboy favorite, and the episode, judging from fanboy talkbacks, is highly-anticipated.

billypilgrimisunstuck says: "LOST to me is what football means to most men."

Chip: "I think he's put his finger on exactly what's wrong with Lost geeks."

The biggest fanboy complaint of recent weeks is the sudden appearance of a lighthouse on the island, which apparently went unnoticed by the characters for five seasons. Luckily Huckster Finn explains it succinctly:

"Lighthouse is not visible to certain people...Because it's Jacob's, and Jacob can appear to those we wants to appear to, he endowed Hurley and Jack with the ability to see it. Or perhaps it can only be visible from up close and not far away. Therefore, you won't see it unless you know where it's going to be. That's why it's never be on any of the maps & diagrams. It's obviously not meant to serve as a real lighthouse, as it's Jacob's magical lighthouse. If you can buy into a smoke monster, an electromagnetic, timetraveling island that heals people, is it so hard to believe in a magical lighthouse??"

Richard: "Exactly, Huckster. Exactly."

Monday, March 8, 2010

LJ-World Editorial of the Day: A Passionate Defense of the Flamingo Club! / The Return of Rusc.n's Party Pics!

Some of our readers may remember an editorial we showcased last week, in which one Mr. Mark Jarboe took issue with the ties between the Flamingo Club (AKA "The Dirty Bird") and various local St. Patrick's Day events such as the Shamrock Shuffle.

Luckily, someone (Craig Tucker) has stepped in to defend the Bird's good name in an editorial published in today's LJ-World. Here are some excerpts:

"As a past runner in the Shamrock Shuffle and an occasional patron of the Flamingo Club, I take exception with Mark Jarboe’s unfair, ridiculous criticism of the Flamingo’s association with the St. Patrick’s Day events...No one forces ladies to dance for a living or forces people to view such events. People do so because they enjoy it and it is their choice. Patrons rarely disrespect the ladies, and putting hands on the dancers is prohibited."

Chip: "Well, the best lapdancers do usually allow you to squeeze the titties during a dance."

"There has even been an occasional men’s dance group such as Chippendales perform at the club with numerous female patrons attending. So is this also crude and degrading?"

Richard: "From what I've learned in Hollywood romantic comedies, women constantly shout lewd comments at male dancers during such performances, whereas guys in strip clubs tend to just lie quietly on the stage with a dollar in their mouths."

"Let’s be honest. Most American men enjoy observing attractive ladies disrobe and dance, it’s only natural. Men that deny it are not being honest, so why not permit ladies that choose so be able to profit from it?


Chip: "This Tucker has a flawless argument, although it seems to have drifted from having anything to do with the Bird/St.Patty's Day connection to a simple yet passionate defense of watching naked women dance."


---

Local hip-hop shows are a great way for boring white hipsters to pretend they are in touch with African-American culture and bond for a few hours with their one or two actual black friends. In these photos from Lawrence.com's newest "party pics," scenester extraordinaire A. Rusc.n takes us inside the world of local hip-hop at a recent Greg Enemy show (click to enlarge).

In the first one, we see some white folks offering their take on "gangsta" poses:

















Next up is a woman posing with her best black friend but still looking vaguely uncomfortable:





















And, finally, a look at just how white the audience really is for these things:

Sunday, March 7, 2010

A Visit to Bill Self's Twitter Page (and one more Sammy Ryry joke!) / Weekend Box-Office Report!

The Jayhawks ended the regular season yesterday with a solid thrashing of Mizzou and, judging from Self's Twitter page, the team had a great time on the way home:

"Beautiful out today. Happy bus heading home. We were good in spurts. . Watching a movie. Coach t picked the movie....TAKEN with liam nelson"

Richard: "First off, it's Liam NEESON, for fuck's sake! Second, I'm surprised that Coach T. didn't pick a Sammy RyRy film, such as her directorial debut: Sorority Sluts."

Chip: "It's hard to believe there hasn't been a porn flick called Sorority Sluts before. Also, this is our fourth straight day of RyRy jokes and they STILL give me a raging boner."

---

Sure, this weekend's movie news is mostly about tonight's Oscars (can Sandra Bullock win a Razzie for Worst Actress--All About Steve-- and an Oscar for Best Actress--The Blind Side--in the same weekend? It's looking that way!).

But fanboys also have a lot to say about Tim Burton's new take on Alice in Wonderland. Let's check in with AICN to witness the fanboys turning against a former hero:

Kentucky Colonel says "Would Burton please start fucking Cate Blanchett or Vera Farmiga. I'm getting really turned off by Helena B. Carter showing up every fucking time."

SlimButNotreally says: "Johnny Depp Looks Like A Woman Part 6...that's what this movie should have been called...also, CG midgets. stupid crap. Burton is a hack."

YackBacker says: "Tim Burton is an intellectual lightweight...Aside from ED WOOD, which was a simple enough story, he has yet to make a film beyond something a kid could manage with finger paint and a 2-Liter bottle of Jolt cola."

And one comment about the AICN review itself:

Chadley BeBay says: "Massawyrm -I fucking hate you. You are such a douchebag and your wikipedia info on Lewis Carroll impresses NO ONE. You knew precisely shit about him before this article. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP."

Saturday, March 6, 2010

The Boys Consider Late-Night Food Carts on Mass. Street / Also: A Public Service Announcement

Downtown Larryville is constantly looking to provide more services for late-night drunkards. In addition to this spring's impending rickshaw service ("To the Replay, sir, and make it snappy!"), several KU students are petitioning the city fathers that food carts be allowed to operate late at night for those who may need a hot dog after an evening at the bar (current legislation prevents vendors from operating after 9:00 p.m).

Richard: "Sure, this is great for undiscriminating bargoers who just want a quick bite after an evening's drinking, but what about the Larryville foodies? I hope Robert Krause will consider a late-night taco stand so I can have a fried-banana taco at 2:00 a.m."

Chip: "During my recent trip to Esquina, I asked if they could please leave off the peanuts on my chicken taco and I was politely informed that I might prefer Taco Bell instead."

---

Readers, we occasionally get discouraged at the lack of commentary regarding our hilarious hipster updates and boner jokes, but then along comes a greeting like the following, which addresses a recent post and appeared in our inbox yesterday to remind us that the world is truly full of Good Samaritans with all of our best interests at heart:

"Richard,

Somebody could hurt themselves jerking off to a sideways picture like that. As a public service, I've rotated it for you in case you want to offer an alternative view."






















Thank you, kind reader! And, as for the rest of you, continue rubbing one out to Sammy Ryry and Big Jay!

Captain Chanute: "Ten bucks says Big Jay banged her later while wearing that Jayhawk head."

Friday, March 5, 2010

Local Prudes Speak Out!

As expected, the news that Assistant Coach Towns.nd bestowed KU basketball tickets on an adult film star (tickets to the most important home game of the season, no less!) did not sit well with many citizens, leading Townsend to issue a statement explaining that he met Samantha Ryan on a plane and had no idea she was a porn actress and leading Coach S.lf his own self to step in and assure us that no crime had been committed.

Captain Chanute: "The only crime is if Townsend did NOT get a blowjob out of this incident."

Elsewhere in Larryville prudery, Mark Jarboe has written a rousing letter to the LJ-World decrying the fact that this year's Shamrock Shuffle will begin (due to road construction) at the Dirty Bird (Flamingo) strip club:

"The association of the Flamingo Club with our city’s St. Patrick’s Day events has always been disturbing. According to lawrence.com, an informational World Company Web site, the Flamingo Club is a “nudey joint.” According to this same Web site, lap dancing is available at the Flamingo Club. As a result I will not participate in this year’s race; I will not go inside the Flamingo Club."

Chip: "Come on, Jarboe! A little post-race lapdance would certainly help relax you. Pre-race would be nice too, although I suppose it's hard to run with a boner, and I do intend the pun on 'hard' in this sentence."

At least one of our faithful readers, Honorable Reverend H, will be participating in tomorrow's event. Is she bothered by the run's association with the legendary Northside "nudey joint?"

Honorable Reverend H: "Lighten up, Jarboe. It's just a titty bar."

Thursday, March 4, 2010

This Week in Larryville News (Porn Stars at Senior Night!) / Also, This Week in Top City News!

Just when you thought Eddie Rabbit was surely the coolest celebrity to attend a KU home game this year, along comes the news that adult film star and former KU alumnus Samantha Ryan was front and center for Senior Night! An LJ-World blog led us to a sports blog called The Big Lead which led us to Ryan's Twitter page (thank you!), which features tweets such as this:

"So excited for my floor seats at the KU/KSU game! Coach Townsend kicks major ass! Rock Chalk Jayhawk Go KU!"



(it also contains tweets such as this: "Good 2 C U! RT @ryankeely:just had 8 million orgasms with @msindiasummer mmmmm & now i'm bringing wine over to @sammyryry 's hour. gigiddy!" ).

Ryan also includes this nice picture of her posing with Big Jay (which shows up sideways for some reason, so you may want to turn your computer on its side before beating off to it, Chip!).




















You can follow "SammyRyRy" on Twitter here:

http://twitter.com/sammyryry

Richard: "Sure, Sammy RyRy has been in over 140 porn films, according to the talkbackers, but I'd still rather bang Longhorn Girl from the Texas game."

---

It's been a busy week in Topeka. First, Mayor Bill Bunten issued a proclamation changing the city's name (unofficially) to "Google" for the month in "a bid to become part of Google's fiber-optic broadband test" (Wall Street Journal):

"The proclamation itself even goes so far as to praise every aspect of Google’s corporate philosophy, saying that Google’s belief in “every employee” mirrors the city’s belief in every citizen’s importance."

Chip: "I think what he meant to say was "every citizen" except the gays."

According to the LA-Times, the city also briefly changed its name in the mid-90's to that of a Pokemon character, ToPikachu.

Richard: "Yes, and it will always be Topikachu to me."

Meanwhile, the state legislature "gave preliminary approval to a bill that would designate little bluestem as the official state grass..."Let’s get her done,”... state Rep. Bill Otto, R-LeRoy, said" (LJ-World).

Richard: "I wonder if Bill Otto quotes Larry the Cable guy after every proposal that he makes and I'm guessing he does."

Chip: "State grass? What about K-2? Get it?"

By the way, you can still see a re-post of Otto's now-legendary Redneck Rap on Youtube, complete with a defense of his work (which many declared racist) and a comparison of himself to Will Rogers. Please watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vI1DgmjKwio

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Today in Local Sports / Oscar Coverage Begins

Obviously, the talk of the town right now is this evening's match-up between KU and K-State, both currently ranked in the top five. According to Chip, a loss in tonight's game will likely result in a twenty year downward spiral for KU's program, akin to what happened to K-State after a similarly epic contest in the late 80's (as always, Chip will not be watching the K-State game and instead plans to spend the evening in a cornfield outside town, wearing headphones and listening to the new Michael Buble album). Tonight also serves as the final home game (Senior Night) for local hero and elevator dick-waver Sherron Coll.ns, who has promised to deliver a heartwarming, tear-drenched speech after the game. Will he wave around his cock one final time in a victory salute? Go Hawks!

---

The Oscars arrive on Sunday, and the heated, neck-and-neck battle between sci-fi 3D blockbuster Avatar and low-budget war film The Hurt Locker has divided the nation. Chip, a supporter of the mainstream, will be hosting an Avatar-themed event where guests dress as Na'vis, while Richard believes that, the less viewers a film has, the better it must be, and supports The Hurt Locker 100% percent.

As usual, the Academy failed to recognize several important pictures (despite expanding the number of Best Picture nominees from five to ten), and today the boys offer a brief commentary on what got left out.

Richard: "I won't say that Transformers II was a great film, but the scene where the little robot humped Megan Fox's leg touched me more than anything in Precious. It's just a powerful commentary on the natural human desire to hump Megan Fox's leg."

Chip: "Is Hotel For Dogs nominated? I enjoyed that one."

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

HUGE Hipster News of the Day: Pavement Playing in KC! / Also, Bill Self's Tweets and Fanboy Comments on Lost!

Thanks to local rock columnist Nick Spac.k for tipping us off to the news that the reunited Pavement will play in KC at the Uptown on September 11. That's right, lazy hipsters. You don't have to drive to Chicago's Pitchfork Music Festival after all.

Chip: "Never heard of 'em."

Pavement's reunion tour is selling out across the globe, but are the tickets being purchased by the old-guard hipsters (who are normally immune to such nostalgia and unwilling to pay more than five bucks to see a band) or a younger wave of hipsters who never got a chance to see Pavement the first time around? We think it's almost certainly the latter.

Richard: "I can see important new bands, such as Surfer Blood, for three bucks at the Replay, for fuck's sake."

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Just when local fans were starting to think the Jayhawks might make it through the Big 12 undefeated, along came Oklahoma State, whose easy thrashing of the Hawks this past Saturday led to statements such as this on the local message boards:

Lawrenceguy40: "I've said it many times before, but bill self is a LOSER. We will have many "what might have been" seasons with him. He is another roy williams - but got lucky here, once!"

But what does Self himself have to say. Let's check his Tweets:

"Had a day to analyze sat. Can't discuss in only 140 characters. Can't wait 4 practice today and ksu prep. #4 needs a grand finally."

Richard: "Wow, the guy is so upset he can't even come close to spelling 'finale.' correctly, or even distiguishing it from another word entirely."

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Most readers probably have no interest in Tuesday's Lost-related fanboy excerpts, but we find it endlessly amusing, so here are a few quotes from AICN talkbackers regarding tonight's Sayid-centric installment of the show.

ThrowMeTheIdol says: "You completely missed the point Royston. I wasn't criticizing the show, I was saying I thought the island might be a ship of some kind."

crezwell says: "baby" in clares cot. did anyone else think it looked like a mini tawaret statue? looked like an animal skull with a fake babies body. havent seen many hippos in lost yet tho to get the skull from "

And lostboytexass wins our prize for funniest fanboy quote of the week:

"Last week, in the scene where Jack is at his wife/ex-wifes house (referred to as David's mother's house) and he's listening to the old answering machine messages (that were either deliberately saved or never listened to), wel. in my opinion the "The Who - Maximum R&B" poster on the wall does not refer to anything or any one Lost related and, in fact, may have NO actual plot related significance at all.
Think about it."

Monday, March 1, 2010

Recent Concert Reviews / Also, Hipster News From Brooklyn: A Hipster Bus?

One of our favorite new blogs is called Too Much Rock, a hipster rock blog out of KC which offers reviews of smaller shows that the Pitch isn't likely to cover.

The newest entry tipped us off to what sounds like a must-see KC band called The Straight Ups. Here are some excerpts regarding their recent performance at the Record Bar:

"Bacon wore a full gi (you know, the karate uniform) ornamented with lightning bolts and a curious bike helmet...".

"At one point Moroso produced a bag from the back of the stage, informed the audience it contained treats for later, and then knowingly demanded that no one touch it until then. Moments later a masked ninja sprung from the back of the stage, grabbed the goodies and slipped into the audience. Bacon shouted "Ninja Attack!" which launched the band into that selfsame named sloppy punk-infused number, and launched Moroso awkwardly into the audience to retrieve the treats. After some Power Rangers-styled fighting amidst the audience, the ninja was finally subdued. Once the bag was given up, the ninja slinked off, and Moroso, sounding like a Saturday morning breakfast cereal commercial, explained that "The ninja tries hard, but he never gets the candy."

"Somehow it made perfect sense that drunken fans booty dropped throughout the set, or that another dancer "flossed" her crotch with a scarf while the band rocked through ridiculous numbers like "She Loves My Rock and Roll" and "Cock Mountain."

Richard: "Let's admit, first off, that 'Cock Mountain' is truly a brilliant song title, rivaled only perhaps by the tune that Larryville's own Leotards recently penned about yours truly, which is titled "Sugar Dick" And I think it's safe to say that if the Leotards would simply get themselves a ninja and start flossing their crotches on stage, they'd be offered some gigs immediately."

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Yesterday's NY-Time Sunday Styles section offers a fascinating account of a "campy, nautical-themed bar in the West Village" which has recently begun bussing in hipsters from Williamsburg on Monday nights to ensure their bar is always full. The bus is "tricked out with a dance floor, moody lighting, a D.J. and free alcohol."

Some excerpts:

“This bus is a little bit like going back to the New York of the ’70s or ’80s, when it wasn’t about the money, it was about the spirit,” said Richard Mark Jordan, an actor from Bushwick who was gyrating in the aisle with friends and high-fiving strangers. His revelry, while enthusiastic, seemed tame when compared with the crazed riders chanting “Party bus! Party bus!” while pounding their palms on the bus’s windows."

Chip: "Morons. It's a little bit like going back to the 'party-bus' of the frat boy days (a world these hipsters never knew), except that this bus is filled with boring hipsters instead of sweet college pussy."

"A woman in preppyish attire who in another context might be mistaken for a Congressional aide tried to crawl through a roof hatch, but her progress was blocked by a bolted cover... “This is raging!” said Ryan McGaffigan, a 32-year-old sales manager in a wool cap, plaid shirt and ’50s-style glasses. He had just polished off two Buds “shotgun” — puncturing the can and finishing it in one long swig."

Readers, Monday night is fast approaching. Will Captain Chanute be boarding this bus?

Check out the article here, which begins with a nod to Hunter Thompson, insulting the good Doctor's reckless reputation by comparing him to this bunch of half-assed hipsters who couldn't party, Gonzo-style, if their lives depended on it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/fashion/28discobus.html