Monday, August 31, 2009

The LC's Photo of the Week!
















In a very unexpected turn of events, yesterday's kickball championship trophy was awarded not to the Eastsiders, Pita Pit, First Blood, or Love Garden, but to...Richard, whose comprehensive coverage of the season was deemed a far greater feat than any of the drunken buffoonery on the fields.

Richard: "I'd like to dedicate this to the Eastsiders. Also, I hope that Katy Seib.l sees this picture, because I think she'd be very impressed."

Chip: "This may be the single greatest blog picture since the one of me flying a kite with that old man in a park."

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sunday Kickball Coverage: Championship Edition!

Readers, there's no point in talking about anything else today. The Final Four of local kickball gets underway at 5:00 today with the championship game at Hobbs slated for 9:00.

Richard's friends, the EastSiders, have made it to the Final Four and they have spent most of their week in serious training and meditation, refraining from PBR and sexual intercouse to keep their minds and bodies pure for their 5:00 face-off with Pita Pit. Good luck to them.

Richard, on the other hand, has been trying to use their newfound hipster fame to get himself laid ("Sure, I'm good friends with King Tosser and Coatesy. I can probably get you ladies an autograph.").

Oddly enough, Candlepants hasn't found the time to offer his usual commentary on tonight's championship at the official website (presumably because his team is out of the running and he no longer gives a fuck). However, the website does offer this final thought before the great showdowns begin:

"May this season come to a close in a sportsmanlike manner."


We can only imagine this means that the streakers and the Pooh Bear guy should not enter the field DURING the final game, and that the PBR-cannon should not be deliberately fired at anyone's face.

See you at Hobbs.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Boys Consider Local Bicyclists! / The LC's Country Corner is Back!

On the last Friday of each month, Larryville bicyclists (along with those in many other major cities) take to the streets in an event called "Critical Mass," the purpose being to "raise awareness of their presence on local roadways" by...flagrantly disobeying traffic laws and making general asses of themselves. The LJ-World offers a description of yesterday's event: "...after circling the roundabout at the Chi Omega fountain multiple times while motorists sat at a standstill and watched, the pack headed out onto such busy roadways as Iowa, 23rd and Massachusetts streets." A local rider quoted in the article explains his experiences in Larryville: "“You get yelled at a lot. I’ve been shot by paintball guns and all kinds of stuff.”

Chip: "And if they'd cease organizing events such as this I'd put away that paintball gun."

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The boys' favorite recent country song is the Zac Brown Band's "Chicken Fried," which contains a chorus that is perhaps the best-yet summation of the boys' personal worldview:

"You know I like my chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up"


While the song seems, at first glance, a relatively simple celebration of life's small pleasures, a later stanza takes a darker turn, with this frightening suggestion that, if we don't kill our enemies, they might take away our fried chicken:

"I thank God for my life
For the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring.
Salute the ones who died
And the ones that gave their lives
So we don’t have to sacrifice
All the things we love
Like our chicken fried"


Chip: "That's more powerful than any ten recruitment speeches right there. The song simultaneously makes me proud to be an American and ravenous for some KFC."

Richard: "Agreed. It makes me wish I had a gun in one hand and a drumstick in the other."

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Boys Examine Fanboy Culture (Megan Fox Edition) / Also: Manthers! (Thanks to Beth for This Important Term) /

Megan Fox is a polarizing figure within fanboy culture. On one hand, she stars in films that fanboys MUST see (Tranformers) and every fanboy wants to bone her. On the other hand, those films are nearly unwatchably bad and she comes across in interviews as wildly arrogant.

This weekend brings an opportunity that most fanboys won't be able to resist, however, as Ms. Fox will be visiting X-Box Live to play the new Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen video game with fans. Here's the scoop: "If you're an Xbox LIVE Gold Member (if not, upgrade now!), and you want a chance to play with Megan Fox, send a friend request to the following Gamertag and be online half an hour before (5:30 P.M. ET) the Game with Fame session starts on Saturday, August 29, 6:00 P.M. ET."

Chip: "It's going to be hard to play the game one-handed, if you catch my meaning, but I'll give it a shot."

A visit to Ain't It Cool News reveals that many talkbackers are also pretty excited.

V'Shael writes: "If she'd been alive 2000 years ago, they'd have built temples in her honor. Her body needs to be 3D scanned in detail while she's in her prime, so that when we finally invent sex-bots or holodecks, we can all bone the fuck out of her."

Readers, here's a photo so that you can take a look and decide for yourself if V'Shael is simply a perverted fanboy or a wise man who realizes that 3-D can do more than just add depth to a farting guinea pig children's film?




















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Although it seems utterly obvious, the boys' were not aware of the term "manther" (older men prowling for younger women) until their friend Beth recently informed them. The website www.urbandictionary.com offers a solid definition:

"Noun. Origin: the male form of a "cougar", man + panther= manther. An older man who frequents bars, lounges and clubs, never a genuine gentleman, ranging from ten to fifty years older than his victim. Usually carries an unusually fat wallet, wears too much cologne, and dresses younger than his age. May over-frequent the tanning beds and gym, have trendy/dyed facial hair such as a soul patch or goatee, may use the terms "baby", "sugar tits", or other female defamation when trying to pursue his prey. If balding, may never take off his ball cap in order to hide his aging hairline. Manthers always seem to evade the question of their age, previous or current marriages, children, and most things regarding their past (unless it has to do with thier old frat/college football days). Manthers prey on their younger victims in order to gain popularity amongst their fellow mathers, as well as for a sexual high. Some manthers are extremely good looking, stylish and somewhat gentlemanly. Others are old, drunk dirt balls with a lot of money and a feeling of self-entitlement."

Richard: "I don't necessarily like to think of myself as a 'manther,' but I suppose much of this does hit pretty close to home. I certainly do spend a lot of time in tanning beds and use the term 'sugar tits' a lot when summoning Quinton's waitresses over to bring me another beer."

Thursday, August 27, 2009

This Week in Kansas Racism / Campus News / Hipster Photo of the Week

At a recent town hall meeting in Larryville, Republican US Representative Lynn Jenkins of Topeka spoke of the GOP's need for a "great white hope" to stop the agenda of Obama and the Democrats. Naturally, Larryville liberals are a little riled up at her choice of phrase. We highly recommend the LJ-World talkback on this one, which features exchanges such as this:

"I've heard it all my life, and it was never once used in a racially-inspired manner”

"It's *original use* was racially inspired, smart guy—white people who didn't want a black man to be boxing champ. Like I said earlier, you are a fool."


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And a bit of a controversy erupted on campus yesterday when two evangelical ministers on Wescoe Beach were shouted down by the godless liberal student population.

Chip: "I've said it before and I'll say it again: there's nothing worse than an intolerant liberal. But they'll regret it when they go to hell for shouting at the preachers."

Across the way at Memorial Stadium, Coach Mangino greeted fans for yesterday's open practices with this speech:

“A lot of people come here and they say, ‘Boy, Memorial Stadium is a pretty place,’ “We don’t want pretty. We want hostile. You make it hostile.” (LJ-World)

Chip: If ever there was an invitation to bring back the 'Rip his fucking head off' chant, this is surely it."

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Larryville's intrepid hipster photographer, A. Ruscin, is always busy, and her newest Lawrence.com photo spread from the recent Iglu and Hartly concert at the Jackpot showcases her always stellar work. This photo shows the pervasiveness of the town's hipster art world. Yes, that's an "Asteroid Head Art Club Would Like To Have A Word With You" T-shirt, and if you're looking for the perfect birthday present for next weekend's Nogglefest, look no further (click to enlarge):

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Changing Face of Downtown Larryville / The LC's Reality Show Pick of the Week / And the 'Mittens Hit the TapRoom

In this continuing series we explore new developments on the downtown scene. The city fathers have recently been considering legislation that would restrict the number of restaurants/bars downtown because they are far outpacing retail establishments. While the boys initially opposed the plan, a recent stroll along the 700 block of Mass. made them wonder if the city fathers might be onto something (for once). In the old home of Palace Cards and Gifts a sign proudly proclaims that the chain restaurant Noodles and Co. will soon join us. And just a few doors down the Dynamite Saloon has opened its swinging doors, attached to the undying Buffalo Bob's BBQ.

Chip: "I've long been a vocal supporter of new chains downtown. Currently the only decent restaurant on Mass. is Pizza Hut. But do we need another restaurant that doesn't serve a chicken-fried steak? And do we need another noodle shop, for that matter? Isn't Zen Zero bad enough?"

Richard: "I was initially opposed until I visited their website (www.noodles.com) a few seconds ago. The site is so adorable it's like a Transmittens video or something! I'm totally having the Japanese pan noodles."

Chip: "Now Dynamite Saloon, on the other hand, looks promising. Unlike that pseudo-saloon down the street that's always full of hipsters, this looks like the kind of place a man might get in a fight and eat a slab of ribs."

Richard: "I'll wave at you from across the way at Vermont Street BBQ, which is where we hipsters get our ribs on!"

---

Since Shark week ended, the boys have been searching for something similar to fill that void which can only be filled by the hilarious sight of predators chomping on hapless victims. Luckily, they've discovered Animal Planet's "I Was Bitten," which explores "the most intense bites and their gruesome aftermath," focusing on everything from dog bites to bear attacks. The boys prefer to call the show "I Got Bit" and often discuss it while on the town.

Chip: "I'm hoping to be interviewed in an upcoming episode regarding that time I had a nasty chigger bite on my ass."

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Readers, the Transmittens will take the stage tonight in the local venue best-suited to their unique talents. Yes, they'll be at the TapRoom tonight with opening act Zanin’s Magic Crayon, "a one-man project based on the work of Brazilian indie-pop band Magic Crayon" and which features "ukulele, electric guitar, and spoken-word elements" (Lawrence.com).

Cl.thier: "That's exactly what I had planned for my own future side-project. Back to the drawing board."

Here's the classic photo from the last time Richard caught the 'Mittens in action.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Origin Stories of Local Bars / Recent Concert Reviews / Festival of the Week

The LJ-World's weekly "lifestyle magazine," Go, caught readers off-guard this week with a story that is almost interesting: an exploration of the names and storied histories of local boozing establishments. Among the things we learned:

--Wilde's Chateau 24 is indeed named after Oscar Wilde (although the mysterious 24 refers only to the venue's address).

--The Hawk is about more than just pussy. It's also the oldest establishment on campus (really?) and was once known for it's $1.25 blue-plate meat-and-potatoes specials. These days it's a very different kind of meat market and, in our opinion, surely all the better for it.

--Henry's upstairs is named after a dog.

The story offers no information regarding the origins of the Replay Lounge, allowing Richard to continue believing what he's always believed, that the bar was willed into existence by a Supreme Hipster Being who rules over a magical land of "sparklemittens" and "cow clouds" with a PBR in hand at all times.


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The release of a new Drakkar Sauna album is always a major event in Larryville, although Richard is secretly convinced they'll never record another song as great as "Very Much Alone, Part 4: Oh Fuck, I'm Fucked, Fuck," Sadly, the boys missed their recent CD release party, so we'll turn to the Wayward Blog's new Larryville correspondent Nick Spac.k for a review:

"I didn't stick around for Drakkar Sauna's set, unfortunately. After over-indulging the night before, shooting pictures at the Lawrence Busker Fest all evening, and the hideous smell coming off the gentleman next to me, I'd had it, and needed to make it home. Seriously ... the fellow knocking back from his private pocket stash of whiskey smelled as if he's bunked with a wet dog, and then gone for a bath in skunk juice."

Chip: "This is my new favorite journalist. Never before has someone so accurately captured the smells of a local concert."

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One of the boys' favorite events returns to KC this Saturday: Bacon Fest. Here is some information from the website:

"Guests will enjoy: live music with a special performance by Bacon Shoe, signature bacon bloody mary, bacon centered food samplings, Bacon 101 Cooking Demonstration, Bacon Eating Contest, Pig Calling Contest, Best Bacon Recipe Contests and each guest will get an event t-shirt all their friends will be jealous of."

There's no joke here. It's just that real men enjoy bacon. Long-time fans may recall our post on the "Bacon Explosion," a "massive torpedo-shaped amalgamation of two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce".

Chip: "I had some for breakfast."

Monday, August 24, 2009

This Week in Kansas News: No Freak-Dancing, Please! / Also, This Week in Campus News: New Alcohol Policies/ And Chip's Photo of the Week

The boys' eyes were naturally drawn to this startling headline in today's LJ-World: "Schools crack down on 'freak dancing.'" They are referring to what the kids today called "grinding," and Wichita area administrators have had just about enough of it:

"It was to the point where I thought, 'If a member of the community came up here and watched our kids dancing right now, would we be proud of this?' And the answer was no."

The schools have placed "no grinding" posters throughout the halls, but administrators say their efforts are not succeeding.

Chip: "Dancing has always been forbidden in Forttt Scottt, along with sex while standing up, which can sometimes be mistaken for dancing. It wasn't until I moved to Larryville and went to Abe and Jake's that I learned to grind. I've always thought it helped people learn useful sex moves."

Richard: "I agree with Chip and believe that good grinding skills should be taught in any worthwhile sex-ed class."

Chip: "It probably is, at KU, at least in Dennis Dail.y's course."

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In the wake of last semester's on-campus alcohol-related deaths, KU has instituted a mandatory on-line alcohol awareness course that must be completed by all students under the age of 22. While the boys favor this policy, they also can't help cynically imagining scenarios in which frathouses throw parties in which the members see who can pass the course after downing the most Jaeger shots.

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Chip: "In the midst of Larryville's incessant hipsterism, with its PBRs and its 'sparklemittens' and its ukuleles, we see this lone man picking a guitar on a trailerbed. I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that."*

*That last line is, of course, a Big Lebowski reference, a film that Chip has only seen in its edited for television version, which replaces Walter's famous repeated line "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass" to the more audience-friendly, if baffling, 'This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps'".

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Busker Fest Day Two (Recap in Photos!) / Also: Local Progressives of the Week

Richard: "This is New York's Two Man Gentleman Band. I'd love to be the 'Third Gentleman' and join them on ukulele to tour the country singing songs about William Howard Taft."

















Chip: "This guy is named Mooncalf and why parents would willingly let their children volunteer to hang out with him onstage is beyond me."

















Chip: "These girls are hula-hoopers, and I'm not sure they are really part of the festival, but I can almost see the ass of one of them. She's the only one I tipped all weekend."
















This is Mary Lou Strong Woman, one of the world's only three performing strong women (according to her), and she is about to rip a KC phone book in half straight down the middle. The boys have rarely been so frightened and aroused at the same time.



















This is surely not...? Could it be...? Yes, it's LC's favorite local fashion model, Katy Seib.l in the front row at the Mary Lou Strong Woman show!

Chip: "I'd like to busk her, if you catch my meaning."

Richard: "I'm not sure it makes sense, exactly, but it's funny."


















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The LJ-World's front page story today concerns the Brown family, who just became the "proud owner of a Teener neighborhood electric vehicle" (LJ-World). This Teener, which is limited to streets with a 35 mph speed limit, is only one of 26 known to be in the US.

Chip: "If I see this thing crawling through my neighborhood, I'm going to kick it over on its back like a fucking turtle."











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It's week two of post-season kickball in Larryville, and you'll want to check in with Candlepants' blog prior to heading out to make sure you're aware of all the action on and off the field. Here's an important update:

-Regarding the Screamers, Captain Swaggarty has graciously offered to rescind the results (via email) of their two games because of inadvertently using an ineligible player. Therefore, the bracket now reflects a ToePokes (W) and Screamers (L) as well as a Replay (W) and Screamers (L). Matt Whitesell assures me that Replay will be fielding a team and fulfilling their ref responsibilities. If the Replay choses not to play, they will be responsible for ref duties this Sunday."

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Larryville Busker Fest (Day One Recap) / Plus, Look Who's Twittering Now: Nick Collison Edition!

As the Busker Fest kicked into high gear, Richard and company were serenaded by the Two Man Gentleman Band's tunes about the Hindenberg, "reefer," the economic policies of Adam Smith, and "fancy beer." Despite Chip's warnings, their pockets were not picked, and they ended up at Harbour Lights where a man in a chicken suit invited them on a pub crawl on an upcoming Saturday to raise money for the local humane society. Richard, scared of urban chickens (particularly talking ones), did not commit. Later, a young woman named Cory joined them at a booth to explain why it was okay for certain "well-read" women to enjoy the Twilight series. Since Richard didn't know her well, he managed to restrain himself from asking if she had yet purchased a "Vamp." (to get this joke, we refer you to yesterday's blog).

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Larryvillians fondly remember local basketball hero Nick Collison, who now plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder NBA team ("Never heard of 'em." --Richard). Collison was recently taken to task on an OKC sports radio show for a series of tweets in which he complained about Oklahoma weather while extolling the many joys of his off-season home in Seattle.

Chip: "Despite the LJ-World's prominent editorial on this issue, it seems like a non-story. Plus, everyone knows that the best basketball-related Twitter feed belongs to Sherron C.llins. That guy has a lot of hilarious anecdotes about whipping his dick out on elevators."

Friday, August 21, 2009

LJ-World Article of the Week / A Public Service Announcement from Chip / And The Return of the LC's Consumer Corner!

With classes back in session at KU, the LJ-World has offered four special sections this week of impressive reporting on campus life. Perhaps the strongest of these sections was the series of profiles of important campus figures such as Bernadette Gray-Little, our new chancellor, and student Abigail Anderson, whose best friend is platinum-selling country superstar Taylor Swift. The article recalls what was, for most of us, the highlight of last semester: Swift's unexpected appearance in Anderson's Journalism course, which culminated in a "Beatlemania-type hysteria" (LJ-World).

Chip: "I should have boned Swift while she was in town. She would easily have been the most famous person I've boned."

Richard: "Who is currently the most famous?"

Chip: "Some chick from the Forttt Scottt Hooter's."

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Chip: "Readers, despite my extensive and increasingly angry year-long letter-writing campaign to the city fathers, Larryville has seen fit once again to allow a dangerous tribe of nomadic street 'performers' into town for this weekend's 'Busker Fest.' More reckless still is that promoters are suggesting we tip them, which is pretty much just asking them to grab your wallet and run, after stabbing you repeatedly. If you've been planning a weekend getaway, by all means take it now."

Richard: "I can't decide if I'm more excited about Mama Lou Strong Woman or T. Texas Terry, the cowboy comic."


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Since many teens, tweens, and lonely women around the world have spent recent years fantasizing about sex with undead boys (due to their perverse fascination with the Twilight series), it's only natural that businesses should capitalize on their desire in any way possible. Enter (!) Tantus Direct, a California sex-toy company currently marketing a new dildo called "The Vamp." Sure, the company can't legally use Stephanie Myer's copyrighted characters and titles, but the ad copy suggests they have cleverly found a way to attract fans of the series:

"The Vamp is a realistic form dildo... with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow.... Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle." from: http://tantusinc.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TD&Product_Code=VAMP

Richard: "This is great for vampire fans, but what about the ladies who are horny for werewolves? At the LC, we are hard (!) at work on a line of Harry Lupus' Furry Boner dildoes that are sure to bring a little lycanthropic ecstasy to Harry's many female fans."

Chip: "But all this caters to women. Isn't there anything out there for guys who want to fuck female monsters?"

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hipster Event of the Weekend: North vs. South Music Festival in KC / Also, Weekly Fashion Update!

Larryville let a good thing slip away last year when hipster-legend Mike McCoy's North vs. South Music Festival moved from its former homes at the Replay, Jackpot, and Louise's over to KC (reportedly due to a falling-out between McCoy and the Replay). The festival remains in KC again this year, but local hipsters should seriously consider making the trek over for the annual showdown between Minneapolis and Austin's best hipster bands, especially after reading this description of the band Vampire Squid.

"The prawn-rockers are connoisseurs of WTF styles ranging from psycho punk-jazz to drunken-circus prog. Did we mention that the giant squid mask comes with a giant squid penis? Well, it does." (Pitch).

Chip: "I'd rather bring the music showcase back to Larryville and send the busker festival over to KC. It's easy enough to avoid the bands, but it's hard to escape the buskers."

Richard: "Drunken-circus prog is probably my favorite genre right now, aside from possibly the bleepy-blippy sounds of '8-bit, chiptune, and bitcore' which will be showcased each Thursday at 10:00 on KJHK's new show 'Blip the Universe Forever.'"

Chip: "There's really a genre called 'chiptune?"

Here's the new schedule on a poster designed by Eric Dobbins from Wonder Fair Art Gallery (click to enlarge):



















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Like all other straight guys, the boys are happy that Project Runway finally returns to television tonight after a long, much-publicized delay. While we wait, let's check in to see what the LC's favorite fashionista is wearing this week: "liquid leggings." Thanks to our friend Beth, we were recently informed of the current trend of 'meggings' (men's leggings), but can men pull off the liquid leggings look?

Katy writes: "I don't know if they're even "in" anymore, but I love the reactions I get when I wear them. It wasn't terribly hot today, and I have fall on the mind, so I finished the look with some moccasin booties."





















Chip: "I'd make a 'booties' call, if you catch my meaning."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Downtown Lawrence Human Bingo Game! / Also: This Week in Henry Brothers' News

Lawrence.com offers a new idea to make your downtown excursions more interesting: human bingo, in which you garner points for spotting Larryville's most famous local characters (and other things). Here are a few on the list:

1 Dennis (the guy that carries around kids toys and dresses like a kid)

2 Peace Rob (the guy that dresses 60s style! dont forget to give him the peace sign back!)

3 Maraca Lady (extra points if she can keep a beat!)

4 Simon NOT asleep outside replay (Thats my dillons guy, blanketman, etc)

5 Honk For Hemp (mostly on saturday nights and sundays)

6 White Owl or his car

7 Walking Pipe man (older white guy that walks up and down the street smoking a pipe)

8 Balloon Man

9 Sax Man
...

41) Wendell (small, tanned 60-ish man with a limp, who often wears a panama-esque cowboy hat. He's really friendly, and often sits in front of the Red Lion. Or Aimee's, or Henry's... )


Richard: "I think the list should also include '40 year old pervert dude' (me) and 'guy in Ottawa Tennis shirt' (Chip).


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With KU's football season mere weeks away and a big 12 North title looking like a legitimate possiblity, the LJ-World sports pages are, of course, maintaining an unwavering focus on...men's basketball (Self has a beard!) and specifically on the Henry brothers, who finally arrived in town earlier this week after a long summer of "maybe we will and maybe we won't."

In this new series, the LC will try to synthesize some of the most important information gleaned from the LJ-World and local message boards.

--Xavier owns a "wooden warrior necklace" and you can see a picture of it in today's paper.

--CJ is not interested in dating. Sure, one might expect a 23 year old millionaire in a Range Rover living away from the dorms in an off-campus pad to bang his way through most of the student population, but he tells the LJ-World that everything besides basketball and homework is "nothing to me."

--After finally settling on Kansas, Xavier is completely confident in his decision: "Even if it's not the place, this is the place so it has to be the place....Nothing's happened to tell me it's not the place." (LJ-World).

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The LC's New Bar Alert! / Health-Care Rally on 9th Street / This Week in Campus News: Self's Beard!

The boys get excited whenever a new bar opens (current favorite: Wilde's Chateau), and Frankie and Johnny's sports bar on 23rd Street promises to be another excellent addition to Larryville's vibrant boozing scene. The owners are taking major preventive measures to eliminate the kind of violence that has recently plagued local venues such as Last Call and Club Axis. The steps include: "metal detector wands at the door, a dress code and walking custormers to their cars at the end of the night" (UDK). Owner John Perrine claims that his securite personnel has been hand-trained in "crowd control, 'verbal judo,' and alcohol awareness" (UDK).

Richard: "As best as I can tell, the owners are actually named Frankie and Johnny and seem completely oblivious to the fact that many of us associate those names with the song 'Frankie and Johnny,' a famous early 20th-century murder ballad. Perhaps not a great sign for a bar that prides itself on peacefulness. Also, I may well challenge these bouncers to a bit of 'verbal judo' some evening. I get mouthy when I'm drunk, though rarely violent."

Chip: "The dress code here is even stricter than the Power and Light district's. While the P & L seems mainly concerned with keeping out black folks, Frankie and Johnny's 'no athletic wear or jerseys' should effectively keep out the fratty types (and myself). And "no plain white t-shirts' will prevent me from wearing my 'wife-beaters.' What the hell am I supposed to wear to this joint? Perhaps a marching band jacket? I hear those are in right now."

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Even as I write this, the Larryville chapter of moveon.org is hosting a "honk if you support the health care plan" rally along 9th Street outside the offices of their local hero, Democratic Congressman Dennis Moore. Click the picture for a better look at this "83% of Marxists love the public option" sign:















Chip: "I'm very scared of the 'death panels' and my favorite thing to do right now is shout incomprehensibly about them in a Town Hall format."

Richard: "I'm disappointed that the tall dude who normally flashes the peace sign at that intersection has chosen not to join them."


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The talk of campus today is Bill Self's beard! Yes, Larryville's most important figure appeared at last night's "Traditions Night" looking a bit 'grizzly.' According to him, the rugged look is the result of a lost bet and he'll be keeping it for a bit. Perhaps Dr. C will write in and remind us of his scientific theory regarding beards and short skirts? (we can never quite remember how it goes). Here's a photo of what the LJ-World's front-page sports story calls Self's "furry" look.










Chip: "Who cares about a beard? I've seen this guy's penis at the Yacht Club."

Monday, August 17, 2009

Night on the Hill / Hipster Concert Review of the Week / Busker Festival Coverage Begins

One of Larryville's most legendary events occured in 1992, when the free campus concert series known then as "Day on the Hill" brought to town a little on-the-verge rock band called Pearl Jam, attracting an estimated 16,000 people. It's become an event that nearly every Larryville resident claims to have attended (even Richard, who believes that Pearl Jam has always been overrated and who didn't actually move to Larryville until many years later).

Like most great events, the quality has steadily declined over the years and the event is now barely noticed and rarely occurs during the day or on the actual "Hill" because "the Man" doesn't like students trampling on the grass. But this year the event has managed to book an interesting act, a little on-the-verge electro-indie act known as Passion Pit, the kind of band that would easily attract local hipsters if they were playing at a venue where PBR was allowed but will now likely only attract a few cool kids and some bewildered frat boys.

In a very positive review (8.1), Pitchfork says that Passion Pit's new album, Manners, is "every bit as likely to bring to mind a successful night out with friends, or the party where you finally got to talk to that person you've been eying all semester. The video for "The Reeling" certainly helps with that visualization, but in a manner similar to layers of faux-flesh being peeled off Angelakos' face, the cracked-up lyrics themselves ache for some sort of connection after realizing the futility of physical and emotional bunkers."

Cl.thier: "As a poet, I'm usually opposed to violence, at least off of the soccer field, yet I'd like to punch every Pitchfork reviewer right in the nose."

The show has been moved to the Lied Center due to rain. See you on the dance floor.

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Hipster-favorites Los Campesinos! recently returned to the area (KC's Record Bar) and the Pitch's Wayward Blog had a reviewer on the scene. The following sentence from the review tells you pretty much everything you need to know about the ridiculousness of hipster life:

"However, all it took was the opening synth melody from "This is How You Spell 'Ha Ha Ha We Destroyed the Hopes and the Dreams of a Generation of Faux-Romantics'" to get me jumping and singing along."

No further commentary needed here.


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On the horizon is the second annual Lawrence Busker Festival this weekend. Are the boys excited?

Chip: "Obviously, I'm in the minority here, but I just don't think it's a wise idea for a city in the middle of its worst-ever crimewave to willingly allow this bunch of nomadic con artists into town for the weekend. Even more troubling is that a number of 'kids' workshops' are being held at the Lawrence Arts Center to instruct children in the tricks of the trade. Only in Larryville would parents teach their children how to grow up to be grifters."

Richard: "I'd rather my kids grew up to be fire-eaters than, let's say, lawyers. This is a nice event."

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Boys' Box Office Report / "Eat Local Lawrence" Begins! / Sunday Kickball Coverage

The sci-fi allegory District 9 arrived in theaters to stellar fanboy business this weekend, offering some much-needed intelligence in a summer dominated by mindless action spectacles such as Tranformers II and GI Joe. Let's check in with the talkbackers at Ain't It Cool News and witness some of their discourse on the film's political subtext.

landosystem says: He SHOT a FUCKING PIG at a dude, dude died by a FUCKING PIG being SHOT at him. Why are we not discussing how fucking awesome a PIG GUN is!?!!?
Oh yeah. I've seen it twice, maybe going again tomorrow. Pig gun.


---

The second annual "Eat Local Lawrence" kicks off today, an event in which residents try to eat primarily foods grown within a 200 mile radius of Larryville. Participants can sign up at the Merc and receive a "sign up kit" featuring recipes, a shopping list, and an "I'm Eating Local" button.

Richard: "I don't really participate, but I like wearing the button downtown to impress the quirkily sexy foodie chicks who hang around Local Burger."

Chip: "I wore my button to Forttt Scottt last summer and received an asskicking."

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The kickball tournament season begins this evening and most residents have spent the weekend filling out their brackets ("I spilled PBR on mine." --Richard). Candlepants' blog on the kickball website offers perceptive commentary on most of the teams heading into the tournament, and it's well worth your time to peruse as you finish up your bracket. Here are his thoughts on the Rangelife Records team:


"The team that has yet to practice somehow finds it way in at #6? While half the team is comprised of folks who took the trophy back in 2005 with Jensens, this rag tag collection of skinny white boys has complicated the notion of what a kickballer truly is by juxtaposing the jock with the jester, combining the student of the game with the I-don’t-give-a-fu$ks drunk. Who are these people? Business casual? Bellyshirts, Zubaz shorts, and tucked in muscle shirts in shorts have no place in the upper ranks of the kickball elite…or do they?"

To get you in the mood, here's another photo from A. Ruscin. Is the PBR keg stand a pre- or post-game ritual?


Saturday, August 15, 2009

The LC Reads Fan Mail! / Hipster Pick of the Day

Readers, we think of our purpose here as primarily to inform more than offend, but occasionally a satirical blog is bound to ruffle a few feathers. This anonymous comment popped up quickly in response to yesterday's post, and we share it with you now in full:

Anonymous said...
Wwhether this means to be funny or not, I think you should know that some women who stumble on it do not like to be labeled as sorostitutes or sweet ass by a 40 year old pervert.


Richard: "I have two responses. (1) I'm a 35 year old pervert, thank you very much. And (2)this is a satirical blog that can't be easily 'stumbled on' through search engines and which is intended for friends who understand that its 'voice' is largely a manufactured persona."

Chip: You seem to have scorned the wrong sorostitute this time, my friend.

The comment led us to wonder, however, if we haven't gone too far in offending some of the various "types" around town, from hipsters to artists to kickballers to local fashion bloggers. Checking back through some of our previous talkbacks, we discovered these posts:

Zaguar, local artist: "I spent an entire afternoon with magazines cutting and pasting the heads of Reagans on the bodies of Mike Tysons for my recent collage show and then Chip comes along and calls it 'not art.' Of course it hurts!"

Local kickball star: "Richard often suggests that kickball is not a real sport. Well, toss me another sixer of PBR to the pitcher's mound and let me don my Pooh suit and I'll show him what's what!"

Replay hipster: "Anybody who's spent as much time here as Richard and still has the nerve to critique hipster culture is much more of a hypocrite than a hipster. I mean, for the love of Hamm's, he knows the name of the bartenders!"

Katy Seib.l, fashionista: "Just because I post cute pictures of myself on a public blog and analyze how cute I look does NOT give the boys a right to go around saying that I'm pretty. Now check out this 'delightfully feminine, totally retro and office-appropriate' look.




















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Loyal LC reader King Tosser will offer a reading from his book Rebels Wit Attitude: Subversive Rock Humorists this evening at the Raven and the boys plan to be there to Chronicle the event (and get sloshed on free wine). Congrats to the Tosser!

Richard: "Yes, congratulations, although I'm more than a little pissed that the guy still hasn't scored his friend a book contract to transform this controversial blog into a bestseller."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The LC's Weekend Picks: Sci-Fi, Sorostitutes, and Kickball!

The weekend approaches, readers, and there are several major events to consider.

1) Local fanboys are in line as we speak for Neil Blomkamp's gory sci-fi allegory District 9, although many of the discussions you hear in line are likely to be looking ahead to December, when James Cameron's supposed 3-D masterwork Avatar will hit theaters and (in the parlance of on-line fanboys) "fuck our eyeballs." Here's an internet talkback post from a geek who's seen some advance Avatar footage:

"Boys and girls, you will be amazed by this movie. It's not just blue man-cats walking around looking at flowers. It's giant ferocious alien beasts thrashing through giant trees chasing around the man-cat. It's man-cat trying to mount a freaking dragon. It's man-cat falling in love with REAL EYES, not DEAD EYES."


2) For those of you more prone to getting laid than to watching alien shrimp creatures wreak havoc, a fresh crop of sweet ass moves into KU dorms on Sunday. The boys plan to partake of their annual tradition: watching the proceedings from behind some nearby shrubbery and rating the ladies on Chip's patented "nubility scale" with a one meaning "I'd say hello to her at Quinton's sometime" to a ten meaning "I won't rest easy till I bang her in the Chi Omega Fountain."

3) And, finally, something for the hipsters. The kickball tournaments kick off (!) this weekend and brackets can be downloaded at Lawrence.com. Richard, of course, is supporting the team with the most readers of his blog (Eastsiders! two readers!), but after witnessing the beautiful play of the anarchists and Lady Lumps last weekend we can't rule out the possibility of a real Cinderella story taking shape in Larryville.

Here are a few photos of that game (click to enlarge) from A. Ruscin at Lawrence.com and we strongly encourage you to go there and look at the full photo-spread, which will simultaneously make you feel like you were there and thank your lucky stars that you were not!


































This Week in Local Art / Pop-Culture Corner (Cougar Edition!)

While the boys often prefer the "fringe" art scene in Larryville (Percolator and Wonder Fair), the mainstream offers interesting work as well. The current exhibition at the Spencer, called XY, seeks "to explore the many and complex meanings of manhood" (Spencer website). The works therein "bring the male body into dialogue with an internalized realm of emotion, feeling, and self consciousness." (Chip: "In other words, it may help me to better understand my boners.").

An interesting feature on the Spencer's website allows art fans to offer their own "labels" describing various works in the collection, some of which may be chosen and displayed alongside the works in the exhibit: "We encourage you to discard any preconceptions about what an art label should say—be creative and share something that you feel will help other people understand these works from your point of view."

Naturally, the boys are participating. Here's a photo by Earl Iverson called "Lawrence High School Homecoming, Lawrence, KS" which features two football players seemingly holding hands after a game. It's followed by the boys' "labels."















Chip: "Tender, yet gay."

Richard: "With this powerful look at male-bonding, Iverson cleverly challenges our heteronormative expectations of a sports culture which insists that all signs of male affection, from the midgame chest-bumps to the post-game ass-slaps, be considered 'macho.' It has more to say than any four of Apatow's 'bromances.'"


And if this exhibition doesn't do it for you (or if, like Chip, you're scared to be seen there), Saturday brings a new Andy Warhol exhibit called "Big Shots: Andy Warhol, Celebrity Culture, and the 1980s."

Chip: "Is that the dude who tricked Americans into believing a picture of soup cans was 'important?'"

Richard: "Why couldn't they offer this stuff during my 'consumer culture' course?"

---

The boys' are big fans of Ashton Kutcher because he's an avid Twitter enthusiast and a legendary real-life cougar-hunter (he bagged Demi Moore). Therefore, his new film, Spread, in which he plays an LA hustler seducing a series of wealthy cougars, seems like a must-see. Kutcher's character is supposedly inspired by Warren Beatty in Shampoo and Richard Gere in American Gigolo, though we're willing to wager a few PBR's that it's inferior to both in every way.

Chip: "I'll see it just in case it offers some good tips, but I'd rather see The Time Traveler's Wife, which looks as magical as it is romantic. Also, I'd bone Rachel McAdams."

Richard: "Same here. I keep telling and telling people to watch her in Slings and Arrows on DVD, but nobody pays much attention."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Recent Concert Reviews: Toby Keith/ Also: A Twitter Opera!

Since the Pitch's Wayward Blog opts not to review shows that aren't "hip," we often have to turn to Back To Rockville for a much-needed glimpse into what "real" people are doing in KC while the hipsters are across town swilling PBR at the Czar Bar.

Toby Keith, one of our great patriots, visited the Sprint Center recently and, based on these excerpts, the show sounds fantastic, :

"The main event this evening was preceded by a commercial...in which Keith and his Ford competed against other musical acts and their trucks in various feats of macho-ness. The other acts were hapless, exaggerated stereotypes: a band that resembled Kiss, a white rapper/rocker, a long-haired granola worshipper."

"He seemed a little tired with "I Love This Bar," but he compensated with the re-written verse that now includes more contemporary terms like "MILFs" and "cougars."

"He applied a local touch: During "Whiskey Girl," he brought out the servers from his local bar-and-grill franchise at Harrah's casino to perform their Daisy Mae/chorus-line routine."

"He [Toby Adkins] and Keith would ride "Courtesy" hard, stopping only to let the crowd shout/sing its best-known (most notorious) line about American supremacy: "We'll stick a boot in your ass / It's the American way."

Chip: "I thought he wasn't going to play 'Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue' and then, bam, there it was, second encore."*

Richard: "It's great to see Keith staying relevant by incorporating 'newer' terms like 'MILF's" and 'cougars' into his old standards. Somone like Bob Dylan could learn something from this. I suggest, 'Lay, sorostitute, lay,' for instance."

*That encore joke is a Simpsons reference for Chip, who hasn't been able to read the blog since the beginning of summer because his parents have forbidden it.


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The boys are huge opera fans but how do they feel about the famed Royal Opera Company in London opting to perform an opera whose storyline is dictated entirely by submitted Twitter messages in an effort to attract a new audience. According to the director of the House's contemporary program:

"At the end of act 1, scene 1, our hero had been kidnapped by a flock of birds and is in a tower awaiting rescue," Duthie said. "That feels extremely operatic, people are really getting into the story line." There is also a talking cat. (from the AP).

Chip: "Almost certainly it will be better than any normal opera. I'm going to tweet some fart jokes for them, perhaps for the climax of the piece."

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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Crime! Sports! Photography!

Larryville's recent rash of shootings, stabbings,muggings, and robberies shows no signs of abating and the list of places that the boys are now scared to visit keeps growing. Club Axis is not safe, Crosstown Tavern is not safe, Burrito King is not safe, Burger King (6th Street) is not safe. Now add to this list Miracle Video, your one-stop shop for pornography and the Criterion collection's series of important foreign and independent films. Yes, Miracle Video was robbed during business hours by a man wielding a baseball bat last week. Was he coming from the Crosstown tavern next door, or was he on his way there? The case remains unsolved.

Richard: "I always felt so at ease in that little back room, perusing copies of The Davinci Coed (so witty!) and Nailin' Palin (so prescient!). But now I may have to start getting my porn on-line like a normal person."

The LJ-World talkback is at its best in discussions of the local crimewave, with perhaps the best post coming from RoeDapple, whose entry regarding the tasing of a local drug suspect offers this hilarious sendup of the usual commentary on such stories.

roedapple
:

Let's see, hmmm….

Nice guy,

You don't know him like I do…………

legalize……………….

harmless……………..

tazed!…………brutality…………

cousins………………….

Topeka!!!

There, that ought to cover it. No additional posts needed, Roe has this one covered!


Richard: "Seriously, this is funny and I'm thinking about hiring this guy to write for the Chronicles. He's funnier than Chip."

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Today's front-page of the LJ-World sports section regarding the promising seasons of this year's KU teams has confirmed Chip's worst fear: the women's basketball team is still going to be taken seriously by the media after their "magical" (LJ-World) run in the WNIT. The story repeatedly refers to the "Big Three" of local sports (men's football, men's and women's basketball).

Chip: "There are two things right now that I have a lot of trouble believing. One, that Obama was born in America. Two, that women's basketball is an actual sport."

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Recently, a new way has deveoloped of determining whether the event you're attending is hip enough. Just ask yourself this question: Is Ailecia Ruscin there to photograph it for Lawrence.com? We've showcased her work here before (remember that shot from the kickball all-star game from a few weeks back, which Richard proclaimed was possibly the greatest hipster picture he'd ever seen?). In this new series, we'll offer up one of her pictures (without commentary) for you to enjoy. And we'll strongly encourage you to witness the full photo-shoot on Lawrence.com. This one is from last weekend's Breeders show.


Monday, August 10, 2009

Richard Returns to the Kickball Scene / Also: The Boys' Increasingly Popular Fashion Segment!

Readers, you may not have noticed yet, but the LC is back in session and has been for two days. Did we have a good vacation? Why, yes, thank you for asking. Richard spent several days down South, banging his way through a succession of southern belles so outrageously nubile that they made Larryville sorostitutes look like...the cast of More to Love (Chip wrote that joke). And what of Chip? Actually, he took a "staycation" (a word recently added to your trusty Merriam-Webster), remaining in town to exhibit his prize-winning goat at the Douglas County Fair ("She's just a real sweet goat and I think you'd all enjoy meeting her.").

Anyway, back to business. Last night, Richard decided the time had come for him to return to Larryville's kickball subculture after avoiding it for the entire season because he felt it had gotten too hip for its own good ("too big for it's britches"--Chip), drifting away from the beauty of the sport in favor of drunken excess and pure hipster spectacle. Taking his seat at a crowded Hobbs, Richard witnessed, in short order, a streaker and a staged riot on second base between the anarchists' team and the Lady Lumps. Richard's companion Brian, a local Francophile with a storied history on the Larryville scene, was able to enlighten Richard on the background of most of the players and the audience ("That dude is banned for life from the Replay and that one fucked a blonde in the bathroom at the TapRoom."). After the show (sorry, after the match), Richard asked several people in the crowd, all of whom had been cheering wildly throughout, a very simple question: Who won? None of them could answer.

The greatest moment of the evening, however, came when the LC's favorite fashionista, Ms. Katy Seib.l, sashayed in and took a seat near Richard. You can't tell it's her from this blurry photo, readers, but it's totally her! Look at those shoes! Sadly, she disappeared into the kickball crowd before Richard could approach her and frighten her by telling her how much he loved her blog.



















...

Speaking of Katy, her Kansas Couture blog has become the boys' go-to source for what's hot this season. In a recent post, she explains that she is currently "digging the marching band / military trend in jackets, especially now that fall is just around the corner."






















Chip: "I can dig the 'marching band' look on her and easily imagine her saying 'This one time, at band camp...'"

Richard: "Stop right there, Chip! We've almost met this girl. Don't quote the American Pie line!"

Chip: "Actually, I saw the film on TBS and they cut off the end of that line. Was it something raunchy?

The boys aren't sure if they'll be donning military jackets in the classroom this fall, but one thing is certain: meggings (men's leggings) are very hot right now. Thanks to Beth for sending us a nice article from New York Fashion about how "meggings have been pouring into the streets of New York, Paris, London, and Tokyo since last year. Men wear them year-round as a fun way to practice layering, mix up everyday proportions, and stay warm."

Chip: "I'm going to wear them under a pair of khaki shorts and top it off with a nice hooded sweatshirt."

Richard: "I'm going to wear them while teaching Intro to Drama because I think it will provide a new freedom of movement that's useful when I perform scenes for the students."


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Local Scenester Makes Good! / Sunday Kickball Coverage

Within the glass bubble of Larryville, hipsters are easily tolerated and sometimes even rewarded (usually with a record contract from Rangelife). But sometimes it's hard to imagine how they can exist outside this insulated world.

Yet one hometown boy is popping up all over the place lately, from VH1's World Series of Pop Culture to the finals of the US Air Guitar Championships in Washington D.C. this weekend. Yes, it's Mr. Eric Melin, who you may also know from the band The Dead Girls and his film blog Scene Stealers, which is probably the second best local film blog after Nog On Film: www.nogonfilm.blogspot.com/

But the success of one hipster can certainly make others jealous, as we see in marktrail's comment on this recent Lawrence.com talkback: "good luck and congrats to him for securing the spotlight, but enough of this guy already. he's already on the cover of the pitch and was on the cover of 37 lawrence.com deadwood editions. write a story about someone who is actually doing something beyond living out teenage fantasies once in a while."

Chip: "Air guitar is a perfect representation of the laziness of local hipsters. They can't even be bothered to learn an instrument that isn't invisible."

And the instrument must be invisible, readers. This is strictly stated in the official rules of the competition, along with the fact that the invisible instrument must be a guitar.

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The kickball season is beginning to wind down (aside from the month-long tournament), but it's not too late to catch a match. The game of the week tonight should be interesting: Solidarity (the local anarchists) vs. Lady Lumps. If you've ever seen Solidarity's calendar, you know the anarchists have a penchant for (very unappealing) nudity. Couple that with a team named after titties and a scorching August evening and this match-up brings the season's best chance yet for some naked kickball. See you at Hobb's!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Hipster Art Pick of the Weekend

Readers, perhaps you've been intrigued, confused, or (in Chip's case) unsettled by the following fliers that have been popping up around town in recent weeks:





















Well, tonight is the night that Asteroid Head Art Club wants that word with you...at their new opening from 6:00-9:00 at Wonder Fair. In addition to "64 new works on paper" the evening is also slated to include "The Word Party Rap" performed by Asteroid Head, Pin the Word on the Word, and The Word World Mystery Tour." According to the Wayward Blog, "These kids are fun, and you might find yourself passing out from the whimsy."

Chip: "Or you might find yourself passing out from the poison Kool Aid they ask you to drink after their fliers have brainwashed you into coming to this event."

Richard: "Well, I think it's far more likely to be poison PBR in this case, but I get your point. Still, being a fan of the arts in Larryville means being ever-ready to do what Asteroid Head Art Club asks of you."

Chip: "If they want a word with me, I'd be happy to sit down with them over a nice chicken-fried steak and explain to them why I hate what they do, but I won't be lured to their basement lair for a game of 'Pin the Word on the Word.'"

Richard: "That's the difference between us, Chip. I've been looking forward to 'The Word Party Rap' all day."

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Boys Take a Summer Break

Readers, we're taking a few days off and leaving you in charge of making your own smartass comments whenever you see a hipster or a townie or a sorostitute doing something ridiculous. Hopefully you remember how to amuse yourselves in that fashion?

Have fun!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Sandbar Anniversary Recap

As expected, Sandbar fans young and old (mostly old) showed up en masse last night to celebrate the 20th anniversary of Larryville's beloved tropical bar. In their pirate hats and Hawaiian shirts, they wedged themselves into a too-small beer garden and danced in the street to "Sweet Caroline" while waxing nostalgic about the first time they wedged themselves into the too-small bar nearby to dance in their seats to "Sweet Caroline." Richard proclaimed the evening his best chance yet to score a mother/daughter duo and stationed himself nearby on the TapRoom patio, which quickly filled up with an overflow of revelers smart enough to realize that they could easily see the stage and procure drinks there but frustrated by the Tap's lack of tropical frozen beverages. One older woman explained to Richard that the Sandbar was well and good but the real place, back in the day, was "the Beer Stoop," whose location she could not recall.

Here are a few photos followed by selections from the Sandbar blog's live Twitter stream from last night.


The ship sets sail.
















Elvis arrives.















The dancing showgirls perform (Chip: "I've seen hotter").
















And some tweets:

moosully: Bill Self up in the Sandbar. Panties seem to drop when he arrives. #sbar

slicksob: The womans ass in front of me is too big for the dance she is doing so is mine. Age is wonderful #sbar

ladysilk: Dear #sbar patrons...if you are going to jump the beer garden barrier do not do so in an ultra tight mini skirt...that is all...THX

LJWJKealing: At the #sbar party. So many people here. Say hi if you see me. Jayhawk ballcap on

Saturday, August 1, 2009

What To Do This Weekend!

Readers, there's more going on in Larryville than just a Sandbar block party. And though these other events are far less likely to get you pleasurably mauled by a cougar reliving her glory days, they all have their merits. Let's take a look.

Townie pick of the weekend: dumpster diving!

Yes, townies love this weekend more than Christmas. With the leases of most of Larryville's ever-nomadic residents expiring yesterday, this is the weekend of the year to find random treasures in neighborhood trashcans. The LJ-World's annual piece on the subject suggests that the pickings may be slimmer this year due to cash-strapped citizens feeling more inclined to hang on to old belongings in these dire economic times, but we suspect that this is typical LJ-World propaganda designed to prevent fights breaking out over that sweetass futon along Tennessee Street and the innumerable broken-down beds used too hard by local sorostitutes. At any rate, there's no way to know for sure what's out there till you're waist-deep in muck! See you in the dumpsters, Eastsiders!

Art picks of the weekend:

Events celebrating the 50th anniversary of former Larryville resident William Burroughs' Naked Lunch kick off tonight with "Naked Leftovers" at Haskell's DotDotDot Artspace. If you survive the stray bullets from the Crosstown Tavern next door, you can see various "paint-covered curiosities" of Burroughs for one night only!

And across town, the Percolator hosts the Social Service League's annual "dime bag" show featuring "grown up drinks and curious artistic mash-ups" costing less than 50 bucks each (but no weed, despite the misleading name). The show is combined this year with a "pancake feed."

Chip: "I hate art, but I love pancakes. Finally, a reason to visit the Percolator."

Kickball event and worthy cause of the weekend:

Finally, the Replay on Sunday will host their second annual party of the season, which also serves as a fundraiser for those injured on the field of battle. Please donate a few bucks to those such as Timmy, who tripped over a pile of discarded PBR cans near second base, and Irving, who nearly asphyxiated himself while running the bases in a stifling Pooh suit.