Sunday, August 31, 2008

Chip's Musings on Music! (a new series!)

In this new feature, Chip offers tips on local shows to catch, thoughts on new albums, and analysis of current musical trends.

Chip: "Those looking for a follow-up event to last night's Nogglefest, which I always skip, might be wise to check out Ratatat at the Granada tonight. says: "Ratatat is a primarily instrumental duo composed of laptop geeks...The group's three albums demonstrate an evolution of carefully selected bleeps and bloops." Now one thing a lot of people don't know about me is that I love this kind of little twinkly Casio music. The Postal Service, for instance, is awesome, yet Cl.thier refuses to bring in his little Casio and give me what I need! Adding a few bleeps and boops to a song says, 'I'm a sensitive songwriter who doesn't always need to rock out to assert my masculinity.' Look at these lyrics from The Postal Service's "Such Great Heights": "I am thinking it's a sign/ That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images/ And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned." That's poetry, friends. If I use that line at Quinton's, it might well earn me a blowjob."

Coming soon: Chip considers the N'Sync reunion album!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Tonight in Larryville: Nogglefest XXXV!

The Labor Day weekend tradition rolls on once more this year at the Replay. While many claim the event has lost some of its luster since the legendary 30th event (which featured T-shirts and table-dancing), others (mainly N.ggle) claim that it's still a good opportunity to gather random people together and get them drunk. This year's event is rumored to feature a five dollar cover charge, which is up from zero in years past. Numerous hipsters are expected to leave in a huff at the door, muttering that "Nogglefest is worth three bucks at best!" However you slice it, though, it's still a far better bargain than paying 20 bucks for tailgating at Memorial Park.

Friday, August 29, 2008

The T Needs a Mascot! / Plus, "Is It Art, Or Isn't It?"

In an effort to rejuvenate their transit system, Kansas City recently adopted a new mascot: a sort of stoned-looking, hoodie-wearing "gangsta" frog named Seymour Green:

While the mascot has drawn criticism from some circles (mainly because of the cracked sidewalks in the photo), the image is drawing attention to the system. Larryville is expected to follow suit very soon with a mascot of their own, possibly Jerry Jayhawk, a staggering, drunken hobo clutching a brown bag with a PBR in it.


The boys always enjoy a good art opening (Richard is still raving about his visit to the Percolater last week, where he saw a bunch of cloud paintings, with a keyboard player out front performing odes to clouds under the moonlight). Tonight at the Arts Center brings yet another new exhibition. It's called "Bears, Beasts, Bodies, and Boats."

Chip: "I'm declaring it 'not art' based on the title alone. Alliteration is so over. I admit, however, that I'm a little intrigued by the 'bodies' part. This might contain some tasteful nudes, which I like."

Richard: "I'm all about the bears, beasts, and bodies, but the boats sound as dull as clouds. I'm declaring this '3/4' art. Unless of course there are bears and beasts and bodies on the boats, in which case this will be very fine art indeed."

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Boys Consider Rock Lyrics!

Cl.thier's show tomorrow is rumored to include a special set of songs called "Sexist? Or Sexy?" Today the boys consider a few other songs known for their sexual innuendo.

ZZ Top's "Pearl Necklace":

Until I asked her what she wanted,
And this is what she had to say:
A pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.

Chip: "I've never understood the sexual element here. It seems to me a critique of a materialistic woman who demands jewelry."

Richard: "But what do you make of the line "She held it in her hand and this is what she had to say. She wanna pearl necklace." What is 'it'?"

Chip: "The necklace, dummy!"

Van Halen's "Pound Cake":

"Lemme get on, lemme get on, lemme get on some of that Shake it up, pick it out nice, Lemme get on, lemme get on, lemme get on outta there, I still love my baby's Poundcake Home grown, and down home, Yeah, that's the woman, Still cookin up an old time, long lost recipe Lemme get on some of that, Uh ha, uh ha, ho Uh ha, uh ha, ho, yeah I want some of that Uh ha, uh ha, ho Gimme some of that, uh ha, uh ha, ha...Ow! Oh, got some real fine, poundcake."

Chip: "Once again, I don't see any innuendo here. It's just a man who enjoys his baby's dessert. There's a long tradition of songs about a sweet tooth, such as "Nobody In Town Can Bake a Sweet Jellyroll Like Mine" and Warrant's "Cherry Pie: " Tastes so good/Make a grown man cry/ Sweet cherry pie oh yea." Perfectly innocent."

Richard: What about: "Swingin' in there 'cause /She wanted me to feed her /So I mixed up the batter /And she licked the beater." Sexual metaphors?"

Chip: "I suppose some people (mostly English majors) might think "the beater" is his "peter," as we call it in Southeast Kansas, but that seems doubtful to me. They wouldn't allow that on the radio, would they?"

Jonas Brothers' "Lovebug":

Now I'm speechless,
Over the edge of this,
I never thought
That I'd catch
This love bug again
Head over heels
In the moment,
I never thought
That I'd get bit
By this love bug again
(ohhh! )
Love Bug again
(whoooo! )

Chip: "This one is very erotic. Notice how everything here seems...orgasmic, from the 'over the edge' in the early part of the chorus to the final 'ohhh' and 'whooo' of the song's (and possibly the speaker's?) climax. I think the Jonas Brothers are probably a useful tool in teaching young women about sex. It might prevent parents from having to endure that painful 'birds and bees' lecture."

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

This Week in Local Sports News: Kickball Ends and Football Begins!

The summer kickball season ended Sunday, leaving hundreds of local hipsters without anything to do on Sunday afternoons. Other childhood games are now being considered for the fall, with the top contenders being a Hide and Seek league, Red Rover tournament, and "I'll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours" contest.

Chip: "I hope the hipsters hide and we never find them."


After its Orange Bowl-winning season, the KU football team kicks off again this Saturday amid controversies over its new practice fields.

Chip: "I remember when the only reason to go to a football game here was to see all the sweet drunk ass staggering around the parking lot. These days, however, the same thing holds true here for football that has always held true for basketball: it is completely unacceptable to lose a single game, ever!"

Richard: "I've watched so many practices I feel like I've seen all the games already. I plan to go out and play "I'll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours." At Quinton's."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Women of Distinction Calendar is Here! / Plus, "Yes for Transit!"

The KU Women of Distinction calendar, featuring distinguished students and faculty (in non-provocative poses), has arrived.

Chip: "This is my second favorite KU calendar. The first, of course, is the Women of KU calendar, which features hot coeds. Mine usually gets so sticky by February that I can never even see the rest of the months. The Women of Distinction ladies are not as hot, but I'd still bone them, because some of them are in important positions and might help me advance my career. It's all about networking, these days."

Richard: "In other calendar-related news, I'm posing this year in Larryville's Anarchists Exposed calendar, which allows both ladies and dudes. It should be a very tasteful spread."


"Not everyone who rides the bus is crazy / But when a crazy person has to go somewhere, they take the bus." --song lyrics from someone whose name I can't find

With the fate of Larryville's public transit system (The T) now in the hands of voters come November (via two sales tax proposals), concerned local citizens have formed a coalition called "Yes For Transit," which plans to launch a ten-week onslaught to rally support for their beloved T.

Chip: "The T is a traveling hobo service. The buses smell like urine and broken dreams. Vote no."

Richard: "I wish this group had a catchier name, something like "Free the T," which doesn't make much sense but at least sounds important."

Monday, August 25, 2008

The Boys Offer Their Picks for the Fall TV Season

The boys love the Olympics, the political conventions, and U.S. Open Tennis (Chip only), but nothing makes them happier than a new slate of fall television shows! What do they anticipate the most this season?

Chip: "At the top of my list is the Beverly Hills 90210 remake. I understand they've made it more 'multi-cultural' this time by adding a half-Jewish character and an Iranian character, and I personally can't relate, being from Forttt Scottt, where everyone is white and is really pretty comfortable with being white, all things considered. Still, if I learn half as much about life and love from the new version as I did from the old version, I'll be a very happy and well-adjusted young man."

Richard: "After a summer of hearing about the Twilight-series vampires, which are loved by tween girls, I'm ready for some sexed-up HBO style vampires on True Blood, which is about a bunch of 'fangbangers' who like to fuck vampires because the sex is super-hot and the show takes place in an alternate reality where vampires are 'out and proud' in public because a synthetic blood has been developed. I can't make this shit up, folks!"

Chip and Richard are both equally anticipating a new game show called Hole in the Wall, in which (according to TV Guide) "contestants have mere seconds to bend their bodies to fit through oddly shaped holes in a wall that is rushing at them, ready to drag them into a pool of water." No jokes necessary for this one. It's obviously going to be awesome!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

This Week in Local News: KU Sports New Wood! / Plus, Kickball Mania! / Also, the Boys Choose Their #1 Favorite Place in Larryville!

Having apparently failed to consider that the new open-air practice fields located in the center of campus might somehow be seen by unfriendly eyes, the athletics department now intends to plant 100 pine trees along Mississippi Street to prevent spies from checking out's secrets.

Chip says: "This won't work. People in Missouri spend their lives climbing trees. That's all there is to do there! All this accomplishes is preventing me from seeing all the hot ass that cavorts around outside the stadium on game days."


Larryville's kickball season winds down tonight with the Final Four and championship game at Hobbs Park, and the Chronicles officially endorses the East-Enders (please tell your friends about our blog). After tonight, the conversation in local bars is expected to return to other important matters, such as which local band is better: Drakkar Sauna or Black Christmas? (after seeing Drakkar's lovely Louvin Brothers performance at Love Garden last night, this hipster argues for the former!).


And here it is: the boys picks for #1!

Richard's pick!

Richard: "My favorite place in Larryville is...the serene little Japanese garden across from Silas and Maddy's. Often I meditate there on spring evenings, and once I had ice cream there with a nice girl. Okay, fuck that. Seriously, we know I enjoy the Replay Lounge, and here's why: My friend 'Danger' Dan took me there the first time, to an afternoon battle of the bands in the beer garden which he claimed would be 'laid back.' My ears STILL hurt from that show. But I knew I'd found a spot to hang, a welcoming oasis free from frattiness and with a moderate amount of hipster pretention, just enough that one can go there and feel like you are 'in the know' but without having to actually know anything. Over the years I've seen up-and-coming bands such as the Black Keys and The Mountain Goats (all for two bucks), a fashion show, a dogfight, and a recreation of Abbey Road that grew so crowded the fire marshall tried to shut it down. Once I got drunk on my 30th birthday and danced on a table while Dr. C's wife put money in my underwear. Once a man's pants were set on fire (I missed that night, but the newspaper clipping is pasted above my computer: somehow, it inspires me!). Esquire magazine picks the Replay as the best bar in Kansas. I pick it as the best bar in the known universe."

Chip: "Once I was trying to have a PBR there in peace and an old man kept sidling up to me and asking me if I believed in space-aliens. I told him, 'No, sir. I do not.' And I still don't!"

Chip's #1:

Chip: "On a crowded Friday night, some years ago, I was drinking in Quinton's, surrounded by the cream of the crop of sorostitutes and waitresses, when an older businessman, possibly in town for a conference, leaned over to me and whispered: 'Is it always like this in here?' Well, let me tell you, readers: Yes, it is always like that in here! I once proclaimed a certain waitress, AZ, to be 'the most beautiful woman I've seen in real life,' and I've hence revised that statement several times. AZ, in addition to being an excellent waitress, was also a local reporter who wrote a thought-provoking piece about faking orgasms. I doubt she'd have to fake it with me! (but I wouldn't care much if she did!). There are also two identical Canadian twins who work there, which is the stuff of any man's pornographic fantasies! Who needs the back room at Miracle Video when you've got Quinton's and a good imagination? And this is only the employees! Add to that a new selection of beautiful clientele every night and you know what you've got, readers? You've got yourself the best place in Larryville."

Richard: "This blog grew out of our former once-a-week night at Quinton's, and I thank the place for that. And Kip is right about a few things. The girls are pretty. And I'd have sex with them! But all in all there's just no 'magic' to this place. It's not like the Replay, which is a place where anything might happen. Basically, the same thing happens at Quinton's every night. The girls are pretty, and we don't get to fuck them."

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Yet Another Episode of "Is It Art, Or Isn't It? / Plus, Chip Issues a Public Service Announcement! / And the Boys Pick Their #2 Favorite Place!

It's a busy weekend for local art. Tonight, at DotDotDot Artspace (in the Haskell strip mall, near the porno store) is the opening of artist Whit Bones' exhibition called "Overcoming the Fears that Overcome Us." Bones says: "This installation wont be your standard art show. The space will be the work of art. The way you walk through it and interact with it will tell the story. Each person will have a different experience. We are't going to do all the work for the viewer. Things wont be labeled "art", there will be more searching involved." Bones goes on to say: "Rope has entered my work as a binding agent."

Chip: "What's this 'Things won't be labeled as art' shit.' Give me a break. If you've got art to show me, at least tell me where it's at, so I can look at it, and possibly deride it. And he's just now discovered that rope is a 'binding agent?' We've known this on the farm for years. My verdict: not art."

Richard: "I hate to side with Chip two days in a row, but I'm a little worried about this new local trend toward 'touchy-feely' art. This show's title sounds like a Dr. Phil episode. I want my local art to shake me up and disturb me, not make me feel better about myself. Not art."


Chip's Public Service Announcement: "Readers, it's come to my attention that Larryville is hosting a "downtown busker festival" this weekend. The need to invite more aimless hobos to a town that's already full of them boggles my mind, but I understand that many citizens are entertained by their 'antics' as they juggle various household objects and pretend to 'eat fire.' Watch them if you must, but don't forget that most of these folks are dangerous grifters who might well pick your pocket after their shows or even lure you down a dark alley and knife you, just for kicks. Do not invite them into your home and try not to make direct eye contact with them, and you should be fine."


Today we reach #2 on a list where #1 is practically a foregone conclusion.

Chip's #2 pick...Henry's Upstairs:

Chip: "Growing up in Forttt Scottt, I never had a chance to hang around smart girls. So it was a surprise to me when I moved to Larryville and learned that many college women actually read books and have opinions. I admit, I was a little startled. Henry's Upstairs, I think, is the 'smart women's' bar, and when I first ventured in I discovered that some smart women are also hot enough to fuck. This was a revelation! While I personally still prefer the kind of gals who frequent Larryville's frat-tastic bars, it's also interesting to hang out at Henry's and eavesdrop on women discussing Fellini films and existentialism. Of course, I have no idea what they're talking about, but it still gives me a boner. Henry's seems to be a very international bar, more diverse than the usual Johnson County crowds, and this too is a nice change. I'm hot for Asians."

Richard: "I try hard to like Henry's, and I do, at times, such as when the hot Spanish GTA's are there, but I tend to get bored there pretty quickly at other times. I think I prefer Henry T's on 6th Street."

Richard's #2 pick...Jayhawk Boulevard:

Richard: "Allow me to quote Woodson, from Dazed and Confused: 'I get older, they stay the same age.'"

Chip: "Can I change my pick for #2?"

Friday, August 22, 2008

Another Episode of "Is It Art, or Isn't It?" / Plus, The Boys Pick #3 on the Favorite Places List!

Tonight, at the edgy new downtown art gallery known as the Lawrence Percolator, is the opening of a new exhibit called "Clouds Are Easy to Love," featuring paintings, music, and poetry about pretty, puffy clouds!

Chip: "Not art! For me, Wordsworth's "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud" is the first and last word on the subject of clouds. "And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils." My God, that's lovely!"

Richard: "Sadly, I'm going to have to side with Chip this time. One expects Larryville art to be a little more subversive, a little more activist. Sure, clouds are pretty. Now let's move on and do something interesting!"


Today brings us Charlie's East Side, a bit of a surprise choice from Richard, and Jefferson's, no surprise at all, from Chip.

Charlie's East Side:

Richard: "If you can get over the fact that Charlie's serves only 3.2 beer, which is like making love in a canoe, since it's fucking close to water, you might just find yourself having a good time at Charlie's. Located just a few blocks from downtown, it feels like a far cry from the often cynical world of Mass. Street bars. The people of the East Side truly believe that their communal gardens and cooperatively owned grocery stores might one day make a difference, and their naivete is contagious. On any given summer evening, Charlie's might be inhabited by a friendly theologian, a gregarious local farmer, several members of the local EMU theatre troup, a few underage drinkers who deserve their drinks simply for being able to find the place and brave enough to enter it, and Charlie himself, who is usually watching the History Channel at the bar. At one point, Charlie's was known for its Friday afternoon 'taco bar,' but the grill is broken these days. Still, Charlie usually has a few frozen burritos in the fridge and he's happy to microwave one for you if ask real sweetly. Try an evening on Charlie's deck sometime. It will do you good."

Chip: "I was a bit disappointed at the lack of 'tacos.' Otherwise, I didn't hate this place. It's better than the Replay, even though the East Side is full of communists."


Chip: "People say I'm nuts when I insist that Jefferson's has the second hottest waitresses in town, after Q's, but I say to those people: "You didn't see the crop that worked there in 05-06." Folks, I could barely eat my chicken wings, I had such a non-stop boner! The food is good here, and it's real food too, not that frou-frou Zen Zero-type 'cuisine' but 'real,' manly food. But this doesn't mean the place isn't sophisticated in its own way. Sometimes they serve orange slices in glasses of beer. That's elegant. It's so cool other bars aren't even doing it yet."

Richard: "Anybody that thinks Jefferson's catfish tastes in any way like any kind of catfish has obviously never been south of Missouri. And anybody who would dare to eat an oyster in land-locked Kansas is crazy as hell! Still, Jefferson's does make a tasty burger: I'll give them that. And there are a few waitresses there that are undeniably fuckable. But I've always found the atmosphere here one of the dullest in town."

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Boys Consider the Drinking Age / Plus, the Favorite Places List Continues: #4

Kansas' flagship university opted this week not to join a nationwide coalition of college administrators seeking to lower the drinking age from 21 to 18 in an effort to "demystify" alcohol and curb binge drinking. How do the boys feel?

Chip: "Sure, I think we should lower the drinking age. There's likely as many as three, maybe four, young women here who somehow have not managed to get a fake ID, and it would be nice to see those girls out at the bars as well. Why should they be denied the fun their peers are already having?"

Richard: "I support it also. If I'd had easier access to alcohol at 18, I might have gotten laid more (and by "more" I mean "some"). Although I suppose it's not helping much at 34 either."


The boys #4: The Dusty Bookshelf (Richard) and El Mezcal, Iowa location, basement (Chip)

Dusty Bookshelf:

Richard: "This is Larryville's hipster bookshop. Sure, we all go to Borders too, but we hate ourselves for supporting those corporate whores and make it up to ourselves by spending a lot of time browsing in here. There are two young women who work here who often show up at the Replay, and they are treated like rock stars when they appear there (a whisper goes through the crowd, "That's the girl from Dusty Bookshelf." No one actually knows their names)."

Chip: "I prefer to do my browsing in the stacks at Watson. Late at night, students often have sex in there, and it's sort of eerie and also arousing to wander through and hear these muffled, disembodied moans emanating from dark corners. It sounds ghostly. It sounds like ghosts that are fucking. I haven't actually had sex in the stacks myself, yet, but once I beat off in a study carrel while reading Jane Eyre."

El Mezcal, Iowa location, basement:

Chip: "I've raved about this place once before, but it's worth repeating. Speaking of lowering the drinking age, El Mez makes that debate irrelevant, at least for the ladies. If you're blonde and look like you're in a sorority or might one day join one, you're welcome to as many jumbo strawberry margaritas as you like in the basement. This is an absolute paradise on a weekend evening, like that place full of virgins that Muslims think they go to when they die, except these are sluts instead of virgins. Once Richard had one of those N.ggle-fest parties in the basement, and it was fun and all, but that was probably the largest collection of old folks that had ever assembled at one time down here. The food is decent too, and the place seems to be run by real Mexicans. Sometimes they get a little annoyed with me, because I sometimes don't pronounce items like "encholatos" and "chalupos" correctly, but I eat whatever they bring me and I'm glad to get it, with this kind of scenery around."

Richard: "It's close to my apartment!"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

#5 On The Boys' Favorite Places List / Plus, The Boys Administer a "Cultural Evaluation" To A Quintons Waitress!

Readers have been wondering if the boys' dueling lists of favorite local places would overlap at all. Today it does. Clocking in at #5 on both lists is...The Bourgeois Pig!

Richard: "I avoided this place for many years mostly because of the name, which is pretentious. It struck me as the kind of place where, as The Magnetic Fields Stephen Merritt would say, 'I could make a career of being blue--I could dress
in black and read Camus, smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth.'
But the truth of the matter, I eventually learned, is that it's no more pretentious than any other local hipster establishment and it's a step above all other local coffee shops because it also features a full bar (the alcohol helps to dumb the philosophical conversations down a little). While the Pig is rarely a 'destination' bar for me, it's a friendly little pit-stop along the way to the Replay."

Chip: "I like to dress in black and read Camus there."


At the beginning of each semester, the boys tend to drop by Quintons, check out the new crop of ever-evolving waitresses, and quiz them on their cultural interests. It's a tradition that began with Dr. C, who enjoyed asking the ladies about Sonic Youth ("Never heard of it.") and My Big Fat Greek Wedding (huge fans!).

Last night, the boys, after chatting for an hour or so among themselves about their passion for the Olympics (Chip: "Is Phelps the swimmer?"), began their interview of their bubbly brunette server, quickly discovering she was not well-versed in 1950's big-band crooners (neither are the boys) and had no particular interest in the current wave of 'screamo' superstars like Avenged Sevenfold (a nice surprise). Cl.thier, on a pure whim, then asked her about Uncle Tupelo,discovering that, not only did she know them, she knew they had split into Wilco and Son Volt, and had seen Wilco's recent local appearance. Richard and Cl.thier stared at her like she was the proverbial monkey who had managed to type a Shakespeare play! "I'll be here till two if you need anything," she told her quizmasters (with an emphasis on the 'anything' that might have occurred mostly in the imagination of some of the boys). The boys were soon called away to other matters, but Richard vowed to return later in the evening in hopes of "banging her and discussing Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, possibly at the same time."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

This Week in Local News: Mass. Street Gets Drunker? / Plus, The Boys Discuss PBR! / Also: The Boys' Favorite Places: #6!

Larryville's city fathers meet tonight to discuss legislation that would allow several older Lawrence bars to construct outdoor drinking areas, much-desired by local businesses since the smoking ban went into effect.

Chip says: "I suppose it would be nice to sit outside the Red Lyon and sip an expensive beer, although it's dangerously close to the rabble that frequents the Replay. But the idea of a place like The TapRoom getting an outdoor drinking area scares me. Letting those pale-skinned hipsters out into the sunlight seems wrong. I hope the TapRoom at least builds a sort of 'pen' around the area, so that I can observe the freaks like they're animals in a zoo."


While drinking at the Replay on a recent evening, Richard spotted an interesting sign on the wall--"Get real. Get Pabst. Welcome back, students!"--which led him to wonder about PBR's current status as the preferred beer of hipsters.

Richard: "Drinking PBR is surely an affectation among younger drinkers. Somehow it became acknowledged as 'cool,' a signifier that one is 'real,' that one is just a regular-joe. But yet it's gone on so long now that some hipsters no longer consciously know it's an affectation. They honestly think that they like that swill! So does that somehow make it 'real,' after all?"

Chip: "Fuck these philosophical questions! No one likes PBR. But the real question raised by that sign is: 'Why would students opt to hang out with the underfed and possibly homeless denizens of the Replay when there's so many better places to go downtown?"

Richard: "And since when does the Replay go out of its way to court student business? There used to be a nice elitist undercurrent to the surface hospitality there which suggested 'We'll tolerate you fratty or hippie types so long as this is just a pit-stop on your pub crawl. But don't linger."


The boys favorite-places list rolls on today with #6: Richard raves about Miracle Video and Chip sings the praises of the Yacht Club.

Miracle Video:

Richard: "This is where Larryville residents go to get their porn films. Sure, they also have a very varied selection of regular DVD's and friendly employees who are actually knowledgeable about film (unlike at Hasting's), but everyone knows that porn is paying the bills here. Even with a wide world of often-free porn available on the internet, Miracle does a booming business. One has only to remain in the store for a few minutes to see numerous men, always alone, eyes downcast, enter the store and make a beeline for the swinging doors in back to peruse the fuck flicks. Has your humble narrator ever ventured back there? Maybe once, dear readers, long ago, for research purposes, at which point he encountered a familiar face, an acquaintance, another unassuming and upstanding local citizen like himself. They gave each other a polite nod, and chose not to compare their favorites or speak of the moment in later years as they met each other on the streets of Larryville except to occasionally nod knowingly, as if to say, 'Yeah, we're both worldly men who've seen a little porn. What of it?'

Chip: "Porn these days is all about the anal sex. But I don't think real people do that. Didn't God say not to do it in the butt?

The Yacht Club:

Chip: "As I've explained before, this place has the third hottest waitresses in town, several of whom are my former students. They think of me as a 'celebrity,' of sorts. My friend Cl.thier plays a gig here once a month and it's cool knowing a rock star. Also, one of the best moments of my life occurred here when I spotted Coach S.lf and chatted him up at the urinal while pretending to take a leak. He seemed really fond of me, in a frightened sort of way."

Richard: "It's the third closest bar to my apartment."

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Boys Favorite Places #7: The Tap Room (Richard) and Chip's apartment balcony (Chip) / Plus, Are You Ready for a Busker Festival?!

In this installment, Richard waxes nostalgic on the 8th Street TapRoom and Chip extolls the virtues of Berkeley Flats living.

Tap Room:

Richard: "Soon after moving to Larryville, my old friend 'Danger' Dan C.rry introduced me to this place, claiming it was the kind of dimly-lit bar where 'gangsters might conduct business.' If by 'gangsters' he meant 'hipsters,' and if by 'business' he meant 'discussing who liked Pavement the most,' then he was 100% correct. Since then I've grown quite fond of the Tap. In my early years in Larryville, it often served as a good pre- or post hangout for shows at the Bottleneck, back in those heady days when the Bottleneck still had shows worth seeing. These days it's a destination in its own right, home to numerous DJ nights in the basement showcasing old soul and funk records. Unlike the Replay, which draws a wide mix of social types, it's okay for hipsters to dance in the Taproom because they're solely with their own kind and they all know they are really too cool to be dancing, which makes it cooler. The TapRoom is so cool, in fact, that they rarely bother to advertise their rare live rock shows. As soon as Ad Astra Per Aspera starts tuning up, hipsters all across Larryville are able to hear it in the same way that dogs can hear high-frequency noises, and they all begin to gather for the show, which will start somewhere near 1:00 a.m, three hours after sound-check."

Chip: "The TapRoom is the only bar scarier than the Replay."

Chip's apartment balcony:

Chip: "I often wonder why anyone would live anyplace besides Berkeley Flats? From the privacy of my balcony, I have a prime view of freshman beauties in short shorts cresting the hill to campus, sweat glistening on their supple thighs. Another amazing view, only recently constructed, is the new football practice field, where 'secret' practices are held right out in the open. From my vantage point, high above, I can watch for K-State and Mizzou spies who lurk nearby attempting to learn our strategies. I can smell a Missourian from a half mile's distance, and when I see one I alert the proper authorities."

Richard: "Chip's area will soon gain yet another attraction: the new Inn and Conference Center in the former home of The Crossing. I'm hoping they keep some hookers on call and have a special rate for 'noon-ers.' "


The Larryville Downtown Busker Festival is just around the corner and of course the boys plan to participate.

Richard: "My act is quite simple. I play a ukulele. And what I lack in technical prowess, I make up for in sheer passion."

Chip: "My act is that I go around punching buskers in the face. Actually, I guess it's not an act. But it sure is funny. To me."

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Boys's Favorite Places: #8 / Plus, Larryville's Got Kickball Fever!

Checking in at #8 on the list: Free State Brewery (Richard) and Red Lyon (Kip)

Free State Brewery:

Richard: "As anyone knows who has lived here for any amount of time, Free State is our most beloved dining institution, the place where you take your out-of-town guests and impress them with bits of trivia about the place ("When it opened, it was the first legal brewery in Kansas in over 100 years!"). Locals flock here for the cheap Monday night beer special and debate the merits of each new microbrew, anticipating the various "seasonal" beers the way that Chip anticipates the hiring of each new waitress at Quinton's. Free State sells large "growlers" so that you can take home your favorite beer and pretend to your friends that you drink nothing else besides Hop Picker Ale, even though you secretly believe that Coors Light tastes better."

Chip: "My love for Cyclist (1 part beer and 3 parts lemonade) is well-documented here, but it's outweighed by my suspicion of the granola-looking fuckers that inhabit the patio year-round. I fear they're plotting something, and that one day they'll manage to remember that plot come morning."

Red Lyon:

Chip: "There comes a time in a college guy's life, usually around Senior year, when he wakes up and thinks, 'You know, maybe tonight I'll skip my usual eight shots of Jaegermeister and instead drink a bunch of beers that cost 4.50 each and do a couple of Irish car bombs.' When that night comes, the young man goes to the Lyon. Basically, the Lyon is like a Quinton's for people in their mid-to-late twenties, but without the hot waitresses. During the World Cup and St. Patrick's Day, it's to be avoided at all costs due to large numbers of stupid people, but the Lyon has been known to let me watch tennis in there at other times of the year, whereas other bars have made disparaging comments about my sexuality when I make that request. Also, they have popcorn and hot sauce, which is kind of delicious."

Richard: "Would it kill them to have a fucking beer special?"


At venues all over town tonight, the summer kickball play-offs begin, and the Chronicles want to officially sponsor the East-Enders (two of whom faithfully read this blog!) Good luck Rev. and Tosser! May the Force (of PBR) be with you!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Larryville's Phoenix Awards for the Arts / Plus, The Return of the Students! / Also: The Boys Pick Their Favorite L-Ville Places: # 9

The Phoenix Awards for the Arts are Larryville's equivalent of the Oscars and, as nominations begin, the boys feel they have a good chance at picking one up this November.

Richard: "Name me one other local artistic achievement that has appeared virtually every day this summer and usually provides a chuckle or a grimace. Besides the LJ-World, which doesn't count, because newspapers aren't art."

Chip: "If we win, I'll appear with a bag over my head, because my anonymity is essential to my career and general sense of well-being."


Yes, it's that time of year again and the students are moving into the dorms this weekend. Chip makes a habit of loitering nearby on that day: "Sometimes the ladies need a strong pair of hands nearby to help them carry in their posters and toiletries and such. And I just want to send the message that I'm around if they need anything. And I do mean anything."


Checking in at #9 on the boys' list of favorite Larryville places are Love Garden (Richard) and The Wheel's downstairs pizza shop (Chip):

Love Garden:

Richard: "In this era of downloading, local record shops are the last bastion for hipsters who still appreciate the album as an art form. The record store is to hipsters what the courthouse square was to old men in the past. On a Saturday afternoon, the Love Garden crowd gathers to shoot the shit about how much vinyl they own and the time they had 'a nice conversation' with Thurston Moore at the Eldridge and how their local kickball team is better than your local kickball team. Everyone there is either in a band or sleeping with someone in a band, which actually carries the same cultural weight as being in a band and perhaps more, depending on the band or the instrument the person plays (screwing a stand-up bass player is especially 'in' right now). Also, the place is full of cats, which is sort of weird, but cool."

Chip: "Never heard of it. Sounds like a porn shop."

The Wheel's downstairs pizza shop:

Chip: "Sure, if you want a tasty slice of pie, you'll go to Papa Keno's. But if you want to go to a place where sorostitutes get a free slice for showing their boobies to Pizza Pete, you'll go to the Wheel. That man has seen more titties than, I don't know...Wilt Chamberlain. My goodness, it's impressive the titties that man has seen! Now some might say it's an exploitative situation, but the truth is that the girls feel good about themselves during that brief exchange of 'breasts for pizza' and it sometimes help them sober up a little on the walk across the street to the Hawk."

Richard: "Just out of fairness, they should probably also hire a 'Pizza Polly' so frat boys could whip it out for a free slice."

Chip: "I'd totally show her the package for a pizza pie!"

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Boys Weekend Book Club: Intercourse!

Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Olen Butler resurfaces on the literary scene this week with a new book called Intercourse, consisting of short vignettes describing sex acts between historical and fictional characters, ranging from Adam and Eve to Bonnie and Clyde to the's to the Cl.nton's to Santa Claus banging an elf.

Inspired, the boys have begun work on a similar book recounting the real and imagined sexploits of various Larryville personalities, including: local college football coach and spouse (a scene both fleshy and sensual!); controversial local college sex teacher D.D (wild and kinky or surprisingly conventional?); the sweet little-old-lady lesbians at the Replay (enjoy that mental image, dear readers!); Richard and that brunette from Q's (reverse cowgirl? enjoy that mental image too...I know I do!); Chip and his left hand ("Sometimes I give Little Miss Righty a break"); and, of course, White Owl and his young coed lover (afterwards, they perform funny dances). The book is expected to be as popular as it is disgusting. Will it win a Pulitzer? Stay tuned.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Boys Pick Their Top Ten Favorite Places in Larryville: Number 10

In this important new series, the boys consider why they love certain places in Larryville. The list is presented in no particular order, except for item #1 (and even the most casual readers surely already know both Richard and Chip's favorite places).

Richard's #10: Liberty Hall

"The novelty of watching a movie and having a beer never wears off. Sure, the sound quality in the big auditorium is the equivalent of an old 8-track tape and movies arrive weeks after they've played the KC art-houses and anything that makes money at all gets kept forever even if it sucks(I think My Big Fat Greek Wedding may STILL be playing!), but did I mention you can drink a beer there? Also, 2-for-1 movie night on Tuesday is a local phenomenon among cheap hipsters. And it's a nice venue for concerts. And you can drink a beer."

Chip says: "Never been there."

Chip's #10: Potter Lake

"After a long day on campus being chastised for my use of sarcasm, Potter Lake is a nice spot to sit on a bench and think about Truth and Beauty and look at sorority asses as they pass by. Many goalposts have been submerged in this lake after important victories, and I like to sit here and think about how much I hate K-State and Missouri, even though Newsweek's new poll on college rivalries sees fit to neglect them both. Do they really think Harvard hates Yale more than I hate those illiterate no-toothed purple K-State Country Stampeding redneck assholes. Fuck that. I hate them so much it hurts."

Richard says: "I once followed the drunken fans to Potter Lake to watch some goalposts get dunked and I didn't see a single naked girl diving in. Just dudes. Why is it always the dudes who get naked during sports mania?"

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Boys List of Things to See and Do This Week!

1) The "Greenpeace Global Warming Tour" rolls into South Park tomorrow afternoon. The LJ-World says: "The tour is powered by the “Rolling Sunlight,” a demonstration and educational vehicle that runs on biodiesel and is equipped with 256square feet of solar panels that supply enough energy to power three homes, concerts and other events."

Chip: "Remember when the word 'tour' suggested something fun?

2) Watch American Mall, the new musical from the folks who brought you High School Musical

Richard: "I've gone on record as saying that any film set largely in a mall is pretty good. Fast Times at Ridgemont High has a lot of mall scenes. Dawn of the Dead. Chopping Mall. I can only assume this film will carry on that proud tradition."

Chip: "I'll need to watch it so that I have something to talk about to my high-school students. I also tell people that this is why I watch The Hills. But there are actually a few other reasons as well. I'd like to climb some of those 'hills,'if you catch my meaning. I'm talking about breasts."

3) Michael Hurley's Replay patio show on Saturday:

Richard: "He's some sort of underground folk singer who's been around for four decades. There's about a 90 percent chance it will suck, but what if it doesn't, and all the cool kids witness something they'll be talking about forever, like that Hardaways' Abbey Road show, or the time Arth.r D.dge played for eight or nine straight hours at the TapRoom before moving to Nashville. It's best to attend these events, just in case."

Chip: "There's a reason why some 'art' is 'underground.' And that's because it's not good enough for those of us who live in a 'mainstream' world and honestly enjoy Applebee's and the songs of John Mayer. I often do karaoke to "Your Body is a Wonderland' down at Rusty's Bar. And sometimes I substitute "MY Body is a Wonderland," and everyone gasps, because it's fucking clever."

4) Go see Vickie Christina Barcelona

Sure, it's a disappointing PG-13, but you still want to see Scarlett J make out with Penelope Cruz, don't you? Well, don't you?!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

This Week in Comedy News! / Plus, Who's Your Favorite Local Character?

Ben Stiller's much-anticipated Tropic Thunder opens tomorrow, and a coalition of disability groups are launching nationwide boycotts and protests against the film, in which Stiller plays a movie star known for his portrayal of a mentally-disabled character called "Simple Jack."

Chip: "This protest is retarded."

Richard: "It's such an infuriating misunderstanding of the very nature of satire. Stiller is condemning Hollywood's gimmicky portrayal of the mentally disabled. What's next? Will our readers believe that we really hate local art?"

Chip: "Well, I do hate local art. Except for tasteful nudes."

Richard: "If I protest a movie this weekend, it's going to be Clone Wars, due to Lucas's continual pillaging of precious childhood memories for profit."


The annual Best of Lawrence competition is underway again and this year's contest has a category called "Best Local Character." The boys feel they have a legitimate shot this year! Can the lovable scamp Chip and the smooth-talking pimp known as Sugar Dick knock off such time-honored favorites as Boog Highb.rger and White Owl! Let's hope so! It's time for a regime change around here! (and we're still disappointed about White Owl postponing the wedding!).

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Boys' Book Club!

When the boys aren't out drinking, they are invariably reading (while they drink). Long-time fans may recall Chip's series regarding the classics, but viewers have rarely heard the boys' opinions on contemporary literature. Today they consider three current literary phenomenons: the Christian novel The Shack, currently number one on the NYTimes paperback list; the hugely popular debut boy-and-his-dogs novel The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, currently number two on the NYTimes hardcover list; and, of course, the Twilight series of vampire novels that are currently thrilling young ladies and young women across the world.

Chip: "The Shack is so popular that the Forttt Scottt library has two copies of it. They're passed from house to house. It's about a man who goes to a shack and meets God, who is an old black woman named Papa. The problem I have with this is that we all know God is a white man."

Richard: "I'm waiting for the film, which I suspect will star Kirk Cameron. However, I have read The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, which is surprisingly excellent. It's an old-fashioned yarn about a boy on the run with his dogs and it uses the basic framework of Hamlet to set the tale in motion."

Chip: "You lost me at Hamlet. See, this is just the kind of pretentiousness we don't need. Why is it not enough to just tell a ripping good yarn about a boy and his dog without using some literary device that might make the average Joe feel dumb if he doesn't 'get' it? I'd rather reread Where the Red Fern Grows."

Richard: "So let's consider the Twilight vampire series, which is probably the most fascinating literary phenomenon since the Harry Potter books. As I gather, it's about a young girl who falls in love with a dashing vampire and they spend three books looking longingly at each other and finally have sex so intense in the fourth book that the vampire has to chew up the pillows so as not to kill her, I guess."

Chip: "I think chewing a pillow is normal. You don't have to be a vampire to do that. Anyway, these sound like excellent books for young girls which teach them that falling in love with dangerous men is not necessarily a bad thing and that true love will last forever. I understand that a lot of young women find these books 'hot' and write their own erotic fan fiction about them. I used to do that with the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew. And my Hardy Brothers were uncovering more than just the Secret of the Island Treasure, let me assure you!"

Sunday, August 10, 2008

This Weekend in Local News: The Death of Wakarusa Fest?

Larryville's largest music event seems to be on its last legs. The festival promoter has declared that the show won't go on unless "discrimination" against its attendees ceases. He cites, especially, the fact that Wakarusa, with its relatively small space and attendance, is charged exorbitant security prices compared to the much-larger Country Stampede festival down the road in Manhattan. In essence, the promoter charges, local government is trying to run the hippies out of town. How do the boys feel?

Chip: "Well, this is good news. The promoter can ramble on as much as he wants about how Kansas conservatives hate hippies and love rednecks, but the truth is that the Stampede is a generally peaceful celebration of whiskey and American values while Wakurasa is three-days of drug-addled, sex-crazed youth who want to overthrow the government. I've seen Reefer Madness. I know what pot does to a person, and it ain't pretty! Sure, one could argue that violence at the Stampede is significantly higher than Wakarusa, averaging at least one sexual assault per year, plus that guy who stabbed his wife in 97, but the truth is that he probably would have killed his wife whether he'd been at a festival or not, whereas the drug death at Wakurasa can be directly tied to the atmosphere of the festival. With Wakarusa gone, I'll fear Larryville in the summer a little bit less."

Richard: "Well, this is sad news. While I personally don't enjoy four hour sets of Colorado jamgrass which consist of about one song per hour, I don't begrudge the kids for digging it, and occasionally an important band like Wilco joins the lineup. Wakarusa is an important pit-stop for hippies, nestled securely between Coachella and Bonnaroo, and stoned veterans of previous years are likely to stop in Larryville anyway as they trek across the country. Wakarusa keeps them west of town, but Chip may now find them mingling among their local brethren at Free State and snacking on 'za down at Keno's."

Saturday, August 9, 2008

The Boys Learn of a Different Kind of Quest

For a long while now the boys have been engaged in a long (and sometimes perilous: remember the Jet Lag?) journey to experience the best bars that Larryville has to offer. They feel their quest is both important and noble. On a recent evening at Free State, however, they encountered a fellow on an even more ambitious journey, walking from coast to coast and "talking about us" (which is the name of his website: / Check him out!). Here are his goals:

So I decided to take a little stroll out amongst my peers with several goals in mind.

I wanted to gain exposure for the general concept of "talking about us"---about how the human being tends to function---as something that is vital for us to do with each other, and I also wanted to encourage everyone to help me build something at this web address that was both an example of and a stimulus for just such a conversation.

I wanted to meet a wide variety of people face to face in the most honest straightforward way I could think of.

I wanted to talk with them, in their hundreds, specifically about what keeps humanity stuck in the old cycles I've mentioned, and immerse myself in the perspectives and feedback they had to offer.

Richard: "This makes our journey feel a little paltry by comparison, don't you think, Chip?"

Chip: "I've always been scared by idealism, by this hippie notion that the world can 'improve.' But hopefully he'll get to see some good bars along his route. He made a mistake, however, by not going to Quinton's. True, the clientele there might not have been as receptive to his notions, but they're a hell of a lot prettier than the folks at Free State."

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Boys Discover a New Social Scene: Bluegrass Night at...Papa Kenos?!

Long-time readers may recall a simpler time when the Chronicles only appeared once or twice a week to relate the tales of Richard and Chip's attempt to visit every bar in town, one or two bars per Thursday. Last night, those adventures continued:

The brief closure of Papa Keno's earlier this year was a traumatic event in the history of Larryville, perhaps rivalled only by Quantrill's Raid and the time a few years back when the Replay almost lost its liquor license. During this no-Keno's period, poor, confused souls wandered Mass. Street for several weeks looking for pizza, with some of them reportedly becoming desperate enough to actually visit the Mass. Street Pizza Hut. But that time is simply a bad memory now, and Keno's is up and running again with their extra-large slices cooked by the kind of hippies you'd normally go out of your way to avoid on the street for fear they might want to discuss their love of String Cheese Incident with you. Most of the staff of Keno's, naturally, plays in local jamgrass bands, so it's no great surprise that the patio might institute a twice-weekly bluegrass jam in the summer on the back patio, and it's here that the boys found themselves last night, strangers in the company of a dozen or so musicians. Neither Richard nor Chip had their washboards on hand last night, so they remained spectators as a rotating cast of players sang songs about long Kansas winters and the damage that long-term skateboarding does to one's body ("Skateboard Hips"). The patio beer specials were limited to 3 dollar Bud bottles and 2 dollar Natty Lite cans ("Natty Lite uses the original recipe for Bud Lite," a local explained to a largely uninterested Richard at the bar), and between each song Chip proclaimed that he was "frightened" by these unfamiliar surroundings. As the boys took their leave, Chip wondered why anyone would attend this event on a Thursday when all the town's sweetest ass was down at the Eldridge for martini-night. And, as much as he loves bluegrass, Richard had to allow that Chip had a good point.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Richard and Chip: The Interview!

With the boys achieving a modicum of blogging fame this summer, they recently sat down for a rare in-depth interview with a local reporter. Here are some excerpts:

You both grew up in a rural setting? How has that impacted you?

Richard: "In Romance, the men are men, and the sheep are nervous. Seriously, though, small towns are well and good...for bumpkins. But I feel like I'm an urban sophisticate these days. I once drank chai tea, for goodness sake! At a coffee shop! You can't do that in Romance. And I enjoy having a Replay Lounge just down the street. But at the same time I've taken great care to cultivate my southern drawl. The ladies love that drawl!"

Chip: "Fortt Scottt is a simple place and we'd like to keep it that way. When Larryville threatens to make me soft, I go home for awhile and pitch haybales and just sit on the porch and look at the cattle, sometimes while I chew on a blade of grass. Occasionally the community will gather to lay pennies down in a line in the hope of breaking a world record. We enjoy that. Now I suppose city life has affected me in certain ways (I do like poetry, and tennis), but I still think of myself as a country boy."

Why has blogging become your preferred outlet of artistic expression?

Richard: "There's a certain interesting kind of "public anonymity' to it, I think, though 'Chip' here might disagree. It's a good way to create a persona and say shit we can't say in 'real life, as well as keep our friends from afar updated on our various shenanigans. I think people mostly get it. Plus, there's a real market for blogs these days. When people need a break from looking at on-line porn, reading a blog can be a nice distraction until you're ready for more porn."

Chip: "What I dislike is the blogs that are essentially public 'diaries' in which people report on their 'crushes' and their 'hopes and dreams.' There IS a place for that, sure, and that place is under your fucking pillow! It's where I keep mine, which mostly contains my musings on various waitresses along with a few short poems and some sketchings of horses."

It seems that the Larryville Chronicles almost exclusively operates in a comic mode. What are some of your influences?

Richard: "I like deadpan stuff, where you might not realize something is funny until a few seconds later, and I have to admit to a taste for the current Apatow style of raunch and 'bromance.' Also, the surrealism of some of the Mr. Show sketches, although I haven't figured out how to use that here to my advantage."

Chip: "I'll give you comedy in six words:"

Ideally, where do you boys see yourself in ten years?

Richard: "I assume I'll be married, living in a peaceful college town, and writing a very serious novel about suburban ennui. Either that, or hanging out in the back booth at Quinton's."

Chip: "On a farm in Forttt Scottt with two kids. I'll teach English...and maybe coach a little football. Not soccer. Never soccer. On Saturdays the missus and I will head into Joplin for a nice dinner at The Olive Garden. Either that, or hanging out in the back booth at Quinton's.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Boys Consider Local Cuisine, Vol. II / Plus, They Spot a Restaurant in KC That Might Be Worthy of a Field Trip!

Restaurants come and go in Larryville, but one new spot has made a name for itself along busy Mass. Street. It's called "Ingredient." Or, rather, it's called "In.gre.di.ent," which is defined on the sign as a verb meaning "formulate satisfaction."

Richard: "As an English major, it's awfully hard to eat here. 'Ingredient' is not a verb. I often step in and defy the staff to use 'ingredient' as a verb. They can't do it."

Chip: "Considerations of grammar aside, who in fuck wants an eleven dollar sandwich when Jefferson's is right down the street?"


With the pleasures of Larryville at hand, the boys rarely feel the need to venture into KC's restaurant and bar scene. But one place in the city's new Power and Light District may have just given them an incentive to do so. It's called Tengo Sed Cantina and contains "stripper poles [which] stretch up from the dining tables, which female customers stand on as they find a way to grind and twirl to anything the DJ plays" (Pitchweekly).

Chip: "Oh my God! If Quinton's had stripper poles for the customers to dance on, I'd never leave. Now I don't know the caliber of women that frequent Tengo Sed, but I can imagine they're pretty upscale and attractive. The Power and Light District, after all, has a strict dress code which many are claiming is racially discriminatory but which is really just a way to assure that people dress in a nice and sexy fashion. And there's nothing wrong with that. No, sir."

Richard: "Hell, if want a restaurant with stripper poles, I'd rather just go across the river to the Dirty Bird buffet, which enforces a different kind of dress code for its employees: no clothes at all (during the second song)."

Chip: "As a public educator, I can't go to such places. Most of the employees are probably my students' mothers and I'm afraid they'll want to talk to me about little Johnny's report card while they're giving me a lapdance. That might be distracting. I'll stick with Tengo Sed."

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A Taste of Hollywood in Larryville! / Plus, Chip Reviews Summer Cinema, Vol. III: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 / Also: Guest Columnists!?

A block of Mass. Street was closed all day yesterday as a film crew rolled in to recreate New York in downtown Larryville for a biography of local crop artist Stan Herd.

Chip: "The only thing worse than crop art is a movie about crop art. I'm bored already. Crops are for eating, you Hollywood fat-cats!"

Richard: "I have a small role in this film as a younger, more virile Boog Highberger."


Chip: "As I have previously explained, this summer has brought us two great films for men: Sex and the City and the incomparable Mamma Mia. Now comes an excellent film for younger men. It's called Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, and I'm happy to say that it's easily the best sequel since Jackass 2 but works just as effectively for those with no prior knowledge of the series. Basically, what we have here is a tale about a magical pair of jeans that somehow can fit young women of varying sizes and help them feel good about themselves. Feminists, of course, are fond of this 'girl-power' premise, but the truth is that the film might lead impressionable young fat women to feel they can wear any size jeans they want, which simply isn't true. Personally, I feel this film works better for young men, who can learn to appreciate women of different sizes, which is an important part of being a man. In many ways, this film is far superior to the original, at least partly because the girls are now in college and it's perfectly fine for young guys to want to bang them. Viewers should beware that the MPAA has rated the film PG-13 for "mature material and sensuality" (Chipnote: "sensuality" is a word that women often use when describing material about fucking").


As the busy academic season nears, The Chronicles is still seeking guest columnists to contribute occasional material to keep this blog vital and fresh! We'd love to see, for instance: Bethy's "Stuff Straight Men Like"; "Dr. C's Fashion Roundup!"; Cl.thier's tales of rock and roll excess (featuring sexy groupie pictures!); "Dr. X's Down-Home Country Musings and Front Porch Jamboree"; and "King Tosser's Kickball Corner." Send columns to Nog.

Monday, August 4, 2008

This Week in Local Art! / Plus, the Boys Consider the Word "Nubile"

Last night brought a new art show at the Bourgeois Pig, described in this way: "Jouvelt presents works inspired by the Bourgeois Pig."

Chip: "Actually, this sounds sort of interesting. I once did a series of art works inspired by Quinton's. Basically, it was watercolor portraits of myself banging various waitresses. Later, a judge said that it was not art and ordered me to destroy them."

Richard: "Any painter known only by one name has got to be good. Picasso. Rembrandt. Jouvelt. I'll check this out. Unfortunately, this same rule does not apply to film directors, as Tarsem is a pretentious nut and McG is a pure hack bent on ruining the new Terminator flick."


On a recent evening, Richard found himself drinking beer with a local religious leader at Free State, who suggested that the blog was possibly over-using the word "nubile." Richard explained that his use of the word was akin to Faulkner's constant use of the word "myriad." What word besides "nubile," after all, could possibly convey the ideas of "attractiveness," "willingness," and "flexibility" that "nubile" suggests? Readers, we'd be more than happy to hear your suggestions on other words. Fire away in the comments section!

Chip: "Certain words give me an instant boner and 'nubile' is one of them. Another is 'pussy.' Another is "Quinton's."

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The Boys Are Back! (Last Week in Larryville / Plus, Tales of Hot Romance!)

With Richard down south last week, an important question was finally answered: Does Larryville continue to exist if Richard is not there to blog about it? The answer is, surprisingly, yes. Here's what Richard was able to piece together regarding the week he missed:

At the Replay, PBR's were enjoyed. All over town, no one rode the T. Shortly after closing time at Quinton's, numerous sorority girls experienced four minutes of passion (until their partners collapsed from too many Jaeger shots). The Douglas County Fair rolled into town and traveling hucksters fleeced country rubes while everyone was entertained by the demolition derby and the bearded-lady and the Dog-Faced Boy. Across town at South Park, another kind of freak appeared: environmental activists. The occasion was the Little Green Festival, two days of hippie jamgrass bands and information booths (Chip says: "It's too fucking hot to worry about the environment."). And on the Eastside, the East Enders kickball team continued their unyielding march toward the championship game.

But what of Romance, Arkansas? It was mostly a whirlwind of catfish restaurants and dangerous heat, but Richard did find time to visit one of the town's two local bootleggers, who was attempting to give away free puppies with each purchase of a six-pack of Busch ("Boys, this one old girl climbed under the house to see those pups and she said "Aren't they beautiful?" Now I had myself a nice view of her thong panties right about then and I said, "They sure are, honey! You bet they are!"). Richard also found time to visit former Chronicles cast member, Dr. X, whose new penthouse overlooks Toad Suck Square, where he plans to get elected "Toadmaster" and spend most of the fall judging toad-jumping contests. But our faithful readers want to know one thing more than any other: Did Richard find time for some sweaty summer lovin' on abandoned farm equipment? Readers, we have a saying in Romance: "What happens on the old, abandoned combine stays on the old, abandoned combine"

Stay tuned for more new episodes this week!